I cant take this

You gotta take a deep breath and look at the reality! I know is easier said than done but I been where you have been before . You just gotta remember is ocd and let those feelings sit and do something you enjoy , eventually those feelings will go away and keep doing that and it will get easier . You gotta train your brain that those “ocd rules “ aren’t real and that there isn’t danger. I been doing that for 4 months now and I feel better is was really hard but it was worth it !! I promise you . Also read the book rewire your ocd brain it definitely helped .

Moral perfection is something I also struggle with a lot, it’s such an intense spiralling feeling cause for the most part we are incapable of stopping every mistake we may commit or stand around for. Guilt and shame when we catch ourselves lying- thinking bad thoughts- trying not to beat ourselves for those thoughts as “justice” I am not spiritual so I’m not sure how to help with the eclipse or the energy of people. But I can say that, you have the strength to show yourself the same mercy/kindness you would with others. You just have to actively remind yourself. Treat yourself like a friend and not as an alien other you must punish.

The basic principles are this: 1.) You ignore the bad thoughts without trying to fix them or fight them. You just let them rattle around in your head screaming at you. But don’t try to fix them or push them away.

2.) Let yourself experience the anxiety that comes when you don’t try to fix the thoughts. You are going to feel like you were giving bad energy to people. Your brain is going to tell you that you’re hurting people. It’s going to scream at you to do something to mitigate your thoughts. But you can’t try to fix the thoughts. You have to sit there and just let yourself be anxious about it. After a period of time, the anxiety should go down (but it’s okay if it doesn’t). The more we practice this technique, the easier it gets:):):)

Resist all temptation to punish yourself. This is most likely a compulsion that you do in order to try to fix the bad thoughts. Remember, we don’t do anything to fix the bad thoughts. Nothing. We just let them sit there. This causes anxiety for a time. But after a while, your brain gets used to it and the anxiety diminishes. This is ERP in a nutshell. A really good therapist should walk you through this with the results that 1) You start saying everything you want to say 2) You start doing everything you want to do 3) You start living your life the way you want. You may still FEEL uncomfortable and anxious, especially at first. To be honest, I still FEEL uncomfortable every day. But feelings don’t matter that much. You want to get to a point where your ACTIONS are such that you do whatever you want to do every day (or at least you are working toward that goal).

I have been where you are also. Afraid to say things, afraid to do things. Afraid something really bad will happen to me or other people if I say or do the wrong things. ERP might be able to fix this for you. I’ll explain more…

I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. Being morally perfect, or any kind of perfect is IMPOSSIBLE. I think it's making nice with our bad thoughts that we learn how ridiculous our thoughts really are. What kind of things does your mind do to hyper fixate on him. Even if you are aware of those thoughts, you are more able to quickly recognize those thoughts and discount them. I can't imagine how tough it would be to end a 10 year relationship. I find that saying the words "It's okay." creates tears PRETTY easily, lol. Keep your head up! Good things will come out of the pain and confusion you are feeling.