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How do yall handle intrusive thoughts !? I never realized that was a thing I think I’ve been dealing with this sense I was in elementary school I remember getting on the bus and had the the worry my mom was gonna get in an accident and it’s just gone from there

TW. Also long post ahead . I’ve been dealing with OCD for the past 10 years. I’m 32 years old . I didn’t get diagnosed with OCD until this year. I was always diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder, and depression. I don’t have your typical compulsions. Mine are mostly all mental. Reassurance seeking, avoidance , repeating a prayer , etc . I have three main themes . Schizophrenia OCD, sexual orientation OCD, and HIV. Sometimes i deal with harm OCD and POCD but my main big three are the ones I listed first . I feel like the schizophrenic OCD is the most debilitating for me. For the last ten years I’ve been thinking I’m losing my mind . I thought once I got to a certain age the fear would go away but it hasn’t and is in full force . I’m constantly checking my surroundings, what I’m hearing, how I’m acting , questioning if things are real and so on . Now I do have times where this theme doesn’t bother me . It’s put on the back burner . I go through cycles . But when I’m focusing on this theme I feel like I’m hearing stuff . Most of the time I can’t make it out but recently I feel like I’ve been hearing a whisper saying “hey” . It mainly happens at night . It sends me into a complete panic and I feel like “this is it “ I’m seeing an OCD therapist and she recommended me to go to this psychiatric place in town to get meds to help my anxiety from the OCD. My last psychiatrist always pushed the newest medicine and was constantly changing up my regimen. I thought I would give it a try. WORST IDEA EVER . Keep in mind my therapist gave me a letter to give to her explaining I have been diagnosed with OCD and explaining it . She doesn't think I have OCD at all. She wanted to put me on an antipsychotic so me with my OCD brain . I asked her if she thought I was psychotic . She said I was nearing psychosis . She called me interesting . She feels like I have major depressive disorder . I'm just at a loss for words. It was honestly the strangest meeting I have had with a psychiatrist. It was very unprofessional. She has no idea the damage she has done nor do I think she cares. I just don't know what to Believe in anymore ... We met for approximately 45 minutes . First time ever meeting. I just want to cry and I’m freaking out 😢

Hi there I talk about religion (but I'm not trying to force it down anyone's throat) So my main event (which is the one that truly bothers me) happened in 2015 when I was 14. I won't go into any details or anything. I will say that it got so bad once that I almost committed something detrimental to my health earlier this year. Not long after that I spoke to a doctor and basically confessed what's been happening to my brain and my mistakes, he mentioned things that really resonated with me, I'll paraphrase a bit: "Okay, so what you did was not good but it's not something to condemn yourself for. It falls into the grey area, you've apologized and have been forgiven (even though I apologized over text, which comes across cowardly)but it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself. There's a whole lot of difference between you at 14 and you at 23. Try to have some perspective." This really helped and it still does, but unfortunately ocd tries to find a way around this. I'll get a thought of "oh but you forgot to mention that other part of the event" and it magnifies it. Can anyone relate? I've done everything but fully move on because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to move on. And I'm still worried over the future.

This is my first time on Something like this, I’ve just been having a bunch of intrusive thoughts, from past memoirs to recent memories to just videos I see on line…I also feel I have slight anger issues too but not like violent tendencies (I could never) but they are just so crazy and uncomfortable. They been more frequently and they are really starting to depress me. I could use some advice or something.

this morning I was really rushed and stressed and that literally triggered my anxiety and like contamination ocd. I want to say I don’t have typical contamination ocd, I just have this gross feeling and certain objects trigger it. I can’t even say fully what I mean because it sounds so strange and weird. As I was getting ready I kept having gross images in my head and it felt so real and then I got worried if it actually happened and I just didn’t notice it because I was in a rush this morning. I’m so confused and stressed I am so done with this. I feel like I have to throw everything away now. like I can’t even say what happened exactly and that stresses me out so much more because I don’t know if it actually happened or what. I’ve cried over this so many time and I can’t even tell anyone because they’re going to think I’m crazy. how do I know if a memory is false or true? later on in the day I retraced my steps and everything and I kept thinking back about every event that happened before after and during and I can’t tell if it was real or not. if it was real I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself and I can’t live like this. I thought I was getting better and I started not caring about the thoughts, but this morning because I was rushed and doing things in a hurry I feel like it started all over again and I don’t know if this memory is true or not. seriously what do. I do?

So 🧍‍♀️ lately my eyes have been feeling tired like i just feel like shutting them and sleeping- and they get strained very easily 😭😭 this all started last Thursday when i was at robotics and i had to wear safety glasses but they were all scratched up and smudged and i wore them for 2 hours straight no breaks and i was focused so i didnt blink much- so after that my eyes constantly keep wanting to shut and they feel dry and overworked- but ofc- i had to google 💀 and now my ocd is convincing me that this means i have an underlying neurological disorder 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 PEODISKSJSJS IM SCARED I BOOKED AN EYE APPOINTMENT BUT IM TERRIFIED AND ANXIOUS

i always want to watch new tv shows and lately especially i’ve been getting triggered by a lot of them. anyone else experience this? it gets to the point that i feel like i can’t continue watching the show or i’m doing something wrong, even if i enjoy it/want to continue watching. i recently started watching the menéndez brothers documentary on netflix and i’m intrigued and want to watch the rest but then my brain tells me i’m enjoying it for entertainment purposes or “profiting” off of someone’s trauma or awful experience. i’m more so interested in the case and watching the court experience but i fear i won’t be able to finish it now. anyone else have this issue?

So I know it’s complicated but I have real event ocd that was caused by me remembering something I did in childhood I have intrusive thoughts about really everything pocd, harm, relationship I have intrusive thoughts and images, now im getting through the intrusive thoughts I just let them pass by because I know the feeling will go away eventually but when I have the images I freak out a lot more, that’s because I always had a very detailed imagination and I definitely blame that on maladaptive daydreaming and unhealthy amount in my life which in therapy I’m now realizing that I did that as a trauma coping mechanism, I didn’t live life I just daydreamed while listening to music for literally 8hours a day it effected me paying attention in school I already have ADHD, and having a hard time paying attention to anything because I ended up doing it all the time, before OCD it didn’t seem like a problem that was my escape, I’d daydream I was a pop star or a movie star while listening to music and it all felt real but now since I have ocd I have intrusive images if while I daydream so I stoped daydreaming, and the worst part is that they arnt even just “images” it’s me daydreaming causing harm or really messed up things iv seen in the past, I have no peace, when I spoke with my therapist she said if I started to daydream harmful things crumble them up in my head and throw them away which has been working, but I’m just concerned because people don’t really have that like I do with OCD and some people are like yeah you don’t daydream about these harmful things because that is you making it up in your head or if they daydream it actually helps them but it’s the opposite for me, I don’t know if I do this on purpose to check if I like these thoughts or even more punishment or a compulsion I just don’t know and it’s effected my sex life because I will daydream about my bf and then something taboo pops in my head and instead of Envisioning sexual thoughts with my partner I’m envisioning sexual things with the taboo stuff and it makes me feel like I am all of these awful things with the POCD and harm and people are like you just have to not pay attention and just be in the moment but I don’t know how to do that, most of my life iv been in my head that’s how I even get turned on in the first place fantasizing about my partner with no worries, now if I do I’m like am I attracted to children and my brain will check to see by popping up kids in my head and I’m very detailed innapropriate ways how am I ever going to get rid of this? How can I ever live a normal life? And even WANT to be sexual again if my brain keeps checking if I’m a pedo or want to harm animals and ect I know I’m not any of those things but my brain doesn’t believe it. I seriously don’t know what to do

I’ve been doing a bit better recently at trying to move forward from my main event obsession. It has completely consumed me for years (which I believe is justified). To preface, I’m not looking for sympathy. I am not a good person. My event involved me being unfaithful to my girlfriend about 5 years ago. Over a period of MONTHS. It’s my biggest regret in life, my biggest source of shame and self loathing. Once I pulled my head out of my ass and fully accepted the severity and gravity of my actions, I confessed to my girlfriend and got myself into therapy. I’ve spent years self reflecting (and unfortunately continuing to confess every detail and related thought I can possibly think of to my gf). We have had many, many long and emotional conversations about this. Somehow, she forgives me, trusts me, and continues to see goodness and value in me. This creates a huge disconnect in my brain because I am my least favorite person I have ever met. I’m aware that I don’t deserve her forgiveness and continued love. I am aware that because of my actions, I can never be the person I was before all of this again. I have finally accepted that I am no longer in the “good” category of humanity. It was so hard to accept, my ego and selfishness desperately clung to the idea that with enough work and self reflection, I could someday be seen as “good” again. But that’s not the point, that’s not what matters. I don’t have to be “good”. I have to wear my regret and remorse on my sleeve and use my past as motivation to never hurt someone so GENUINELY good again. I have to swallow my pride and accept that the way that I see myself and the way that I feel about myself now is just the consequences of my wicked actions. I accept that. I just don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, my girlfriend still wants me. She still sees me as a part of her future. I am so endlessly grateful, and I will never take her or the grace she has extended for granted ever again. I have changed so much in the past five years. Now above all else, I value transparency, honesty, genuine remorse, sitting with my girlfriend in her emotions, encouraging her healing in her own therapy journey, validating her experiences and feelings, and doing what I can to be a source of joy, comfort, and ease in her life. It’s all too little too late, this is how a normal person with fully functioning empathy and respect for others would have behaved all along. Unfortunately that wasn’t me, so this is all I can do. I guess I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to move forward. My girlfriend has wanted me to stop living in the past for years, but I feel like I still haven’t learned and internalized every lesson and meaning from my past actions. Even though my girlfriend doesn’t want any more details or confessions, I always feel like I haven’t told her enough (“If she just knew this one thing it would surely change her mind about wanting to stay with me.” Then I stupidly confess despite her wishes, and she still forgives me.) I’ve had about two months in a row now where I’ve done better at staying present and minimizing the amount I bring up the past (whenever we talk about this event, I am the one to bring it up). It doesn’t feel right though, it just feels like I’m ignoring my misdeeds. It feels like I’ve stopped actively learning from my past. And this isn’t even the only reprehensible thing I’ve done. I’m a very unstable, emotionally disregulated, and impulsive person. I have had so many hurtful and shameful moments in my relationship. Sometimes I suspect that I may even be dealing with something like BPD (not self diagnosing or trying to enforce negative stereotypes, I just painfully relate to a lot of the research I’ve done about interpersonal struggles with BPD). I have caused so much baggage in our relationship that I don’t even know how it’s possible that she still wants me without being a victim of Stockholm Syndrome or something. She very much disagrees with this sentiment and stresses the importance of me trusting that she knows what’s best for herself, and that she makes decisions accordingly. Sorry for the rant, I know maybe this isn’t even super OCD related (as I know my actions are severe and warrant a level of shame, regret, and disgust). I just feel so stuck. I want to move forward because I love my girlfriend and I want to do whatever she needs me to do to aid her in her own healing. But I am so stuck in fear. Fear that I don’t deserve her, that I’ve brainwashed her, that she’s trapped with me, etc. I just can’t fathom forgiving, loving, and reconciling with someone like me. I just need help, because I every time I take a step forward, I take 3 steps back. It doesn’t matter that I’ve changed, I’ve caused a monumental level of stress and grief in her life, and no amount of change will ever make me worthy of her love again. But I will never stop trying. If anyone has any advice or wise words for me, I could really use them right now. I’m sorry if I have triggered, upset, or angered anyone. If any of you reading this have been a victim of someone like me, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and I hope that you can find peace and healing in your own situation. Thanks for reading.

i made a similar post, but I didn’t really get helpful responses. also I’m not diagnosed and can’t get diagnosed , but the past two days I’ve been spiraling and I have constant anxiety. I feel contaminated and like I keep having actions replay in my head and I see images of terrible things and I just feel gross. also like I can’t do anything alone or else I’m afraid that I might end up doing something wrong. so then every action I do has to be in from of other people so I can make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. any time I’m alone and I go about my day later on I always get these thoughts and what I’m pretty sure is false event ocd and I’m stressing so much.

Something very traumatic happened in my life. I’ve actually had several very traumatic events, and years living in survival mode. I’ve spent the last five, almost six years in depersonalization and derealization. But a few months ago something very traumatic happened and I lost a lot of my friends, and a lot of things important to me. On top of this I live with my narcissistic parents who were trying to do everything to keep me from continuing to work to pave my road to independence. They were saying to take my time and mourn the loss, which is crazy because part of the reason of that traumatic event is that they tried to sabotage me. My dad threatened “if you don’t get your attitude right there will be consequences I don’t care how old you are.” I’m a young adult , I still live with my parents. They’ve made it nearly impossible for me to become independent. My “attitude” is nothing more than me trying to gain independence and maybe having a ‘slightly’ different opinion than him. I used to be able to rest at home after I came back from work. Now I’m 24-7 on edge. I have to act happy 24-7 and I can’t sleep at night. It’s 24-7 constant hell. I have no friends and no contacts. My dad has never been violent just to clarify but he’s terrifying because he still has control over me. I work two jobs right now. I’m doing it to help me pay for a car. But he’s trying to do everything he can to keep me from this. And ever since this traumatic event I can barely focus on anything I’m in a constant state of panic and fear. Before the event, I was doing really well at work and I had my plans all coming together. I could go to work, come home and rest. Now with work, I work twice as hard to focus but I’m half as focused even when I put in more effort. I am desperate. I will do anything to get out of this state of panic and get my focus back. I have to perform well at work to gain my independence. But the more worried I get, the more panicked I get. 24-7 I’m worried what is my dad going to do if I have the slightest “attitude” which he basically considers not pretending to be happy 24-7 and not laughing at every one of his jokes. He doesn’t even have a job he just stays home and basically annoys and tortures everybody and than tells us how terrible we are and tells us how we should be happier and how we’re terrible people and we all have to pretend like we think he’s a great person even though he literally does nothing. But anyway, I’m frozen in fear. I want to learn to compartmentalize. Before this traumatic event I could do this. Even though I lived with toxic parents I did my work for the day, I said “yes ma’am and yes sir” and showed respect then I went in my room, locked the door and I was done for the day. But now after this trauma I am in constant fear. Plus after my dad’s threat “there will be consequences,” I feel like I can’t relax even in my own home. Please help I need to compartmentalize what’s happening so I can rest at the end of the day. I don’t know what to do. I have to be able to focus at work instead of constantly being panicked. I read stuff that you need to do anything to escape a narcissist. Which is what I’m trying to do but I feel like the more I try to escape the more panicked I become so the less I can actually work because I’m just in a constant state of panic. I used to, before this even, just take it like one step at a time, one day at a time. I took independence one step at a time as well. And I think because of this I was actually on a trajectory to gain independence faster because I could actually focus on stuff. Now I’m just panicked because of my dad’s threats I feel like I have to escape. My mind keeps saying “I have to escape I have to escape.” But the more I try to escape the more panicked I become the less I can focus and paradoxically the less I can actually escape. Any one know what to do about this? It’s like the more pressure I put on myself the less I can actually function? Please any advice will help I’m desperate. This is a hellish way to live. I’m just begging for any relief from this hell. But I will not give up no matter what. I just need some advice on how to compartmentalize so I can some rest and some sleep.

im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️

I’ve been spiraling for days I can barely sleep. I worked so hard to get into grad school and now i’m gonna fail because I can’t focus on anything else. The fact that my real events range from years ago and recently make me feel like I’ve always been a bad person. I keep trying to understand my intentions I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m looking into starting therapy and medication soon but I need some advice on some healthy coping skills in the meantime.

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

Earlier today for about a few hours i spent the whole entire time in my room researching a certain topic and feeling 100% convinced it was true and that it was the real me and i never had ocd. There was convincing evidence too. I was freaking out, crying, etc. i hardly remember what i was thinking, its almost like i blacked out. I keep trying to remember because from what i do remember some of the thoughts kinda bother me. I ended up calming down and snapping back into what i think is reality, and felt completely opposite of what i was thinking just 5 minutes prior. Im so confused, i dont know who i am, i feel like im actually going crazy.

tl;dr // I feel like my ocd has latched onto the idea of "dont go to bed angry, you never know what could happen and tomorrow isnt promised." and it's really messing with me. One day in high school, my seinor year, I was getting on the bus and I told myself it was going to be a good day.I remeber the morning so vividly. I was listening to my favorite musical at the time and I was practicing trying to be mindful and speak positively at the start of my day to try and have a more positive outlook (a tip I probably got from some instagram info graphic or podcast). That same day, probably in my first or second period, my mom pulled me out of school, frantic, saying that my grandpa had been hospitalized and was critical. We were terrified and we made the 5 hour drive up there. days later, he passed away. I was convinced that me, for the first time, trying to convince myself to have a positive day, somehow influenced the events that led up to my grandfather passing away. I knew then what I know now: words and thoughts cannot manifest real events to happen. I know this, and yet I still catch myself when I think "I'm having a really good day" and hoping I dont jinx myself. All this to say, this type of theme has crept back a little bit today. I got into an argument with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, I got a flood of thoughts saying that since I'm being an ass and bringing up these serious problems that "something bad is going to happen to him at work tomorrow or in his sleep or what if he kills himself or what if there is some freak accident?? You need to apologize for having started the argument and we need to end things better because if not you'll feel guilty and full of regret if something happens, which it will." I told him about it and we apologized to each other and he understood what was happening. we then had a better conversation and we talked and I'm more okay with how things ended until the next time we can pick up the conversation. I think me immediately bringing the argument to a halt because of those thoughts was a compulsion. I also asked him before he fell asleep, if tomorrow could he text me periodically to let me know he is okay, which i also think is reassurance seeking. I recognize this, yet it still feels very necessary and very dangerous if it doesn't happen. how do I even go about trying to find peace with the existence of these thoughts feeling so terrifying and real because of what happened with my grandfather?

It’s been a dream of mine to go into the military ever since I was a little kid. I’m supposed to be leaving for the Marines sometime this year but the way things are going with my OCD, I might not even get to go. I got a video on my fyp on tiktok about a marine being in possession of cp and that really triggered me. I know it’s my OCD and everything that’s causing the “what if?” questions but I’m just so annoyed about it. Like why can’t people not do that stuff?? AND HE WAS MARRIED AND HAD KIDS. Sometimes, I don’t even want to go into the military because of how many predators there are in there and people hide it and cover it up. Honestly, I’m scared that the military is going to change me in a bad way, you know? I really want to go in for the opportunities and the travel but do I seriously want to sign myself off to the government to be around people that I hate? Kinda wack is all I can say about it. It’s either Marines or go be a firefighter, which I was already planning on doing after I got out of the military. I really wanna help people so that’s why I wanna be a firefighter. With the marines, I want the experience, I’m supposed to be an aviation mechanic but now I’m scared :(.

I feel like im loosing my mind. I feel like i experience derealization or what. I feel confused like very very confused. I cant even think normally. Im just tired. I feel like im loosing myself. Im scared that everyone tells me that i have OCD, but what if this is all true? I dont think and im scared that other so-ocd sufferers dont feel this way as i do. I feel literally, LITERALLY so convinced that this must be true. It feels like i already accepted that this is true. Im done. My brain is broken. I even started to have thoughts like what if i have schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder. Help me please. Do i have psychosis or what?