Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I am so scared of Hell...i have false memories that make me think im a bad person... I just Hope they are false memories and real... Im so scared

Hey Everyone. I'm new to this and I figured I would reach out to groups of people in similar situations. I have had OCD and intrusive thoughts in my life since a young age. When I was a Kid, I constantly checked my blood sugar out of fear I had diabetes. I did it so often you could see where the skin was lanced at, a bunch of little dots on every single finger tip. I have always had that fear of "what if, what if, what if" and I'm tired of it. I want to rise above it and work on making my life somewhat normal. I'm currently going through therapy and where it does help, our sessions are far and few in between. I have so much anxiety about certain weird aspects of my life. I have to sing my abcs to feel like my hands are clean. I constantly have intrusive thoughts bringing up things about my past and my trauma. Do I have a disease? Am I going to contaminate something I touch? Do I love my partner? Do I find my partner attractive? I was molested as a kid, would I do that to a kid? Even though I know how I really feel it creeps up and takes over my mind. It gets loud. So loud, but silent at the same time. It becomes pressure. The back of my neck tenses and I feel something looming over me. Like it's the puppet master pulling the strings. I read a few posts on here and it feels reassuring that I'm not going through this type of stuff alone. I'm constantly feeling alone and broken because of it, despite my therapist telling me I'm not. For instance, last night my gf of five years and I had intimate time and when I wanted to enjoy myself, my brain triggered by the smell of her breath and it shot me back to a memory of my first partner. My first partner and I, we had a good relationship in the beginning but it became writhing with toxicity and hurt towards the middle and the end. I don't want to think of that. It's unwanted. The more I don't want to think it, the more it's forced on me. I'm tired. Not suicidal tired but I'm wearing thin. It feels like the thoughts I don't want to think about, win. If anybody has a similar experience to me and you found something that tried and it works. Please link the tools! I am open to everything. I want to be normal.

This theme is not a usual one for me but it's eating me up today. I'm married and I love my spouse with all of my heart. I couldn't imagine a world without her. We've been together years now and I don't ever wanna think about being separated from her. That's why this has been tough. Yesterday, a female coworker came to me asking for some help looking for something. I walked her over to this staircase as I figured what she was looking for was probably upstairs. Once we got there we were having small talk about work when all of a sudden I had a bad feeling. Feeling like I had just done something wrong. I quickly then made sure there was adequate distance between us...not that we were close to begin with, just made sure of it. As I walked back to my area, I felt a ense of doom. Somehow my brain concocted this story that I must've kissed her, and that's why I felt that feeling. I replayed it over and over again, and I'm not even sure know what exactly happened. Like now I don't even know why exactly I felt that feeling...like, did I have an intrusive thought that triggered it? Was it just a random bad feeling without thinking of any thoughts or images? Also wondered if I felt it because I did do something wrong and just somehow immediately forgotten about it. It's bothered me since last night, I don't think I could live with myself if I did something to ruin our marriage and friendship. We may not always get along, but that's normal and she's still the best friend I've ever had. I have a feeling that I would know if I did something...it wouldn't have just happened and I just completely forgot. It would've been super weird of me to even do and so far outside my nature even if I were single. But you know how ocd is. Somehow OCD can make you feel like you remember almost everything else about an event, but that one bad thing you fear you did- you must've somehow blacked out that one section of memory instantaneously. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Feel free to chime in if you've had similar experiences or share your stories/vents as well! Have a good day!

I just want to say That when I get this therapy I hope I heal and I hope my brain goes back to normal the way it was and I hope all these false feelings go away and thoughts and urges although I feel nothing and I feel like this is the new me I know deep down it's not I just really hope it doesn't get worse and that I can finally have normal thoughts I just really pray to God I can feel like me again if not then I guess I'm stuck like this thank you guys for helping me me the best you can. I just hope this passes beacuse it genuinely feels like I'm changed and that the feelings are there it's scary. Like my brain doesn't even react anymore with disgust or anxiety neither does my body the thoughts just come up and checking is exhausting and when I don't think about it it still comes this is a scary tome for me I've never had ocd this bad before beacuse I knew who I was before all this idk anymore. I feel like I'm in denial about being a monster and that I actually feel like I do desire these things that's how real it is the lingering feeling is still there it feels like I enjoy this it's terrifying How powerful the brain is cognitive thinking is no joke. It really does change how u feel and affects you badly I don't wish this on anybody. 🪽🪽🪽

18+! When I was child I was VERY hyper-sexual I’m not sure when it started. All I remember I was being very sexual with other kids at the time, I think I thought it was normal and nobody was stopping me either at the time so I had no idea I was in the wrong. I think I had to be 13 or 14 where it hit me out of nowhere that I was wrong. The floodgate of anxiety was horrible I had so much guilt it was eating me up. I had to stay home, I quit going to family gatherings, quit hanging out with new friends I’ve made, I cried a lot. Til this day I think about it everyday and the amount of guilt on my chest. If I could go back and change it all I would. I wish I could have a better understanding of me and why I was doing it. It’s the guilt and anxiety I deal with every single day. I never meant to hurt anyone.

Can your brain accidentally create images to test yourself? I’m thinking what happens with me is sometimes I get anxious I’m going to have images or feel the need to ruminate and prove that I am still disgusted with them, so I think my brain starts imagining things on purpose. Like last night was having images in the shower and felt really bad and tried to move past it but sat down looking at the tv and my brain started creating sexual images of the characters on tv. So I was ignoring it not reacting but then somehow I thought of a character way out of nowhere related to the show I was watching and had an image of her naked and she is a minor. And I feel like I created the image because it was me that thought of her in the first place. And I didn’t like or want the image, but I feel like I didn’t react as harshly as I should have, and idk if it was me testing myself. But I don’t need to test myself, I don’t think of her that way or any teenage character. But I still feel bad and I feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse. But I know I don’t want these images and know I can get past them because I literally cannot be attracted to anyone under 20. I don’t want to be, my brain cannot convince me I am, I’m just not. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m feeling too normal, went and hugged my mom & dad and talked with them before bed like normal, but I swear it’s because I know I’m not these images. I know it’s ridiculous and I can beat it. But I feel like the disgust and shame and guilt isn’t there like it should be and a normal person would pics wouldn’t be acting this way. But it’s gotten better before, I’ve had this same thing happen and I’ve gotten past it because I know my morals, but I just feel like I’m not acting right.

Everytime I get a new ocd event it feels so much worse than the others and I look at the others rationally and think idk why I was worrying about those, THIS is the bad one. And I feel like that right now like it just feels like I actually did something horrible and it’s not ocd idk what to do. I want to get reassurance but it might make it worse cuz sometimes I get anxious after confessing to someone.

my mind is spiraling, trying to not listen to the worries about what if my bf SAed me and that's what's wrong. That it was more than a simple mistake and miscalculated move on his part that even though we've talked about mulittle times, including him listening completely and making sure to apologize and do what he can to make me feel safer Bringing up when he forgets to ask before touching me like he used to and I wouldn't mind. But now since my OCD keeps watching onto these moments, I need him to always ask. I didn't before. I was comfortable before. And im comfortable with him. I'm sure that without my ocd, I wouldn't be so hypervigilant and have these fears ruining my relationship with him. Although the ruined feelings are one sided, me being the one who feels that way. he's completely understanding and doesn't make me feel bad for it. I love him for it. But I feel so awful that I have these fears making the adrenaline course through me making me unable to think about anything else. Making me think that I'm trying to justify what he did even though I don't think it was SA, but every mention of rape or abuse is a trigger of those moments where I worry I'm suppressing what might be true. This isnt something can just "maybe, maybe not" until I calm down. I want nothing but to vent to him and cry in his arms about this. but we bith dont knowbwhat to do or say. It makes sexual intimacy so difficult too. I feel like I'm ruined. Like our relationship is doomed because my ocd latched onto one of the worst things ever, convincing me that something awful happened. im so scared and can't seem to navigate my way through this.

my living situation is interesting (to say the least) but i cant do anything about it and it’s making my life so much worse and more difficult than it needs to be. im on the verge of relapsing after ~7 years and im finding it really difficult not to go through with my “plans” (if you’re picking up what im saying) on top of this, i’ve been having a spike in my obsessive thoughts lately and i keep being reminded of past memories and some childhood trauma and i feel so sick. my mind is convincing me that trauma is the reason i “must like little kids” or the reason why God is after me like i thought He was all these years or the reason why i keep getting intrusive thoughts about my teacher everything seems to trigger everything and i am so sick of it. i want it to all go away and i have no private place to rest because of my situation and i have no one to talk to about this. if anyone has any advice or suggestions or comfort please let me know

I'm scared because I keep remembering a memory of something I did when I was 3 while next to my sibling who was 1 at that time and now I'm scared I a*used her and that I'm an abusive, bad, evil POS! (I don't feel comfy sharing all the details, but I was a chronic m*sturba**r as a small child and I find that to be "sexually deviant" behavior because that's what I was taught being Catholic. However, I have a child development background and know some kids just "do this" and it doesn't always signify that you were a victim of CSA/you're an abuser or bound to become one... any advice on how to deal with this damn thought....

So I have many of the debilitating symptoms of so-ocd and have done for a few years now. Prior to this theme, in my childhood I presented OCD behaviours like having to touch something so someone I loved didn’t die, feeling like I had to do something (an urge) even if I really didn’t want to, if I went away on holiday I would have this mental bucket list and say for example if I hadn’t been in the sea because it was too cold I would force myself to because I just had to before we went home or I would regret it, I was a bit obsessed with figuring out how to ‘live in the moment’ and often stressed that I wasn’t and would regret it when I died, I had urges to scrunch my nose up that I couldn’t shake. However, something i am really struggling to get past though is the past events that may prove this theme to be right. For example - I have a past memory of when i was around 8/9 of me looking up a music video which involved a sexually explicit video of a woman and i remember watching it and thinking ooh i know i shouldn’t be watching this because it is inappropriate and almost feeling sneaky and excited because of this, and i don’t know if this is just childhood curiosity and because i knew i wasn’t really allowed on youtube as a child or if its attraction and arousal and im worried that this proves my fears even though until this theme hit i didn’t think once about it and when i did i just brushed it off because i didn’t think it made me gay but now i feel like it does. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice/similar experiences on this?

Some days I really feel convinced that my thoughts are true, like i genuinely couldn’t tell you what I am or how I’m feeling, but some days I know it’s just OCD. But even then my brain tells me I’m just blaming it on ocd and the thoughts I’m having are repressed desires and I’m just in denial

My intrusive images were an absolute nightmare back in April. I honestly don’t even know how it got better, I had written a letter to God begging for help. Well recently idk if it’s because I’ve been stressed a lot again and ruminating on a lot of pocd related things from the past the make me worry, but the images have started again and even though they are repulsive and awful, I feel like I’m not reacting how I should. I think I just got to where I would just try to like blink it away and ignore it, but I feel so bad if I’m not feeling absolute shame and guilt. I feel like I feel too normal and sometimes I forget that if anyone knew besides people on here, I can’t imagine what people would think, but I also know it’s not who I am so I feel like I don’t worry as much as I should. Also, I can’t stop worrying about fanfiction I read when I was like 16 and 17. It really bothers me because I keep wondering did I imagine this one character my age? Why did I read this? Did I even know what aging up was then, and even if I did it’s wrong and gross anyway but if I didn’t age this character up then that’s awful. And i just can’t let go but I think it’s triggering me to have the images so idk what to do.

Does anybody have time to talk

Atraction, arousal, crushes, I have them all, I didnt had them before the thoughs, but I do now, and it all honesty I don't recognize the false part, the crushes come from memories or thoughs and now I'm starting to believe that maybe I never had a crush on a woman cause these false crushes feel so intense that I honestly have no idea how could they be false but at the same time are so intense that if I always had them like my brain says then how didnt I notice before, same goes for the atractions. So real tired right now.

TW: mentions of S3xu@l @buse Like the title said I had a really horrible dream of my abuser performing oral sex on me. And Inside the dream I kept having the same feelings I had the day he abused me. I had also the same feelings I have when my OCD attacks. The thing is my brain kept trying to switch his imagury of that of a woman (which is way more pleasing) still I remember his face and I woke up with a lot of anxiety and disgust. I honestly hated it I know OCD can affect dreams I just hope this doesn't become recurring... I really don't know what to say anymore. I didn't enjoy it but my OCD keeps trying to say I did. I think this is the worse part of it really.

I, like so many others, have had ocd for most of my life. I have had many themes throughout my life. I am a mom and have had harm and pocd as well. For me those have been the most difficult and most painful themes. I have seen many people post on this app and they have had some pretty horrible and disturbing intrusive thoughts or false memories and real events ect. much worse than mine and I have never judged anyone because I know how bad ocd and intrusive thoughts can get. I had someone comment on a post I made recently asking me if I even have ocd insinuating it’s not ocd and i’m a actually just a pedo. That upset me so much because anyone who has experienced pocd knows how horrific and disturbing the intrusive thoughts can get and how opposite of who we really are ocd is. Our ocd already makes us doubt ourselves so to have a fellow sufferer of ocd say something like that can be so damaging. So many people are afraid to seek help or post on apps like this out of fear of being judged so we have to be mindful of what we comment. This person, after reading their bio has never experienced that theme and so they have no idea what it’s like or how bad it can get. I am writing this post because I think we need to be more understanding of those who suffer with themes we haven’t and not be judgmental especially if we don’t know them or their ocd story and what they have been through. I beat my ocd and for years I was ocd free until a recent stressful situation in my life and it came back and has been relentless and worse than ever before. I have had so many kind people give me great support on this app and I give support as much as I can when I see posts of others going through similar things as me. Be kind and think before you comment.

I have this phobia of sleepwalking and doing something bad without me realising. Las night something happened that made me think I could've sleep walked and do something horrible. I woke up at like 4 am wanting to go to pee so I got up normally and before I reached the bathroom I had a bad intrusive thought of doing harm but I just tried to ignore it. After I left the bathroom I went straight to my room and fell asleep almost immediately. However this morning when I woke up my dad asked me why I left the kitchen cabinets open and took out a pack of napkins. I froze and felt my blood turn cold when I heard that because there are knives in those drawers. I told him that maybe he took them out and don't remember but he said he didn't do that and never got up during the night. I asked everyone else that was here last night and they said they didn't do that either. Now i'm here literally shaking, feeling like losing my mind and crying histerically because first thing I thought was that I slept walked after having that intrusive thought and opened the kitchen cabinets to take out a kn*ife to do something horrible. I am absolutely terrified if that happened, I clearly don't remember doing that, I only remember going to the bathroom, peeing and going back to the bedroom right away. This couldn't have hapened right?! I would remember if I had slept walked and did that, right?! I don't have a history of sleep walking in the past, as far as I know. I have no explanation to this incident and I feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown and feel like I need to find out what really happened yes or yes or I will not be able to cope. Someone please help?!!

I have a favorite character from a video game which of course has to be a damn child (he was an interesting character and was actually based on my favorite horror movie which what made him my favorite) and I made an oc cause I could do that which she is a little girl since the character is a young boy as well and (it’s a whole thing) and I thought it would be fun but now I’m just suddenly having these thoughts about being attracted to the character which I never really was and I want to keep it that way. I feel so ashamed and it just keeps coming to haunt me. How do I stop this madness? I don’t know if it’s because I’m an adult now and have a mind of an adult or what I just want this to stop bro. Like I NEVER felt attraction to the character what so ever he was just my favorite because he reminded me of my favorite horror movie character. And I guess it was because we got to see the horror movie character grew up and the video game character never got to see as an adult. Which is kind of disappointing actually because it had three games to the series. Like…

I was doing fine and right now I’m ok but I still have this mental anxiety. Basically I keep seeing images when I’m in the bathroom of me putting the paper on my mouth or face. It’s so gross. I can’t get the image out of my head. It’s based on a true event like I really did go to the bathroom but I didn’t do that I know I didn’t because I checked my face and my mouth after there was nothing there no drops of anything and I didn’t even lift my hand to do something like that. Also in the moment I didn’t have anxiety but as soon as I washed my hands and stepped out of the bathroom how come I got anxiety and images then? Well actually I didn’t have some anxiety during but the thing is I’ve been paranoid about using the bathroom for a few days now so every time I go I get scared. Actually not every time it’s only really specific times. I don’t understand any of this if anyone has any answers please help me. This even affects me when I shower and it’s ruining my life.