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Having shame from my OCD thoughts has become terrible and I’m not sure how not to

It is so hard to navigate the heart break of saying goodbye to someone for one side of them that's unhealthy, when the other side of them was so good. 💔 I am looking for advice on how to handle a back-and-forth internal fight in my heart and mind after making a major decision; for several days I can feel completely okay albeit a little sad about my choice, but then the next week I feel absolutely awful and think, "What the hell did I do?" I recently ended a very long-term relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last few years, I grew and focused on my well-being, while he remained stagnant. Though he could be affectionate, his behavior was often exhausting, performative, and controlling. He adopted (maybe unknown to him) a "toxic positivity/guru" type of persona—sometimes even policing whether or not my reactions were uplifting enough, or concise enough, etc—yet underneath the mask, I believe he is a genuinely vulnerable, lonely man who deserves compassion.I ended things firmly, sent a loving letter saying I can't be in a relationship right now, and requested no contact on phone after he was messaging me like it's any other day. Of course, it's not that I wanted to be so extreme, and I would love to get to a point where he and I can send letters or emails but I needed to draw a line. I felt secure in my choice (albeit still sad) until a massive wave of grief, sobbing, and guilt hit me yesterday. I am deeply worried about him being middle-aged and alone (he's kind of a lone wolf type of man), as I was his best friend and he doesn't have a lot of other friends in his immediate day to day life. I struggle with standard advice to "just cut off a toxic narcissist" because he wasn't just that, and I am genuinely mourning the vulnerable person beneath his complex persona. How do I navigate this intense guilt and worry for his well-being without breaking my boundaries? Any thoughts or shared experiences would be deeply appreciated.

so my partner and i have a solid relationship. we communicate pretty well (we have both had to actively work on communication skills as we have each dealt with various traumas). sometimes he says "i love you" like over and over, and of course i say it back every time. sometimes it feels excessive, either like reassurance-seeking or lovebombing. i tried bringing it up the other night and he said it is not reassurance seeking, and he seemed so hurt by it (just from his expression, but i am hypervigilant) that i sort of narrowed it down to the tone in which he says it. i said that it sometimes feels pointed or urgent, like he's only saying it to get me to say it back. he heard and understood the tone thing but that evening he still continued to say it over and over and i don't know how to explain to him that it's stressing me out without him thinking that i don't want to say it, or that him expressing affection is annoying. it just feels like a constant emotional demand - we know we love each other, but i feel like it loses meaning when it has to be said THAT much, and especially when im saying it as a compulsory response. just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar and has advice on how to explain this to him.

How to go easy on yourself about past mistakes? Hey everybody, I’m on a huge spike right now so I apologise in advance. I’ve seen a few posts here about people worrying about sensitive past events or past mistakes, and as much as I relate to these, my mind always keeps telling me that I’m the exception, that my case is worse and that something bad will happen because of that. I know that it’s a common thing to feel like you’re the exception, but whenever this feeling comes to me I have no choice but to assume it, which frightens me. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of my social media accounts got hacked 2 years ago, and even If I was able to recover my account, I still keep freaking out about it. Mainly, because that account in specific belongs to a period of time in my teenage years that I’m not proud of at all. It’s a really embarrassing topic to me, and I can’t stop overthinking about the fact that somebody else had access to the account and might eventually just expose me: and just like that my whole life will be ruined (i’m saying this because obviously, there was some private and identifying details in my private conversations). I also think that what frightens me out is that this “mistake” or phase went on for more than 2 years for sure, during my teenage years, but still. Has anybody else experienced something like this? Do you also feel like you’re the exception? It’s just so agonising to feel like this. Any tips are welcome, thank you!

I can't seem to get rid of the feeling that I have to look at a picture of a person (my sister) whenever I see her and that I automatically imagine taboo acts, because I have a feeling as soon as I see a trigger, or hear a specific voice (sound) And of course I get cramps or a feeling of false attraction..or whatever it's called..why is this happening? why can't I stop... why do I imagine it even if I know it seems real to me...☹️

Just wanted to put in a friendly PSA that to all of the people on this platform who are struggling with generalized anxiety, I strongly, strongly recommend that you seriously consider getting off of alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine. For the record, I used to love recreationally partaking in all of the above, but if you are in anxiety hell, you are almost certainly doing yourself a huge disservice if you are regularly partaking any of these substances, even in moderation. I don't want to come across as a prude, and I was guilty of this too for years and years, but more and more I'm shocked by how many people I know who are riddled with anxiety and still pound coffee/energy drinks or drink alcohol regularly or vape, etc. Sometimes it just takes someone pointing it out for the point to get across.

9 months ago my mental health crisis sky rocketed and I have been suffering and struggling since with a variety of severly increased OCD categories, but mainly Checking OCD, that has overtaken my ability to process and do a lot of things. I use to be able to function so normally (I'd check a small thing here or there, I'd straighten up a counter casually) without a lot of the struggles I am going through now - which have occured, spiked, and continues to drowningly debilitate me, After a few work related...traumas, if I may use that word. After working for a small business for 15+ years,(already in a state of despair, burnout and resentment for most parts of my job) being randomly and unprofessionally told by the owners (that were my bosses, mentors, and supposedly friends of 15 years) thst they were selling the store; which has felt like such an abandonment, jumped ship, thrown to the wolves feeling & that on top of that a category of service our store provides that is disgustingly drowning and has left me so beyond burntout and depressed and triggering more OCD snowballs. I have never experienced anything like I have been going through these past 9 months. Checking OCD keeps causing multiple relapses of compulsions and rituals, delaying and inhibiting fun, function, life, etc;, and seeing the ridiculousness of it but completely inable to face and overcome it. Because the trigger spiked and skyrocketed with work. And always continues and spikes when I think about work, come to work, or have to do the jobs that are triggers that I hate. A place I am at for 40+ hours a week. A very high paced, high stress, demanding atmosphere, that to begin with doesn't align entirely with my career goals and abilities, or a lot of it hardly aligns or meets my morals or lifestyle. And while I am completely grateful to have a job and one for so long, I want to be done. I am fed up. I want a happy healthy work environment doing something I am truly passionate about and excell at and not waste my abilities or talents halfassed-like in a work place where it's only a small percent of what they accommodate due to the wasteful demads of society, the world, and big corporations. There's no time, space or ability here to even begin to heal and or begin to try to get better. The new owner doesn't seem to care about my situation or even coworkers situations. No new employees hired to help with the rush. Only all these changes to ownership and then soon the store will have to be remodled and then at somepoint we will have to be open on Sundays. How am I supposed to get better when there's no support or time allowed or assistance from work in any way or anything. I dream of a fun work from home Graphic Designer Illustrator job, where I can have time to heal and get heathier and to be doing something I love and am passionate about thay actually means something and helps the world in some way. So hello to all who have read my nutshell of a journey. I desperately want to get better and heal and get back to normal. Putting myself out there like this is really hard. But to know and see how many others struggling with the realm of OCD gives me enlightenment and hope and courage. If anyone has tips or information for ERP with Checking OCD, I appreciate to hear your thoughts. Thank you and I hope you have a strong day.

It’s been a year of me driving so far, I finally got my license, and absolutely nothing has improved. I still am borderline panicking everytime I’m on the road, and I make enough foolish mistakes that I feel like I’m lucky to have escaped unscathed every drive. I haven’t even driven alone yet. I wish my family would honor my fears and help me navigate life without needing to drive, but they stopped driving me to work and so I had to quit my job a year ago to get a license (I respect it, but mind you work was only five minutes away. I could’ve started driving lessons while working, but they didn’t want that so now I’ve been out of work for a year). This feels like my achilles heel, where it’s only a matter of WHEN the worst outcome happens. I genuinely think not everyone is cut out for driving. I’d rather move to a city for public transport than deal with driving everyday. Not even therapy has helped me with this.

I’ve been on a thought-spiral, rumination loop for the past couple days or so. I went to bed last night feeling fine, coming off the day/day before of constant rumination, then I woke up this morning feeling fine, and then as the morning has gone on, I’ve fell back into a rumination loop about harm ocd and relationship ocd. I also feel sometimes like things need to be ‘just right’. Just venting and hoping to connect with others for supporting each other.

I feel a lot of extreme guilt for using ai a lot this year when I was spiraling bad with OCD and bdd this year I haven’t used it in a while and plan on never touching it again but was wondering what I could do to help the environment this summer? I work 6 days a week so I’m usually pretty self interested n lazy a lot of the time but I wanna give back more this summer sorry if this is a silly question

I was at a restaurant and I got a very horrible thought about my dad and it was a what if my dad does something bad to me or to someone and I felt scared and I felt so much tension in my body and then I got another horrible thought that said what if I get scared of my dad to the point where I do something bad and the I started panicking even more. I felt so much tension in my face, my neck, my shoulders, and chest and it was restless it felt like if I was going to do something bad and it felt like a desire and I felt scared of my dad, the next day these thoughts was triggered due to a dream I am getting new thoughts of a loved one hurting another loved one due to the dream followed by the other scary thought. I feel very overwhelmed right now and I am very scared is this ocd?

Does anybody else feel like someone will eventually bring their past mistakes or embarrassing secrets up and everything will go to waste? Everybody makes mistakes, yes, but I have a hard time accepting mine, specially when those happened during my teenage years/young adulthood and they went on for an extended period of time. For me it's like, it doesn't matter how hard I try or what I achieve: someone will bring up my past mistakes and just like that my whole life will go to waste: no job opportunities, no partner, no friends, no nothing. Does anybody else feel like this? How did you manage to control these thoughts? Any tips? Thank you :).

today was a really exhausting day especially mentally, it started off pretty good but then it just started to hit me randomly throughout the day and my mood became more and more down and outright grumpy to everyone around me but to me it was extreme frustration and there was nothing i could do about it because i just wanted to clean what i needed to clean, shower, and go to bed. i was triggered though, by something specific so i know where the panic and anxiety came from but it's so exhausting and i'm really really sick of it and the fact that nobody i know can help me because it isn't possible for them to understand the extent of it and pass the stereotypes of OCD but also the frustration that the person i need the most can't understand or even realise that there's something genuinely wrong with me and as much as i want to talk to her, it's really difficult for me and i'm not sure why because i can talk about it to my friends and i suppose on here too but idk and im sat here ranting now with a headache from crying and that's probably tmi but yeah it makes me feel a lot better being able get out everything i can't say in real life, especially anonymously to strangers online who actually do understand the fear and anxiety as it makes me feel slightly less alone although i don't wish this burden on anyone as it's truly a long nightmare that just keeps coming back. i apologise to anyone reading this with how long it is (you wouldn't believe the amount compulsions i experienced throughout this or maybe you do) anyways im probably gonna go watch law and order: svu (my favourite show ever) and i hope everything is going well for anyone reading this and that this makes you feel less alone hopefully <3.

so i've been through countless therapists atp. i have ocd, adhd, anxiety, depression, and chronic illness, and am almost certainly autistic (i am being officially evaluated next month). no therapist has really been equipped to handle the complexity of everything im dealing with and ive spent hours and hours going through therapist profiles in the past. i've been seeing a LCSW for a few months, and honestly she is putting no effort into actually treating me. basically they are just venting sessions, which is still cathartic sometimes, but we are not actively getting to the bottom of any of my issues. then again, my nervous system is already so overloaded and exhausted all the time from being chronically ill that i don't know if i have the capacity to get into deep processing of trauma right now, or whether that would be a wise choice. i think the only way im going to get a proper therapist at this point is if i choose someone who's not in-network with insurance, which of course is stupid expensive and i already have such high medical costs. i've been in therapy on and off for many years and have spent most of my life trying to "improve myself" and resolve my issues and while meditation is finally starting to help, there is still so much going on and im just not really sure what to do anymore. should i keep my current sessions just to have a space for venting, or is that actually worth $40/month? is it better than paying $200/session to actually make progress? i'm just so tired.

Constantly thinking your partner is cheating or will cheat or has cheated and you missed it. Or that you’re on the wrong path, you aren’t with the person that was Gods will for you. I obsssess over if he is talking to other women on his phone, and then ask for reassurance, and then feel guilty and apologize, and then the urge to accuse or check or say something comes back again. It’s ruining everything. And I’m sad

Hey everybody, this is my first time posting in here! I've been in here for quite a bit now but now that I've got some courage I'll ask something I genuinely can't figure out myself. Two years ago, I fell victim to an online scam and one of my social media accounts got compromised. Apparently, the hack of this goal was to get money out of the victim so they could get their account back: luckily enough I refused to pay and I was able to recover my account thanks to the platform's support team. Roughly two years have passed with no signal that there's an active threat coming from that compromise, and I was able to simply move on. However, recently, this event came back to my mind and it's been making me lose my mind. The thing here is that I had private chats with some close friends, and as you might guess, there was some sensitive personal information in those chats (nothing like bank-related information, but still). The thing here is that during the compromise, they technically had access to those chats and everything in my account. Years later, this event is bothering me again. I'm asking this because I've never dealt with something like this and I can't genuinely tell if this is real event OCD. Has anybody experienced something similar? Does anybody have any tips? Thank you all!

so i was in a relationship in the past that, i was married. it was really intense and up and down and we ended up getting a divorce, i struggled a lot with ROCD in that relationship too. A LOT. it put a damper on things. anyways, around 6 months of massive healing and moving to another state, i met someone who's amazing and now we live together. it's been almost a year. it's AMAZING. i never thought id be happy again. my OCD went away. but lately it's been creeping back in, i have thoughts that its not "deep enough" and maybe i've settled. but im happy. i'm so calm. ive never felt calm in a relationship EVER. and i do with him. but what if it's not enough, what if im meant to just be single. like i'm not meant to have any romantic relationship. that thought makes me so sad. and in every past relationship when i've had ROCD it ended up being true. so what if it's true again. i feel so lost and that im going to ruin things with him. i don't want to do that.

I’m really struggling at the moment and was wondering if anyone can relate or has any advice. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about things I don’t actually want to think about. They’re usually disturbing, uncomfortable, or sometimes sexist thoughts that don’t reflect how I really feel. The problem is that I feel an overwhelming urge to tell someone about them, usually my boyfriend or my mom. It’s almost like I can’t relax until I’ve said the thought out loud. Once I tell them, the thought feels “neutralized” and the anxiety around it goes away for a while. I find it extremely difficult to resist this urge, but at the same time I feel so ashamed that I’m even having these thoughts in the first place. Has anyone else experienced something similar? What do you do to cope with these thoughts without having to confess them to someone? Are there any techniques or strategies that have helped you?

does anybody literally fear that they will be arrested for something? like there was a few things like 7 or 8 years ago that I have been in terror that I'll be arrested for and publicly humiliated. and then something when I was a kid that I can't remember happened for sure. like I haven't had an police contact me or any notifications or development in those stories but it feels so vivid that any day could be my last. and I can't focus as work or make any plans because I'm about to move and I want to be excited for it but I just feel dread that my life will be over. and I spend hours researching and trying to remember and looking at the laws around it.

I currently can't afford treatment on this platform, and I can't seek "traditional treatment" like seeing a therapist in person. The situation with my insurance is a little complicated at the moment. I basically have to pay for everything that's not handled locally myself. I can't seek therapy for it because it would have negative consequences for me. (These consequences have nothing to do with OCD; they're related to employment and education.) What options do I have? My OCD is unbearable sometimes, and I'm not sure what I can do to manage it. I've read self-help books and tried other things like that. On top of that, I've tried 50 mg of Zoloft, but that didn't help. I managed to get it from my doctor without being diagnosed with OCD. My OCD did not improve while I was on Zoloft. I combined it with ERP, but it didn't work. Of course, I did ERP myself–I don't have access to healthcare of that sort. I was on Zoloft for over half a year. I know that self-directed ERP isn't ideal, but that's the only option I've had so far. It doesn't really work for me. It gets too difficult, and then I give up. I don't want to start it and not do it properly.