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im about to give up. im struggling and nothing helps.i dont wanna be here anymore with these thoughts and fears.

I have been diagnosed with OCD for about 15 years now. I see a wonderful OCD specialist and she is sure that I have OCD but I just can’t help but wonder if I actually do or it’s something else and I just am lying to fit this description. Most of my life I struggled with contamination/viral fears. A lot of fear around throwing up. And for awhile I was panicked that I could be gay and not know it even though I’m not homophobic and no one would care. And now I am in the most healthy relationship I have ever been in and I obsessively doubt whether he loves me or not or if we’ll fall out of love or now that we’ve moved in together, we’re not compatible maybe or that we’ll end up like roommates and not love each other anymore. These thoughts feel AWFUL and he tries his best to support me but I don’t think he fully believes this is OCD. And that makes me panic and feel like my fears are right and that it’s something more and that I have a creepy obsession with him or that I’m wildly insecure (which is super scary to me idk why). My panic attacks from these thoughts get so bad and I don’t know how not to keep asking him for reassurance and I can tell he’s getting tired. And he goes to therapy with me and knows not to answer my questions so I take his lack of answers as confirmation of my fears and I freak out. We are both just barely over a year sober and he’s working so hard on his own stuff and after I panic about us, I feel extreme guilt that I’m roping him into this when he has bigger things to worry about and maybe I have to break up with him because I’ll hurt him. Then, that thought makes me panic and all I do is research and ask people questions and compare and idk I’m so lost and exhausted. I need help

I see a lot of people place a lot of do's and dont's on what someone with OCD will do regarding their urges. I wanted to share my story. Before I knew this was ocd, when I would have a sudden intrusive sexual image that was an extreme trigger, I would feel the most extreme anxiety, fight or flight of my life. I felt like I was choking and having a panic attack, feeling like i was going to collapse and vomit. I felt like I was convinced this must be a real buried desire of mine, and that the only way to sate it was to give in. I felt like the only way to end the anxiety was to get off to it, like a bottled emotion that wasnt going to get better. It was really ineffective, the novelty would wear off and id just be disinterested. But being a porn addict, id just go down a rabbithole of more wild stuff until it was over. Id have another panic attack after, and id be in a depressive episode for a week. Eventually i felt like the reason it wasnt working was because I wasnt fully accepting it, defeated, I tried letting myself do it and tried loving myself for it. It ended up just being another compulsion, temporary relief for "finding the answer", then id lose interest and feel uncomfortable. Going right back to where i started. One thing i knew, is that if i resisted the urge, the feelings would fade within minutes, and if i thought about the trigger afterwards, I wouldnt feel a thing. After not acting on these urges, I had a 7 month period free from the ocd, no thoughts no urges, the whole thing just seemed silly in retrospect. I was extremely happy aboutnit, until having a fight with a friend caused me to relapse from the stress. I was in that viscious cycle for 3 years without knowing what it was. People like to act very black and white about whats ocd and what is denial, and I can understand why, part of me is afraid people will tell me im in denial too. But i believe personally that people will be driven to all kinds of desperate acts in attempts to find any kind of meaning or relief from the absolute hell OCD throws you in. I tried to open my heart and accept what ocd was telling me, and it didnt make me happy nor solve anything, it just perpetuated the cycle. I feel better understanding the root of these urges and not acting on them, and Ive seen real progress, but I made this post today to try to bridge the feeling of isolation i get having made the mistakes I have trying to figure out OCD.

I used to believe there is no recovering from this disorder, I used to believe every thought and feeling that is true. I started to challenge every thing by calling its bluff by leaning towards uncertainty. It’s terrifying and it’s not easy. I promise you the reward is the best. Because you’ll start to realize we’ll shoot man it’s not so bad maybe this could happen maybe it won’t, either way I’ll always be me and I’m loved. Live your lives the way you wish ! 🖤🕺🏼 I believe every single one of you are more than capable of defeating the beast (OCD) let’s do this together 💪🏻

questioning everything. I’m having a good mental health day and wondering if I even have OCD. for context, the diagnosis is quite new for me still and as far as I know, I’ve only struggled with real event/false memory OCD with no physical compulsion, just mental review, reassurance seeking, and confessions. I am starting to feel like maybe i just went a little crazy for the last few months but am better now? I know one good day isn’t enough proof of anything but I just feel like I’m questioning it all now, especially because I don’t deal with any of the “typical” OCD themes/compulsions

I'm 17 and I was just wondering if it's OCD to think all of a sudden ' promise ok your pets life to go from one room to another within 30 seconds.' I used to be really scared and in Hinduism materialistic things (anything from sound sight touch taste smell etc) are ignoranve distracting you from god so I thought that by giving up things like not having chocolate for a day, not listening to music, etc I would be making 'sacrificws' to keep my rabbits alive. But then I started thinking things like 'promise on your rabbits life to eat this sweet for example' even if initially I was avoiding it because pleasures from taste are igorance. But now I keep getting it many times a day 'promise on your rabbits life to do this, do that, etc.' it's really interfering with studying and I have an offer for med school 🙏 but I'm not sure I'll be able to go

I’ve been drowning lately, and in addition, my father passed away. Everything is coming back, it’s like my therapy has been reversed to day one. All the thoughts are back, and the guilt accompanies them. The real events tied to the theme haunt me and swallow me up in guilt. I feel evil, and my partner of several years deserves to know what I’ve done. But, if she knew, it would be the end of our relationship. I know this for a fact. My actions as both a teenager and young adult are enough to ensure that. If it was just the intrusive thoughts, I could cope. But the real guilt, it thickens around my bones as rigid as mud in the Red River Valley.

Im going crazy, my brain wants me to be morally perfect. I cant have bad thoughts otherwise im afraid i will send out some bad energy to people I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years and my ocd is hyperfixating on him, everything I do is connected to him and i’m so afraid Also its solar eclipse and that’s stressing me out because of all the energy Also there are a lot of small things going wrong And im just freaking out, my ocd is going through the roof i cant stop it, im afraid of everything Im punishing myself, i cant say certain words of i cant say thing I want to say, i cant do things i want to do, i want to cry but my tears are not coming

I'm stuck. My compulsions always centered around expelling all anxiety from myself, but now I've found something external that can't be neutralised - completely ego-dystonic centered around the most horrific thing I've encountered in my life and the thought that someone could know I had watched it and thought I was genuinely into it sexually. I always clung to this idea that I could expel enough anxiety that it wasn't bothering me. Wouldn't be perfect, but I could at least get rid of it enough to function well. But this has knocked me down completely: This is a thought that will always cause me anxiety anytime I think it, every social situation, every day at work is a ticking time bomb where I feel I have to avoid it. There's positives. I've learned a lot about my compulsions around perfectionism socially. After the anxiety passes I'm still confident, I'm still funny, it doesn't affect my personality. I know it isn't me. But I can't laugh off the subject matter like I would normally do, and no matter what I do I will always be able to think something that causes me anxiety on this. And when it does, my anxiety slaughters me. It throws me cognitively, if I've eaten anything, I get to taste it twice; that happened yesterday - Thankfully I have a great relationship with my manager and team leader so could convince them to keep it between us and keep working but the moment you feel your stomach go and the saliva starts to come, it's coming up whether you want it or not. The anxiety spike hits me when I wake up in the night, stopping me sleeping. When I'm enjoying myself 'too much, it brings it up to put me in my place. When I go to the gym or out with friends, the fear of the anxiety hits me. It's actually not even the situation anymore, it's the anxiety about the anxiety. But I've watched myself slide backwards from all the incredible progress I've made. I've made mistake after mistake feeding compulsions I never should've done, all the time working towards a different compulsion that I thought would magically fix all this. That's the most insidious thing about OCD. The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. I've never had this before. Never something external that can't be resolved. I can't sleep much. Can't eat a lot. Watching my muscle mass deteriorate. What if it happens on a date? What if it happens in an interview? Why this? Why did my OCD latch on to something this disgusting (That one probably answers itself actually haha). Either this helps me finally realise that not all thoughts are meant to be resolved, reveals more about the OCD and helps me improve. Or it doesn't. Anyone had anything like this? A period of sustained downhill with the OCD that you pulled out of? Something external that you couldn't ever get confirmation of, but helped you in the end? Maybe didn't, but you still soldiered on anyway. Just looking for a little optimism tbh.

I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore, everyone else in my life just knows whether or not they’re a bad person and what they’re attracted to, I’m on medication and whilst that helps with the anxiety I’m never going to feel certain that I’m not a bad person so what’s the point in it anymore - I’ve been suffering for years and I just want it to stop. I genuinely don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for besides the people I love.

Sometimes i worry that i dont really have ocd or any mental illness and that im just tryna victimize myself. Ive been commenting on so many peoples posts since i got this app (today) but im worried that its because of my ego, thinking i know everything or that “im such a good person cus i wanna help people”. Sometimes i convince myself my suffering is deserved. I dont think it is but i wonder if thats just me being self serving. Like everyone has a bad side right?? Why do i suppress mine so bad does that mean im secretly horrible?

i just went through something and really feel like someone needs to hear this and not feel alone. i was going through some sort of panic/anxiety attack where i felt like i wasn’t myself in a way. it completely came out of nowhere and felt like it was based off of nothing. i felt not in control with my obsessions and no matter what i did to distract myself, i felt just off and awful. i was spiraling with my feelings and my thoughts that were adding even more distress. honestly, it felt like it was never going to end. i can only really remember 2 other times within the last year that i’ve felt this way. but i want you to know, IT WILL PASS. i know it feels so shitty in the moment, feeling like absolutely nothing or no one can alleviate the panic, anxiety, thoughts, confusion, emotions, and so on. but i’m finally seeing the other side of it and feeling like myself again. while i never really feel 100% anymore, i see more light than i did in that moment. you are so so so loved and understood by this community. never feel afraid to speak about these difficult times and allow people talk you through it.

How do you improve on Self Esteem when you are disgusted with yourself because of your intrusive thoughts?!?!

Does anyone ever worry that they’re inherently a bad person just waiting to do something horrific?

Does anyone else ever question if/doubt that their feelings are real? I've been doing that near constantly for a long time now, and it causes a LOT of distress (at least I THINK it's distress). Lately when I feel spiritual and read my scriptures, pray, or watch a religious message, or get the urge to, my brain says, "What if you're only doing this out of compulsion, not cuz you really want to?? What if your spiritual feelings are fake?" It hurts a lot to feel that way. Years ago my OCD was causing me to do insane scrupulous rituals, and in the aftermath, my concept of OCD rituals and healthy, spiritually uplifting rituals got crossed. :/ Like, "Is that the Holy Ghost or are you just being mentally ill again?" There are other feelings that my brains doubts, but spiritual ones are the most distressing.

I have had an unhealthy obsession with my private instructor for French horn for about two years. I know that I don’t love him romantically but my thoughts will tell me that no one could ever love someone this much without it being romantic. I have never told him how I feel because that would be super weird and I know he does not like talking about personal stuff with his students. I am pretty sure he has an idea of how I feel but I am scared that he thinks that I have a crush on him. I think the biggest problem with this obsession is that everything he does, whether it is directed towards me or not, whether it is something big or insignificant, it affects my emotional well being even though I do not want it to. I hate that he has so much control over me. If he laughs at a joke that I am not a part of my brain tells me that he hates me and he does not find me funny and never will. If he talks to someone I know he hates then I want to protect him by telling that person to go away or else I will hurt them. If he says something and his tone is even slightly different from usual then I think he hates me and he is just lying to me when he compliments me to make me feel better because he pities me. If he cancels a lesson because of something he can not reschedule I assume he is coming up with an excuse to avoid me because I am a bad person and he does not want to be around someone like me. If I do not see him on a day I expect to see him on then I will totally fall apart and will obsess even more over him until I see him next. This has happened with other platonic relationships in the past, but they have never been this extreme or lasted more than a few months. Soon I will leave to go to college and I am afraid that if I do not get to stay on my schedule of seeing him Tuesdays and Wednesdays then I will attempt like I have before. It is just so draining and I wish I knew why my brain chose him and why I can not stop thinking these things.

So someone I know has just been through a major life event thats change then massively. They told me personally and I will never ever tell anyone their business if they don’t want anyone to know, that’s our secret. But we broke up and people have asked why, so I’ve never told them what happened in their personal life or what they went through or what the event was, I always said it was just their personal life they went through something and I will always understand why right now isn’t the time for us, but now I’m scared this is me starting rumours! I haven’t told them an event, I haven’t told them what’s happened, I’ve just said it’s their life and personal to them is all. It’s not my stuff to talk about, I can’t share someone’s secrets, that’s not right. But when people wanna know why we’ve broken up it was a mutual decision because they’ve been through a rough time! Is that right to say? Or wrong? Because I’m shouting at myself that’s it’s bad right now, it’s not starting rumours nobody knows expect my closest friends that it’s a personal something for him. No details, no need to share that, it’s not my business yk. But the reason is because he’s not ready, he’s changed, that’s it. I feel wrong for saying that now. Ugh my brain always shouts at me

Is it reassurance if I tell myself “if it happened the way you think it did then you would have remembered it without a doubt” the first part of my memory is real and when I first thought of it there was a feeling of shame attached. Now I’m been wondering if more happened or if i’m choosing to forget the horrible parts but I feel like if more happened then there would be shame attached to that too therefore i’d remember it.

So I’ve been dealing with this one thought for a while and I get ashamed that i had it for such a long time and it won't go away no matter how much i try. I've tried ignoring it, accepting it, letting it go, etc. Everytime I try to accept it my stomach tightens and I feel like throwing up. Does anyone have any advice?

Does ocd put these types of thoughts in your head about anyone that’s even remotely attractive… stuff like “they look good or would look good naked” and puts images there of them people like I don’t want to think this stuff it makes me feel actually disgusting. Especially when it’s saying it about people from my past I don’t want to think this stuff at all. I hate this illness. How am I meant to ignore these thoughts I feel horrible I love my boyfriend so much