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I don't like myself anymore. OCD took my personality. I don't know if this is my reality. Why does it feel real?

i went to target with my sister, and i got into a mindset so bad i’m questioning everything right now. she was walking in front of me, and at one point i walking more in her direction, took a step towards her while having attention on her butt. i think i took the step bc i wanted to feel a groinal while thinking of her butt, but i don’t want that to be true. after, i couldn’t look at her, and i had a few moments where i genuinely felt like i wanted to do something sexual. i genuinely felt and thought that way. when we got in the car, i had a really bad moment like that, as i think i leaned in her direction while having a groinal. i started crying, but couldn’t take my focus off the road for the rest of the way home. now i’m in my car and i feel as though this is really the end. combined with every other horrid thing i feel about my family, children and animals, my life only feels like doom. it was literal hell tonight, and i never thought it would get that bad. i don’t know what to do, i feel like i should be waste

Lately my ocd has shown back up big time. I’m coming close to the end of my pregnancy and my hormones typically really affect it. Currently living in the existential/ harm themes and fear of developing psychosis and going to hurt my loved ones! Questioning if things are real too which then makes me even more anxious because I think I’m slipping into psychosis! Anyone else experience this? Just not the headspace I want to be in before birth

So I’m getting treatment in person and today I had a phone call and it was basically asking questions to see if it is ocd.like an assessment. On the phone there was a lot of questions and I had to answer with numbers So for example she would say a statement “I excessively wash” and then I answer on how much I experience it : 1-not at all 2-a little 3-moderately 4-all the time But now I feel like I lied for some questions and just that I’m lying that I have ocd and using it as an excuse and that I’m just not bad enough. Like I’m scared I’m lying saying I experience some of the things. Like my head lately keeps saying that I’m putting it on and that I don’t have it or using it as an excuse I’m scared what if I don’t have it like right now it’s telling me I’m lying. I feel like I’m making it all up Because a lot of questions around ocd I never hear them talk or ask me about a lot of themes like Pocd Rocd So ocd So when I don’t experience things they ask about like symmetry , ordering or harming others it makes me feel like I don’t have ocd

Hi all! I am asking for ‚reassurance‘ and in this case I think it’s ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father sa‘d me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a ‚reason‘ implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancé is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancé and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when I’m angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I don’t even remember how I felt (which is great, it’s dissociation‘s purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but it’s how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with her… it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday … like 100% didn’t know what was real… Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!

I’m so tired of this. Life shouldn’t be like this and I think I’m just at my breaking point. I just want to live a normal life and be happy but I guess you can’t get everything you hope for. I pray every night for God to just take me. I want to live but not like this.

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

Eighteen months since I told my therapist "I had nothing more to lose" on my first session. Now I'm not 100% free with my main theme (most other themes are gone tho) but I have realized ocd might be my life long partner and I can never learn enough of how to co-thrive with it. Since recently started to view OCD as a gift rather than a curse. Two things mostly shaped my current view of ocd: 1. Last year I did an extensive literature research on ocd and came to the conclusion that OCD is a side effect of a neurodivergence. Then, I realized most of my gifts and the greatest things I have accomplished and enjoyed in life have been due to this, my erratic feature. 2.Last month I experienced an emotionaly intense event (best friend attempted suicide) which made I heavily retrospected my life. I always view myself as a very strong-willed person, but this time I even greatly exceeded what I considered my limit. I usually view myself as a pessimist. However, I realized that was my OCD-ness/neurodivergence made me always faith in the slightest hope even in my darkest days, made me throughout all of these. So, my life just reached its own harmony. Last year I finished lectures of Positive Psychology by Tal Ben-Shahar and adopted lots of attitude from it. I decided to practice on never seeing myself as a victim (but even as a benefactor). As a geneticist, I hold the strong belief that diversity is what make a population survive and thrive numerous environmental changes. Instead of seeing myself as a unsightly miserable disfunctional patient (what I had been doing for 10 years), I started to consider myself as one of the special individuals chosen by evolution for a greater purpose. I think more people can benefit from adopting a similar thought. In the place I'm from, 10 years ago when my main theme onset, being discovered for having mental condition almost equaled instant social death. With the fear of being seen as a permenently dysfunctional person, I hide my 24/7 theme with tremendous efforts, and the fear llingers on and on. Today we have been much improved in understanding mental diversity but people are still bothered by shame and guilty, this is just another structural problem waiting for us to solve. Self-understanding and acceptance is the initial step.

I hate that ocd not only latches onto people/things you love. But I hate how easily triggered it can make you and compare yourself to actual scary/bad people. TikTok has been such a big trigger of mine because I keep seeing crime cases, people harming people/younger ppl, and my most recent trigger someone potentially harming their pet. When I see all these things my brain tries to make connections to my past actions/things I said/ etc to try to find connections to how I’m also bad like them and I should just end it all before I truly end up evil. It scares me I don’t want to be an evil person or bad or worse things. I’m not like those people but my brain says other wise. How do I combat this? I can’t stop thinking about my latest trigger because I feel like it’s an old theme resurfacing and I’m so scared-please advice? Explanations? Why does this disorder exist?

I feel really stupud righting this right now. I can't tell you how many times I've written something and then back spacr everything I wrote. But I guess this is my way of trying to i dont know, better myself. I read everybodys stories and I feel for each and every one of you. What you all go through, is something nobody should have to do. But I know we can't all share our complete thoughts, becausr idk about you guys. But I'm ashamed and scared. I'm scared that my thoughts will make me dangerous or violent. I often compare myself to Jeffrey Dahmer because of what I think. And it's exhausting, but no matter who tells me their story or who shares somethung similar it doesnt feel right. Nothing really feels right to me, and not in a perfect order type of way. More in a my organs are in the wrong spots, my skin feels unevenly placed on my body, and I just want to rip everything off of me. I won't go into details of course, I don't want to trigger anybody on here. But having ocd, or maybe even getting diagnosed or helping yourself through medicine and therapy just seems so pointless to me. When I look in the mirror or imagine myself I'm nothing, I'm just a sack of flesh and everything I think and feel is a chemical reaction. It's alive but not real, I'm alive, but I'm not real. When I look around and I feel my skin, there is no possibly way I can be real, there is no way my life is real. I feel crazy because I constantly think I'm crazy, and the really sad thing is I want to get worse. I don't want ti get better. But at the same time I really really do, and maybe thats why i've never healed or "gotten better" is because something deep inside my head didn't want to and it never did. I am sorry for this being a long rant/vent, I don't know what I wanted this to be, but i'm typing so here we are if your still reading this. But have a good night you know, and thanks for reading this.

Hello all! Just joined the app and this is my first post, was diagnosed in 2021 and have made some good progress in self managing. One of the manifestations of my OCD that is the most pervasive and confounding is getting locked in on the feeling and meaning of very minor things, usually in video games or other interests. For example, with Pokemon Go I have certain Pokemon with a very high CP value (combat power, in case you don’t know the game). There’s a select few where I can’t help but rack my brain trying to recapture some feeling or sense of childlike wonder. Like I try to put myself in the shoes of me or my friends playing this game in 2016 and how amazing it would be to have one with such a high value. I obviously used to have much more extreme reactions to these things as a kid, and for some reason it makes me hella uncomfortable when I can’t understand that anymore. I can’t replicate the feeling and I try to relate it to Pokemon of lower values, and what the implication of it being better than others or being so high may be and how it could look to others. An example I can more clearly describe college sports. As a kid, I would feel genuine apprehension and intimidation when I in a video game played against a team who was ranked in the top 25. Number one team, man I was pacing around the house hyping myself up to play them. But now when I play those games or watch the real thing, any top 25 team I’m instantly having to imagine them in a newscast or sports game with that ranking, what that would mean compared to traditional power balances, what announcers would say, and how intimidating the logo and ranking combo should feel to go against. Of course I can’t capture these feelings and it leads to my head getting tight and many muscles clench until it feels like I’m going to cramp and my head is going to explode. Has anybody else experienced something like this? Clearly, I have no clue how to put this into a concise summary and that’s really hard to deal with when I need to communicate it to therapists. Hopefully someone else can come up with better descriptors

So I was given fluoxetine for my OCD and I'm worried because you know I'm a Christian and I do believe one day God can heal me but what do I do with my meds my mental health doctor prescribed it to me I was wondering should I keep taking it many say I shouldn't because it is too much serotonin and it doesn't help like natural serotonin and now I'm worried

Good morning everyone. I struggle with uncertainty in general and am looking for mantras or ways to respond to anxiety when I feel like I need to know the answer right now. Sometimes the sense of urgency can make it hard to focus on other things aside from the thoughts so I will often engage in a form of reassurance seeking. Going to be starting NOCD therapy this week!

i have severe existential ocd and get plagued with existential thoughts especially when i’m stressed. I have exams this week for finals and all i can think about is the existential thoughts and it’s causing me immense distress. i’m crying 24/7 and having multiple panic attacks a day. i don’t know what to do? does anyone have any advice?( please be gentle)

I don't understand what changed, it feels like I genuinely want what my thoughts are telling me to the point anytime I feel disgusted, disturbed, and or scared. It feels like I'm lying to myself, I'm so scared right now. Once before, this was the last thing I wanted to do to the point I swore I'd take my own life and now it feels like a complete 360. I don't know who I am anymore or of this is what I want, please, I just want someone to talk to or advice.

To the best of my memory: I am ocd. I check locks, I check the stove. I think of “what ifs”. Etc. I have some hoarding tendencies. I wash my hands until they get dried out sometimes. Etc. January 2022 I moved back to my mother’s house after graduating from university with an accounting degree, to save $ & pay student loans. November 21, 2022 I take my 16/17 year old cat to the vet because he lost weight & has Horner’s syndrome (1 constricted pupil and raised eyelid). The cat is diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, and a heart rate of 240 at the time of the exam. November 29, 2022 Around 12:30pm my mom texts me & says cat could use his medication(he started methimazole). I go downstairs to see the cat. The cat, Peebles, seems like he could not stand or walk. He seemed like he was going through something. We administered the methimazole to him in a syringe. Shortly after this, he started to have what appeared to be erratic movements, that I wouldn’t know how else to describe them, other than looking similar to seizures or erratic flailing. After this, he laid on the ground for a while. He appeared to still be breathing at this point, because his abdomen was moving to suggest breath. Every once in a while a rear leg would kick as if he was trying to scratch himself, but he was laying down and didn’t seem to have bodily control or movement or function besides this. I think maybe for some period of time his eyes were closed and he was just laying on the ground breathing with eyes closed. Eventually I think his eyes opened. I think also at some point he tilted his head way back and arched his back, it was very strange. Idk how to describe this other than seizure like movements. Eventually I called the vet around 2:30pm, the vet suggested I not assume it he worst and bring the cat in. I return to the cat after stepping outside from my phone call. I pick him up and cradle him in my arms with his belly facing up. I take him to a sunny area of the porch, and in the sunny area his pupils constricted reacting to the light. At some point after I picked him up and while I was holding him, he began doing mouth gasps, which may have been agonal respirations. I took him to the sunlight on the porch because nature and sunlight make me feel better when I don’t feel well. So I brought him to nature and sunlight because I like nature and sun light and my cats were indoor outdoor cats who likes to be outside. While he was doing these mouth gasps, I handed Peebles to my mother so that I could leave to take a quick shower before going to the vet. If I could do it over, I would have skipped the shower and reacted differently in so many different ways, such as skipping the shower and going to the vet immediately. Part of me suspected that death was imminent for my friend Peebles. Maybe that is part of why I delayed, because when my dog died, she has mouth gasps. So idk. Regardless this is what happened. I return from the shower and my mom is no longer holding Peebles. Peebles is laying on the couch wrapped in a towel. My mom says Peebles died. For whatever reason this was not a well lit living room at the time. My parents are not the most functional people, my mom was sexually abused and been on diazepam for at least a decade, and I don’t perceive her as being the most high functioning person. And I guess I’m not either. Because neither of us thought to replace the light bulb in the living room. So the light in the living room was from light coming through the blinds from outside, maybe light from the lightbulb in the kitchen next to the living room, maybe light from the television, so it wasn’t completely dark or completely well lit. I visually inspected Peebles to see if he was breathing. I did not notice his abdomen moving, so I assumed he was not breathing because I didn’t see him breathing and I didn’t see him moving. So I called the vet and told them we were not coming in because Peebles had passed. I informed people Peebles had passed on my phone. I informed my work (I work from home), and explained what happened and made sure it was okay for me to be excused from work. After my phone call with the vet, I inspected Peebles’ body again at least once or twice, looking visually possibly staring a few second to see if unnoticed abdominal motion to suggest breath. I did not see any motion or movements or any sign of respiration. I wish I had thought to feel for a pulse. I think I did, but thought “well he does not appear to be breathing and he smells bad, so perhaps checking for a pulse is not necessary”. The smell made me gag. He seemed to smell bad fast. I remember thinking that if we waited to bury him, the house might smell bad. I eventually ate for the first time all day around 4:30pm I had cheese, crackers and salami or pepperoni or something like that. I asked my mom to wait to wait to dig the hole and to wait to bury Peebles. My mom never listens to anything I say and often does the opposite. Even if it is serious or if there is a reason, she never listens, and I don’t know if this is malicious or dementia or what it is, I can’t tell if she is a liar or just a confused person with bad memory. Sometimes it is difficult to tell. I find her digging the hole after I asked her not to, after I asked her to wait. But since she is already digging the hole, I begin to dig the hole further to assist her, because I want to do the right thing, I want to feel like I am doing the correct thing and assisting with this difficult moment. I dug the hole deeper. At some point after this, anyways between 30-90 minutes after this, at the cusp of sunset, it seems like there is pressure and expectation to bury Peebles. I think to myself “should I take a video of his condition, so that I don’t question whether or it he is dead?”. I dismiss this and think no, I’ll just thoroughly inspect him before he is buried to confirm his death again, I don’t want to be weird by taking a video. So, it is the cusp of sunset, not sunny at this point, getting dark. I lay Peebles’ body on the porch to inspect him and confirm his death. I think I had just read online that the pupils are usually dilated after death. So I glance at the abdomen, I still don’t notice breathing from the abdomen. So I don’t stare or spend too much time on the abdomen because I felt like that box was already checked. So I am thinking about the eyes and pulse and other things like that. In my mind, I want to take my time and conclude at my own pace that Peebles is dead before burying him. He was completely limp and had not moved for 2.5-3 hours. When I carried him wrapped in a towel, I did not inadvertently notice any breath or pulse through the towel. It wasn’t something I was consciously purposefully feeling for. But after the fact, I wrapped my other cats in a towel to test if a pulse or breath would be obvious and it seems like something that a person is unlikely to miss visually or feeling through the towel. So at this point Peebles seemed dead. I didn’t notice breath. His teeth were showing. His eyes were open. He was limp and hadn’t moved for at least 2.5 hours. I lifted his head and looked in his eyes. His pupils appeared to be pretty constricted. Which gave me a weird feeling, because I thought the pupils should be dilated. However, as I am making this observation and trying to process this observation my mom said “would you hurry up! You’re freaking me out!” in a rushed hostile judgemental tone. This broke my moment of inspection. She followed with “do you want to put him in the hole or do you want me to do it?”. I said “I don’t want to put him in the hole”. This is because I was not ready to bury the cat and had not sufficiently concluded he was dead. But I felt so rushed and pressured in the moment and didn’t have time to process or think or go at my own pace. When I said I don’t want to put him in the whole I meant in general. My mom picked the cat up and put him in the hole. I hated this moment. It is the worst most anxious moment of my life and I relive this nightmare every day. I think I said something like “okay Peebles this is last call, let us know if you’re there”. I think when my mom put him in the hole I wanted to retrieve him, but I could see the neighbors watching tv with their blinds open in my periphery and I guess I felt self conscious about how it would look. I felt pressured an guided in the moment. I felt like the expectation was for me to bury Peebles at this point. So I began to put dirt on Peebles. I put it on loosely. It was the worst feeling in the entire world. I relive it every day. I was horrified wondering if I had buried Peebles prematurely. And I still wonder every day. I’ve probably spent 1,000 hours thinking about it. Hours contacting vets and animal neurologists and ChatGPT for answers or reassurance. My mom patted the dirt down and I was horrified. I felt so trapped and stuck in this horrible moment. I felt like a cat killer. I feel like a murderer. My self esteem and my ego are gone. I feel like my mom and I deserve incarceration. I want to feel normal again but I feel like I don’t deserve to feel normal. I feel like a traitor. I worry about my friend being scared and in need and what if we betrayed him during a medical emergency. What if I caused him to suffer. I feel very bad. Sometimes it is my first thought when I wake up. I feel it in my heart and mind and skin. It is like a never ending Tell Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe experience. When we went in the house immediately after the burial it was dark outside and I had a temper tantrum about what happened and called people for reassurance. I wish I had immediately dug up Peebles’ body to confirm his death immediately after the burial. I guess some reasons I didn’t: 1. Afraid or how it might look to the neighbors. 2. It was dark outside. 3. If he wasn’t dead before, I assumed the burial probably killed him. 4. Maybe I was just being weird and ocd and overreacting. In retrospect I wish I had dug him up, because if I thought there was any possibility he might have been buried prematurely then the right thing to do would have been to have immediately retrieving the body instead of calling everyone to vent about what happened. There are so many aspects of this day I wish I could do differently. The constricted pupils haunt me because usually pupils are dilated after death, not constricted. That said, Peebles had Horner’s syndrome, and I wonder if an underlying condition that caused his Horner’s syndrome could have caused his constricted pupils post Mortem. Some things that make the constricted pupils unusual: 1. Pupils are usually dilated after death for cats. 2. It was the cusp of sunset and our porch was facing East. The sun set in the west. It would have been unusual for pupils to be that constricted as reaction to light at this time and in this setting. I’ve taken my other cats to the same spot around the same time, and their pupils did not get this constricted as Peebles were. 3. Peebles, when he was alive had Horner’s syndrome. Usually one pupil was more round and dilated while the other pupil usually remained constricted. Prior to burial, to the best of my memory his pupils were uniformly constricted, and he didn’t appear have Horner’s syndrome. This seems to suggest his constricted pupils may not have been a reaction to light or a sign of neurological activity, but it seems I’ll never get the opportunity to check for sure. No vet I’ve talked to seems to think Peebles was alive when he was buried. Idk if they are just saying that to make me feel better. ChatGPT seems to suggest it is highly likely Peebles had passed prior to burial, but cannot be definitive without a professional examination by a veterinary professional. So idk what to do. I feel like I need a group of vets and animal neurologists and ocd specialists to convene to try to determine what happened. And even after that it feels like I would still feel guilty and ask what if and feel bad and wonder if I caused my scared friend to suffer and die when he needed my help. Idk what to do. According to google maps there are ocd specialists about 3 hours away from me, in Tampa. I’ve heard of a certain type of mushroom helping to treat ocd in some studies, but this mushroom is illegal in most states including my state. So idk what to do but it has become a lot of weight and not very enjoyable.

I just learned I had OCD this year so it’s been a whole new can of worms for me to open and before I realized I had it I thought what I was dealing with was just “anxiety”. I thought slowly not being able to enjoy the idea of roadtrips with friends anymore because of imagining numerous scenarios where we either get into a gruesome fiery wreck or something irreparable going wrong with my car and leaving us stranded was just run of the mill anxiety. l also thought not being able to sleep on the window side of my bed because it’s super windy outside and i’m afraid it’s gonna blow my window off the frame and smash on my head in my sleep was just anxiety. long story short there are numerous other scenarios just like those that kept me up at night most days that I thought they were just normal bouts with anxiety. so naturally thinking it was anxiety I developed a system to cope with these thoughts and sort of coach myself out of them as if it was just like regular anxiety. I would quite literally talk myself down in my own head while i’m having distressing thoughts. it would always provide temporary relief but it would never fully stop it from happening. after I found out I had OCD, I didn’t think anything of it and continued to talk myself down from these thoughts. I did this to combat the OCD for months, but then I started thinking to myself… why is it that I realize i’ve dealt with these OCD thoughts since the moment I had conscious thought… yet it’s never been ~this~ bad. and I would ask myself, “why are you such a wreck now? what’s making you in a constant state of crisis all the time? why isn’t the self talk working?” and that’s when it hit me… coaching myself to not have these thoughts was literally a compulsion. and it became one of my most go to ones without even realizing it. the moment i’d have a distressing thought throughout any given day… waves and waves of encouraging words would scatter my brain like a flock of birds flying around me chirping as loud as possible till i drive myself insane. and then last night I just so happened to be scrolling a reddit post about having a song stuck in your head with OCD where someone commented something along the lines of “I know it may seem easier said then done, but try not to give energy to the thoughts. the less energy you give it your brain will get bored and move onto something else”. It hit me in that moment, all this energy i’ve been putting into talking myself down in my own head to fight these thoughts was literally like me dumping a gallon of lighter fluid on a fire to try and get it to stop. since I had that realization the world has seemed much quieter to me. I feel more inside my body, and I feel so much more secure with myself than I have in honestly the last 2 years easy. I’m not naive enough to think this is even remotely close to the end of me fighting these thoughts, it’s just simply a crucial weapon to have the upper hand way more often than I have in the past. it just reminds me of as a kid when i’d get disgusting intrusive thoughts about food i didn’t like at school, or have an existential crisis mid class, I wouldn’t ever really stop and think about “why” I was having these thoughts I’d just be like “that sucked” and move on. Figuring out the “why” in adulthood was crucial to me figuring out why I am the way I am, but the awareness sent my OCD into such an overdrive at first that took me a minute to get a hold of. *phew* I’m back. I hope this helps others too

Hi. My name is Alec. I've had this app for a year, maybe less, but never used it really. I don't know why, if it's a lack of motivation, or confusion about myself. Maybe a lot of things, piling on top of each other, day in, day out. I've had no platform comfortable sharing things with, no real community to try and be a part of, because I couldn't take the first step. I'm shooting a light into a dark night here and I don't know where this is going but here I am. I don't know what medical issues I've had, and my whole life it feels like whatevers been going on with me has been swept under the rug or categorized as just another part of autism. I may be on the spectrum with aspergers, diagnosed, but it always felt like there was something else, like these people just generalize my brain into something easy to work with. Well it's not. My brain has periodic attraction to minors, but that's being nice for the sake of it. They're kids. KIDS. And any time I've wanted to come out and get some help, maybe float the idea of someone coming out to people with that issue, I always hear the same response. Commit suicide, people like that deserve death. "If you in any way are attracted to kids, there is no excuse, people like that should be;" shot, stabbed, raped, etc. So I never have seeked anything or anyone out for help, and just sat in my own disgust and lust that I've grown numb to it. I think my brain obsessively targets a mindset to make myself feel less bad about drawn porn of the content, because that's all it's been, growing numb to sickening ideas and maybe even normalizing it. You can never be as mad at me or anything as I am, because I have to deal with these thoughts just about every day. I don't know if it's much better, but I don't look up CP. While I can't help these strange obsessive attractions, I've put so much energy directing it into fictional porn, specifically the drawn stuff, just so I couldn't be tempted in real life, and seems to be working so far, but if I can snuff out this issue for good, I don't know how I'd feel, but I hope relieved. That's simply a smaller chapter in my life, despite its vulgarity, so still be aware that I am being vulnerably open right now to a bunch of strangers that may not want to see this. I dont know. I really don't. There has been no option for me that I could find, and I'm already past the option for suicide, so I'm just crossing fingers that maybe some answer will come to because who can afford a therapist when they have no money, and listen to the comments of an ultimatum for various problems probably associated with a mental issue is murder or some twisted version of justice? I simply just want to figure out what's wrong with me, and maybe even fix all of my mental problems and blocks, despite this being an app for a target group of people. Maybe this is my root, who knows. But thank you anyways.

I’ve always had a feeling of having OCD but I’ve never been sure. I’m a teenager, and I’m hoping people on this app can help me try to figure out if I have OCD or I’m just crazy. Starting off with these terrible thoughts I have all the time. Someone can come home late and I immediately think they got into a car wreck, and check my phone for recent car crashes and other thing etc. etc. number 2, I always have intrusive thoughts, terrible ones ever since I was a kid I can’t control. I immediately feel like thinking these will lead god to hate me, and that he made an imperfection on me. And every time I try to hide these thoughts away, like right now they’re coming out I just can’t stop thinking of them and it’s so hard to do anything. Just thoughts like, “you hate your mom” or, “you hate god” and stuff that scares me like spiders. It’s hard to do anything with these thoughts. I’m also a major perfectionist, if anything is out of order I freak out. Yes, my room is messy. But I feel a sense of incompleteness and anxiety if I don’t empty the dishwasher, or don’t clean dirty dishes around the sink. These are recent and I feel like God will punish me for committing the sin of laziness. I also have a thing with the number 5, when I touch something it needs to be 5 times and if it’s not 5 times I freak out. I’m also terrified of getting sick, every time my friend is sick I freak out and don’t get near them the entire day, constantly washing my hands. Writing this is triggering a lot of my terrible thoughts and I don’t want to continue writing. Please let me know your thoughts, mental illness runs in my family but my mom is constantly telling me there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe she’s right.

Always feels like I'm back to square one sometimes. I feel really off right now. It doesn't really feel like I can allow myself to fully enjoy something without my intrusive thoughts or anxiety disorders getting in the way. My life wasn't like this before 2020 came along. It was never about worrying about every little thing. It didn't have any worrying at all. There's two things that continue to bother me every single day. My teenage years and pornography. I hated my teenage years because there were a lot of negative things that were going on and being exposed to porn made all of that worse than it already was. There are some good things I can remember, but the bad things are always the overwhelming majority. Porn genuinely messed me up. I don't know what the solution is to move on from all of this besides taking medication. I don't know how to get through all of this naturally and I'm having doubts. I feel like medication is the only way at this point. I just can't stop thinking about anything that would make me anxious and I just can't stop feeling like something bad is going to happen every single day. Whether it's going to sleep and never waking up, having something wrong with my body, or never being able to move on from past hurts. I've been trying to practice coming to terms with my past self and basically being void of any judgement. There's some good days, some great days, and there's some bad days like this one. I just want to enjoy my days but I just get so much junk in my head that I can't basically.