Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Im feeling really depressed and like i dont care about anything, and suddenly ive lost all desire for a relationship or being with anyone. I just dont care about anything right now but its kind of freaking me out.

I’ve had rocd for the last few years , got married a few months ago and I finally felt the last couple of months I had it under check and wasn’t getting as many flare ups. I’ve just found out I’m a few weeks pregnant and my obsessive thoughts have now Sky rocketed. I’ve been crying most days and I’m feeling guilty because I read that anxiety and crying can be harmful to the baby. My obsessive thought is fixated on a stranger I crossed paths with a couple of years ago , I felt attracted to him and it caused my ocd to spiral as I imagined life scenarios living with him etc which made me feel really guilty as I’m in a relationship with my partner. I still have these obsessive thoughts over this person years later it hasn’t gone away and now I’m pregnant I’m feeling extra guilty that I’m worrying if these thoughts mean I’m meant to be with this other person. I know this seems really immature and I need to get a grip with reality but the thoughts seem so real- it’s like I worry about the idea of this person being a ‘soulmate’ due to the obsession over him . I’ve never told my husband about these thoughts because I don’t think he would understand or handle it well, he’s worried about me crying during pregnancy and thinks it’s to do with the baby which is in turn making me more anxious.

Being mentally ill (OCD and depression) cost me all if my friendships, leaving me completely alone. My family is a war zone and not a group of people I can find solace and comfort with. I started a relationship in January 2023, after my long-term relationship ended in 2020, because my then partner couldn't cope with my issues and the limitations they caused. Now my "new" partner is the only person I have left, but our relationship is getting worse and worse. I feel I can't be myself around him, that I constantly need to play a role in his presence. I also can't talk to him about things that matter to me. It always ends in him making a lot of accusations, e.g. that I misunderstood things he said and that I only pick things that feed my narrative. I often feel gaslit. Lately, I started to speak up more, because I just can't take it anymore, which made everything worse. I know I should leave him, but I'm totally scared to be alone again. I was even scared to go to sleep, because that meant I will wake up in a panic, the feeling of loneliness hitting me so hard, that I couldn't bear it. I also barely ate, showered, brushed my teeth, not to mention my flat getting messier and messier. I wish, I didn't need other humans, I really do. I even told me back then therapist, that I want to learn how to live without having close relationships to other people. I know, what I wrote above has nothing to do with OCD, but I needed to get it off my chest and I have no where else to do that.

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

I feel so upset right now. Can anyone relate? I keep having this delusional-type thoughts that my mom is out to hurt me. We live together and at night when I’m trying to sleep I get the thought that she is going to come in my bedroom and hurt me. My mom is so kind and loving, she’s my best friend. I know OCD attacks what we love, but I can’t let this go. I try to just reply with a “maybe, maybe not,” but then it comes back full force and says “you’re in denial, they’re brainwashing you to think that way, etc.” and it freaks me out and makes me feel so down. Like it says “your life is in danger, don’t dismiss this!” I keep thinking I’m in psychosis. Like if someone asks me if I truly believe these things, I want to automatically rely “I don’t know.” Because the doubt and realness of the thoughts/feelings deal soo real like I’m convinced of these things. I just feel so lost and confused. It makes me feel sick. I confess all of these things to my mom, which I know is just me seeking reassurance. I try to say to myself if I truly believed she was out to hurt me, I probably wouldn’t even be sharing this with her. But then again my mind always has a rebuttal to bring me back into rumination. I want this to be easier. I want my life back. I have been dealing with ocd for years now and this flare up has been the worst yet. Please, I know I’m seeking reassurance, but can anyone relate to any of this?

My brain feels cooked, my nerves feel fried...I feel constant anxiety about my thoughts 24/7 now. My therapist told me he doesn't believe I have Depersonalization disorder and that it's all "placebo/nocebo effect" or "confirmation bias". I wake up feeling so disconnected from everything though, or maybe I am truly just telling myself that. I have intrusive thoughts that my brain can't mentally process what my eyes are seeing so it's almost like I'm blind even though I have perfect vision. It stresses me out to the point to where I don't wanna live anymore, yet the thought of death terrifies me. I never thought at 25 I would be experiencing these things, questioning how we exist, what causes it. I was prescribed Lexapro but the first 4 days of taking it my anxiety was so absolutely horrible that I stopped taking it...now my anxiety has labeled medication as a threat and taking any causes a full blown panic attack. I don't mean to come off as super negative but like...all I feel on a daily basis it seems is fear, panic, misery, and depression. I just don't know what to do. My therapist has told me to try and say "nope" out loud to these intrusive thoughts but it doesn't do much since my brain is obsessing and racing 24/7. I'm chronically tired and I'm just over it. My mental health is taking a toll on my bf now, and I'm terrified of losing him because of it and we've been together for 5 years now. People relating to me used to bring comfort, but now it feels like nothing does. I feel alone despite others dealing with the same mental issues I am. And all of this started, all of it From a migraine that caused a panic attack on July 27th. That right there was what caused my mental health to take a nose dive...idk what to do...I always feel like I'm not long for this world...like my life story is gonna be over soon...idk why, i dont have excessive thoughts of self harm.

hey guys! i’ve been recently struggling a bit with my rocd. it gets to the point where im like it just means this isnt right, and that im really obsessing because im scared to break up with them. but i dont wanna feel that way you know? it recently dawned on me that maybe the reason i freak out so much or have thoughts that id be fine without my partner is because i know i could handle a life without them? i get visions of that and feeling still happy. i dont want a life that does not include them but im having trouble being okay with knowing i can handle it AND feeling safe with accepting my thoughts my intrusive thoughts while still being with my partner who i love. it makes me feel like i SHOULD break up with them bc the thoughts give me that urge! the thoughts feel so real and like they must mean something and im having trouble conceptualizing WHY they come up and how to accept them while still having love for a partner. my main compulsions are ruminating and checking! any advice

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live. And idk how I can move on with my life ever why shouldn’t I be locked up if I ever got help like therapy I would go to jail and rightfully so I’m a monster.

I keep having intrusive thoughts that I am in love with my ex. I’m so afraid if I don’t sort through the thoughts then I’ll get in touch with him? I don’t want to hurt my bf so I feel so sick and just overwhelmed.

My daughter has been in treatment her on and off for the last few months. She is 16 and has been in a ROCD cycle since July 8th. She hates therapy and the way it makes her feel. She doesn’t want to do it anymore. She had a 2 week period where she didn’t say her ruminating statements to me but is now back at it. What do I do? I can’t force her?

Hi this is the first time that i’m posting something on this and i’m very anxious because i am scared that i’ll say something wrong or something. So i have been diagnosed with ocd in 2022 i think? this year i’ll be going to a mental hospital for my ocd, ptsd, axiety and personality problems. The treatment will be a year in total. I came across this app and thought that it would be nice to talk to people who understand me, and to have a place where I can share the thoughts that make me feel embarrassed, without any judgement. I have been experiencing a lot of instrusive thoughts lately. I Have a girlfriend and she is the sweetest. But i keep having these thoughts like: she doesn’t find me attractive anymore, thats why we havent slept together this week. she never wants to have sex with me again. she wants to have sex with someone else. She misses her ex. she only cuddles with me to make me feel better and not because she wants to. I disgust her she thinks im disgusting because i have a higher sexdrive. I feel guilty and disgusting because so many thoughts are about sex and it makes me feel like a terrible person who only wants sex. Even though i know thats not true. I love her with my whole heart and that would stay that way even if she would never want sex again. idk does anyone have thoughts that are similar to mine and do you guys discuss this with your partner or not?

Guys I’ve been really struggling lately. I’ve been having thoughts that are sometimes not triggered by anything and sometimes they are. The thought is that “ I don’t want to marry my partner”. I’ve also had thoughts about not loving partner not knowing if we are for sure a good match etc. . Idk why it’s so upsetting, that it’s a definitive thought. It’s not what if and that scared me that it’s not what ifs cause that means that it’s true. I don’t want it to be true and I’m trying to just sit in it and it’s not working. I just feel like idk what my reality is and I just want it to stop. I’d like to know if anyone has definitive thoughts as well. I feel so alone and I feel like everyone here that has OCD mainly have what if thoughts.

I've just started dating this really great girl. She doesn't know about my ocd which is fine but I've noticed that a lot of my intrusive thoughts and worries about not following routines now revolve around losing her or her believing I'm a bad person. I just don't want this relationship to make me so paranoid. I also know have this where if I see a girl on my Instagram or on the Internet, I'll feel an overwhelming urge to clean myself and the device I viewed it on. This is part of a moral reaction and I also worry I'm not being loyal. I feel I should try and not follow through with these compulsions but as they now revolve around keeping my girlfriend I'm not sure. Any advice?

I struggle with ROCD - specifically anything which can trigger a fear of abandonment. So themes have been / usually are: - I’m not enough (therefore he’ll leave) - He’s only with me because he feels sorry for me - We’ll never get married (except now we’re married, so this has now morphed into ‘we’ll never make it a year married’ - of course! 😂) It’s very painful to experience these thoughts. Since we got married, my ocd has shifted to - He’s lying to me / cheating on me / gaslighting me My urges are to check his phone for ‘evidence of cheating’ / ‘reassurance that he hasn’t cheated’. I’ve been fighting again these compulsions because they don’t align with my values / the kind of wife I want to be. And I don’t want to feed ocd of course.! I’ve largely been able to resist - I’ve messed up twice in the last few months, but as our 1 year anniversary approaches my ocd thoughts have gone utterly haywire, it’s painful to not check. It feels like I’m fighting urges every few hours. (I realise I am fortunate that I do go hours between urges, & my heart goes out to you all that have all-the-time urges). At night with his phone within arms reach it’s the worst for me. I’m losing hours and hours of sleep in resisting urges / riding the waves. Laying there feeling all the pain and distress and not reaching across him to get ‘the answers’. Nightmares also aren’t helping! 🫠 constant nightmares every night. I’m resisting 💪, but my god it’s difficult. It truly feels like I’m ‘deluding myself’ and ‘prolonging my suffering’ to not check if he’s cheating - (though I know this is ocd talking). This is one of the most challenging times I’ve faced, and I’ve only really just begun my ERP work. I’m mostly piecing together the instructions from online sources on how to do ERP, and I guess I’m just going to have to assume I’m doing the steps reasonably well. It’s just very tough.! I often feel so lonely in this fight against OCD. I’m also trying not to talk to my partner or friends about my fears - because I don’t want reassurance from them, I don’t want to feed OCD. But the loneliness of not talking about the struggle is pretty hard.! 😕 So I’ve come here to let that out a bit, it’s lonely, it’s difficult, it’s painful, and I’m not giving up. And it helps when I remind myself that all you lot are in the same boat as me, we’re all fighting our invisible battles alongside each other. ⚔️

Does rocd can hit at the beginning of your relationship within 1 week???

I have always had crushes on guys but I’ve always been too afraid to act on any of them. Which leads me to today, single. I have never been in a relationship and it’s hard for me to envision myself in one. Plus my socd is really bad. I have gotten to the point where I don’t know what I want. I have always wanted a husband but I’m second guessing that all the time. I try and think of scenarios for both outcomes and nothing gives me any clarity. I’m afraid that when I get a boyfriend I’m going to realize I don’t like guys. I’m afraid that if I get drunk at a party I’ll kiss a girl. I’m afraid to just live my life at this point. I’m afraid there is no one out there for me. Im battling myself everyday and now the lines between ocd and reality are not there anymore. Idk what to do. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and tell myself to let it be. But the intense anxiety hasn’t left me for 3 days. I just wanted to write it out and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

I’m a 20yr old straight female, always have been only attracted and dated guys. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s just the most loving, amazing and caring man I could have asked for. We’re long distance tho and the we haven’t seen each other in 4-5 months, it started to take a toll on both of us, but in my case I also have diagnosed ADHD the doctor did say I may have some symptoms of OCD. I’m not on any medication. It first began as lower libido, I overthink a lot and I began to get really anxious and from what I’ve read it seems like I have ROCD, and then out of nowhere I remembered I did once question if I was bi or lesbian a couple years ago too out of nowhere after a breakup with my ex. I was overweight pretty much all my life and I always had a lower self esteem with my looks and felt jealous of every other girl who was prettier and could wear any girly clothes and look great in it. But I really don’t know how and why this began but it feels real, it feels like denial. I don’t have groinal responses well at least not really thankfully so far at least, but I find myself having same sex dreams sometimes, or imageries or smth telling me “oh you should go kiss her, just do it” or smth like “are you really straight” I even to an extent had TOCD cuz although it’s now that I’m losing weight I still feel like what if I look masculine (I had a lil tomboy phase which I regret a lot and hate to look back on) but no I don’t want to. I feel like since HOCD, I’m questioning my attraction I have towards men and that as if I want to be bi or smth and that I’m in denial. It feels like I wanna do a same sex activity so bad but I don’t want to at the same time. The urge isn’t peaceful or smth I enjoy but imageries of me doing it and feeling good about it and I just start to cry and think to myself “why can’t I just be straight”. I’ve urges that feel so real as if I wanna do it but I really don’t want to and when I get such thoughts I think of “omg is this a sign”. What if I act on those impulses and become bi eventually. What if I become okay with it (i don’t want to be that). I can’t tell what’s true anymore, I hate it I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m so scared. I noticed these thoughts also began when I joined college and met a bi guy who I talked to quite often since he was in my class and I hated hearing what he wanted to do with same sex, who he found attractive in a very explicit manner and also he was just a ball of negative energy who loved to concept of dying soon, wanting to have eating disorder and healing himself that he said from that start and when I offered help and listened all of that he didn’t want any and said he just liked being that way. I’ve had thoughts of harming myself before and other types of ocd episodes since 10th grade but it’s HOCD that’s bothering me the most now. I also can’t afford therapy at the moment. Please help. (Sorry this is quite long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know what I can do)

how do I know what I felt wasn't genuine attraction but false attraction? I can't keep living like this.

I’ve been with my partner for over two years. We started a long distance away, and I remember feeling so in love, but the day my partner came to see me, I got into a place of fear. A month later, I decided to break up because it led me to high anxiety, and I thought I was better off alone. I started to feel she was the person causing all this anxiety. It took three months to work on me to realize it wasn’t my partner. It was me. We got back together and decided to give it another shot. I took it day by day because we were still a long distance away, but she decided to come back and live in my hometown. I remember times of going to see her and feeling significantly in love, which would reassure me I was in love, but then coming back, I would feel numb and not feeling anything, and my thoughts would trigger me into thinking if I was in the right relationship. I took it day by day when she finally moved back and lived in the same state, and we were doing great. Getting to know each other, I was present and enjoying the relationship. I felt so cared for, so loved. I would have doubts from time to time, but I was able to let those thoughts go. I even told myself I had seen myself with this person for a while because she had become my best friend. And then, I started to get overwhelmed with things around me. That led me to think I was better off alone, or even to think if I was settling or there was something better? Or I should feel more. This thought came into a spiral, realizing it was a pattern, but then I thought, okay, I need to work on what’s bothering me to make the relationship work, and then I said I need to break up. It was a contact thought of breaking up. I don’t know if it was an intrusive thought, but it made me anxious. Thinking I should leave my partner. I’m so sad and anxious and don’t know what to do. I wanted this relationship to work, and I was doing fine. I saw us making so many plans for the future, and now I feel closed off, and I don’t know what happened. Do I have relationship anxiety? Do I have OCD? Did my overthinking make me think I should be better off alone? I also feel upset. I don’t know if I feel upset with myself. It’s confusing.

Has anyone had this fear that they were abused in childhood and just don’t remember? And that’s why you have harm related thoughts? Like, I kept thinking if my mom abused me in childhood even though I had not ever thought or felt that way before, it came up a few months ago when my therapist was talking about complex PTSD which then freaked me out thinking something super horrific happened in my childhood and I just don’t remember it. My mom and I are super close, always have been. My mom was protective of me, but never in an abusive sense. She would just worry whenever I went out with friends and such, and wanted me to text her every now and again to let me know what was going on. Even in adulthood she sometimes wants to check in on me if I go out somewhere (even though we live together) and she even tells me to not worry about it and she knows it’s just her anxiety that gets the best of her, thinking something bad happened or what not. Anyway, I kept thinking about this and I thought is this abusive behavior? My mom wanting to check in on me? And I think of course not, it shows she cares and loves me. It’s not like she’s a hounding my phone every second or what not, just a text or a call to see what’s up. But my mind takes it further and thinks this is controlling behavior or something. So it goes back to the was I abused in childhood and I just have repressed memories, and that’s why I get harm thoughts towards my mom. I’m always thinking there is a deeper meaning. I never even thought that before in my life, about the abuse part, but it has become stuck in my mind and I’m scared it will ruin my relationship with my mom.