Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Is it okay? Any experiences with smoking weed and OCD? What was it like the first time you smoked? Can weed be addictive or is it specifically addictive to people with OCD? Did your intrusive thoughts go away?

TW: harm OCD & *past* suicidal ideation I am 27, and although this is my first time being treated for OCD (I had my first NOCD appointment yesterday), I was actually diagnosed when I was 11. What led to my diagnosis was traumatizing for me. I had been having intrusive thoughts of seriously harming my family. I was only 11, and I did not understand why I was having these intrusive thoughts, nor did I understand what they were; they terrified me because I had no desire to harm my family. I loved (and still do love) my family so much. I was so afraid I’d become a monstrous serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer. The thoughts and fear of myself consumed me. I decided that if I felt like I was going to act on any of these thoughts, then I’d kill myself before I’d have a chance to hurt them. It was a very distressing and terrifying time of my life. Dealing with it on my own became too much, so I finally broke down to my mom and bawled about the thoughts I was having. I was only 11, and I knew she was a retired psych nurse, so I thought she’d understand. I explained that these thoughts were scaring me, I absolutely did not want to act on them and would never act on them, and I told her that if I ever felt I was going to, I would kill myself because I couldn’t bear to hurt her or my family. I love them too much. My mom was very hurt and angry. I understand why. It’s not normal for 11-year-olds to have these thoughts. That’s when she first put me in therapy. That’s when I was first diagnosed with OCD. However, after a few sessions, mom pulled me out and my OCD was never addressed again. These past few months, I’ve been struggling with different types of OCD besides harm OCD, and it’s become too distressing, so I finally decided to get help for it on my own. Hence why I’m here. I told my Mom I was finally getting treatment for my OCD, and she didn’t recall me ever having OCD as a child, so I reminded her of the incident that prompted her to put me in therapy and get diagnosed with OCD in the first place. Mom immediately asked me, “What did I do wrong as a mother for my 11-year-old daughter to threaten to kill me and her brother?” That hurt and made me so angry. I had NEVER threatened anyone. I have never threatened anyone. The thoughts I was having as an 11-year-old were eating me alive. They were so distressing and so debilitating. I was so afraid of myself. I never wanted to act on the intrusive thoughts. I never threatened to act on them. I had simply told her I was having these thoughts and they were scaring me because I knew I didn’t want to hurt them. So, having this conversation with her at 27, I cried and told her that she completely twisted it against me — I had never threatened her or anybody. I never had intent. I didn’t even want the thoughts to begin with. I already felt like a monster as a child, and hearing her as an adult say that I threatened her and my brother (when that never happened) makes me feel even more like a monster. I’m not looking for reassurance…just sharing what happened and how I’m currently feeling about it. I am still upset. I just ended the conversation with her. I guess I’ll be bringing this up at my next OCD appointment.

I stopped researching for about 3 weeks then I fell back into it for the last two weeks. I feel horrible. The thoughts have been like whack a mole. I have scrupulosity ocd and was raised Assembly of God and very legalistically. I’ve tried to follow the rules my whole life and my ocd has latched onto this legalism. I have explored different denominational teachings that are more grace based but I don’t know which teachings I believe. I’m having a hard time accepting my humanity and imperfections. Any words of encouragement are appreciated. I’ve been struggling badly since 32 and I am now 38. I am just completing my first full year of ERP. I’m exhausted. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m trying to trust God that I’m going to get through this but it’s really really hard and healing js not linear unfortunately.

Hey everyone. I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict with almost six years of sobriety, and I was diagnosed with OCD last September. I am hoping to find someone else who has dealt with both OCD and addiction simultenously. Honestly, I’ve felt like something was “wrong” with my brain for most of my life. Maybe those were the earliest signs and symptoms of OCD. I just never felt quite right or always needed to feel a certain way about things. Even as I’m typing this, I’m thinking, “Did I really feel like this, or do I just know all the OCD buzzwords now?” I am constantly doubting myself. I’m hoping someone out there has experience with both the 12 Steps (AA or NA) and a diagnosis of OCD. Anyway, I started drinking and using drugs very early in life. I joined the military at 19 to try to straighten my life out. I drank heavily for years until I finally admitted I couldn’t control my drinking. It took me three years and two rehabs to find sobriety. I found sobriety through the 12 Steps of AA and believing that a Higher Power could remove my obsession to drink. Ironically, this was the only thing that worked. For several years I lived a very happy, joyous, and carefree life. My anxiety and depression were gone, and I tried to live by the principles that AA taught me. Looking back now, I think OCD had always been present, just in smaller ways. I constantly overthought and overanalyzed everything. My mind never seemed to slow down. I honestly think that’s one of the reasons I started using drugs and alcohol so early in my teenage years. Three years ago, I met an amazing woman. I had recently gone through a divorce and had dated on and off for a few years. In every relationship, I’d eventually reach a point where I started worrying: “Do I really like this woman?” “What if she gets pregnant?” “Am I actually attracted to her, or do I just want sex?” Those questions would eventually become so overwhelming that I would end the relationship. The anxiety would disappear, so in my mind the solution was simple: end the relationship, end the anxiety. Then I met my current girlfriend. I remember falling for her very quickly. Around the three- or four-week mark—when those thoughts would normally appear—I found myself waiting for them. They never came. I was convinced she was “the one.” As the relationship progressed, she started doing little things that annoyed me, just like in any normal relationship. Then I started questioning everything. It began with her appearance. I started looking at her as if I were viewing her under a microscope. I constantly analyzed her looks, how she dressed, how she talked, how she walked—everything. It drove me crazy. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I couldn’t figure out how to explain it without hurting her feelings. I did my best to explain what I was experiencing, and we broke up on and off for about six months. The crazy part was that I knew I loved her. She was everything I wanted emotionally. She was patient, mature, supportive, and brought so much to the relationship. Yet I became completely fixated on physical attraction, and I still carry guilt about that today. Eventually, I told her I was done running. I promised I would stop breaking up with her and actually give the relationship a real chance. We’re still together today, and I still struggle with these thoughts daily. During all of this, I made a major career change in the military and entered cybersecurity. The nine-month course was make-or-break for my career, and I put enormous pressure on myself. I overstudied, constantly ruminated about failing, and my anxiety was through the roof. At this point I was dealing with both relationship anxiety and career pressure. I kept feeling like something inside me was going to snap. Eight months later, I was driving to take my final exam. Out of nowhere, the word “alcohol” entered my mind. Not a craving. Not a desire to drink. Just the word. Most recovering addicts and alcoholics know what it’s like to be obsessed with their substance of choice. During active addiction, I thought about alcohol every waking moment until I finally drank. One of the greatest gifts of sobriety was realizing one day that I hadn’t thought about alcohol for hours. Then days. Then weeks. Eventually, the obsession was gone. Of course, over the last six years I’ve thought about alcohol from time to time. But those thoughts never scared me. This one did. My brain immediately asked: “Why am I thinking about alcohol?” “Why is the thought still here?” “Oh my God…my obsession has returned.” I passed my exam, but I spent the next month absolutely miserable. I became convinced my addiction had returned. Every night I was terrified I was going to relapse. I called my sponsor four times a day, went to meetings daily, took on new sponsees—you name it. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do, but the fear never left. Looking back now, I believe this was OCD. I constantly scanned my mind to see if the thought was still there. Whenever it popped back into my head, I’d think, “Great…how long is it going to stay this time?” At this point, I was a complete mess. Then came the moment that completely broke me. One night, lying in bed, I had an intrusive thought accompanied by an intrusive image. Minutes later, as I was falling asleep, I started seeing brief flashes of the image every time I closed my eyes. I immediately had a panic attack. I woke my girlfriend up and told her everything. I attached enormous meaning to that thought. In that moment, I felt like I no longer knew who I was. I became convinced I was secretly a horrible, monstrous person. I spent that entire weekend ruminating and even contemplated suicide. The next two weeks were absolute hell. I mentally reviewed every memory I had, desperately trying to prove that the thought meant something about me. I found “evidence” everywhere. I constantly wanted to confess to my girlfriend because I needed to know how she saw me, since I no longer trusted myself. Thankfully, my girlfriend had recently listened to a podcast about Pure OCD, and she encouraged me to find a therapist immediately. That happened in August of last year. I spent months in therapy, sometimes twice a week. Looking back, the amount of reassurance I needed every day—sometimes every hour—was astonishing. Every time my brain “cleared” one fear, it immediately created another. I was miserable. I stopped working out. I stayed in bed most days. I wanted relief more than anything. But I never drank. Over the following months, my OCD shifted themes constantly. It bounced between alcohol, morality, intrusive thoughts, and fears that I was secretly an evil person. Over the last month, I’ve finally started seeing real progress. At my worst, these thoughts occupied about 95% of my day. They even made their way into my dreams. Now I’d estimate they’re closer to 40%, and they don’t carry nearly the same level of anxiety. I still have days where I don’t believe the thoughts at all, and other days where I’m completely convinced they’re true. I understand that ERP teaches us to accept uncertainty, but for me it feels like I absolutely must know the answer because if the thoughts are true, I don’t think I could live with myself. Overall, though, I’m doing much better. At my last therapy session, we didn’t even talk about my Pure OCD. We only discussed my relationship, and that felt like a huge milestone. Now, to the reason I’m writing this post. If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much. My current struggle is that I feel caught between two people I trust. My therapist believes this is OCD. She believes I have a well-understood mental health condition that responds to therapy and, for some people, medication. My AA sponsor doesn’t deny that OCD exists, but he’s a deeply spiritual person. He believes my intrusive thoughts and obsessions are closely related to my addiction and that my ultimate solution is the same one that saved me from alcoholism: working the 12 Steps and relying on a Higher Power. I understand why he thinks that. Both addiction and OCD involve obsessions that seem impossible to stop. The problem is what happens in my own head. When I connect my Pure OCD to my addiction, my brain immediately concludes that I’m secretly the person my intrusive thoughts say I am and that I’m simply resisting the inevitable. As you can imagine, that’s terrifying for someone with OCD. My sponsor suggested I attend a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting—not because he thinks I necessarily belong there, but because he thought I might relate to some of the people. That suggestion immediately sent me into another spiral. My brain said, “If I go to that meeting, I’m admitting I’m a sex addict. And if I’m a sex addict, maybe all of these intrusive thoughts and images are actually who I am.” For the last two days, I’ve been obsessing over whether or not I’m a sex addict. Part of my brain says: “Look at the pattern. This is classic OCD.” The other part says: “But you’ve always struggled with relationships.” “You think other women are attractive.” “You’ve worried about sex before.” “Maybe this isn’t OCD at all.” Then I’m right back down the rabbit hole trying to figure out whether I’m actually a sex addict. I’ve had this fear before. I’ve even stopped watching porn and masturbating because I wanted to improve my relationship. Right now, I feel completely stuck. Has anyone here dealt with both addiction and OCD? The two seem so closely related at times that I struggle to tell where one ends and the other begins. I’m constantly asking myself: “Is this OCD, or am I just an addict?” “Is this OCD, or do I secretly want these thoughts?” “Is this OCD, or does being a sex addict mean these thoughts are actually who I am?” If anyone has experience with both recovery and OCD, I would really appreciate hearing your perspective. Thank you for reading.

A lot of the time, when something new happens to me that would change something significantly, I automatically start resisting it. It can be something as small as anything. Then my HOCD started, and because of that I try to resist these automatic feelings of resistance by using compulsive counter-evidence. The reason I resist these things is because I’m afraid that the same thing is happening with my HOCD — that I’m only resisting because of that. Now I received my ADHD diagnosis. At first I was happy about it, then my attention shifted away and I started feeling the same thing with this too. I started resisting the ADHD, thinking that I don’t want to have ADHD. Of course, I try to resist that reaction too because I was even happy about the diagnosis at first (and now that I’ve written this down, I’m feeling that resistance again), plus I don’t want the same thing to be happening with my HOCD. Is this “resistance/contradicting myself” thing familiar to you?

Hi guys, so with my OCD journey I have never really dealt with unusual and unique relationship OCD thoughts. I’ve dealt with a few main and standard ones before like: “what if I don’t actually love my girlfriend” or “what if I’m not actually attracted to her” or “what if she’s not the one” Stuff like that. But today I was at work and this other girl came in and I started having thoughts about her. For context she is new to my Bible study group (which my girlfriend is also apart of). I have only just met this new girl 2-3 weeks ago and she seemed cool but I didn’t really chat to her as much as I stayed over with my smaller group of mates. Anyways so she walks into my work and I just saw her and my intrusive thoughts once I recognized her was “wow she’s pretty” and “wows she’s hot” and then in my head it just came up with a scenario of like “what if me and her were dating instead of my current girlfriend.” Then I sort of spiraled a bit because I do love my girlfriend and I would never cheat on her that’s just not in my morals or character. But I felt like having those thoughts about this other girl was immoral and borderline cheating behavior. I would never actually make a move on her or talk to her whilst I am with my partner right now so I don’t know why my mind is getting tripped up about it. One of my main compulsions is researching so instead of researching online about rocd and going down rabbit holes online I thought if I just came on this app and dumped my thoughts and issues and leave it at that and get on with my day it’ll be the best thing for my ocd. Then we just started talking at the cash register (which I was at) and we were talking a little bit just casual small talk like “how’s your day going, are you going to next bible study, you off to work now” that sort of thing. Then I had an intrusive thought like “wow we really get on and she’s seems really cool and down to earth and nice and kind” so then my mind again was like “what if I liked her over my girlfriend” that just freaked me out cause I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years and we have been through so much together and I can see us getting married and growing old one day. Any advice for how to deal with this? I have been getting therapy with an OCD specialist and she has done wonders with my mental health as I was previously struggling with harm ocd, suicidal ocd and a few other subtypes. But those are managed now and honestly been really good lately with my ocd. I just want to let this new random one spiral. So again that’s why I am just dumping my thoughts on here instead of doing compulsions, overthinking and seeking reassurance.

I have a bunch of subtypes of OCD and the main one I struggle with is ROCD. It affects me and my wife so much. I want to start therapy but ERP really scares me Any advice?

Hi! Hope everyone is having a good Monday. I started NOCD about 1 ish months ago. More structured ERP has been helping, but some specific forms of harm OCD that involve severe, impactful/irreversible harm seem to hit harder than others. Though I know the root cause for all harm OCD is fearing I would be the type of person to be violent or harmful, using the same approach to face the more severe harm themes doesn’t seem to be working as well. Any tips?

Trigger warning because this can be extremely disturbing if you struggle with contaminating or health themes. Two years ago my dog caught fleas which ended up in him having a little parasite infection. As soon as I spotted this issue, he got his treatment and healed quickly. However, this was such a huge spike for me because I started cleaning like crazily scared that my family and me would catch these parasites. Today, I looked at my dog and spotted a flea on him. He has his deworming pills and his flea collar, he’s also bathed regularly, but it happened. Now you catch me here, throwing a huge spiral because he sleeps with me. I’m desperate. I know that I spotted the problem even sooner than last time and I’ll begin to treat him again, but the distress cannot be handled. Please any tips, anything.

I have ocd staring since 10 years. It came along with post partum after the birth of my son. In the past 10 years I've lost countless friends and acquaintances, who started avoiding me after noticing that I was being creepy. Recently, my family has started becoming distant. My husband is wanting to separate, since 90% of my marital life has been dealing with ocd. My son sees me as a needy, weepy woman and doesn't respect me since he sees people not treating me with respect. But the worst blow is recent, where my biggest supporter so far, my mom is drifting away from me. I think she's losing hope. I know I've been frustrated and depressed for years due to my helplessness towards ocd and that has made me a bitter person, but I love my family. I have tried several combinations of medicines over the years, but gave up after there were no real results and side effects were too many. Therapists have refused to see me in the past which makes it difficult for me to try again. Looking for a support group to stay afloat.

I’m not looking for reassurance, but I wanted to ask if it’s possible for these thoughts to occur every day for months, sometimes with more anxiety and stress, and sometimes with less (but I think 24/7 about these thoughts). Yesterday I saw an Instagram reel where someone said that if it happens every day, it’s no longer just doubts, but rather something you don’t want to admit to yourself. Has anyone experienced something like this?

I’ve been ruminating about a mistake I made in my relationship and I’m spiraling into other thoughts of, what if he lies to me now or what if he resents me or what if he tries to hide things or talks to someone else or finds someone else attractive. I worry when things aren’t as good in my relationship more than I do normally and it makes me so scared. I’m also upset with myself about the mistake and keep replaying things about when it happened and getting disgusted with myself. I’m just so afraid of losing my fiancée and my future for a dumb mistake and I also don’t want him to start doing things. He never has but I’m just afraid maybe now he will? 😭😭

If you have the time I’d really appreciate any words. I’m sorry for how long it is! I just saw my ex for the first time in a little while. Lots of emotions, crying, and a LOT of OCD guilt and intrusive thoughts about guys in the middle of us talking. It was a mess. He was angry, I was too. I kept imagining my coworkers and wondering if I liked them or a different guy or whatever, and my ex was like I don’t care!!! and then suddenly he flipped the script… we sat there for a while and he started to tell me how much he still loved me. how he didn’t know what to do next. and I said my biggest fear was me finally getting better (our relationship ended due to my ROCD), and him being gone… and he kept saying he’s not going anywhere- not a guarantee wait-five-years for me kind of thing, but that he has nowhere to go. After a crazy breakdown and that whole situation, he grabbed some of the stuff he had gotten me for my birthday next week. he had gotten me something really nice and special to me and it was so sad. he hugged me a million times. we kissed, I cried, we laughed. I was extremely sad and still spiraling and I am currently, but his words constantly saying he loves me and agreeing that this doesn’t exactly feel over are running through my mind. Does he mean that?? I think he does but what if he just decides to leave before I get things figured out? What if my OCD attaches to someone new or I get feelings for someone else again?? I’m so frustrated and sad and I miss him but idk how to feel about him but I pray he waits for me to at least figure out how I feel and I got a glimmer of hope that I’m scared to keep. I’m just mostly scared my OCD will make me attached to a new guy/I’ll get feelings for someone I don’t want and it hinders my chance at every being with him or being able to love just him. And no, I don’t think crushes are okay during relationships. He also followed a girl I didn’t want him to after and when I said are you gonna get with her?? he was like yea probably! and I got frustrated and he was like no, I’m just being mean. I wanted to catch up with her and I’m not interested in being one of her guys. But it adds another variable. What if I like someone else? What if he does? What if he gets with her? What if I don’t get better fast enough and he finds someone else? The spiral is just adding more curves

i got my diagnosis of ocd a few months ago which stemmed from a debilitating episode of SO-OCD but obviously thinking back on my life and to where my ocd realistically started (possibly to a more mild extent) i think back to my previous relationship. i have mentioned before that we broke up due my thoughts just being too much for me and becoming extremely heightened around him. we already had previous issues of him emotional cheating on me and just off and on arguing due to me constantly wanting reassurance that we would work out or that he still loved me etc. this was all prior but consistently before my most recent episode of SO-OCD. i could never not think about what he did but i was always still madly in love with him, i never doubted my feelings for him per say but I would consider breaking up with him often due to how much he had hurt me in the past and he would repeat it occasionally. im unsure if this is really even ROCD or truly i become dissatisfied with the relationship. ever since my psychologist brought up the point I can’t help but wonder because ROCD seems a bit more extensive than what I went through, mine just felt so normalized but I had doubts constantly in the time we were together not regarding sexuality or anything just if “we were meant to work out”. I originally thought we would get back together after I get to a better place but now idk since hearing this new perspective and it clinging on to me a bit? pls share your thoughts or experiences as im hoping to learn more about ROCD & SO-OCD

If you have the time I’d really appreciate any words. I’m sorry for how long it is! I just saw my ex for the first time in a little while. Lots of emotions, crying, and a LOT of OCD guilt and intrusive thoughts about guys in the middle of us talking. It was a mess. He was angry, I was too. I kept imagining my coworkers and wondering if I liked them or a different guy or whatever, and my ex was like I don’t care!!! and then suddenly he flipped the script… we sat there for a while and he started to tell me how much he still loved me. how he didn’t know what to do next. and I said my biggest fear was me finally getting better (our relationship ended due to my ROCD), and him being gone… and he kept saying he’s not going anywhere- not a guarantee wait-five-years for me kind of thing, but that he has nowhere to go. After a crazy breakdown and that whole situation, he grabbed some of the stuff he had gotten me for my birthday next week. he had gotten me something really nice and special to me and it was so sad. he hugged me a million times. we kissed, I cried, we laughed. I was extremely sad and still spiraling and I am currently, but his words constantly saying he loves me and agreeing that this doesn’t exactly feel over are running through my mind. Does he mean that?? I think he does but what if he just decides to leave before I get things figured out? What if my OCD attaches to someone new or I get feelings for someone else again?? I’m so frustrated and sad and I miss him but idk how to feel about him but I pray he waits for me to at least figure out how I feel and I got a glimmer of hope that I’m scared to keep. I’m just mostly scared my OCD will make me attached to a new guy/I’ll get feelings for someone I don’t want and it hinders my chance at every being with him or being able to love just him. And no, I don’t think crushes are okay during relationships. He also followed a girl I didn’t want him to after and when I said are you gonna get with her?? he was like yea probably! and I got frustrated and he was like no, I’m just being mean. I wanted to catch up with her and I’m not interested in being one of her guys. But it adds another variable. What if I like someone else? What if he does? What if he gets with her? What if I don’t get better fast enough and he finds someone else? The spiral is just adding more curves

I had a bad experience w/ overdosing on my anxiety meds and panic attack reaction to hydrocodone after wisdom teeth removal and ever since I have a lot of fear around meds in general. I always check interactions with my medications and won’t even take ibuprofen and I have to check my bottle a bunch of times to make sure I only took my meds once. I have an upcoming appointment to discuss medications since I’m a newbie and haven’t even gotten a full diagnosis but lots of pointers from therapists (I feel guilty about not being diagnosed.. anyway..) but I’m too scared about side effects to take meds even tho I know it will really help. I’ve researched but idk I don’t like being out of control of what my body does.

TW: racism, implicit bias, racial ocd Heyyy.. so i am technically a conquerer, but i have really struggled with racial ocd. I actually am so pissed about this one bc before ocd i didnt have any biased thoughts, I actually was confused abt implicit bias bc i was like how is that a thing, dont people just feel neutral to everyone? But with ocd I have gotten A LOT of biased/racist thoughts, it initially started bc I was dating someone who had some problematic political takes but interrogating him about his takes around racism made me think things like "what if you're actually the racist one, you must think horrible things worse than he ever would and you are a hipocrite for having issues with some of his opinions bc hes not actually evil like you" and then the intrusive thoughts started. Every bias you could think of, I would see people of other races and immediately the stereotype of whatever bad thing was worst to think would come to my mind. And then I would analyze and try to erase it. I was afraid of making too little or too much eye contact with people, of being too nice or not nice enough. I was scared of saying something bad more than anything. I was constantly trying to prove to myself I wasn't racist, that I was good. I tried to start listening to more black musical artists bc my music was too white. I started watching more and more video essays about racism and following black creators so I could think the right thoughts. But it only got worse. I have been in recovery (kinda) for ocd and there are times when it gets better but one time in the past months I had a scary encounter with myself at a party when there was a song with a slur in it and I was really out of it and then a couple seconds after it was said I thought I had said it too. And this has sent me into a panic for awhile and whenever I think about it I feel sick bc I don't want to have said something evil or to be evil or to not know FOR SURE if I have done something horrible. I used to feel like I was a good person, like I cared about everyone, I was a good progressive who thought good thoughts and was going to make the world better by caring about equity and social justice bc it was the right thing to do. but now i always feel like a hipocrite. I have gotten better but I still cannot tell what is me being racist and what is an intrusive thought. Sometimes I feel feelings of fear around black people but I don't know if this is bc I have so much OCD related feelings to being racist that it triggers that OR if its racially/hatefully motivated. I have slurs in my brain all the time, I am so afraid I have or will say one. I dont know how to be progressive when I'm not sure if im good AT ALL. And I also know that even having this OCD is racist. I had a friend (BIPOC) once who when I briefly mentioned how I have struggled with fears of being racist, she said 'it's racist how much white people worry about being racist.' AND LOGICALLY, i know why this is true. I understand that it centers me in issues that aren't my own, that it makes the 'big obstacle' proving I'M PERSONALLY not racist, not actually getting rid of racist institutions and racism in general. But I cant help it, if I think something is bad, my OCD will latch onto it, and what if it has turned me irrepearably racist anyways?? What if there is no difference between me having actual biases and racial intrusive thoughts if both make me more on edge and stressed and MAYBE more likely to say/do something racist?? are they just the same things? if so how do I even recover, how can I move past this if its always in my head? How can I trust myself when racists trust themselves all the time and still are racists? Pls help, if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

Does anyone else have this issue with conflict? My brain creates these scenes where I’m having a full blown argument or confrontation with someone. It’s like a scene, not a “what if they say this” . It’s full blown scene, I’ll say this and they say that and then it escalates, then I’m angry or anxious in real time as if it’s actually right happening right now. Before I realize I’m having a whole altercation in my head. It’s automatic and it’s endless. It’s very imagery based rather than verbal “what ifs?” \* It happens with multiple people, not just one person. \* It starts automatically. \* I can become emotionally activated before realizing what is happening. \* I recognize afterward that it was happening in your mind. Usually it’s triggered by people who I’ve had a bad conflict with. It drives me insane and it’s endless.

I have not been diagnosed with OCD ⁃ Thinking a bad thought or bring it up to get reassurance and be told I am a good person. ⁃ Feel like I need to guilt myself into reading my Bible and talking to God ⁃ I get anxious, guilty, remorseful but not all the time ⁃ Anything that has a double meaning I like zone out and make sexual does not happen all the time I am able to look past it or just not hone in on it which makes me feel it’s all me ⁃ I was genuinely excited and am excited to go to Church, but I guess my mind guilts me or if I say vocally I’m excited it makes my mind crazy or it might just be me. I look to ahead of things and it goes back to the lustful thoughts or conjures up new ones ⁃ I speak blasphemous thoughts in my mind and it does not faze me at all I am able to move on clearly. I conjured them up or sometimes I fix the thought vocally. ⁃ Sometimes I have motivation and do care about the thoughts whether I conjure them up or not sometimes I don’t. - sometimes I can stay so focused and be fine and feel I am in control and sometimes I think I fully am in control of my thoughts cause I feel my mind working and feel myself zoning in - doubts about Jesus and His story as I’m reading the Bible - thinking of a song that has a sexual part honed in on it because I use to think of a sexual image of myself and then was trying to remember it of it being myself and it was a sexual one of my sister which I knew it would turn out to be - - I also know I can easily pass by things said on tv or something but I continuously respond to it being like “no lol” with anything associated with a bad thought so I don’t think the bad thought or so my brain doesn’t glitch, but I know when I do respond vocally the bad thought will appear and then I usually will feel guilty or sometimes I won’t and will look past it - I also do like oh I can think this terrible thing about people with sicknesses and God won’t punish me and I can live my life - afraid cause I feel like I can easily walk away but then I fear that these thoughts were simply just me all along and then I will get scared to live happily all over again so I feel I have to stick in the loop or else I will also have no reason to go and live for God, but when I am peaceful I feel I loose sight of God - - the thoughts are unwanted but I come up with them

Never considered this a possibility until every recently when everything felt like it clicked. I had met my current best friend in Junior year of highschool, and we only became truly close during our Senior year and the following few years. She's been basically the only person I've associated with (outside a few buddies I had before graduation) amidst my depression and my life basically falling apart. I've done a lot of rumination over my handful of years of having her in my life, and the conclusion I've come to is that I've been absolutely terrible to her, despite the fact that she swears up and down that it's not the case. The first point of rumination is just all the times I've said creepy/perverted stuff to her, tried to engage with her in a sexual way, etc. There's been so many moments throughout our 4+ years of knowing each other where I would say something dirty/flirty in hopes something would blossom, and it was either so ill timed she would call me out on it, or she didn't really realize the implication. A handful of occasions I had been a bit pushy/trying too hard without really realizing it, but as I've grown as a person over the last few years I end up remembering and feeling gross about it. I'm also struggling with a couple of false memories, or at least, what I HOPE are false memories, convincing myself that I either have tried/wanted to touch her without her wanting it at some point. She tells me that I haven't done that and she would remember if I did, but I'm so scared that I've wanted to do so at some point and the thought horrifies me. I sometimes feel like I only ever became her friend for sexual reasons, or something. Something I'm horrified could be true. A point my mind holds against me often is how I'll video call with her when she's in a state of undress, and it's like, I'll want to do it more because of it? As scummy as that sounds? What makes it worse, is that I talked to her the other night about things that we often do together that in my eyes are an intimate thing, whereas she sees them as stuff she does with close friends. Showering on the phone, stuff like that. Which makes me feel worse for pursuing a relationship like that with her when it was never there at all. The second point is largely a byproduct of the first point, where I had often felt immense guilt over my previous actions and would profusely apologize and deliberately avoid her for long periods of time. She's told me that I've caused her a lot of pain doing that to her, despite me feeling like it's the right thing to do quite often. So despite everything I've talked about, like I said, my friend doesn't have any issues with me. She swears up and down that I'm too hard on myself, and when I ask what exactly she wants out of our relationship, she says she just wants me to keep being who I've been, who in her eyes, is her chill friend she can talk about whatever with and play games with. All of what I've talked about isn't even a factor. Something me and her have talked about is how she's pretty dense when it comes to social things, so part of me can't help but wonder if I really have been as horrible as I think I have been, and she simply hasn't had it click. I care about her so much, man. Maybe high school me was only thinking about sex. I don't know anymore. All I know is that even if I didn't care back then, I DEFINITELY do right now. She's such an amazing person and easily the best HUMAN I've ever had in my life. That's why this is tearing me apart so thoroughly. The idea that I've been so horrible to the only person who actually CARES about me at all makes me lose sleep. (An addition to this that triggered me more today was how my friend was messaged by some guy earlier who was a major creep when her brother was still in school, and had apparently forced himself on numerous women, and I was asking myself "How is he such a creep and I'm not AT ALL?" Obviously I've never straight up forced myself on anyone, but still.)