Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m anxious about HIV. What if I get it? That’s a scary thought to me. And then I’m scared/worried about giving it to others, not knowing if I have it, etc.

>> Borderline Personality Disorder >> OCD (Suspected) - Pure, Perfectionism, Relationship, P, False Memory, Symmetry, Real Events, and Harm. >> Conversion Disorder >> Panic Disorder >> Major Depressive Disorder Recurrent >> PTSD >> Arthritis/Autoimmune Condition It is so exhausting.....

when im doing everyday stuff like brushing my teeth.when im finished i have to throw the toothbrush in the cabinet but i cant look at it after i thrown it i have to run away and my brain tells me if its in the right place and if it isn’t i have to go back and throw it again and again till i get it right which makes me late to lots of things especially school. i also have these quite triggering voices in my head all the time which say stuff like ‘if yu don’t throw this glass yu dad is going to die tomorrow and when i try to ignore the voices bad stuff happens and people die the only thing i can think of doing is ending my life to stop hurting others. it’s like im a monster and idk what i should do.

When I think back on bad memories or mistakes I've made when I was younger, I wish I could start all over again. Sometimes, it gets to a point where I'll start to imagine using a permanent solution. That bothers me even more, honestly. A year ago, I didn't think about these memories daily, weekly, or even monthly. If they did cross my mind, they didn't dictate who I am as a person, then or now. I've been trying really hard not to confess or research because I don't want to go back to that point in my life where it's all I did every single day. I don't want to end things. I'm just tired :(

does anyone else get flashbacks of things they’ve seen due to giving into their compulsion??? whenever i’m having a remotely normal time or having fun or thinking of making a big decision i have flashes of videos or pictures or just made up scenarios that are related to horrible things i’ve seen and compulsively watched and did stuff with. it immediately kills my mood and makes me ruminate about it and i think about it over and over. i find myself wondering if ocd drew me to do those things or if it was genuine attraction. what if im a horrible monster who’s into awful and illegal and morally wrong stuff??? what if im using ocd to cover it up and it’s not ocd it’s just i thing i was into??? these thoughts are never ending and show up at the worst times. i’m terrified all the time. it renders me sick & unable to make any decision because i’m afraid if i choose to do so it’ll make everybody aware of the things child me/young teenage me did. it feels like all my past traumas and experiences are being blasted on a jumbotron. i’m even scared to post this. again does anyone else know what i mean + does anyone know how to “get over” this feeling/any tips???

Have you ever felt the need to hide knives because you’re scared someone might hurt you while you’re sleeping? Or have your thoughts ever tried to convince you that you have feelings for your family members? Maybe you feel like you need to tell your parents to “drive safe” every time they go somewhere, believing that it will prevent them from crashing, or that something bad will happen if you don’t. These are things I’ve experienced, but they didn’t last long, and because of that, I’m unsure if I actually have OCD, as these thoughts don’t happen frequently. I’m 17, so maybe it’s still developing, but I’m not sure. At one point, I even thought I might be a psychopath and would become a serial killer (i was analyzing my past and feelings but it went away quickly) When I was a kid, I was also scared I had a tumor and constantly needed reassurance from my parents that everything is okay, but it wasn’t as intense. Recently, I’ve been scared that ghosts would come or that a demon would possess me, or that if i open my eyes i will se my dead uncle (i was 16😂) which kept me from sleeping. Are these signs of OCD? Should I consider getting treatment? About three months ago, I had my first big obsession about possibly having OCD itself (i was scared of going crazy, of feeling like this forever, of not being perfect, of not having control), and now I’ve been struggling with HOCD for three months. But I’m scared that I don’t even have OCD, and that these thoughts might be true. It’s funny because just a few months ago, I was terrified of having OCD, but now I feel like I want to have it. I think a traumatic experience with weed might have made my OCD worse, but I’m not sure. What do you think? I also found out that my mom is also hiding knifes and that she was also obsession over sickness…

I recently had a psychiatry appointment, and because of the amount of suicidal thoughts I have (which I believe are obsessions because of how anxious they make me), my dr. wants me to try taking lithium. Does anyone have any experience with this? It feels like a med that is for very severe mental illness, and it almost seems to reinforce the fact that I should be scared of my thoughts. The lithium seems like it could be more of a bandaid than a fix to my issues with SI, but I’m also at the point where I am terrified and exhausted of my own mind. Any thoughts or help is very appreciated :) thanks

I'm adding a trigger warning for those with Health OCD and Existential OCD, just to be safe! The past week, I've been experiencing a lot of déjà vu. I'll post something and immediately feel a strong sense of familiarity, like I've done it before. It's been happening so often, I'm questioning if I am actually repeating things and not noticing, but then there's obvious moments, like phoning my dad for help fixing my pc that can't be replicated. Then, just before writing this post, I'd been thinking about going on a walk, and I got déjà vu having that thought. After, I felt this strange impending doom? Like, if I go on the walk, I'm going to get kidnapped, or something bad is going to happen to me. I'm not sure what this is. I'm not super freaked out, just curious and keeping track of how often it's happening... I'm still going to go on that walk, though, because I feel like if I don't, it'll feed into this fear I have.

Prior to coming to college, I knew that I was having thoughts that other people weren’t having and that it controlled my actions or feelings of guilt in a way that I just couldn’t see in my friends but I ignored it. Since coming to college, my compulsions and stressful thoughts have gotten a lot harder to handle and my new friends have started pointing out that they think I have OCD. I’ll try to explain some of the reasons people have pointed out or I’ve noticed but at the end of the day I always question if I’m just doing these things for some sort of attention or something. I have this strong belief that when I’m walking on pavement, the amount of times that I start stepping on a tile with either my right or left foot have to match. And people always ask me if I’m just superstitious about stepping on the cracks but I don’t mind that as long as I make it match with my other foot. The problem is that whenever I’m unable to “make the tiles or cracks match” I feel like I’ve left some universal channel open and something extremely bad will happen to me in the next 24 hours (after that it resets). Sometimes it makes me look weird when I’m walking and it’s really embarrassing when people ask me about it and I can’t fully explain the concept to them. People generally just get confused and I feel like they just regret asking and think I’m weird. Once, when I was walking down the street with some of my friends, i ran out of tiles to make my steps even and totally FREAKED OUT. I got really anxious and I couldn’t stop bouncing my leg. One of the people I was with made me feel terrible about it when he said “wait that’s actually real?” So now my fears of faking OCD just because has become a bit more real to me since my friends don’t understand the full extent of how it makes me feel, even when they’re actively seeing me break down. Besides this, which is really the most inconvenient part of my potential OCD, there’s a multitude of other things I’ve noticed that show signs of it. Whenever I take a test, I have to be wearing at least 2 hairbands on my wrist and be wearing a sweater in order to do well. Numbers really matter a lot to me because they each have a different meaning and I’m scared of some of them. When I was little, and even now in other instances besides sleeping, I used to count how many times I rolled over before I fell asleep in fear that I would land on one of the bad numbers. For example, 1 would mean a serial killer was in my room, 3 would mean something would come out of the mirror, 4 would mean a doll came to life and was trying to murder me with a knife, etc. They all sound like stupid fears and are highly improbable but it used to feel very real to me. Now I still associate those numbers with the bad things but I’ve worked on trying to expose myself to certain numbers some nights and find some safe ones. Now the number 4 has changed in meaning and evolved into my worst fear, the zombie apocalypse. This all ties back to my tile crack issue because when I “leave the channel open” by making my steps uneven, the number I mess up at (ex: 4 tiles started on the right means I need to start the next four with my left) is the chaos that the channel will bring. Also, I constantly feel like a terrible person because I’m scared that I’m faking my sexuality even though I only like girls. I’ve been closeted for so long throughout high school that sometimes I feel like my current shame and fear of telling important people in my life (ie. parents, family friends, people who I feel are slightly homophobic) is a sign that I’m not like devoted enough to my sexuality – making me scared of calling myself a lesbian. I’ve also never been with a girl because I only recently came out at college and it fuels my rumination that I subconsciously must just be asexual or once again doing it for attention. I’ve tried dating guys to make my mom believe I wasn’t lesbian but kissing them or the thought of spending the rest of my life with a man always makes me literally cry. I go to Virginia Tech and the lack of an LGBTQ+ community here is making my coming out process and search for a true relationship extremely difficult and bleak. Whenever I see a girl I don’t find attractive (even though I see a bunch that I do) it scares me and makes me think I might not actually be lesbian even though I like girls. Idk what to even say about this it just sucks. There’s so much more that I can relate to based on the discussion board such as fears of accidentally having pdophelia and cheating on people I’m not even dating. But at this point I feel like I’ve already written an essay and I don’t even know where to start with the different types of OCD and where to seek a diagnosis. The hardest part about asking for help or guidance is the fact that I never attempted to get diagnosed, making it feel like I can’t even claim that I have it. Thanks for reading this, please write back if you can relate at all :)

Hello there. I’m new here and think I may have OCD I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. However, in my early teens, I started experiencing obsessive fears and engaging in compulsions because my brain convinced me that if I didn’t perform a certain action a specific number of times, it would “prove” that I wanted something terrible to happen. When I was 17, I began seeing a therapist and opened up to her about this. She diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and I accepted the diagnosis But last night, I became curious about whether people with GAD engage in compulsions and have specific fears, so I looked it up. I was shocked to learn that these are not typical characteristics of GAD Now, I would love to find a therapist who specializes in OCD so I can get a formal diagnosis and the appropriate treatment

i just installed this app so i dont really know what im doing, but if you see this please reply: do i have ocd? when i was younger, i believe i had ocd, due to me have to do things a certain number of times, for example when i got in a car i would have to tap the chair in front of me at least 4(or an even amount) times or else i was just feel..incomplete? i dont know the name for this feeling, but it is very stressful. there were many others things i had to do like this. then after awhile this symptom went away until this past 2 years, but it is much worse. i still do the thing where i have to do things a certain amount of times, but now i also am just really afraid of things being out of order, not necessarily messy, but in a place which i dont rmeber where it is, and i dont trust my self if i did something, for example shutting a door behind me, i have to look back like 3 times to make sure i actually did it even thought i definitely did, but i just have to make sure or else i have the feeling of being incomplete. sometimes i have to shut jt over and over again. i make sure i do these little things such as putting one coin in my pocket everyday and if i forget it so stressful to me to the point of tears and breakdowns. this stuff makes me extremly stressed and sometimes i have to go back to harming myself to relieve this feeling, which isnt good, but its like the only thing i can do to solve it. there are many more things that i do that i think is ocd but the paragraph already long so just please let me know if this is ocd?

Hi NOCD community. I am a U.S. citizen living abroad and have been struggling to find online therapy that could explore topics such as intrusive thoughts and compulsions. I am not officially diagnosed with OCD but have considered seeing a Psychologist for about 3 years now. However, a lot of the therapists on here are only in America or Canada. Has anyone experienced or found a way to seek online therapy abroad? Also, what did the process of getting diagnosed look like? I am not seeking to “have” OCD. I’ve only been curious because if it was something I’m diagnosed with, it would answer a lot of questions I have about myself and my intrusive thoughts. They can be debilitating and harmful and I’m wanting to seek help. If you have any information let me know! Thank you 💓

I’m on my period and o think my ocd feels a little worse today… I feel anxious and like something bad is about to happen, like I can’t move or talk cause I’ll freak out or snap and do something. Also I had a gronial response about an SA topic and I feel horrible, I’ve noticed that I do have these gronials as if I’m actually into that but idk if it can happen that you have the gronial and think “oh I’m horny, not about this but I am” is that possible? Idk how to say it… also I think I just want reassurance but I’m also scared…

Tw Tw Tw Tw Tw So obviously that person earlier has blocked me which whatever fine I think it’s the same person from months ago still seeking reassurance but I keep thinking I’m as bad as the person who caused them harm because I probably seemed callous and I’m basically saying oh well that … that stuff happened that person … I wasn’t trying to be rude but assuming it’s the same person they have been posting the same post under different accounts for months and we have all given advice and some people reassurance but it wasn’t good enough … so now I feel bad and I feel just as responsible as the person who hurt them … but at the same time it’s like they don’t want to get help in a sense… they blocked me after they said they couldn’t receive help but I mean there’s free hotlines out there … I mean I don’t know I just feel like trash and reassurance for myself won’t do crap but now I’m stuck in what if I pushed them over the edge

Things I did as a child really doesn’t help me with my socd. This is one of my main triggers because I actually did these things and I regret them to high heavens. Anyone else have this issue

NON-RELIGIOUS/AGNOSTIC PEOPLE ONLY i’ve been dealing with this same ocd theme for years and it gotta do with accidentally summoning something just by thinking about it and then something horrible happening to people in my life and celebrities i enjoy. and sometimes my ocd will throw this compulsion/intrusive thought at me which is maybe if i was christian or catholic or believed in jesus maybe this thought will go away. and obviously the way my ocd makes me feel like that’s the “right” answer to solve this issue makes me feel petrified. does anyone have any advice on how to relax my mind when it comes to this theme specifically???

Also I read on tik tok or twitter that if u still feel connected to younger people that means you’re not progressing or maturing and that’s bad. I’m 25 and I’m at this odd stage in my life where I’m getting older but still feel like I’m 20-22. I feel like I’m behind people that are my age. I think it’s because I’m been bed rotting with severe depression for the past 4 years… but I’m scared this means I’m becoming a pedo in the future.

There are times my harm ocd has me convinced that my feelings of self harm or suicide and harm are real and that any moment I could commit the act on myself or my family. Is there anyone who can chime in on this. I feel like all the time I want to leave run away or avoid my family because of these thoughts. Like I shouldn’t be around my children and I don’t trust myself.

You ever have a thought that stops you in your tracks? A thought so disturbing, so out of nowhere, that it makes you question everything about yourself? That’s how it started for me. A week after my grandfather passed away, I was lying in bed, thinking about him, when suddenly a thought hit me: What if I’m not a good person? What if I never get to see him again? My chest tightened, and my stomach dropped. More thoughts followed. What if I don’t go to heaven? What if he can see everything I’ve ever done? My entire body filled with fear, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know it then, but I was having my first panic attack. Desperate for relief, I grabbed my phone and played random YouTube videos until I passed out from exhaustion. From that night on, I became terrified of being alone with my thoughts. I had no idea why this was happening to me, but I knew one thing—bedtime would never feel the same again. For a while, I found ways to avoid the thoughts, but then a new one hit me like a truck. I was scrolling through the news when I saw an article about a father who had hurt his kids. My first thought was, That’s horrible. But then, my brain twisted it into something that made my blood run cold: What if I could do something like that? My stomach dropped. Why did I just think that? What does that mean about me? Am I dangerous? I tried to push it away, but the fear only grew. Being alone with my daughter became unbearable. I still took care of her, but I no longer trusted myself. I made up excuses so I wouldn’t have to be alone with her, and when my husband went to work, I spent the day in silent panic. My usual phone calls to my parents, once full of joy, became desperate cries for reassurance, though I couldn’t bring myself to tell them why. Eventually, I told my husband I was struggling with anxiety. He didn’t fully understand but suggested I work out to clear my mind. I remember getting on the treadmill and breaking down in tears, unable to run, unable to escape my thoughts. That night, I called my godfather, terrified of what he would say. But instead of judging me, he told me I needed to tell my husband everything. With all the courage I had, I did just that. My husband was confused but supportive, and soon after, I flew home to Illinois to be with my family. For the first time in weeks, I slept. But the relief didn’t last long. When my mom mentioned going back to work, I panicked. That’s when I finally told her everything. Wanting to help, she told me to pray, so I did—over and over. But instead of bringing peace, prayer became another compulsion, something I had to do to "fix" my thoughts. I was still drowning, desperate for answers, so I did what anyone would do—I Googled. Why am I having these thoughts? The results were unsettling. I kept reading, more and more terrified, thinking I might be going crazy. But then, I saw something that gave me a sense of relief: This sounds like OCD. I stared at the screen. That couldn’t be right. My brother has OCD, and his is about germs—this wasn’t the same. But the more I read, the more it started to click. That’s when I found NOCD. I made an appointment for the next day, and when I met my therapist, she told me she couldn’t officially diagnose me yet because we hadn’t finished all the assessments, but she was confident that I had OCD. At first, I didn’t believe her. OCD isn’t just about handwashing or being neat—it’s about intrusive thoughts that feel so real they shake you to your core. Therapy was terrifying at first. I had to sit with my worst fears instead of running from them. But the more I faced them, the weaker they became. After 11 weeks, I finally felt like myself again. One day, my entire family had to go back to work, leaving me alone with my daughter for the first time in months. The thoughts came: What if you hurt her while no one’s here? But instead of panicking, I used the non-engagement responses I’d learned in therapy. I would respond to the thought with something like, Maybe I could. Maybe I couldn’t. And then I would move on with my day. That was the moment I knew I was getting better. Looking back, I realized I had been experiencing OCD my entire life. As a child, I constantly worried about my parents dying, about being left alone. I used to wonder, What happens when people leave? Do they still exist if I can’t see them?These fears weren’t new—they were just amplified by my postpartum OCD. I’m proud to say that I’ve been in remission for over a year now. While OCD sometimes resurfaces with different themes, it doesn’t control my life. It doesn’t stop me from living fully, from enjoying my time with my daughter, or from embracing the things I love. The road to recovery hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned that it is possible to take back your life, even when OCD tries to tell you otherwise. ♥️

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?