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i mean u have it for a reason, its a blessing in disguise u js gotta find purpose

Needing some advice on what helped others with this same theme. I find myself experiencing obsessions about the concept of OCD in general. The thought will come up of, “What if my OCD gets bad again?” When I start to make progress, and then I get totally trapped in another flare. I also notice whenever an intrusive thought comes up my mind has started to go, “What if this becomes a new OCD theme?” I also worry, “What if my OCD is debilitating and never gets better?” It’s super frustrating because it’s such an overarching concept that causes a cascade of other themes to arise. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so what helped you through it? I’ve been so upset lately and I feel really helpless and broken down. I just want to feel safe in my own body and mind, it makes it hard to enjoy life and do all my responsibilities when I’m struggling this hard.

I’m struggling right now and I’m embarrassed to reach out to my friends and family. I’m struggling rn and need a friend to talk to

I hate the feeling of being observed, and I think its OCD somehow, but I feel like everything I do is being observed and evaluated. I love making friends and stuff, but now im so stressed its just annoying. Plus i feel like my friends and those around me are just evaluating me and I know theyre not but it seems like it. Its the reason i have so much anxiety going to school. There are a couple thousand people my age observing me every single day. This year especially, ive cried in public more than once with no idea why. It was so embarrassing. I am realizing that I think it was feeling observed when I was so tired and couldnt keep up with the obligations of what i felt i had to do in those situations. I have kept myself from crying at school, but every day especially in the cafeteria. I feel like running away alone to cry. By the time I get home im so exhausted from feeling observed and like i have to be perfect to whoever is observing me all day. Which is 2,000 people btw, so its beyond stressful cause i feel like a failure every day. And its only the first week of school. Last year i was so stressed I practically gave up anything I liked at school (my style, my weight (i stress ate a lot which made it worse),my personality, ect.) because i was such a failure. Kind of a downer post sorry about that.

I’m highly considering medication to go alongside my ERP. I was wondering if anyone could share their medications, how effective they are, how long they took to work etc.? Thank you

I know there have been helpful OCD articles posted about this case and how her thoughts were different. However, I can’t help but to think she asked for help, which means she had to have had some awareness of what was happening and not just a psychosis episode. Also saw a TikTok comment about how she was reading books to help her with the thoughts. I have ordered so many OCD and thought books too. 😭 Like did she have harm OCD thoughts and just give into them and didn’t receive the correct therapist??

I haven’t shared on here in a while. I was raised in a very legalistic church. At 18 I had my first really bad onset of ocd. I got on meds and was fine until 32 when I got pregnant and off my meds. I have always struggled w my relationship w God bc of the legalism and underlying ocd. I used performance and rule following to stay in check. Everything fell apart after my second pregnancy at 33. I was misdiagnosed other things on top of the ocd. I was in the psych hospital 6 times in 5 years. I underwent erp but it never worked. I did ECT, TMS, Ketamine, neurofeedback, and was prescribed over a 100 different meds w in this time. Doctors were giving up on me. I got a divorce a year and a half ago. My last psych hospital visit was a year and a half ago. I started therapy w an ERP therapist last August who has gone through scrupulosity ocd before. She integrated grace, human imperfection and gods love into our sessions. I also weened down on all crazy meds except 200mg of Zoloft and .25mg of klonopin 2x a day. Progress has been slow. I’m very frustrated w where I am but have made a lot of progress. I can drive, volunteer at a nursing home a few hours a day, have knocked down researching to about an hour a day, follow a little routine my therapist has given me. My goal is to recover, go back to school and get my OT to work in a nursing home and get joint custody of my boys. I still wake up dreading every single day, but I have come so far. The hardest part is accepting I am imperfect, that god loves me unconditionally, I can’t change my past and I don’t know what my future looks like. I’m still struggling w my relationship with god. Love and prayers for all of us in this community. All we can do is keep going. God has carried me this far. He will see me through.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently. And the thing is I don’t actually want to die I just want the thoughts to go away. I am set to get married to my amazing fiancé in 8 months and yet my mental health is awful. For context, she has been through a lot of sexual trauma. Basically from the age of 5-20 sex has been apart of her life. Abuse, assault, grooming, you name it. She’s been through so much and when she’s opened up to me about it I haven’t handled it well. I’ve been struggling with really bad ROCD, Retroactive Jealousy and Secondary Trauma for about 6 months now. She’s knows I’m working on it and trying to get help but I don’t think she truly knows how bad it is. It’s all I think about all day everyday. I never have experienced any trauma and have had a easy life and she’s the first person to ever open up to me about such trauma and it’s a lot and my brain has just handled it so well as spiraled. This is the woman I want to marry and I’m truly getting to a point I want to end my life because I can’t take these thoughts anymore. It’s a swirl of anger, confusion, jealousy, lust, sadness, etc. Hating how many gross men and older teens preyed on an autistic young girl online. Her being falsely taught from a young age that her body was the only way she could get any sense of love or attention. We are a Christian couple so waiting till marriage, but obviously she’s said she has more she needs to talk to me about because it will affect us being intimate in our marriage. With how many times she’s felt used and made to do things she didn’t consent too. I really care about her a lot and want to get to a better place. But my mind can’t wrap my head around everything and I have all these intrusive thoughts, and mental images and movies and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. Been looking for OCD therapists and either they’re booked out 2-3 months or just insanely expensive that I can’t afford them. If any reads this please help me, I don’t want to die, but I also don’t know how else to get these thoughts to stop.

My OCD is pushing people away. I had the worst crisis this week. It's been 5 years since that happened, and my boyfriend never saw me like that. He struggles with depression and has a very complicated life. I ended up just adding to all of the chaos. I don't know if anyone else has this, but when my OCD kicks in really hard, I start dissociating and enter a state of derealization. It's like I'm hallucinating. Anyway, I'm trying to get better. I'm back on medication and seeing a psychiatrist, but I feel like he is very scared of all of this, sad, and distant. I'm really afraid he's going to break up with me. I don't want to feed this thought too much, because I know that if I give it too much attention, it will become an obsession and make everything worse. But I'm so scared. I feel so different and alone.

Does anyone else avoid emails because they’re scared of what they might say? I just realised how extreme my avoidance around uncertainty can get. I had an email that I was too scared to read since January because I was convinced it might contain bad news or an unexpected cost. Today I finally opened it. Before I did, my stomach was doing flips and I was so anxious that I said a quick prayer first. The email was actually reassuring. What shocked me was how intense my physical reaction was to simply opening an email. Even after reading it and knowing everything was fine, my stomach still felt sore for a while, almost like my body was decompressing from the stress. I’m wondering whether any of you deal with this too: avoiding information because the uncertainty feels unbearable, getting temporary relief from not looking, and then allowing the unopened email/message/document to become scarier and scarier over time. I know not every scary email is going to contain good news, so I don’t want the lesson to become “everything will always be fine.” I think the lesson I’m trying to learn is that avoiding the information doesn’t protect me from the outcome it just makes me live with the feared outcome in my head for much longer. Does this show up in anyone else’s mental health journey? I have 5 more scary emails to check… ugh. I don’t think my colon can take it 😭 I'm avoiding an email from NOCD admin for a month now cause I crashed out during a high anxiety spiral & forgot my manners. I need to get it together & read the response & apologise.

I find it difficult to be around people who are mentally healthy sometimes. Like they are very chip and happy and I am here dying inside feeling like if I expose myself then I will be a huge burden to them so I try my best to act okay but that drains me more

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a long time, and recently my feelings toward him have felt much quieter than they used to. I remember having stronger feelings like “aww, he’s my baby,” “he’s so handsome,” butterflies, excitement, romantic feelings, and physical desire. Now I sometimes look at him, including his face, side profile, or lips, and feel nothing. This makes me worry, “Do I still love him? Did we grow apart? Do I find him boring now? Am I forcing my feelings?”At the same time, I still have spontaneous positive reactions toward him. When I saw him after several days, I automatically felt happy and immediately started talking to him. When he texts me, I sometimes smile and get happy. I naturally grab his arm or scoot closer to him, and being physically close usually feels warm and comfortable but I feel nothing sometimes. Sometimes I spontaneously want to kiss him. I enjoy listening to him talk, relating to his stories, and interacting with him. When I imagined being single or him leaving me, my immediate reaction was that it felt very upsetting. I also said that even if the romantic spark stayed quieter, i just want to know why. I would still want to be with him. What confuses me is that sometimes I feel nothing at first but still naturally move closer to him. Often the warmth or connection comes afterward, although sometimes I remain neutral. When I look back on these moments, I can start questioning whether I actually enjoyed them, even though in the moment I was usually comfortable or warm. I feel like I’ve lost access to the intense romantic “surge” I used to have. I want to look at him and naturally feel “WOW, he’s incredibly handsome” or “aww, that’s my baby” again. Sometimes I see a picture of him and genuinely think he’s cute or sexy, but then I compare that feeling to another moment when I felt nothing and start worrying that something has changed. I don’t if it’s because In late July or early August I forced myself to think of sexual thoughts if girls and vividly imagined it and it felt real like i actually experienced it . It happened for two or three weeks. I don’t know if that made my feelings more quiet or not accessible towards my boyfriend because I forced my feelings on those vivid thoughts. The biggest thing I’m struggling with is uncertainty about what my feelings actually mean. I keep wondering if I still love my boyfriend, if my romantic feelings have genuinely changed, if we’ve grown apart, if I actually enjoy being with him, if I’m forcing my feelings, why I can’t access the romantic excitement I used to have, why I can sometimes feel something and other times feel completely blank, and whether sensations or thoughts about other people mean I’m attracted to them. I barely test myself intentionally anymore, especially at school . It’s like my OCD is more comfy at home but the questions still appear when I notice that my feelings aren’t as intense. I’m trying to understand whether my feelings genuinely changed or whether anxiety, stress, emotional exhaustion, familiarity in the relationship, and my previous checking have affected how strongly I experience or access my emotions. What I want help with is understanding what is actually happening without turning every feeling, sensation, thought, or lack of feeling into evidence. I want to learn how to distinguish genuine relationship changes from getting caught in analyzing my emotional state. I don’t want to force myself to feel romantic feelings or label sensations as attraction. I want to be able to experience my relationship naturally without constantly needing to know whether I feel “enough.”

I don’t really consider myself someone who gives advice, especially because I still struggle with OCD myself, so take this with a grain of salt. But after dealing with OCD for about 5 years, and having two years that were probably the worst I’ve ever experienced, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about what it’s like to live with this shit. I’m in a flare up again right now, and honestly, when it first started I was terrified. My biggest fear was going back to those two years that felt like the worst fucking years of my life. But looking back now, I realized something I didn’t see while I was in it. I still lived my life. Those two years felt like I was doing nothing but surviving. I had so much anxiety, fear, rumination, intrusive thoughts, paranoia, anger, and so much negative self-talk. I hated how I felt and constantly thought, “This is my life now.” But today I was looking back at pictures and memories from those years, and wow. I traveled. I celebrated holidays. I spent time with my family. I went out. I played my favorite games. I tried new things. Tried new foods. I made memories with my husband and my son. I still did things I enjoyed, even when OCD was screaming in the background. And honestly, that realization has helped me a lot this time around. So if I could say anything to someone struggling, it would just be keep living your life. Not in some cheesy “everything is going to be amazing!” way because sometimes it fucking sucks. Some days you’re going to feel like shit. Some days OCD will be loud as hell. Some days ocd will feel tolerable. And some days might actually feel great. But you can still live while it’s there. Find little things you enjoy. Go out. Talk to your people. Play your games. Watch your shows. Make plans. Do things even if you don’t feel 100% like yourself. And try to be a little kinder to yourself too. I was SO mean to myself during those two years. Everything was negative. “My life sucks. I suck. Everything is ruined.” And obviously that didn’t exactly make me feel better. I’m still learning all of this myself, but I’ve started looking at these things as little habits I have to keep practicing. Finding the good, being kinder to myself, accepting that I won’t always have answers or certainty, and just continuing to show up. I’m not saying this is the answer to OCD or that it will magically make it go away. I’m just sharing something I’ve personally realized that has helped me look at this flare up a little differently. OCD can be loud as hell, but it doesn’t have to be the only thing happening in your life. ❤️

I get extremely disturbing sexual intrusive thoughts about almost anyone or anything, sometimes even animals. These thoughts disgust me and make me feel horrible. I absolutely don’t want them, but they keep appearing in my mind anyway. They can make me feel so distressed that I cry. I’m scared by the fact that my brain can come up with these thoughts, and I keep wondering what they mean about me even though I don’t want them at all.

Yesterday, I went to the game with my boyfriend. Before we got there, I was annoyed because he wouldn’t let me pay. Once we got to the stadium, we talked and stuff, but honestly I felt bored .My boyfriend was still so cute to me, but I realized I would rather be home. I wasn’t bored of him; the game itself just wasn’t exciting to me anymore. Then I started wondering, “Why am I bored? Is this what relationships are supposed to look like?” Then the weather changed and there was a weather delay. Everyone went over to the side, and my boyfriend and I sat together in our corner. I remember looking at him and feeling a little off, like we were acting more like friends or best friends than a couple. I told myself it was fine, and when I touched his arm, that feeling went away.After the delay, we went to my house. I was already irritated because my boyfriend’s sister had gotten in trouble blaming him for something he didn’t do and he had gotten in trouble too. My dog was also constantly barking and wanting attention, which was annoying me even more. I felt bad afterward because I thought about how there had been another time when my boyfriend was upset and I naturally snuggled against him, and I wondered why I didn’t do that this time. I started thinking, “Do I even care?” and wondering if I was becoming desensitized.Later, my boyfriend and I went to the corner store together and I got a slushie. We walked around together, and it was good. I thought he was really cute, and I kept wishing I could feel that old romantic surge again when I look at him and think he’s so handsome. I was basically thinking, “Ugh, I want it back.” I miss the stronger feeling I used to get sometimes.At one point at the corner store, I also had a moment where I wondered, “Do I see myself with him? Do I?” and suddenly I felt really emotionally distant for that small moment. It scared me because I wondered what the distance meant. But I also remember being genuinely upset when we couldn’t get senior release together at the end of the day because our schedules only lined up in the morning. I was disappointed because I wanted that time with him. Later, when I was upset about it, I didn’t give him a kiss. Later, my boyfriend and I sat on my couch alone. He started kissing me, but my parents had gone outside, and I felt nervous and scared that they might walk back in. I noticed myself feeling like I was pushing away or moving away from his kisses. We kissed for a little while, but I realized i didn’t feel anything while we did that .While we were being affectionate, my brain suddenly brought up a random image involving a girl while touching his inner thigh. I immediately became worried and thought, “Wait, am I sexually into girls?” That interrupted the moment and made me start analyzing my feelings again.Afterward, I kept thinking about why I didn’t feel much during the kissing. I wondered if it meant I didn’t love my boyfriend’s kisses anymore or if my romantic feelings toward him were gone. At the same time, I still wanted my boyfriend around and didn’t want him to leave.Overall, the day felt confusing because my feelings weren’t one consistent emotion. I was bored at the game but not bored of my boyfriend. I was annoyed by different things. I sometimes felt distant or neutral, but I also wanted to be close to him, thought he was cute, wanted more time with him, and didn’t want him to leave. I miss the old romantic surges and wish I could access them more easily, but I still have moments of affection and connection with him.

I was talking to this boy that did me wrong in high school and he came back years later and I gave him a chance, he told me everything i wanted to hear but when we did stuff he started acting completely different and distant and he almost got me pregnant and he told me to get rid of it or im on my own and we broke up but he doesn’t seem to care…now i keep maladaptive daydream about him…making up scenarios and in those scenarios he regrets what he did to me…I can’t stop thinking about him and i can’t stop looking out for his car.. and now im thinking what if i go crazy from thinking about him so much.

Not seeking reassurance, just sharing. I was talking to a friend of mine today and a lie I told when I first mentioned my OCD to her got brought up. She knows the focus of my OCD is morality, but I lead her to believe the main focus of it is about fearing I’m racist. While this is a fixation of mine, it is not my most debilitating fear and it’s not what I’m actively being treated for. The theme destroying my life right now is POCD, but I hate telling people that for fear that they’ll assume I am what I fear I could be. I feel a lot of guilt about this, as if hiding it makes it more likely to be true. I also feel compelled to reach back out to her and confess the truth, which I know is a compulsion and I’m trying to resist, but then I spiral thinking am I resisting a compulsion or do I want to hide it because deep down I know it’s true and I don’t want anyone to find out, even myself. I also feel guilty for using a fixation on racism as the stand in for POCD, like that in and of itself is racist and an example of how I’m not taking being antiracist seriously enough. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth. I’ve told other people I’m close to, and haven’t had a negative reaction. It actually scares me how easily people dismiss the possibility that this isn’t POCD but fear of a latent desire. Like they aren’t looking close enough and if they ever did they would realize that I am the horrible thing. This post has become a bit of a rumination spiral so I’m going to stop it here, but I just wanted to share and maybe see if anyone has struggled with something similar.

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD a couple months ago and I didn’t know I was dealing with it for a long time… But sometimes I question it… Because I know I have POCD and it used to be so bad in the pandemic For example: this past week I’ve been taking care of my grandma… because she had knee surgery…(side rant Im proud of her. She’s doing good.) But my mom came to my grandma’s house where I’m staying right now to take care of her…. And this past week I’ve been questioning in my head like am I a good granddaughter? Do people love me? Am I going to be alone forever? And then I do everything to get proof… for example… my mom didn’t tell me you’re doing good… because I’ve been really trying to take care of and help my grandma, getting her meds in order, helping her with physical therapy…. And I don’t mind helping her, but why do I feel so guilty for complaining that I’m tired? And I know logically I’m tired because I’m waking up early I’m preparing things for my grandmother. You know that’s just kind of how I am. I always prepare ahead. But then the question in my head I texted my mom Am I a bad granddaughter? And my mom text back no, you’re doing a good job But it wasn’t enough I needed more proof that I wasn’t bad but really truly underneath was do you hate me? Do you not love me? Please don’t go? And to be honest, I don’t know if this is OCD anymore… because sometimes I do ruminate in that kind of area to where I question everything about myself And to be honest when I get like that, I’m so emotionally overwhelmed, and I’m starting to believe the thoughts that are in my head… and to a point.. I just shut down for example I cried like crazy today And that feeling is still there…. Just not as bad. And maybe what triggered this was from this morning? Because the physical therapist came here.. and I’m 21 years old. I’m unemployed and last year I couldn’t really go outside cause I was scared that people would see something bad in me. But the good news is, I did get my permit this year, but let’s get to the point my apologies again And he asked me what do you do when I said oh I don’t do much. I’m thinking of going to college close for my grandma live. But in my brain, it was like shame and guilt and I should hide because I’m unemployed and this and that and this and that Am I get that? I am moving forward…. I’ve made doctors appointments for my stomach issues.. I’ve prepared some surgeries for myself that I need done… I got my permit… hopefully in October I go to driving school as I plant But I’m just questioning Is this OCD? And I’m not here for reassurance. I’m just confused in a little lost here. Please let me know if this is OCD or you think it could be something else Cause if it’s something else, maybe ERP is not for me… but I’m also scared if it is something else but again sorry for getting sidetracked……

hi, im attempting to get advice and guidance from this community because i genuinely have nowhere else to turn. i feel like i can't seek advice from others in my life because it might be biased or reassuring but i feel so stagnant in this thought pattern because im unsure of what's actually best. i have BPD, AuDHD and have been involuntarily without therapy for almost 3yrs. i'm not medicated and haven't had any treatment specifically for my OCD. my partner (23) and i (24) are poly and have been seeing someone (23) together (calling them G for this) for a couple of months. it's been going well for the most part but i've been feeling so conflicted emotionally because i'm sometimes unsure how to read them at times when we're apart, they're often sending sweet messages and letting me know that they miss me or want to hangout soon and i feel very desired by them. but more often than not, once we're together it feels like we're just really good friends who are sporadically physically affectionate? and i feel less desired/liked by them there's also been a bump of tension between us because i'm a switch with no lean and my primary partner is a switch with a very heavy dom lean. G is a sub who used to identify as a switch and at times it's felt like im not "dom enough" to hold their interest. they've said things like "im just really attracted to bold people and i think we're both really shy" and its made me feel a little slighted because im positive of the fact that most people would not call me shy because i am quite the bold and intense person. they've talked about trying to date "switches" in the past and finding out those people are not really switches and it feels like in a way they're expecting me to be the same. i can't help but feel like i can't present who i am authentically because im worried about not being "dom/bold enough". my style of domming also isn't like my partner's or G's primary partner's and it sometimes feels like that's the only style they're willing to engage with. it sometimes feels like their view of D/S and top/bottom is a little rigid or boxed and i feel like im always falling short of this specific image of a dom in their mind. a few weeks ago i tried to express that this aspect of our dynamic worried me a little and that im not sure how confident i feel trying to push something that just may not work for us. we've talked before about having a romantic relationship without a spicy one should that need be the case but haven't actually had to broach that topic since we're attracted to each other. so i wasn't trying to end anything or pressure them, i just wanted to let them know where my thoughts were. but they got a little frustrated with me and asked me if i was "too scared to try" and if my fear mattered more than seeing where things go with us. i told them that i just didn't want to keep opening the door and risk making them uncomfortable just because i wanted this aspect of our relationship to happen. i didn't want to keep forcing something when it could be that perhaps we're just not compatible in that sense, i'd rather be upfront about that and adjust our dynamic accordingly. but it seemed like they really just thought i was trying to "give up" on something. i really do like them, and there have been a lot of times where I've felt desired and appreciated by them in a way that was greater than friends. they're very fun to be around and i have a nice time talking to them usually, there just feels like there's a weird ball of tension in my stomach at times, when we're together, mostly. and i feel unsure how to move because im not sure if i'm going to be speaking from a place of genuine discomfort or just unchecked fear. any perspective from people who might have dealt with a similar insecurity or experience is highly appreciated. i've really been needing to talk with someone, anyone, about this specific dilemma but i've had no luck anywhere else. i think this is my absolute last chance of gaining clarity.

Pls help Am i overreacting/ thinking . Me and my bf was outside taking our dog out and then my bf was ready to go inside . The leash got caught under our dog and I told my bf two times to take it from under there . My bf told me “he (our dog) will be alright “twice . You know how when you’re taking your dog outside to useit on the leash and sometimes it gets under the dog between its leg and private area. I was thinking about that and my kind automatically goes to what if since my bf ignored my twice and told me our dog will be alright that means he sexually abused our dog bc he didn’t take the leash under there right away and said he will be alright . I thought my bf was pulling on the leash and the leash was probably rubbing against our dog under there . My bf said he didn’t pull it tighter but he was trying to get our dog to go back up the steps where my bf was and I guess my bf was trying to get my dog to correct himself since my bf was walking up the steps and our dog didn’t and tried to go another way. Just a brief summary about me , I have pocd and another theme where I constantly wonder if my my bf is a secret bad person and I also wonder if I am too . Lately I’ve been paranoid about what if my bf SA our dog even tho deep down ik he’s not like that but my mind will take innocent things and make it into soembtig. Not only does it do it my bf but I also question what if I’m abusive too . Pls help . I was trying to get over it but I’m like what if I get over it and it was actually somebtign bad that happened and I just disregard bc I think it’s ocd 😞 this is awful . So now I have to come here for reassurance bc I can’t tell if things are a real concern or not . I feel like for a long time I’ve lost my touch of self judgement and touch of reality . But what if I’m being gaslighted idk . Lmao so ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I’m sure some of you have seen more posts of mine . I would love to not post anonymously but I can’t risk some evil person exposing my statues to my family and friends . As I’ve typed all this I’ve calmed down but idk anymore I’d rather just say whatever . So tired of worrying about stuff .and then it’s like what if I didn’t explain this correctly and ppl don’t understand what I explained … oh well lol. And then my bf is mad at me bc he’s tired of me accusing him or assuming horrible stuff that’s he’s not intentionally doing. Now that I’ve calmed down I feel like this situation is not what my mind is making it seem but the what ifs and what if I just don’t know what a real concern is anymore bc of my constant ocd torturing me everyday