Really needing advice, not sure where to turn

hi, im attempting to get advice and guidance from this community because i genuinely have nowhere else to turn. i feel like i can't seek advice from others in my life because it might be biased or reassuring but i feel so stagnant in this thought pattern because im unsure of what's actually best. i have BPD, AuDHD and have been involuntarily without therapy for almost 3yrs. i'm not medicated and haven't had any treatment specifically for my OCD. my partner (23) and i (24) are poly and have been seeing someone (23) together (calling them G for this) for a couple of months. it's been going well for the most part but i've been feeling so conflicted emotionally because i'm sometimes unsure how to read them at times when we're apart, they're often sending sweet messages and letting me know that they miss me or want to hangout soon and i feel very desired by them. but more often than not, once we're together it feels like we're just really good friends who are sporadically physically affectionate? and i feel less desired/liked by them there's also been a bump of tension between us because i'm a switch with no lean and my primary partner is a switch with a very heavy dom lean. G is a sub who used to identify as a switch and at times it's felt like im not "dom enough" to hold their interest. they've said things like "im just really attracted to bold people and i think we're both really shy" and its made me feel a little slighted because im positive of the fact that most people would not call me shy because i am quite the bold and intense person. they've talked about trying to date "switches" in the past and finding out those people are not really switches and it feels like in a way they're expecting me to be the same. i can't help but feel like i can't present who i am authentically because im worried about not being "dom/bold enough". my style of domming also isn't like my partner's or G's primary partner's and it sometimes feels like that's the only style they're willing to engage with. it sometimes feels like their view of D/S and top/bottom is a little rigid or boxed and i feel like im always falling short of this specific image of a dom in their mind. a few weeks ago i tried to express that this aspect of our dynamic worried me a little and that im not sure how confident i feel trying to push something that just may not work for us. we've talked before about having a romantic relationship without a spicy one should that need be the case but haven't actually had to broach that topic since we're attracted to each other. so i wasn't trying to end anything or pressure them, i just wanted to let them know where my thoughts were. but they got a little frustrated with me and asked me if i was "too scared to try" and if my fear mattered more than seeing where things go with us. i told them that i just didn't want to keep opening the door and risk making them uncomfortable just because i wanted this aspect of our relationship to happen. i didn't want to keep forcing something when it could be that perhaps we're just not compatible in that sense, i'd rather be upfront about that and adjust our dynamic accordingly. but it seemed like they really just thought i was trying to "give up" on something. i really do like them, and there have been a lot of times where I've felt desired and appreciated by them in a way that was greater than friends. they're very fun to be around and i have a nice time talking to them usually, there just feels like there's a weird ball of tension in my stomach at times, when we're together, mostly. and i feel unsure how to move because im not sure if i'm going to be speaking from a place of genuine discomfort or just unchecked fear. any perspective from people who might have dealt with a similar insecurity or experience is highly appreciated. i've really been needing to talk with someone, anyone, about this specific dilemma but i've had no luck anywhere else. i think this is my absolute last chance of gaining clarity.