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I just read someone who had hocd and he realize he was bi, and the worst is he said he was straight for 19 years, right now I feel I identify, and I feel like I'm about to have an "honest conversation" with myself

Well I thought I wasn't doing too bad. And then a trigger within a trigger sets it off again. In my group at my theatre and one of my triggers gives me this look, like stares at me with this look that almost looks, you know...and I panic in my head, get a groinal response and a false feeling and anxiety and that makes me feel more like "omg what was that?" All within the space of seconds. Why? Before then it was like, you'll focus on all these things to do with, I can't even say it, attra...and you'll get this response. Anticipating. It used to be that I could admire things and it'd be fine. But now when it comes to the same sex, everything that is said and done I can't just admire anymore without all the responses. And I interpret them that way. Always in a sexual way. And I hate it, and don't like it. Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm trying not to think about it but the more I don't want it there, the more it sticks.

So I thought I was doing better at managing my SO OCD, but THEN I feel like I’m finding something new to worry about and focus on. Recently, I’ve found a fictional character of the same sex to be very attractive and I think “Wow! She’s so pretty AND cool!” Funny because I had these thoughts about this character over a year ago and I never thought anything about it. I Was confident in my sexuality, and just thought she was aesthetically pleasing. Going to now and I felt this “pull” towards her honestly. I definitely overthought and was like “what if you like this girl?” “What does it mean?” “Well she’s fictional so it doesn’t matter right?” “Are you Bi because you have a crush on a woman?” Basically, I felt like I had a crush on this character and I’m overthinking if it’s just an aesthetic crush or something else. Now I overthink about scenarios with her and if I’d actually like her to kiss me and would I be into that? I’ll admit I definitely sort of fell into the google/validation rabbit hole. I have this fear on what if I’m actually Bi or secretly into women all of a sudden. I don’t want to be attracted to women or do anything sexual with them. I’ve always been pretty comfortable in knowing I’m straight. However, this month has really made me feel like I’m not completely straight and I have to sort of “come out” about it.

I got engaged in December and will be marrying my best friend next year. We've been together a little over five years, and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. However, my SO-OCD and ROCD are making it very hard to enjoy my engagement. I seem to be triggered by everything, but it's especially bad this month. I'm so sad because this didn't start until I watched the bathroom coming-out scene from Stranger Things in 2022 and fell down this rabbit hole. I don't know what to do because the thought of being with a woman literally gives me nightmares, but the thoughts are still there and are so loud. I just want to enjoy my life with my soon-to-be husband, but this is making it so hard.

Does anyone have a theme of being bisexual? I feel like this is such a silly theme. But I actually identified as bisexual first before coming to the conclusion I was a lesbian in 2021. But I received signs years prior. But because I have been both genders, it’s so hard because it’s like I have sexual orientation OCD with both genders I’ve been with before. But I hope I’m not alone because it’s like many people with OCD usually have limited or no experiences with the gender of the fear (except bisexuals with the fear of being gay or straight). But I have yet to meet anyone with the fear of being bisexual.

18+ please! Sorry if this inappropriate. Does anyone else deal with the consequences of having consumed pornography and has ocd? Can you tell me if you also have a lot of intrusive thoughts during sexual activity? I'm not proud to say that I had access to this type of content at a young age and it grew with me until the first years of my adult life. I only became aware of the extent of the damage when I received my ocd diagnosis and even though my therapist and I believe that I have had ocd since childhood, addiction to pornography was an important factor in making the disorder worse since I suffer from graphic images and sexual content intrusive thoughts I've been trying to learn how to have a good relationship with my sexuality without using pornography for a few months, but it's not always easy to use my imagination when I have some tabs open in my head that get in my way. I really can't and don't want to have access to any type of adult content anymore, but I always think it's easier to be able to "silence" intrusive thoughts. It's happened several times where I try to use my imagination and then I have an intrusive thought and I think I stimulated myself by thinking about it and it's just disgusting and I feel really bad. I've been trying to deal with this for months and with medical help for both problems, I really feel dirty and lost about it and I don't know how to make it stop. I spent days avoiding even thinking about anything sexual so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but my therapist said that this is also unhealthy and can become a compulsion, so I don't know what to do. Anyone who goes through/has gone through something similar?

Today’s thoughts brought to you by OCD, I mean me… yeah totally all my non doubtful thoughts. (Just a vent post to write down what OCD wants me to fear/thinks, please no reassurance needed) I don’t have OCD. I’m making it up. I read things that described what OCD was like an lied to my therapist and tricked her into thinking I have OCD. All the things I think may been OCD driven in the past weren’t. After all why didn’t I react to all of them? How come when I’ve had thoughts to harm myself or others I didn’t avoid the things I was going to harm them with after? How come I’m not reacting to my same sex thoughts with distress now like I did in February? It’s all because I don’t have OCD. I just worry about my thoughts a little more than the average person. Worrying about my sexual orientation for 15 minutes here and there, for multiple hours a day, for 4 months running doesn’t mean I have SO OCD. It just means I’m confused and discovering my true sexuality. After all I’m not googling or asking for reassurance. You’re only thinking about doing those but you don’t. Besides if you’re looking for reassurance that your aren’t a different orientation than you think, doesn’t that mean you actually are? You’re just finding out your true sexuality now like some of those stories you’ve read as part of your exposures. It’s just a mix of repression and late discovery and the only reason you’re so worked up about it is because you have to leave your wife who you don’t love the way you should. Even if she left you and you moved onto another woman, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes you’re actually gay because of the thoughts running around in your mind. Just come clean with yourself. You’re making OCD up and using it as an excuse to be in denial. You don’t have it as severe as many of the other people whose stories you’ve read or have the exact same experiences. You’re misinterpreting memories as being possibly OCD driven just to fit your narrative because there were a lot more “normal” times in your past than possible OCD ones. Besides how can someone say they aren’t their thoughts? You have your thoughts for a reason and you have to know what it is. What gives you the right to say which thoughts are yours and which aren’t. Even then how many are yours? How much time do you spend thinking about them? There’s too many variables to consider.

reposting to see if I can get replies. putting a TW in case this triggers someone with SOCD. please please refrain from reading because I’m scared to trigger more people. I just want to share my thoughts bc I’m feeling guilt right now. ——— so there was this guy who posted on here a week ago I think. he wanted to know about other bisexual people’s thoughts on his question if his attraction to the opposite sex was ‘aesthetic’ or not. he shared his experiences. I put my response in and tried my best. eventually, I reply a few days later w/ my honest (since I was confused at first) answer & he replied days later as well. he said my answer was great & that he was just freaking out at the time asking the question & was secure with his sexuality. I was glad to know & I believe I added more to my reply in hopes of making him feel better but I think I might’ve triggered his OCD. I said somewhere along the lines of that “it’s okay to feel lost/confused/worried about [our] sexuality” because it’s “normal.” and that we are still learning about ourselves and “our thoughts right now could change in the future” & that it is okay. ‼️‼️again, please PLEASE do not continue reading as I feel like this might be triggering to SOCD. ‼️‼️ I was just going by what some people have said online (I can’t remember correctly but I know someone said this) because of their own experience. they said that there are older people who find out they’re gay/straight/etc later in life. like how people think they’re ____ and then find out years later they’re really ____. it was somewhere along the lines where us finding out about our sexuality can be a roller coaster and that it was fine not to know at the moment. as a kid, I thought I was straight and then looked back at some stuff I did that made me question. then had like a year where I obsessed dating the same sex. two years pass and I date the same sex but ends badly. I feel like it could have been OCD that ruined it for me and just my feelings at the time. I’m not diagnosed so don’t think I do but share similar or same thoughts as others. now I’m worried I’m straight and have been faking liking the same sex. I don’t see myself dating the same sex again. I have much much stronger feelings towards the opposite sex. anyway, that guy said that when he’s confident again about his sexuality, it feels like someone comes in and says that “feelings/thoughts can change in the future” and makes him doubt his sexuality again. he also mentioned that when he talks about his worries, people think he’s “confused” but I don’t think that. I fully believe he’s bisexual but didn’t say he was because we were talking about attraction. I felt like if I said “yeah, you’re bisexual, dw” I would have reassured him and that’s not okay to do with a person with OCD. now I feel terrible for having triggered him. it wasn’t my intention to. because of that, I have pretty much refrained quite a bit from replying to other posts because I’m scared of hurting another person. I am currently obsessing over the thought of checking up on him and apologizing a lot for making him feel bad. I feel like a villain. I was just trying to help. I feel like I can’t speak because my stupid self always can’t word things right. I feel like I can’t help people now because what if I hurt them? why am I not good enough…. now I feel like I’m just self-victimizing and acting like a bitch. I don’t know if I should just suppress my feelings and suck it up because I feel like I shouldn’t be acting like a crybaby. like, like, like…….feel, feel, feel……too many words…..I’m sorry for the disgusting repetition…. I just feel ashamed. and what if I’m wrong about everything? what if those people or person didn’t say that I think they said? what if I’m just trying to justify my wrongdoing? I don’t know anymore

putting a TW in case this triggers someone with SOCD. please please refrain from reading because I’m scared to trigger more people. I just want to share my thoughts bc I’m feeling guilt right now. ——— so there was this guy who posted on here a week ago I think. he wanted to know about other bisexual people’s thoughts on his question if his attraction to the opposite sex was ‘aesthetic’ or not. he shared his experiences. I put my response in and tried my best. eventually, I reply a few days later w/ my honest (since I was confused at first) answer & he replied days later as well. he said my answer was great & that he was just freaking out at the time asking the question & was secure with his sexuality. I was glad to know & I believe I added more to my reply in hopes of making him feel better but I think I might’ve triggered his OCD. I said somewhere along the lines of that “it’s okay to feel lost/confused/worried about [our] sexuality” because it’s “normal.” and that we are still learning about ourselves and “our thoughts right now could change in the future” & that it is okay. ‼️‼️again, please PLEASE do not continue reading as I feel like this might be triggering to SOCD. ‼️‼️ I was just going by what some people have said online (I can’t remember correctly but I know someone said this) because of their own experience. they said that there are older people who find out they’re gay/straight/etc later in life. like how people think they’re ____ and then find out years later they’re really ____. it was somewhere along the lines where us finding out about our sexuality can be a roller coaster and that it was fine not to know at the moment. as a kid, I thought I was straight and then looked back at some stuff I did that made me question. then had like a year where I obsessed dating the same sex. two years pass and I date the same sex but ends badly. I feel like it could have been OCD that ruined it for me and just my feelings at the time. I’m not diagnosed so don’t think I do but share similar or same thoughts as others. now I’m worried I’m straight and have been faking liking the same sex. I don’t see myself dating the same sex again. I have much much stronger feelings towards the opposite sex. anyway, that guy said that when he’s confident again about his sexuality, it feels like someone comes in and says that “feelings/thoughts can change in the future” and makes him doubt his sexuality again. he also mentioned that when he talks about his worries, people think he’s “confused” but I don’t think that. I fully believe he’s bisexual but didn’t say he was because we were talking about attraction. I felt like if I said “yeah, you’re bisexual, dw” I would have reassured him and that’s not okay to do with a person with OCD. now I feel terrible for having triggered him. it wasn’t my intention to. because of that, I have pretty much refrained quite a bit from replying to other posts because I’m scared of hurting another person. I am currently obsessing over the thought of checking up on him and apologizing a lot for making him feel bad. I feel like a villain. I was just trying to help. I feel like I can’t speak because my stupid self always can’t word things right. I feel like I can’t help people now because what if I hurt them? why am I not good enough…. now I feel like I’m just self-victimizing and acting like a bitch. I don’t know if I should just suppress my feelings and suck it up because I feel like I shouldn’t be acting like a crybaby. like, like, like…….feel, feel, feel……too many words…..I’m sorry for the disgusting repetition…. I just feel ashamed. and what if I’m wrong about everything? what if those people or person didn’t say that I think they said? what if I’m just trying to justify my wrongdoing? I don’t know anymore

So I have been 5 days without intrusive thoughts which is a big accomplishment for me. Yesterday broke the streak. I was job shadowing and this girl i thought was so skinny and pretty how does she not have a boyfriend and i thought I was a dude i wouldn't turn my head away and now I'm thinking no one has said this before and that this means something. I know it's my ocd acting up but it's annoying. Plus it also tried to say in a narrative that sounded like me that I would date her and i immediately felt disturbed which just again told me everything about who I am sexually as a confident and comfortable straight woman

I just woke up from a disturbing dream. Here’s what happened in the dream: my family member wakes up from an odd dream, then asks me to look it up. I look it up, then a bunch of LGBTQ+ flags and labels come up. The family member’s dream wasn’t specifically about me, but what if that was some weird sign that I’m not straight? I’m really scared that I’m not straight because yesterday, I was worried about not being straight. I’m not homophobic, just to be clear I just want to be straight. I’ve been straight my whole life, but I’ve always wondered if I am attracted to girls romantically. I know that I’m attracted to them sexually because when I used to watch porn, I would mostly look up girls, but I’m not romantically attracted to them. And I’ve never been attracted to women in person. That dream made me highly uncomfortable because I’ve never thought of myself as anything other than straight because I know that i wouldn’t take a girl serious. Please help, my anxiety is through the roof right now, but also be honest

I cannot picture myself in a relationship with a woman, never have. Any daydreams/fantasies I have are men. I've always had a new male crush. But because I enjoy GOG pxrn I worry it means I'm into girls in that way. Even chatting to men my ocd is telling me I'm only doing it because I want to prove I'm not into girls. I don't think of women in a sexual way and don't think I'd ever want to. I just enjoy GOG corn but not because of the act because they seem to enjoy it more than straight where its just 10 min BJs lol. Help me out.

Hey guys! So I’m suffering with this subtype. I feel like I developed a crush on someone of the same sex and I have always identified as a straight woman. I’ve always been attracted to men. I feel like I get the feelings of a crush but it’s always followed by intense anxiety. “What if this crush is real?” “Am I now Bi?” I just can’t shake the feeling that the feelings are real and I need to accept them but then what if it’s false attraction or OCD? “What if I’m in denial?” I’m in a relationship with a man who I really love and want to be with. I only want feelings for him. I don’t want to like women or be attracted to a woman. What do I do?

should I feel guilty for being in a relationship while struggling with my sexual identity and the soocd that comes along with it? what if I'm not actually attracted to men AND women/non binary people, but just women??? am I wasting mine and his time by trying to work through this while being with him? I've talked to him about this and he says he doesn't want to leave me and supports me no matter what conclusion I could come to, but I'm terrified that I'll come to a conclusion that means I have to leave him. I'm so scared, I want to be with him and have a life with him, but what if this is comp het and saying I'm unlabeled is denial or an excuse??? I love pride month but it just seems like the reason why this subtype has come back full force. any advice would be great 🧡

I don’t even think this is OCD I’m just looking for advice on this: I fancy females but the thought of sex with them makes me anxious, nervous, guilty and sick why is that, also I’m a male.

A little bit of a bummer post today but mostly a really proud one. Yesterday was, unfortunately my last day with NOCD, due to reasons related to my health insurance, continuing to pay for services OON is not affordable, yay US healthcare 😤 But I am so thankful to my therapist, and NOCD for the spot I am in now that I haven’t been at, mentally in years. While I can identify earlier moments of events or actions possibly related to my OCD, the one that affected me most was just a few days past exactly 7 years ago. The thought that started it all for my SO OCD theme occurred while I was being intimate with my gf at the time and my head thought “I wonder what this would look like if this was a guy”… That one split second thought caused me to spiral for the rest of the day and into the next. I could not get out of my head, I was numb to the world around me and when I went to a local urgent care and they asked the question - “have you had thoughts of self harm” - I admitted I did, I didn’t want to act on them at all, but I did I was admitted to a local mental health unit of a hospital that day. I was diagnosed with GAD that day, and while I only stayed for a night, the constant thoughts and the complete feeling of numbness, that I experienced for weeks, is something I’ll never forget. I viewed myself as weak, as useless, as broken, and I did for a long long time even if sometimes I forgot about those feelings. It didn’t help that my parents are not supportive of mental health issues, although I can see now where I got mine from. I came across, what was known as HOCD at the time, now SO OCD, a few weeks later, and knew what I was experiencing was that. Even the HOCD tests that I took at the time highly suggested that, but I completely overlooks the OCD aspect. To me, SO OCD was like a cold, I caught it, and it would go away with some medication, which was what was happening. Every morning I would see how long it would be until I had a thought about my sexual orientation where I would, what felt like a moment where I would snap back into my head. It got longer week by week and so to me, I was cured. But I wasn’t. In between the moments of that time and now, I met my now wife, got married and had a child with another on the way. I had a lot of very very good moment, a lot more so than bad, but those events scarred me. While OCD tormented me quietly in other ways: - you lost weight to quickly while dieting, I think you have cancer, better try eating more just to make sure - you can’t fall asleep, what if you have this super rare illness where you’ll never be able to fall asleep again and slowly go crazy and die? - what if your newborn daughter is crying because she can see into the future and knows that you’re going to die today, it’ll probably be from that aneurysm you’re so worried about It always jabbed me with reminders and thoughts that would harken back to one of the most traumatic periods of my life: - you should kiss your friend - don’t you think it’s going to be hard to be completely straight and married to your wife for eternity, even in the afterlife - oh look a gay dude, remember how you never fully figured out if you were actually gay Those moments and thoughts always felt like a gut punch, but they would go away, until this year. If I had to make a list of triggers it would include but not be limited to: - learning that someone I had interacted with a bunch of times during those “gap” years was actually gay, and sold records which always created thoughts whenever I listened to my record player while working - seeing a documentary about Aaron Hernandez and reading his story on Wikipedia which included a snippet of him blaming him being raped as a child for his potential attraction to men, for which may or may not have happened to me (I don’t think it did but the dad of a friends house I went to a lot when I was little, was convicted of child molestation) - viewing my medicine that I would only take on and off again as the way to get the thoughts to stop - recognizing that my wife and I weren’t able to spend as much time together as we used to, which generated ROCD thoughts first The thoughts progressed more and more for weeks. I was trapped in my head, almost 24/7, trying to make the thoughts stop, reliving thoughts that just reminded me constantly of that period 7 years ago, all while I became more and more depressed, anxious and distant. Eventually, while my wife was visiting for lunch at work, I broke down crying and told her everything. I knew it was SO OCD, but was only starting to realize what OCD actually was. I came across NOCD through a YouTube video, and after trying and failing to find an in network therapist in my area, or someone in network that didn’t have wait times for months out, mainly because I couldn’t google as efficiently in my state of mind, I reached out. I was able to speak to someone so quickly and start working with a therapist just a week after Wilda Rodriguez-Barnett, I highly, highly recommend her, she’s amazing. I did the DOCS and received a score of 22. Today I leave with a DOC score of 4. With her help and ERP therapy, I have truly found so much more peace in my life that I didn’t have for years since that traumatic period. The thoughts are still there, and I know they always will be, but I know that I can handle them with the tools ERP therapy has provided me. Even the other day when I had a health concern pop up, I resisted the urge of googling which I know would’ve sent me into a spiral. I wrote a lot and I still feel like there is so much more that I can say but I’ll try to wrap up this novel of a post with this. When I started ERP therapy I was skeptical. I was hopeful it would help me but I was skeptical it would. Being exposed to my fears was not something I was looking forward to, after all, I had the life I always wanted and even more than I ever thought I would have with my wife, so what if I was actually gay. OCD wants us to live our lives in fear. It will concoct any little thing it can, whether it be a thought, feeling or urge, to plant just a seed of doubt which we water and grow ourselves until it attacks. I know these thoughts will never go away and I don’t think anyone should view OCD recovery as that, although I think we would all want to, but I do know the life I want to live right now. I know I will never be perfect in resisting my compulsions, but I feel confident that I have the tools to recognize what is going on and stopping OCD from creating the fear that it has.

I started having worries about not being straight when I was in 7th grade. I think it was because my brother told me a musician came out as gay, and that made me wonder if he thought of me that way too. Slowly I began to recognize every girl around me and ask myself if I was attracted to them, even though I knew I wasn’t. This made me fall into a deep depression and didn’t even want to see my friends because I was scared I’d be attracted to them (once again, I knew I wasn’t). Slowly these thoughts went away freshmen year when I started to make more friends, guys and girls, and began to have romantic relations with guys. I really liked the idea of having a boyfriend and was stunned that guys found me attractive now that I was in high school. I have always been very artistic and creative and slowly have developed a style for myself that highly revolves around vintage clothing or stuff I make. Ag the beginning of my junior year, I began talking to a guy who I had had a crush on for years. He is two years older, very cool style and music taste. I began to dress different and listen to old music because I wanted to impress him. I would say I dress pretty feminine, but the past few months I felt that I’m not able to dress how I want because I’m afraid people will think I’m not straight. I am a very social person and would say I have a lot of friends, girls and guys, and would also say I’ve have a decent amount of guys interested in me. I feel myself more attracted to guys who are artistic and musical, and have talked to a guy who was bisexual before, which, now looking back on it, makes me wonder if that makes me bi too. I’ve had multiple talking stages with guys in the past year and have truly enjoyed their company and intimacy. My most recent talking stage started to fluctuate when I kept asking myself if I was attracted to the guy. I know I am, but it made me feel really upset and bad for not being able to give him all of my personality. I also have always been the type of girl to want to be talking to a guy, who always wants a boyfriend, but now I feel like people think I do this because I’m trying to hide my feelings. But I feel like if that were the case, I wouldn’t feel happy and excited when they text me, or want to keep hooking up with them, etc. In addition, I am a tall girl and feel very poorly about the way I look, often thinking I look very masculine. It has come to the point where I have to ask my mom almost every day if I look like a boy, to which she replies wondering why I would ever think that. OCD runs in my family but this has been such a battle and makes me think that because I have spent so much time thinking about this, I must not be straught. Overall, I know deep down I’m straight but also hate the idea that one day I might not be, and that this type of ocd could be fake. Please let me know if anyone relates or has anything I can do to help me be myself again.

I’ll start - Worried I was a zoophile because I enjoy eating octopus - Thought I was dying of a brain aneurism because my head hurt - Thought that because my towel touched the hand towel that my family uses that I had to wash them both so that way my family wouldn’t become attracted to me.

I used to deal with soocd (specifically the thought of never knowing my sexuality) when I was single years ago, but I was able to handle it and move past it for a while and be content with the conclusion of just liking people, not specific genders. Now that pride month is rolling around (happy pride everyone!!), I have seen an influx of videos on tiktok talking about comp het, specifically found in bi/pan women who are in relationships with men. I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and I love him. We are going through so much (betryal trauma, handling my OCD for other themes, and just regular relationship issues) but we always choose to stick it through and keep fighting for us. Lately though with these videos constantly showing up, it has triggered my SOOCD to come back and at full force like never before. I feel like it's more intense now because I fear losing my relationship so my ocd has really grasped onto that fear. I talked with him last night and about the thoughts that are running around in my head regarding this. How it is so hard to really know who/what I'm actually attracted to without fearing that I'm wrong. How I'm worried I've wasted our time in this relationship if it really is comp het, or how I know that this is my OCD but how can I ever truly know? And it's not that I don't love him or find him attractive, but I can't help but freak out about "what if because I find women attractive I don't actually find him attractive?" or because I have an on and off relationship with sex and feeling the need to or having a very low sex drive sometimes that it means something deeper about my attraction towards him. I know it's a long read, bit soke advice or tips on how to navigate this or someone telling me they have dealt with the same thing ir hearing about people's experiences would really help. thank you and I wish for easy and kind thoughts for everyone <3

Does arousal = sexual orientation? Sometimes I get turned on by the female body (in porn) but I have no intention to do anything with them nor am I attracted to women that way in real life. My brain keeps telling me otherwise and I'm so confused rn. I've been attracted to men all my life