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I’ve been ruminating since Friday. My ocd is beginning to feel pretty real. I wanna get back on track with my life. I’m really tired. I can’t bare with these intrusive feelings and thoughts. I feel like I’m sinking again. I’m so desperate. I’m irritable , exhausted , I wanna just yell.

I’m 18 and very new to my diagnosis, I’ve had symptoms my whole life but it’s gotten significantly worse within the last few years. I’m honestly just looking for advice. My days feel impossible, I wake up and have to convince myself I’m real, and I continue with that battle my entire day. Sometimes this battle happens and i start worrying that I can’t breathe. When I eat I get worried there’s fentanyl in my food that I will overdose from. My life feels impossible and I can’t see how this will get better or when it will. I’m on medication, and am in conversational therapy but I’m still learning about myself and my triggers etc so it’s hard to know what to talk about, how to explain it best and what can help me overcome my struggles. Anyhoo any advice would be so insanely appreciated. I don’t have a very supportive community around me. they try to be supportive but I don’t think they understand what OCD is or how mine works.

OK, this might sound really dumb, but when you guys get intrusive thoughts, do they just come once and then go away? I’ve heard that repeatedly thinking about an intrusive thought is considered ‘checking,’ but it doesn’t feel like I have any control over how many times it comes up in my head. It’s not like I’m trying to check anything—it just keeps showing up, almost like it’s terrorizing me every time. I can’t seem to stop it from looping, stop remembering it, or prevent it from coming up. Every time it does, I feel horrified, and I already know it’s going to horrify me. I don’t think I’m actively trying to see if my feelings have changed, so is this still considered checking? How do other people get an intrusive thought and just move on? Doesn’t it pop up a million times for them too? I always thought that was normal, but now I’m hearing this could be a compulsion, and I feel really confused, scared, and lost. Is this why my OCD feels so extreme? Because I really don’t feel like I can control how many times the thought pops up.

(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.

Codependency and lack of understanding personal boundaries is ruining my life. Can anyone else relate and offer help? I need help. I posted this in the CPTSD subreddit to I need help figuring out how to stop falling back into patterns of behavior I’ll stop for a week or two or a month but then it all comes back -I lie to my dad about stuff I need for school so I don’t run out of money Becuase I have really bad anxiety surrounding money since I don’t have a job at school (I’m working on it) -when love interests or friends don’t respond to me for long periods of time it’s hard for me to not constantly call them and text them to ask them if I did something wrong or if they hate me -I have OCD that convinces me I’m evil or have NPD so instead of improving I just accept that I’m bad and it makes it hard for me to get myself out of the shame spiral -no emotional regulation skills (I smoke multiple times a day and I drink often to sleep at night because my thoughts are so brutal) -it’s hard for me to be happy for other people due to my own perfectionistic tendencies that paralyze me and so instead of being “the best” I am actually nothing because I am too afraid to fail -I think I am special and more capable than most because of my trauma and what it has taught me. I also was born with perfect pitch and the ability to play the piano so I’ve had this pressure to “be something” forever and I don’t want to feel Like I need to do that anymore but my ego won’t let me go. How do I stop believing I have NPD or that I am evil ir a bad person for thinking I am special? I don’t know what’s wrong with me ever since I was little my mom would compare me to other kids so I think it’s hard for me to not be resentful of people who are good at the things I want to be good at since I never felt good enough. Sometimes I’ll feel okay with myself but then I’ll see someone doing the same thing as me even if they’re just as good or not as good or better it doesn’t matter I still ge this feeling inside of anxiety and jealousy and shame and doubt it makes it impossible for me to be happy for them but I want to be I am supportive to my friends and family on the outside because I don’t want do hurt anyone or make them feel how I do but I don’t know Sincerely, The black sheep scapegoat Edits: -how do I stop needing so much validation for everything I do? -how do I stop engaging in self destructive behaviors? -how do I just ask for what I want without feeling like I need to make up an excuse or lie in order for my needs to be valid? -how do I stop wanting to be better than everyone else so I am not rejected ever again? -how do I not care if I’m rejected?

Sometimes I notice my intrusive thoughts cause me to spiral and sometimes not. I've been practicing ERP for quite a while so it's a bit easier for me to not spiral. But I wonder why that happens. Does anyone else have it? Also I'm on medication idk if that plays a role.

PLSSS READ!!! TW: Hi. I’m not diagnosed with OCD, but I wanted to say that I have been wondering if I am. I’m not on here looking for a diagnosis. But 4 months ago I tried an edible for the first time and had a terrible experience. I was feeling like I wasn’t in the same dimension or anything. I was scared I wasn’t in control of myself and I thought I might hurt my friends. (I didn’t) but it was awful. That led to agoraphobia, and harm intrusive thoughts. I started sertraline but that had me so emotional and caused SI. So I decided to stop. Shortly after that I started experiencing panic attacks and DPDR. At first it was just the dp now I just feel like nothing around me is real, like everything is a figment of my imagination or fake. It’s super scary because there is a battle going back in forth in my mind all day about being real or not. One I try actively not to engage in. But it just takes that one thought to snag on to something I really care about like my mom being real or anything. I still experience intrusive thoughts but they are not as loud. The logic side and the irrational side of my brain bicker all day and then I’m like what should I listen to. There is this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach when I have the thought that nothing is real especially my mom. Then recently I’ve started to fear I’m hallucinating or schizophrenic. Or that maybe my mind is here but my body is else where doing something horrible. This is so hard to explain to family and friends. I am just drained. Insurance is off right now and NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance. I’m talking to a counselor and my therapist before the insurance got cut off practiced cbt with me and I was about to start a dbt program. But I guess I’m just so lost. Like I’m scared for when insurance comes back on to get a diagnosis because if it is OCD I’ve had it for all this time and haven’t know I guess? And I do a lot of mental checking but not physical. So idk it’s confusing it’s hard to feel like I could live a full life like this. most people make it seem like they can’t be happy and get married, etc with OCD. I’m terrified to find out if I have it or not and I’m not sure how to manage anymore. If you take medicine and have OCD or painful rumination does it help? I’m really scared to try again because I don’t want to feel how I did before and have to stop. I’m terrified. I’m also a Christian so I’m trying so hard to trust God didn’t bring me this far to leave me just because of one edible! But I’m miserable!! Thanks if you read to the end

I get asked about the name NOCD a lot. People might want to know how it’s pronounced, and they’re curious about our story. Every time, I’m excited to share a bit about what the name means—in fact, it’s an opportunity for me to talk about something everyone should know about OCD. First things first: it’s pronounced “No-CD.” And it actually means a couple things, both central to our mission: To restore hope for people with OCD through better awareness and treatment. The first meaning of our name is about awareness: Know OCD. Though we’ve come a long way, not enough people truly know what OCD is or what it’s like. How many times have you heard someone say “Don’t be so OCD about that,” or “I wish I had a little OCD. My car is a mess!” Things like that may seem innocent, but they trivialize the condition and keep most people with OCD—around 8 million in the US alone—from getting the help they need. The second meaning of NOCD is about treatment: No-CD. To go a bit deeper: Say “No” to the compulsive disorder. On one level, this is also related to knowing OCD—noto means “to know” in Latin. This inspired the name NOTO, the operations and technology infrastructure that powers NOCD the way an engine powers a vehicle. But this meaning goes even further. It has to do with how you can manage OCD symptoms—learning to resist compulsions. This is the foundation of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most effective, evidence-based form of treatment for OCD. Learning how to resist compulsions with ERP changed my life, and it taught me how important it is to get treatment from a specialty-trained therapist who truly understands how OCD works. I’ll give you an example. When I was 20, my life was going according to plan. I was thriving on the field as a college quarterback, doing well in school, even winning awards—until OCD struck out of nowhere. I started having taboo intrusive thoughts, things that horrified me and went against my core values and beliefs. Desperate for help, I saw several different therapists—but no one diagnosed me with OCD. At one point, I was instructed to snap a rubber band against my wrist whenever I had an intrusive thought. It was supposed to stop the thoughts, but it only made my symptoms worse. Driven into severe depression, I had to put my entire life on pause. Once I started ERP with a therapist who understood OCD, I learned why: you can’t stop intrusive thoughts from occurring. Everyone has them—and the more you try to get rid of them, the worse they get. Anything you do to suppress them is actually a compulsion, whether it’s counting in your head, snapping a rubber band against your wrist, or using substances to drown the thoughts out. To get better, you have to learn to resist compulsions and accept uncertainty. OCD doesn’t get to decide how you live your life. How do you educate the people in your life about OCD? Whether friends, family, or strangers, I’d love to hear how you share your understanding and raise awareness about OCD.

I always wake up full of dread and fear. My anxiety is through the roof two seconds after I open my eyes. Someone on this app gave me a similar insight once I believe. But I think anxiety is just the urge to ruminate. About what? It probably doesn’t matter, as long as I can torture myself, as OCD loves. Does anyone else relate to this or agree maybe?

I come on here and I see everyone’s situation with OCD and I feel so bad for everyone dealing with this because I know like people don’t deserve this but I feel like if you guys were to know about my actual situation you guys are probably tell me I’m doing this to myself because I feel like I’m definitely the exception Here like it’s getting into a poem. I’m just like I don’t think OCD gets this realistic.

Idk my brain is like “you’re only staying with your bf so you can suppress your feelings cuz you’re too scared to be a lesbian/trans” I just want to be a bi woman leave me and my bf alone I was so happy before. Now I feel a weird anxiety in my chest and idk if it’s good anxiety. My friends and I joked about me getting married to him one day and I didn’t feel butterflies I didn’t get all teary eyed thinking about it then I got in my head “oh god am I a lesbian? Am I trans? Do I want a white dress moment?” But I think I’m not excited cuz we aren’t there yet. And I know myself. I’m gonna be anxious as all hell, ROCD or not, about this wedding going off without a hitch cuz im a perfectionist. Part of me worries that my perfectionism is me suppressing myself I’m worried I’m forcing myself to stay. I’m worried I wanna take a break. Im worried if we do take a break everything will come true cuz I can finally “express myself” but I can express myself here. But the ocd is making it feel like im not or can’t? If that makes sense? Like im worried im not fully being myself and yeah there are definitely things I don’t talk about with him (like RUPAUL’s drag race, he’s not a fan, I kinda am). It’s not out of fear of him hating me it’s just not smtjn we talk about. Idk now im worried it’s not ocd and km actually in a restrictive relationship but im not. I don’t feel a lick of anxiety around any of this tho. What does that mean.

These thought make me doubt my self so much it makes me think that the thoughts are real and it’s not my ocd I just want to be my old self I didn’t think about anything I can’t looks at the same gender because then my brain tells me I like them. But I just don’t want to lose my girlfriend I love her so much she’s the one who cures my ocd when am with her I don’t think about anything

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those secual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself allover again Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD?

So lately I have been doing better. I’ve been generally happier and not having constant debilitating thoughts. But they’re STILL there. I’m trying not to let myself spiral but my brain is still putting these thoughts in my head and now I’m just like why??? I haven’t been anxious with them, I haven’t given them meaning so what is it then? Does it take a while to truly feel back to yourself?

My ocd goes in roller coasters and the past 2 months the thoughts have been getting so much worse than they ever have. This week has been so difficult and it sucks because I'm missing so many good moments because I can't get out of my head. I feel constant guilt, shame, and regret. I just wish I could shut my brain off. I really thought I healed and it's so disheartening realizing I haven't yet

Any advice? btw I’m 14 :) I feel so useless I want to give my dog The best life I can and I want to spend lots of time with him because he’s my best friend but Its so hard because of my OCD, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to give him long walks everyday or even a walk but my OCD makes it hard for me to do that, I cant even go outside without holding on to someone but I still have compulsions even doing that. Its so tiring and I just want to look after him better but I cant even look after myself, I don’t eat,drink,sleep enough, and my hygine is not that good I feel so gross sometimes but I don’t know what to or how to look after myself, I dont know if anyone would tell me to give him to a better family but I can’t do that I have had my dog since he was 2 months and hes nearly 7. And life would be harder without him, I want to do everything with him since my family doesn’t care as much about him and calls him stupid but I think thats just because they can be very moody because they feel stressed, I wanted to also give my dog a healthy diet but my family acted as if that was a silly thing to do, I want to give him more attention and my OCD has had too much control over me for 3-4 years now, I was supposed to write a message asking how I can be a better best friend & owner to my dog while dealing with OCD but i Just noticed that I wrote too many “I” but this isnt all about me am I selfish? I feel like theres more to say but I can’t explain anything

how do you forgive yourself when you’ve made really bad mistakes as a child and some now? I’m having a hard time feeling like I deserve to get better and be treated for OCD. I have thoughts that what if it’s not OCD and I need to be treated for something much worse. The mistakes I made when I was younger I consider morally wrong, and the ones I made recently I sortve consider but it was fueled by OCD and not a direct harm I guess just crossed my own moral boundaries. I believe deep down I am a good person, there’s a lot that proves that, but there’s a lot that says otherwise. I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t shake this feeling. I also have this weird thing with feeling like my mistakes fall under a “extreme” category, like think about a prison and how the really bad sickos are all together, my brain tells me I fall under THAT.. and belong there. I just want a normal life, whether that’s a family or me just being happy on my own. But I feel like I can’t…. I’m so young!! Why me :( I feel so gross and like a fraud 24/7, and that I can’t even have friends or a partner because I would need to tell them eevery mistake I made and let them decide from there. I feel like my OCD case is so much weirder than others but idk. If you read this thank you!

a few minutes before as soon as i woke up i had an urgent scary thought that i resonated with: "trigggers are inherently attractive on their own regardless of the fact that you perceive them as such or not" and as a proof my mind brought back a memory of me when i saw a bottom and was staring it without knowing that it belonged probably to a trigger, (but that doesnt prove the thought because as soon as I realised the possibility that it belonged to a trigger i felt urgency and worry and an immense spike of distress) and it hit me immediately, as if it was true, like i believed it and a part of me agreed with that thought. and that thought was automatically accompanied by this image of a like some inappropriate area like legs or something like that that was meant to be perceived attractive or sensual inherently (maybe because it was on purpose?), and I feel like i perceived it as attractive even though i dont want that now, but im afraid because it felt like in that split moment i saw that body part and felt like it was attractive and perceived it as such egosyntonically in relation to that thought beforehand... and after that i felt a lot distress and i was bothered by the fact that all of this happened, the reason im writing this. obviously i dont want that to be true, i don't know, i know rationally that im not attracted, but im proved counterwise by the fact that in that moment when i woke up i believed that thought and felt like it was agreeable plus that automatic accompanied image of something inappropriate belonging to a trigger being perceived as attractive... that's what worries me most, i cant explain it, i don't even remember what i exactly imagined but it disturbs me that i perceived that image and produced the inappropriate aura of it. it messes me up. mind you i just had woke up and my perception of reality was skewed, and my awareness of things was all over the places, i dont know if that matters. it was a short train of thought... i dont know if the image itself was just ocd, but it bothers me a lot, the fact itself that i perceived egosyntonically or egodystonically an inappropriate area as attractive in order to accomodate and representate that thought.

Please i really need help ,i feel really really scared I struggle a lot with ZOCD ,i have for months now and i have 2 cats who i adore very much. But it happens to me that i can't be near them because i get scared i want them to do something gross and disturbing to me Yesterday i was talking with my mom and My cat wanted me to pet her and well she licked my leg close to the tome and then went a bit higher of my leg and licked it I feel extremely scared and uncomfortable and started having really awful intrusive thoughts that Made me so scared,i froze and felt guilty bc i felt like if something more awful happened would i have stopped her??? Now this morning i'm sitting next to the table taking breakfast and my other cat wants to get on my lap,i was with my legs crossed and i felt like he was getting to close to my leg I felt like i'm not sure but like i froze again and felt like weird It felt like i was questioning if i wanted something awful to happen and i didnt stop him again and felt so guilty Then he got on my lap and i just hug him and pet him ,i knew i wouldnt make him do something disturbing but i felt scared he would and i would let him Because it felt like i didnt feel fear and i was questioning myself in the moment. Has anyone else experienced this i'm sorry it's too long i would like to know what to do and if this is I GUESS NORMAL IN OCD I MEAN

So, back when i was 18, i got involved in an online art/rpg community through instagram. We would make characters, draw them, join group chats and talk about our characters interacting with each other- if was chaotic, but fun, and i got hooked. Eventually, as the group kept growing, people started making different discord servers, each surrounding different stories with over-arching plots, and everybody would develop their characters and have them interact. Imagine a mix between DnD and a collaborative novel. I started dealing with severe OCD when i was about 19, in the depths of quarantine, and these servers became an escape for me. There was one in particular that was very involved lore-wise, and i was very deeply invested in because one of my characters had a romantic arc with one of the server hosts characters. It wasn’t until i started dealing with POCD when i began to have issues with the server. The issues begin with the fact that the age range of people on the server was very wide, ranging from high school to college aged. I believe the youngest person in the server was about 13, but i didn’t interact with her much. I was homeschooled and i have younger siblings, so i’ve never had a problem with having younger friends- growing up, i had a best friend who was 2 years older than me, and through high school until just recently, my best friend was 2 years younger. That friend was actually in this art community as well, i got her involved during quarantine. The point being, i never even considered that having younger friends might come off as creepy. There were definitely inappropriate jokes being made in the server, but i tended to roll my eyes and brush them off. As far as i recall, i never made any myself- i didn’t even dare to start swearing until i was 21, i’ve always been a bit of a rule-follower- but my best friend did make suggestive jokes on occasion, and i would laugh, and now i worry that i goaded her on. There was one specific occasion where the two of us, along with a few other people- i don’t remember all of them, but one was my age, 19, and another would have been about 16 at the time- ended up in a separate discord chat, and they were all cracking jokes about creepy discord mods, calling each other “kitten” and being generally icky for the shock factor. I remember being very uncomfortable at the jokes being made, and i believe i even said so, but in a lighthearted “omg stop” way, when i should have just left. There were a few similar instances where people got a little too comfortable, and i just put up with it and laughed along instead of leaving, which i very much regret. The community eventually started to fall apart. Drama between members was the main reason- the server owner called another adult member out, saying some of her characters had ships with characters belonging to minors that were too explicit. This whole thing was shocking to me. i talked to both of them, considered them both my friends, and didn’t know what to believe. Looking back now, i very much think they were both in the wrong- the server had a “NSFW” art channel that you needed a special role to access, but the owner had set the age requirement to 17 instead of 18 because a younger member whom she was close with had asked her to. I believe i was told this secondhand by my best friend, who always knew more drama than me, and i had marked it as strange, but shrugged it off because it wasn’t my friendship, and i wasn’t in charge. I also have a tendency to trust the judgement of literally anyone else over myself, so if i did have any doubts, i would have brushed it off as my overthinking things. The server died eventually- the owner disappeared, so the plot couldn’t progress further, and i’m pretty sure there was a lot more drama going on that i wasn’t privy to, which is fine by me. I was in therapy while a lot of this was going down, so i told my therapist a lot of it- at the time one of my main concern was another adult member about my age who had gotten too comfortable making sexual jokes with one of the high schoolers, and i did eventually message him and ask him to be more mindful- he did agree that he had been out of line and promised to be more careful in the future. It’s been about 3 years now since i left the community- i still keep in contact with a couple people, but i’ve parted ways with the majority. However, i’m still absolutely wracked with guilt over the entire thing- i was friends with some of the minors, too. There was one friend, 3 years younger than me, whose character was going to have a romantic arc with one of mine at one point. I remember warning them that my character was asexual as a way of warding off any weirdness, and i think they might have made some joke back about their character “not having time for that anyway” though i can’t clearly recall. They also really liked one of my other characters at one point, and would make flirty comments about them- i can’t remember what i said in response, probably some form of “they’re flattered”. I worry so much that i might have encouraged it, and that makes me predatory. Most of my guilt comes from the fear that i’m guilty by association, that being there at all makes me a creep, that i should have said something sooner or just left. Another part of me doesn’t even fully believe that the server owner or the other girl she was fighting with were bad people- i was friends with them, we were in the same online spaces for years! It’s so stupid, but i genuinely compared my own behavior to theirs, used them as a measuring stick to make sure i wasn’t doing anything wrong when my OCD started raising alarm bells. To this day, i still can’t tell if i’m blowing things out of proportion. I know i need to be in therapy again- this has been weighing on me so heavily recently, making me feel nauseous and doomed for literal days at a time- but i could really use some outside perspective. That RPG used to be such a comforting form of escapism to me, but now just remembering it makes me feel vile.