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How do I forgive myself for things I did as a kid? Disgusting terrible illegal things? I’m grown and I would never do them now, but how do I move on?

I’m new here and I’m not sure what to ask, but I feel like I need to ask something. The first thing that come up is a recent experience I had with waking up in the middle of the night just thinking my life isn’t real, like not that nothing matters, but like actually not real. It was terrifying. Other times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night just spiraling thinking that I’m just a terrible person and I’m ruining my children’s lives and my husband would be able to manage things better if I was not here. Anyways, I was wondering if there was anyone else that has experienced things like this. And how you deal with these things. I’m not sure that I even have OCD but it is something that I keep thinking about. I don’t want to assume though so I’m just trying to reach out for some community and outside thoughts. Thanks.

this is honestly the worst summer of my life. i have intrusive thoughts almost constantly and when i tell myself i can get through this i get even worse intrusive thoughts to destroy me. and even worse, i cannot help but mumble, whisper, or even say my intrusive thoughts out loud sometimes. this is honestly ruining my life. i don’t even know what’s real anymore and what i do versus don’t do. my mind is convincing me i have done things or want to do things that i haven’t and don’t want to do. i can’t enjoy my vacation and honestly just want to go home.

hey guys, this is going to be long but i’m trying to heal and i really really would love advice. i’m looking for help with confession ocd in romantic relationships. my question is, how do i stop myself when i have the feeling “wow this is something i REALLY need to confess. no it’s actually important this time” even though the logical part of my brain is saying all it will do is probably cause an argument and isn’t important. how do you get past that feeling of “i HAVE to say this thing because they NEED to know?” that feeling of it being so important. another question is if you do confess and you struggle with false memory, i feel like a lot of the time i say “i might have” it “i think i…”. this feels unfair to my bf because he never knows what’s real and what isn’t and NEITHER DO I!!! most of the stuff i confess is from around 2 years ago, so small details i don’t remeber. false memories can also make literally anything feel real. so when i months later after confession remever the REAL answer (i DID do this when i said i MIGHT have) how to stop from RE confessing?? sorry this was so long but i’m really trying to heal and i REALLY need advice. thank you guys!!

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.

Hi! Okay so everyday I wake up and freak out that I am dying or going to die soon and then because I think that, I feel like I am manifesting it but I cannot stop getting intrusive thoughts about myself or someone I love dying. I also can’t get in my car and drive without thinking I hit someone and somehow just didn’t know? And then I will just wait anxiously and think police will show up at my door. And lastly, I live in the past and always think about all of my mistakes and I can’t forgive myself and keep thinking my past will come back to haunt me. Does anyone relate to anything I said? I think it would just help to know I am not alone.

TW🔴 Ive seen ALOT of posts on here lately surrounding this topic so i thought would post something to help. I’ve dealt with real events and false memory’s surrounding this topic but i tried to change my perspective and hopefully this helps any of you who have experienced or are experiencing something similar,so i personally believe people with OCD put WAY too much responsibility on themselves, so even IF you did see something that was bad/immoral, you wouldn’t of known, and it would have nothing to do with you and be the person who distributed the videos fault, another thing i remind myself is that it’s not immoral to take risks, we take risks every single day which is not immoral to do so, don’t put too much responsibility on yourselves , another thing is that most of these things have happened when we were children/teenagers and it’s not fair to ridicule yourselves for things that happened around that age. Another thing is that it’s very easy to get ourselves lost in the internet and we aren’t creating any of the content, just viewing it so you shouldn’t blame yourselves for seeing anything you thought was bad/immoral, it’s unfair on us and the people who post these things should be blamed, no one else. I wish all of you all the best and i hope this post helped to switch your perspectives on this kind of thing, keep up the good work ❤️

I tell myself so much that I don't believe in myself and that I feel like a bad person and that events of the past leave me greatly uncertain about who I am no thanks to OCD. When it comes to who I was as a teenager, to be honest, I was straight up fucking weird. I did weird things, I acted out, I wasn't good at socializing with people, and the more I try to look back into the events of the past, the more disturbed and disappointed I become. That just was not the person I wanted to be. I just wanna be able to put all of that aside and just be nice to myself. Be kind to myself and accept myself for who I am and just be confident. The thing is OCD doesn't let me. It feels like I'm not OWED to feel that way about myself or that I don't deserve to. Or that I need the permission of OCD to feel that way. I don't want it to be that way. I just want to be able to think positive about myself despite the past but that's next to impossible.

Last year my dad got Covid and I went to the movies a day after. I did not even test to see if I had it. Not maliciously for some reason it just didn’t cross my mind to take one. I wore a mask at the movies and only went because I thought it was low risk. I got sick a few days after. I could be the reason people are dead. I’m the same as drunk drivers who harm others due to being mindless. I deserve to be in jail. I deserve to never be happy again. I deserve to lose everything. And anyone who disagrees is just being illogical. I’m the only one who sees this logically it seems because people tell me I deserve to forgive myself when I don’t.

I've had some bad trauma in my teen years and it was enough for me to complete shut down when it happened. It was also followed up by a dude, unwanted exposure to pornography. The sad thing is on average people around the age of 13 are exposed to it, which I was. I'm not even gonna mince words. This stuff really fucked me up. It made me act out really badly online and in person. I talked to a lot of random people online and it was sexual and I was pretty mean to people in person from time to time. I don't even know why I was so mean, but I was. This stuff was really bringing out the worst in me and I was addicted to the content. I can't help but think about the memories and they make me extremely uncomfortable. I take no pride in my actions as a teenager not because I want to blame myself for it (although subconsciously I tend to) but because of all of this unresolved trauma. Questioning the positives of my life, low self esteem, insecurities, not letting go of the past, having trouble communicating with people, and how I feel about myself. It all stems from this and I think being bullied in childhood. I think what happened in my adolescence has more of an effect on me though. My whole life I didn't have OCD until 2020. The very same day I found old messages from years ago that were sexual involving a stranger online I didn't know. It gave me so much anxiety it felt like my mind physically change. And boy did it change for good. Ever since that day, I've had POCD and real events obsessions and they still stick to this very day. Could it be that OCD was some kind of amplified warning sign? A sign that I went through a really rough time when I was a teenager? I'm beginning to think that it was in some ways. This stuff hurts a lot and it's hurting my adulthood. I don't know what adulthood could have been like without OCD but all I do know is that I'm constantly thinking about this non-stop and it gives me a lot of shame and guilt along with unhealthy coping mechanisms that have hurt me many many times in the past. Even still, they're very hard to stop. Much like compulsions. All of this stuff still greatly bothers me to this day. It's the unresolved trauma that keeps me on edge and unable to just relax and be okay with myself.

Trigger warning: dreams about being attacked/ patterns/“ predicting” I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while. But dreams are a big part of my ocd, one of the big parts. A lot of my ocd types manifest in them a lot and lately I think I’ve blocked them out(?) but there’s always one dreams that comes to me every middle of the month. And it’s a dream about being attacked by the same heavy set man, with a blue shirt and I’m a younger version of me or me now. When I mean attack I mean he chases me around and attempts to “ass*lt” me but before he actually does it I wake up and I freak out every time. I have reason to believe that this exact thing will happen to be someday? Or even worse it happened to me in the past and I just don’t remember it. It’s sounds scary and ridiculous of course but the fact I have this dream so often it freaks me out and I feel like I need to look out whenever I’m out in public. Especially when I look for places that I find similar from my dream or people I think look similar not even the man himself. I know it’s probably just my head messing with me but having this dream obviously freaks me out. And I’m just waiting for it to happen. Does this happen to anyone else? I know you can’t really get rid of dreams but is there anything I can do?

Recently my OCD has been obscured by my MDD (major depressive disorder) I am only 14, it comes in episodes. I’m entering an episode, and i’m scared that, one day what if i don’t come out of the episode? not death, i have never considered that. I mean i have an eating disorder, bullimia, and i just am scared everything may just be starting to get worse. A lot of this is trauma induced after seeing my cousin attempt to slit her wrists, the blood and everything was very traumatic. I have never been the same.

I am 16, my name is marie. I am in desperate need of help. Here are afew of my stories. 1. and ever since I was 8, I want to say, I have struggled with POCD. I always felt like a predator to my younger niece and cousin. I’ve grown to hate her for solely no reason, and with my two other nephews that came along, I’ve also grown to hate them. Only because I don’t want to seem like a predator, even though it’s in my mind, do I want others to know I hate them and have no liking for them. There were other cases where it isn’t my niece and nephews and I just always had a hatred towards children I felt like if I actually had a bad experience with them I would’ve seriously harmed them. 2. I have no connection to watching Gore, or I was never exposed to Gore until the age of 12, which was a hard year for me. In 2019-2020, I believe it was when a complete stranger, Ronnie Mccnut, killed himself on a livestream, and people made it an internet meme for years after, and still to this day, I see it. I can’t remember if it affected me at 12, but that was the only time I saw it. Now, at 15, in March 2024, it came back to me. It feels like a curse. I’m just so tired. The same nightmare has been going on for months. Since March, it’s more just memories than just nightmares. It feels stupid because I don’t know the guy, but I always have nightmares of him, and I haven’t even seen the video since I was 12; ever since. I cannot sleep ever since I have had no proper sleep schedule and could only sleep when it was daylight at 6-7 a.m. and wake up at 2-3 p.m. My friend is not helping; she’s saying he’s spirit is attached to me, and I’ve lived thinking for the past few weeks that he was attached to me and wanting to curse me in some way and I felt like I had to kill myself/ felt like I was going to die the same way as him. I always had a fear that if I came to someone online and told them my intrusive thoughts, they’d always use them against me. My other friend who is diagnosed with OCD says I have all the symptoms and I just need to be treated. I can’t afford it, and I hate therapy.. my father is always involved for the consultation and laughed at me the last few times. I was forced into an eating disorder clinic from my narcissistic sister and that did not go well. Ohio health care is no help and they don’t care for you. 3. I don’t remember much but around age 14 to beginning of 15 I always felt the need to die, I felt like I needed to kill myself for everyone’s sake there’s no explanation for this one I was a normal kid I was going to school, good grades I have friends I was going to events I just had this task to having to kill myself, yes I’ve attempted a ton at the age of 14 and luckily I haven’t had any serious harm done to me. There is nothing more to say to this it’s a fuzzy memory.

I need to talk to someone, I basically believe that almost all I have experience to this point with my HOCD until now it was just OCD tricks and bullshit, but I have this one memory that it's killing me cause it happened before the HOCD, and it's me having a feeling like I could actually crush on a dude, I just had it for one moment one night, I'm not sure why, but I did had it, and this was before I had HOCD, I'm also pretty sure it's not a false memory and I don't know what to do

Does anyone else have a such a bad fear of death that it keeps you up at night? Makes you scared to close your eyes? I’ve been struggling with this for years & don’t know how to accept the fact I’ll die one day. For example when people I knew from school or through my parents etc died I will fear for days I’ll be next. My friend can’t even mention dying or death around me because it will my emotions & fear. I am so scared to die tragically, (murder, car accident, shooting etc.) I am scared to die young. I am scared I won’t become elderly. I’m scared going in to a new school year wondering If I’ll be next to die. I’m scared of going into a new school year wondering if I’ll die in a shooting. I’m scared I will randomly have an unknown condition that can kill me. Sorry this is so long but I need to know if anyone else is like this.

I remember when I was younger I accidentally slapped my brother in his privates (I KNOW it was an accident), and he said “can you please not touch there?” I remember i freaked out at the time worried that his tone was indicating that I had done this before or that i’d m*lested him before. I felt really anxious and guilty when he said it like that. I’m looking back on this and i am obsessing. Should I be worried? Should I dig deeper into my memories to try to figure out what else i could have done, was there any deeper meaning, what exactly was I thinking and feeling that day when he said that? Maybe I was anxious because i knew something had happened? I’m so scared. What do I do? The more I ruminate the fuzzier and fuzzier the memory is. Please help.

very scared and worried i hurt/did something bad to my baby cousin while he was growing up and scared did something to a young family friend when i was growing up. idk how to move past without having answers but I never will get one. how do i even FEEL like im a decent or good person if there’s a chance i did something bad like this growing up? i was very hyper sexual as a kid and did try to touch other kids my age and also did weird things out of curiosity. i also did have things done to me as a kid by other kids idk if by any adults. I’m just scared.

When you had your first false memory experience did you think it was real because you didn’t know ocd could do that or did you feel like something didn’t feel right about it and suspect it was ocd?

Last year my dad tested positive for Covid but I went to the movies with my brother a day or two after! I wasn’t gonna go but my brother wouldn’t stop asking so I caved in and went. I wore a mask and thought I wouldn’t get anyone sick. Even worse, I went to the supermarket afterwards! Only because it was a quick trip and I passed people quickly. I can’t remember if I wore a mask but I’m sure I did because I wore one at the movies. But don’t I belong in jail for being so careless? Or at the very least, shouldn’t I feel guilty everyday for the rest of my life? I’m a monster. I can’t live with myself.

Please share your stories! I have really bad real event, false memory and POCD. I’m struggling a lot right now feeling undeserving, feeling like everything I’ve ever done in my life was meticulously calculated. Funny thing about OCD is even if I see someone do something way worse than me, it won’t phase me unless I’d done it. For example, something minor I did that really could mean nothing, my OCD convinces me it proves my ocd right. In light of the disordered times, I’d like to ask for someone to share their ocd recovery story, maybe some tips and how they did it. It’s feeling pretty impossible for me right now. Thank you!