When Everything Feels Real Even Though I Don’t Want It

I live with OCD, including POCD, staring OCD, and obsessive fears around men who are emotionally or morally “off-limits” to me — for example, the boyfriends of close friends or other male authority or family figures. In one specific situation with my best friend’s boyfriend, my OCD felt almost identical to how POCD feels. Suddenly, I started noticing things about him that I found attractive. At the same time, an intense inner critic appeared, telling me that this was completely wrong and unacceptable. Almost as a counterreaction to that inner prohibition, another feeling showed up — one that felt almost defiant, as if my mind was saying, “Then maybe you actually want this.” That was extremely distressing, because rationally I know I don’t want him at all. Along with that came staring OCD. I became convinced that I was looking at him in a lustful or romantic way, even though that was never my intention. My attention automatically fixated on his body — his hands, his back, the fact that he is physically fit. I experienced intrusive impulses to touch him, brief groinal responses, and the overwhelming feeling that my body was reacting “against me.” It felt as if my body wanted something that I mentally and emotionally did not want. I was constantly monitoring myself: How am I looking at him? Where are my eyes? Did I look too long? Was that sexual? At the same time, I kept panicking and checking my best friend’s face, afraid she might notice something. At first, it actually felt manageable. I told myself that it’s okay to look at someone, that looking doesn’t mean anything, and I was able to function relatively normally in the situation. But the moment that obsessive “itch” in my head appeared — that sudden hyper-awareness — everything collapsed. From that point on, the internal battle took over. I’ve noticed similar feelings, very briefly, in other situations as well — for example, if my brother leans over me for a moment, or when I’m alone with my mother’s partner. It’s that alarm-like sensation of “Something could theoretically happen right now,” even though I absolutely do not want that. That contrast is what makes it so terrifying. A huge part of my suffering is shame. I often don’t know whether I should talk about these thoughts or keep them to myself. Part of me feels safer only if I confess or ask for reassurance. In one situation, I asked my best friend whether she had noticed that I was tense. She said that she noticed it, though others probably didn’t. That response hit me hard. After that, I avoided eye contact with her boyfriend almost completely. What makes OCD especially cruel in these moments is how real everything feels. The thoughts, the bodily sensations, the perceptions — all of it feels meaningful and intentional, even though it completely contradicts my values and what I actually want. It feels like my body is betraying me, even though I intellectually understand that this fear, hyper-focus, and self-monitoring are part of the OCD cycle itself.