I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Real Events OCD

Username: izzzzyrizzzzyr

Date posted: 14w ago

hi beautiful, i’m 19 and have been through something extremely similar, maybe i could message you and share my story? it always helps me talking about it with others but I know exactly how you are feeling - it gets better I promise xxx lmk if you want to chat

Username: SpecklesSpeckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

I'm sorry, but I'm not fully understanding what you did to feel this way? Is it intrusive thoughts or did something actually happen?

Username: Ellie.Ellie.

Date posted: 14w ago

@Speckles I’m sorry for not making it clearer! but yes something did actually happen that’s the real event, which has caused me to have other intrusive thoughts like the ones I described the what ifs

Username: SpecklesSpeckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

@Ellie. You deserve to feel better. You are not a monster. The thoughts don't make you the person you are. You are more than your OCD.

Username: Steven55!Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

Why don't you contact NOCD and request a free consultation. What you're going through is frightening and debilitating, BUT treatable. Many of us have experienced what you're going through in one capacity or another, so you're not alone. A trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy can make all the difference in the world. And don't be afraid to open up to him or her. Like a priest in a confessional, s/he has heard it all before. Hope this helps.

Username: Ellie.Ellie.

Date posted: 14w ago

@Steven55! I understand I’m in therapy doing ERP as well but what I was asking is if I even deserve to get help do I deserve to feel better if I’m this monster is therapy just an excuse some people even say people who confess in church are usually bad people anyway and that it’s just a easy way to excuse their bad decisions, being a nice person was my only confidence I had and knowing that I’m actually a monster is so hard to accept

Username: Steven55!Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

You're not a monster. If you were, you wouldn't be agonizing over it. Everybody gets awful thoughts. As the English philosopher, Samuel Johnson. said, "We all have thoughts that would shame hell." Sounds to me like you're experiencing thought-action fusion. You think something bad, and you immediately think you must be a horrible person. In reality, a thought is a thought is a thought. It's not a threat, nor an action. Just a thought. One of your monster thoughts are no more of a threat than a thought about ordering a pizza. Just a thought.

Username: Ellie.Ellie.

Date posted: 14w ago

@Steven55! I do appreciate that I do but I’m talking about the real event that actually happened it’s not just a thought, that event actually happened in real life the intrusive thoughts I’m getting for it isn’t real yes but that event what I did as a a teen people would never forgive me

Username: Steven55!Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

@Ellie. - Ellie, it's not who you were as a teen that's important, it's who you are NOW. I don't know what you did, but, clearly you're remorseful. If we are judged by what we did as kids, 90% of us would be in jail. I guess you have a choice: you can either go through life with this guilt and ruminate over it ad infinitum, or you can take steps to get well. It's really that simple.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 25w ago

Terrified

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.

Username: D23859

Date posted: 21w ago

Cancel culture is triggering

Theres so many effed up things i’ve done or said in the past which still bother me to this day. One day i’ll have one obsession, like ROCD over being scared i’m cheating on my partner, then another day i’ll have POCD because of a past experience with an underaged friend, and im just so burnt out from all the thoughts and overthinking. I feel like the most horrible person each and every single day, a constant urge to confess, a constant feeling like im a traitor, and then thinking im just using OCD as an excuse for everything. Im so SICK OF IT ALL. I can’t catch a break. There’s too much going on in my head, like this constant rumination and analysis and then compulsions to search up these obsessions. However searching up things relating to it is probably the most harmful and worst mistake for me, because then I see stories of allegations e.g like dream being exposed for grooming a minor and people exposing others for other vile acts and it just triggers me so much, because it feels like I BELONG on there but never in my life would i actually want to do such things, and if everyone knew what i did then i feel like everyone would agree i quite literally deserved to be burned at the stake. Should i just get a therapist at this point or can i get through this myself with the use of some mental gymnastics like i’ve been doing the entire time? I feel too much guilt, it’s eating me up alive.

Username: hi3456

Date posted: 20w ago

Please help

I have pocd and am dealing with a real event situation with it. I did something really really odd when I was 18, like really weird. It kinda involved a child but no one was hurt and nothing s*xual really happened. What I did tho was really weird and although I’m kinder to myself and not calling myself a p*do anymore I still can’t shake how weird what I did was. Im not talking something cute and quirky weird like im talking weird weird and strange like mentally not with it. I feel like I’ve ruined everything and base my life on this thing I did. How do I stop feeling like this when I feel like I deserve to be put in an asylum.

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I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice

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