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I’m freaking out that I still have love for someone from my past. Of course showed up in my dream last night. I haven’t even thought about this person for the past year while being with my partner. What????? Ugh this never ends does it

I don’t know if I love him. I don’t think I do. I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I loved him. Before this I loved him so deeply we were such a good match but lately. Maybe just the past month were either fighting or not talking. Ik all couples go through rough patches. But this feels more. I wanan work through this. Ik all the problems are my fault. The jealousy, the resentment, the anger. It’s all on me. I’m the problem. But idk how to fix it. Idk how to stop being mad when he talks abt spending time with his friends. Idk how to stop being sad when he leaves to hang out with them. Idk how to not cry myself to sleep when he wants alone time. I wanna be with him. I want this relationship. But the good is so few and far between. The laughter and smiles is so fleeting. So much of my time is spent wondering if he hates me or if I hate him. I don’t wanna hate him. I wanna build a life with him. I see a future with him. But idk if I’ll ever truly be happy with him cuz of my jealousy and the fear I don’t love him. I try. I try so hard. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling but it’s so hard to make that choice when my brain tells me he wouldn’t make that choice. When I feel like he hates me and I’m boring him. When I’m insecure I feel so mad and angry that I can’t love him. I can’t feel any good feelings I’m just mad. And I hate it. I want us to be happy but I just know he likes being around them more. I just know I’m a chore to him. And I hate it. I love him. I love his beautiful face and his laugh. I love when we’re happy and good. And ik relationships require sticking it out through the bad. But I feel so guilty and so mad at the same time. I think abt are future and this pit is in my stomach and idk if it’s cuz im rlly anxious rn cuz i feel like he doesn’t love me or cuz i really don’t wanna be with him. I wanna be with him. I want him so fucking much. And I care abt him. But the constant questioning of my feelings and his feelings is driving me crazy. Idk what’s real and what’s fake. This relationship feels doomed and if it is idk if I’m gunna be able to handle the breakup. I love him. I care abt him. I want us to be together forever. I wanna grow old with him. But idk how to stop the bad feelings. How to stop the anxiety and anger. I just wanna love him and he love me. I pray for it every night and I try to be a good person but I’m so jealous and scared I keep ruing it. Idk what I want from this. Reassurance ig. Like can our relationship survive what’s happening? Is there a way to get better? To stop being jealous of him doing things without me. I don’t wanna become a bitter hateful gf. I just want us to be together and happy. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling. Ik you have to choose your partner every day even when you don’t want to and it sucks. But I’m so tired of feeling this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I wanna be happy in this relationship. Ik deep down he’s the one for me. Ik I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m with him. But idk if I truelly love him or if I’m just scared of losing all that we’ve built. Idk. Has anyone been where I’m at and if so how did you get through it? How do you get through the constant worrying abt both yours and your partners feelings?

I've become an OCD conqueror and Im pretty proud of myself. Not sure if anyone will read this. I've been battling OCD this year with the tools I've learned from NOCD and it's been challenging, but incredibly life changing and empowering. I still suffer from symptoms, I still do compulsions, I still avoid triggers and seek reassurance. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm learning and I'm improving. Progress isn't linear my friends, but it DOES get better. I feel so grateful that I got the help I needed. I was in a very dark place before starting therapy with NOCD, and I can't say I loved the process in the beginning. I didn't want to do ERP, I didn't want to discuss my symptoms or thoughts or talk to a therapist. Sometimes I did it half assed and begrudgingly, but I knew I had to stick with it to see improvement and I did. Recovery isn't pretty, it can be hard especially when no one sees you battling OCD and wrestling with the unbearable guilt, anxiety and rumination. ROCD had a grip on me. I've gone on trips with my girlfriend where I was convinced it was the last one, because nothing quite "felt right" and I wasn't sure if I was lying to her when I said "I love you." We'd be sitting down on the couch and I'd feel like I was being tortured, constantly doubting whether or not I'm in the right relationship or whether or not I truly love her, compulsively rubbing her arm or kissing her lips to see if I "feel in love." She never knew how much I was suffering. I would stay up late crying, wishing I wasn't a "shallow monster" who secretly didn't love his girlfriend, wishing I could stay committed and focused. Through this journey of recovering from OCD, using the methods I've been taught and being consistent with my exposures, I've managed to greatly reduce my symptoms. Even if I am suffering, I now know I can handle discomfort and that I'm stronger than I think. I can tolerate the intolerable, I can bear with uncomfortable thoughts, sensations and feelings. I can keep my cool. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. You CAN overcome OCD. You CAN make progress. Whoever is reading this, I'm incredibly proud of you for taking the steps to recover. These are skills that will help you for the rest of your life. You CAN do it. I believe in you.

How long do you guys have to sit with a thought for it to go away? I have sat with thoughts for days and days before and the anxiety was crippling to where I couldn’t eat or sleep. Until I asked. And especially something I’ve already asked about before that upsets my husband but my brain was like did I hear him right? Yada yada. That’s about where I’m at right now. I feel so sick from anxiety

Hello! I just needed a place to vent.. Me and my boyfriend are having a hard time right now because of my anxiety and because I have had vestibulodynia for 3 years. If you have a flare up of relationship ocd then this might trigger or something but I don’t know. Anyway, my vestibulodynia has made me afraid of intimacy a lot and my partner also in fear of hurting me has withdrawn a lot too. I still want him, it’s complicated. This year, things have been tougher with finding a cure, and that’s when I’ve started to have the thought ”what if it would be different with someone else?”, but I don’t want anyone else. I have had these urges to stare at attractive men, which I don’t really know why, a lot of fantasies come up in my mind, just popping in. About two times this year, I have been staring at an attractive guy/or just a guy a few times without really knowing why. I take it as a sign together with my withdrawal that I no longer want him, and is cheating. The thing is, I don’t like what I’m doing, and I don’t know why it happens, it’s like I can’t physically look away. I have to control myself to not stare. I know I can’t ask for reassurance here, but I would really like to know if this is ocd. I also had a fantasy of flirting but not leading to anything more, I think I wanted more chemistry with my boyfriend and it manifested into someone random that can’t hurt me. I don’t know what I just said meant but when I had it, I think I was clear with that I knew I only wanted those feelings with him, my boyfriend. The times I can’t stop staring, what usually happens in my mind is that I see that they are attractive, then I kind of take in their features but then I remember not to stare, but it’s weird cause it’s not like a calm ”oh so beautiful” it’s like my head keeps being turned and I physically cannot stop. I have heard of stare ocd but I’m not sure. It’s complicated because yes I feel sad because my vulvodynia messed up for us, because I was in heaven with him, before this relationship anxiety, and that was like one year ago still. When I don’t feel shame and when I allow myself, he makes me so so happy. But right now I feel like I don’t deserve him. He would never do anything like that. It feels like I have cheated, because it feel unloyal what I did. I wouldn’t want him to do that and I don’t know what I would do but I think I wouldn’t want to be with him. I’m so afraid that I have messed up. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, but I don’t know. I’m so scared because my dad was a cheater, I NEVER want to be like that. The fact that I’m doubting so much of I should be with him makes me feel like I’m cheating and he deserves better. It’s strange because it came from nowhere it feels like, it started when I started to give up on my vulvodynia for real, and when I felt like he seemed to care less. I never looked at guys like I have this year before, I feel so horrible. I wanted our relationship to be pure and loyal.

I’ve dealt with ocd themes for as long as I can remember, POCD, HOCD, false memory, the feelings of having to confess something, washing certain body parts a specific amount of times, all of it I am still pretty young and I just got into my first relationship. I always knew ROCD existed I just never had the chance to have an experience with it 😭 and here I am. I really do think I have an anxious attachment style. But it’s also like I constantly worry if I’m too much or if i should not be in a relationship or if I rlly love my partner like I tell him. I am sensitive and very communicative so when things bother me I like to communicate them but then I worry that I do too much or I worry that it isn’t normal to find this many things wrong so early in a relationship. I also worry if he doesn’t like me or if he Will get tired of me, but those thoughts are easier to get by. The hard thoughts r the ones where I doubt my feelings for him. My mind feels like a MESS! And it’s harder because we only see eachother once a week. This may be heaven compared to other ppl who struggle with real long distance but for me the time in between gives me a lot of time to nitpick things that aren’t even real problems and create a sense of a toxic relationship that isn’t even real! The only times where I feel like maybe it’s all in my head are when. I see him and the days after, but when it gets long it gets rlly hard. I rlly do love him and he gives me reassurance when needed but I can’t help but focus on the negatives when little things bother me, especially when we are apart from eachother and jsut texting. Texting is hard because then there is the obsession over waiting to see how long he will take, not knowing the tone of texts, and being able to over analyze every conversation we’ve had. I also do mental checks to help me reassure myself that I love him 😭 like when’s the last time he made me laugh, what are some nice things he’s done that I rlly liked, and jsut trying to actively acknowledge everything he’s done so I can stop panicking abt the fear that I don’t love him. It’s literally only been 2 months of us dating so the fact my ocd is so early onset annoys me so bad because I rlly do feel like I am still in the crucial stages of a relationship where we are learning how to love eachother, so there should be some ups and downs and minor arguments while we get over this phase… but I can’t help but wonder what if these little things just mean I hate him? It’s extreme but I worry and the reels and tik toks I see about people realizing they don’t love their partner make it all bad!

* Mentions of Sexual OCD, Hypersexuality, among other things. Recently, I had started to feel so much better, after trying to do some ERP therapy at home, i could feel myself becoming much more capable of holding back intrusive thoughts. Well since yesterday.. or, i dont know when, its been absolutely destroyed. About a month ago, I went out with some friends to the mall. everything was great, until while at the arcade, me and one of my friends tried pranking the other two by running off without them noticing. Well it backfired, one of the others went with him, and i was left with someone who i’ll just call J for the sake of simplicity. To cut it short, we had already pranked J earlier, so I stayed back to tell him about what we were trying to do, and things got weird. He started telling me to ‘go to the bathroom’ with him. I’ll admit that i didnt know what to say, i just felt off, but i wasnt going to do any of that. But i didnt say no. Long story short, i had to use the bathroom, so i left the arcade and went to another and luckily my friend distracted J so he wouldnt follow me in. I’d like to also add now that I have someone that i love dearly, me and him arent really together yet, but its a mutual thing. After that i cried when i returned home. and eventually i moved on, blocked the guy and everything. Now, i don’t know why, or how, but i cant stop having images in my head of what would’ve happened if i did do it. If i did go to the bathroom. And at the same time it shows me images of things happening in my own house, i see it in the shower, while on my couch, even while eating. And it doesnt stop at the sexual stuff, No. It shows me romantic versions of all this; hugging, kissing, holding hands, and in the background it mostly shows sexual scenes. All while giving me groinal responses and weird sensations that are akin to attraction of some kind. Im losing my mind trying to get it to stop. Its eating me alive, and its gotten to the point where i feel like im cheating on my partner. And my mind keeps tellint me that i actually dont love my partner, that I should’ve just gone along with what J was saying, and its making me feel like i dont really love my partner. That i should just unblock and text J. Its making me feel like ive fallen out of love and i dont know why, what if i did fall out of love? what if i end up doing something wrong, or making the wrong choice? Im scared of not loving my partner. I love my partner too much to lose him to this bullcrap. Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel lost and I dont know what to do. I cant even think about my own partner, not even about me hugging him, it gets replaced with J, everytime i try to think about anything it gets replaced in some way with something related to J. Even if i see a show, and i see someone that reminds me of J i instantly start getting intrusive thoughts and images. I feel so horrible, i feel like I’ve failed my relationship somehow. I dont know what to do.

Has anyone's ROCD caused trouble in the relationship in regards to talking about marriage? It's caused a lot of problems for me. And it turn, it causes her to doubt and then that comes back to me as full blown OCD. It's really difficult

hiya, it's been a while because i was finally getting better.im a straight girl and i've been dealing with so-ocd severely for about a year now. i originally used to obsess over this one girl at my school and it was so bad and literally interfered with everything. after lots and lots of patience and avoiding compulsions i got over that false attraction and i felt myself be okay again. this year i have developed another attachment to someone, and im struggling all over again. also i thought id share that i experience friend crushes which is where you just wanna become closer to someone if that makes sense. anyways originally i was experiencing that and then my ocd keeps telling me what if its more and what if i am gay? i've completely forgot what it felt like but the thing is, it feels so real!!! i feel excited to see her and wanna be around her but everytime i freak out and obsess about the thought i could like her as more then a friend. deep down i know i don't because i don't feel any romantic feelings and i shouldn't feel such negative emotions and anxiety if it wasn't my ocd. i am so sorry for the rant but im back to square one. 😭😭

i figured it’s better to reach out than to keep this buried. if you have anything—resources, insights, advice—that could help me, please send it my way. anything that might bring clarity, support, or even the smallest sense of direction would mean a lot. diagnosed Borderline w/ OCD July 29th i haven’t written in quite some time. journaling, once a refuge, became a mirror i no longer wished to face—each entry echoing the same obsessions, amplifying them, feeding their rhythm. i lost the spontaneity, the irregular cadence that once made expression feel free. instead, it became a ritual of rumination. recently, i’ve begun making small, deliberate changes—adjustments wherever i feel the pull. i’m starting to understand that who i am is an ever-shifting convergence of thought and temperament. my personality isn’t fixed; it’s a reflection of my internal weather. tracking my moods has helped illuminate certain patterns, revealing how my triggers unfold—but pinpointing those triggers remains elusive. the inconsistency, that quiet turbulence within, makes it difficult. there’s always a friction between my need for comfort and my hunger for transformation. i’ve always judged that contradiction in others—yet here i am, mirroring it. i’ve slowly dismantled many of my defenses, not out of strength, but out of exhaustion. in surrendering control, i’ve made room for meaning. for once, i’m not chasing perfection—I’m chasing something that feels true. psychology is calling to me. it feels like a path that might finally align with the way i think and feel. i’m changing schools, moving in with my father for a while. i need distance from this space that has become both a sanctuary and a cell. my environment dictates so much of my being. that’s how i know: if i can shift the world around me, i can begin to reshape the world within. i’m tired of this ache, this heaviness that keeps finding me no matter where i go. there’s still a part of me that longs to disappear into it—to wrap myself in the numbness, to retreat into that dark shell i’ve outgrown but never quite left behind. but i know now that denying my humanity only deepens my suffering. this endless attempt to regulate every thought, every impulse—it’s tearing me apart in slow, invisible ways. each obsession is a tiny collapse. i pray for the still moments, the ones where i’m not paying for the chaos inside me. i want to take responsibility, i truly do, but none of this feels like something i chose. i didn’t ask for this. i never would have. nothing so far has brought me the fulfillment i crave. i need to rebuild—to design a life rooted in stability, in truth. but it’s hard when i wake up feeling like a different version of myself every day, like i’m holding court with a rotating cast of souls, each demanding a different truth. i hope therapy can help me unburden all of this. i want more than survival. i want peace. i want joy. i want to be loved in a way that doesn’t feel conditional, and i want to love back without the fear that i’m incapable of giving what i receive. i want to be able to hold my instability in my hands and say: i am not afraid of you anymore. but that courage flickers. depending on my mood, my willingness to change rises and falls like a tide. i remain, at my core, a frightened child—haunted by the same small, inconsequential fears. i don’t know why i want to live, and that unsettles me. i don’t know why i long for connection, and that unsettles me too. i just want to emerge from this with something real, something that belongs wholly to me. i’m tired of being fragmented. i’m tired of being stuck in this cycle of becoming and unraveling. i want to belong to myself. i just don’t know what that truly means.

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

I’m spiraling right now because I don’t want my partner to cheat on me in the near future or think about anyone else 😭 I know it’s normal to find others attractive but I don’t want my partner doing it to other people or cheating on me and never telling me I’m sorry I saw someone else post now I’m tripping out right now that my partner may have done that to me I want to be single for life

i'm a lesbian, i was sure of this for many years, until soocd started messing with me around a month ago. it's hard because lesbians with soocd aren't well documented and it's hard to find similar experiences from others. i hate this, my mind is telling me it's not ocd and that i actually like men. i don't even know if i wouldn't like it. i guess that's accepting uncertainty but i don't want to like men. i want to marry my girlfriend. i don't want to be with a man but my mind doesn't let me feel anything regarding that, neither good nor bad, and i cannot tell if i enjoy that thought or don't like it. it's horrible. i'm so exhausted. i get groinal reactions too which i've never even had before this subtype flared up because im on the asexual spectrum. it's insane. has anyone else had any similar experiences?

So been trying to do erp with my therapist for a while now, and tis really hard and feels like it's not working. Il get this weird sensation or feeling that makes me feel"gay" or as if I'm attracted to someone, and I know my therapist keeps telling me" you don't have to put meaning into the thoughts or feelings" but that seems impossible to do because and I'm sorry to say, it makes me feel that specific way. And I'll use the Erp quotes, "maybe maybe not" or"the more I struggle, the worse it gets" or"these feelings and thoughts are here, but I'm choosing to let them be" and I'll do nothing and try to let it be here but it's so distracting and feels very real, and it's like this sensation, small or big and it last all day, and even just sitting with it isn't working. And my therapist will tell me"you don't have to believe in it" and I'm sorry I feel like if it were that easy, OCD would have never been a problem in the first place, or live with uncertainty, however it doesn't feel like uncertainty, but feels very truthful or valid. Idk what I'm doing wrong tho

is it possible to ONLY have rocd and only experience it for the first time in your 20's?? maybe i had ocd growing up and i just didn't know but i still don't really know where i would've had it, but it feels like this came out of no where and my life isn't my own anymore

Soooo I’m over here just trying to make it to my next NOCD appt before breaking things off with a guy I’m getting to know 😞 it’s hard for me to tell if I’m having genuine concerns about compatibility, or if I’m spiraling into OCD. How the heck do I date someone and not consider compatibility? But I find myself going into fight or flight mode, or feeling like I need to make a decision immediately after a date, or ruminating about it all throughout the day, trying to figure out if the concerns are valid enough, if I’m settling, if I’m about to give up on something that could be beautiful…. Whenever I write out all my concerns, they don’t really seem like that big of a deal, or seem like things we could talk through. The biggest concern for me is whether we are compatible in the sense that talking comes easy or we feel comfortable around each other. But we’ve only been on 3 dates so it’s hard to tell. Things are still awkward sometimes. I am also autistic and this complicated things with how I socialize. So I told myself “just get to your NOCD appt in a few days and don’t make a decision til then. You can talk about it with them then.” It’s only my second appt tho, so I’m not even sure what they discuss at appt#2 and if we’ll have time to talk about it. I guess I’m just getting this off my chest right now and I appreciate this community where I can be honest 😔💛 (Added TW because I’m not sure if it would be for others)

Hello! I don't know if someonecan help me clarify if this is part of OCD. I've suffered from the condition since I was a child and have experienced many subtypes. But right now, I have a thought that bothers me the most. It has to do with my sister. Is it normal for us to have obsessions with scrupulosity and to create dilemmas about actions someone we love would or wouldn't do as a symptom? I feel like this need for moral perfection is in my sister, and I think if she knows I thought badly of her, she'll never forgive me and my world will end.

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

I feel like I really need help right now. I keep reminiscing on my old relationship and comparing it to my current one. For context, within my old relationship I had been with him for a pretty awful year and 3 months. Within the first 3 months I realized that I didn't actually want to be with him, but I felt sorry for him. So, I stupidly started self sabotaging the relationship. I know that it was stupid, and I tried to break up with him but every time I felt bad. His mental health was already bad and I hate any possibility that I can make someone's mental health worse. That whole "relationship" was so toxic on both ends though. All of that alone has me so messed up. But with that I also had this false attraction to him. Like, I would always be figuring out what I wanted in a relationship and tried to do that with him despite knowing that I didn't actually want to be with him. Now my mind keeps trying to convince me that I'm doing that with my current relationship. I know that I'm not. This one feels genuine and it's pretty healthy. We have our bumps, but we both have this want to fix it and it's just so nice. I hate that my brain is trying to ruin this for me.

im posting a lot about it, i was online dating with one peson whocwas 13(14 in a week) and i was 15, they knew that, we talked about lots of stuff and for some reason after we broke up i was scared i was grooming there without any intention. so when we got contact again because i contacted them again my ocd like kinda forced me i need to tell them that i am 14 too, just to like fix it or be safe or whatever, and after i told them that i also asked if i groomed them or if they felt groomed also as a compulsion and i added like i think "i know it's one year but" like im already expecting an aswer which was 'no'. and im scared this wws some sort of manipulation and i know i shouldn't ask for reassurance but i feel like i need it i just need to know if it was some sort of sexual assault. i didn't lied about my age to use them I didn't even want to lie but i felt i need to or else they'll tell somebody i abused them even tho i know that either way no matter if i lied or noy they'd say I didn't and they also don't even remember me anymore but im so terrified i did all because of ocd I didn't want to lie or manipulate i know it wqs wrong but just tell me was that abusive