Harm OCD Perceived as Threat

TW: harm OCD & *past* suicidal ideation I am 27, and although this is my first time being treated for OCD (I had my first NOCD appointment yesterday), I was actually diagnosed when I was 11. What led to my diagnosis was traumatizing for me. I had been having intrusive thoughts of seriously harming my family. I was only 11, and I did not understand why I was having these intrusive thoughts, nor did I understand what they were; they terrified me because I had no desire to harm my family. I loved (and still do love) my family so much. I was so afraid I’d become a monstrous serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer. The thoughts and fear of myself consumed me. I decided that if I felt like I was going to act on any of these thoughts, then I’d kill myself before I’d have a chance to hurt them. It was a very distressing and terrifying time of my life. Dealing with it on my own became too much, so I finally broke down to my mom and bawled about the thoughts I was having. I was only 11, and I knew she was a retired psych nurse, so I thought she’d understand. I explained that these thoughts were scaring me, I absolutely did not want to act on them and would never act on them, and I told her that if I ever felt I was going to, I would kill myself because I couldn’t bear to hurt her or my family. I love them too much. My mom was very hurt and angry. I understand why. It’s not normal for 11-year-olds to have these thoughts. That’s when she first put me in therapy. That’s when I was first diagnosed with OCD. However, after a few sessions, mom pulled me out and my OCD was never addressed again. These past few months, I’ve been struggling with different types of OCD besides harm OCD, and it’s become too distressing, so I finally decided to get help for it on my own. Hence why I’m here. I told my Mom I was finally getting treatment for my OCD, and she didn’t recall me ever having OCD as a child, so I reminded her of the incident that prompted her to put me in therapy and get diagnosed with OCD in the first place. Mom immediately asked me, “What did I do wrong as a mother for my 11-year-old daughter to threaten to kill me and her brother?” That hurt and made me so angry. I had NEVER threatened anyone. I have never threatened anyone. The thoughts I was having as an 11-year-old were eating me alive. They were so distressing and so debilitating. I was so afraid of myself. I never wanted to act on the intrusive thoughts. I never threatened to act on them. I had simply told her I was having these thoughts and they were scaring me because I knew I didn’t want to hurt them. So, having this conversation with her at 27, I cried and told her that she completely twisted it against me — I had never threatened her or anybody. I never had intent. I didn’t even want the thoughts to begin with. I already felt like a monster as a child, and hearing her as an adult say that I threatened her and my brother (when that never happened) makes me feel even more like a monster. I’m not looking for reassurance…just sharing what happened and how I’m currently feeling about it. I am still upset. I just ended the conversation with her. I guess I’ll be bringing this up at my next OCD appointment.

Kaymo56

Date posted: 20h

Holy crap, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That was not okay of your mom. That is so awful, and so much for a child to bear. Of course, you didn’t-and still don’t - want those thoughts of wanting to hurt them. Your mom should’ve guided you, and offered support and the right resources. She should’ve gotten curious instead of furious. I know it’s hard, stressful, frustrating, and in many cases, embarrassing. But I think you’re doing the right thing coming here. There are plenty of therapists you could see that could help you process this and recommend a proper treatment plan. Additionally, there’s multiple support groups that meet throughout the week at various times. Maybe try one since they’re free, and you could get so many different perspectives and hear from other people who may be facing similar situations as you. I’m sorry, you’ve been through a lot, and it’s exhausting. I wish you the best, and hope for better things, and recovery for you

MusicalBean

Date posted: 19h

@Kaymo56 Thank you for responding. It’s relieving to be able to finally open up about these struggles with people who understand. I’ve always been open about all other aspects of my mental health (BPD, bipolar, PTSD, GAD, MDD) but never my OCD because I’ve always felt too afraid and ashamed. But it seems like I found a really good community here, and I am grateful. I actually tried joining support groups today, but the app won’t let me until after my next appointment when we further dive into my OCD. I know I’m struggling with several subtypes, but we only went over my history in my first appointment, so I’m hoping after my appointment tomorrow that I’ll have a clearer picture of what my OCD looks like and what support groups I can join! I ended up having another conversation with my mom and we both apologized. But again — thank you for responding and reaching out. I genuinely appreciate it, and I’m looking forward to what this program and app have to offer!

Steven Andrew

Date posted: 3h

I stand with you. You are not alone. I too have had similar thoughts. I’m so glad you are here getting help.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond