Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Sometimes my brain spells out everything I see without me wanting it too

I’m worried that i will start believing the thoughts or act on them if I stop proving them wrong or fighting them. My life is like a loop now, I always get intrusive thoughts no matter what and all i do is ruminate and check how i feel about stuff so i’m not even a person of my own i’m just my ocd.. Any advice? 😰

I’ve been dealing with OCD for awhile now and finally feel like I’m taking my life back for the most part. Besides now having bad dreams that seem to fit with my thoughts. I’m not looking for any reassurance. In fact I’d appreciate it if anyone that sees this doesn’t reassure me. I was doing therapy here on NOCD for a couple months until I found out my therapist is no longer with NOCD. So now I’m stuck waiting for a transfer with zero guidance and all of this is still new to me. But recently everything is feeling a little too real for me. When I have a thought it feels like I like the thought. It scares me because I feel like I’m trying to hold back a smile. However it seems to pass pretty quickly and I know I’m supposed to sit with the uncertainty and uncomfortable feelings for as long as I can but this recent stuff is a lot. I’m trying not to let all this eat away at me and just move on with my life but it’s hard. Most days it feels like I’m lying to myself or just trying to hide from the monster I really am by making excuses. I know it’s just a flare up but if anyone has any good advice I could really use some right now. I don’t know what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong. I’m sitting with it the best I can but it feels like I’m giving it too much space in my mind and on the other hand sometimes it feels like ignoring it is compulsive. I’ve been working a lot with mindfulness and turning my attention back to the present moment as many times as I need to and it helps for the most part. Please any advice would be appreciated.

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

I have the urge to jerk off to my intrusive thoughts (or I have the urge to jerk off when I have intrusive thoughts I can't tell) and it makes me feel awful... I makes me feel like I'm in denial and I want to crawl out of my skin. I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I need it. Does anyone else experience this?

I have a really awful event. One that required a lot of non-OCD related confessions to my gf. It happened 4 years ago. I don’t really consider any of my thoughts around this event to be OCD related, because it was actually THAT BAD, and I actually should feel the things I’m feeling. The problem that keeps coming up is my urge to confess more details. The thing I did wasn’t one event, but a series of awful events. My girlfriend doesn’t want to know anymore details. She says no matter how bad it is, she doesn’t want to know anymore. I keep getting memories of details that I’m worried would end our relationship if she knew. I’ve confessed so many awful details and she hasn’t left me yet, but there are so many genuinely terrible things that I thought, felt, intended, and acted on. With the thought that revealing a detail could end my relationship, how am I not supposed to confess? I feel like I am tricking her and she doesn’t understand the full extent of my depravity. When she looks at me with love I feel sick and unworthy. She doesn’t want me to confess anymore, my therapist doesn’t want me to confess anymore, and these memories are just sitting in my head, eating away at my soul. I feel so alone. I feel like most of you can probably guess the nature of what I did and might not appreciate me posting about it here. I’m sorry, I just need someone to talk to…

Feeling utterly hopeless at the moment 😔 I’ll have hours in a day where I’m able to resist compulsions and live a ‘normal’ life. Then one little thing will cause me to have a complete meltdown and be unable to function. I feel like I’m never going to get better

This feels new to me. Has anyone had their OCD almost make them feel like they can trust anything about themselves anymore? I am obsessing over these thoughts of doubts I’ve had recently and I’m feeling kinda down and sad about it. Any tips would be spread! This is new for me. My OCD has really kicked up the volume and trying new things on me.

I’m at Disney world with my family for ten days and I should be having a great time, but I’m just struggling almost every moment not to ruminate. I’m walking around parks talking to myself, trying to persuade myself not to ruminate. I’m standing in line ruminating. On rides. And I have no privacy to cry or clear my head because I’m sharing a room with my kids. I feel like I’m a problem. I’m constantly being triggered. Constantly anxious. I feel like such a burden to my family. Making us late for things because I’m hiding in the bathroom talking to myself. They must think I’m insane. I feel so broken and tired. I just want to be normal. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want to dread waking up. I want to be alone, but if I am alone I know I’m going to ruminate. I’m at lunch with my family and I’m trying not to cry.

Does anyone know of a church that is familiar with OCD? I am located in the US, Florida to be exact but I wasn’t sure if there were some that offered online if not local. I would really like to find a pastor who understands ocd. Any suggestions? It’s hard to listen to sermons about hearing God and other things when I hear from all kinds of competing voices in my head. If nothing else, I could use some prayers. In a spiral about whether the voice (internal) is as God or oCd as it relates to a huge job change and my family by extension

I’m always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, and it’s sapping the joy out of my good days. I’m just waiting for the next time the house needs a major repair, or I’m waiting for the next family member to die horribly (even though no one is sick right now). I’m waiting for the next time my relationship takes a dive due to miscommunication. I’m preventing myself from making art my career because I’m convinced I’ll just mess it up, or I’m convinced no one would pay actual money for something I’ve made. I won’t go back to school because I’m convinced I’ll fail again, or worse, I’ll be too focused on myself to take care of my family. I’m so sure that everyone I’m close with in my life secretly hates me, and I know it’s the OCD but some days I’m just waiting for them to tell me I’m right, or I’m waiting for them to all leave me. I know I’ve felt joy, love, and acceptance at one point in my life, but those warm feelings don’t reach my heart when I’m stuck waiting for the next moment life kicks the chair out from under me.

I haven’t posted on here for a while because things have been going great. When I say great I mean I haven’t had an episode for a while or anything but even though nothing happened I feel disconnected from the things I love and especially the people I love. I don’t know what to do. I feel like because of my ocd thoughts about the people I close to me I sort of disconnected emotionally from them and it’s making me feel horrible. Everything I say and do feels shallow and not genuine like if I truly loved them then my ocd wouldn’t have come between us.

I struggle with information and memory hoarding if that’s a thing. I very excessively buy books, I save interesting bits of information I come across online, I take an excessive amount of photos and screenshots and have tons of articles and info saved in a huge Google drive. I have many journals and logs. I back up things to multiple places, I save multiple versions of files I am working on, I record long notes after meetings, Doctors appointments and phone calls. I keep photos of all sorts of keepsake and nostalgia types items. I feel like I need to constantly archive all sorts of info. It takes up so much time and I have no sense of what’s actually important to keep, so I keep most things. Has anyone experienced this as an OCD theme? I don’t see much written about this anywhere. Other than books and journals, I don’t seem to hoard any other physical objects, but I have endless collections of digital content and files of all kinds. I have a lot of anxiety around losing valuable bits of info. For example,I just got diagnosed with OCD and I have already bought around 15 books on the topic (that I really can’t afford), have watched several documentaries and took notes, saved tons of articles and made playlists of tons of videos all of that I have read or watched over and over but I never feel like I have learned enough. I am not even sure what drives this. I would love to hear any similar experiences as I feel pretty alone in dealing with this.

It’s been about a month now since my OCD dramatically calmed down. The thoughts, urges and images still come at the same stampede-rate but the anxiety is gone, well for the most part it is. I get the occasional worry that it’s not OCD because there no anxiety to back up the things in my mind but even that little slice of the backdoor spike doesn’t stick around that long. I hope all of you can experience this semi-peace too if you’re not already. Love y’all!

Anyone have any tips for intrusive thought and ruminating. Hope everyone is doing good tonight. Keep fighting.

My compulsion is reassurance seeking and I seek it from my girlfriend. My intrusive thoughts are usually sexual and I can admit my ocd has latched on to her and came up with some pretty terrible things. It’s gotten to the point where she’s started to call me names when I’ve tried to seek reassurance. She gets angry that I’m even asking about certain things and calls me a “nasty person”. I don’t think she understands ocd but how could she if she’s never had to deal with it and my ocd is of the taboo nature? I just don’t know what to do. It’s ruining our relationship.

I’m deathly afraid of my SOOCD it has be frozen. I feel like I’m a fraud. Reading more about it it so scary but I identify if a lot of others who experience it. I’ve been in a spiral. The last few days have been so hard. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid to move forward with my life. It feels wrong when I’m so unsure / going through a terrible bout of OCD. I definitely have confession compulsions. I need to tell my husband every thought I have. I am afraid to talk to him about my SOOCD. I guess I’m afraid of rejection. He knows I struggle with OCD. But I don’t discuss content very much. I’m so afraid of him not loving me. I don’t want to lose us. I love us. I’m so afraid I’m in denial. I’ve been dealing with this for a few years. I don’t want to change my life 😭 I’m frozen. I know everything would turn out ok with whatever outcome but I’m so stuck in terror. I deeply don’t want this to be true. Please help. Ps I’m 27 and married to an amazing man. He’s my best friend. And I LOVE snuggling/kissing/cuddling with him. I’m so distraught.

i was wondering how long everyone has been experiencing ocd? lately i’ve been making myself believe that these thoughts and feelings should have gone away by now and because they’re not, there’s actually something wrong with me. like i feel like i can’t justify these thoughts as ocd anymore and really i’m just turning into a bad person.

How did others do after first getting diagnosed? Did the diagnosis cause you to spiral initially? It feels like all the symptoms have become so much worse since, maybe because I am noticing them and focusing on them. I have been stuck on looking back through my whole life but now through an OCD lens and it’s been incredibly overwhelming realizing how much OCD has impacted me my whole life. I had previously assumed all the symptoms were part of my having ADHD and Autism, but I am now realizing a lot of my struggling was actually OCD. I’m 45 and I was diagnosed with severe OCD a week ago. Tomorrow I start ERP and I’m quite anxious about it. I feel pretty unfixable at this point, but I’m trying to be hopeful. I have my doubts that I will be strong enough to do this.

How can you tell if a thought is ocd ??? What’s the difference