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I’m sobbing so much . Idk what to do anymore about a situation. I can’t tell if I’m being irrational or not . 😭😭. Ik asking for reassurance is bad but I’m genuinely wondering if a situation is a concern or not I can’t tell . I had posted it a few days ago . About pocd about my bf .

When I was about 14 I discovered masturbation. I was watching (more like listening honestly) to kink videos. I began to discover my thing for vore and just general obesity. I discovered "digestion" sound videos. Its hard for me to admit, but a remember a few of these videos being simulated roleplays of vore, involving children, and the sounds of babies crying. As well as videos of pregnant women. Im assuming these fell under the "pregnancy kink" since those were the labels and titles. I can't quite remember what my logic was, but I continued to watch these videos. If I remember correctly I would just try and ignore those specific noises. But I also remember that after moving away from those videos i began to convince I was enjoying it, specifically for those noises. I felt I needed to confess. I called my best friend at the tine, and my then partner. And confessed. As though i did enjoy it. Both looked uncomfortable but told me they were proud of me for sharing and proud that I didnt engage with that anymore. Looking back now as someone in their 20s, apart of me feels revolted, and that what I was engaging with was indeed...CP. But another worries this is some kind of ocd thing. That im not...a pedo. I also have a severe paranoia about others finding out, or the two people I told telling others. Its to the point where im even afraid to admit this event. It eats at me I put false memory ocd because I genuinely don't remember if I liked those videos at the time, but I know for sure that I confessed as if I did.

Does anyone know any exposures for harm ocd and isolation??

ive been struggling with really bad OCD for years by now. ill be as brief as I can. at the end of 2022 I had a friend who I was really close with, I didn't know exactly how I felt for him ( I talked it out with my gf, she told me we could break up if I wanted to and I told her no), at the time i chalked it up as OCD symptoms making me feel confused about my feelings for him, which was even more confusing since I'm a lesbian lol so I started questioning my sexuality as well. we would make tons of sexual jokes and we were really affectionate and we cherished eachother a lot. after a while it passed and I knew I saw him as just a friend, nothing more. now, in the summer of 2024 I abruptly started wondering if I had cheated on my gf with him, I couldn't remember ANYTHING at all and to make matters worse it wasn't about physically cheating but what my intention was when we would make those sexual jokes. I reread all our old texts and I concluded I never cheated, even tho I still wasn't a 100% sure of my intentions I couldn't remember anything. I told myself I shouldn't have made those jokes because even tho I didnt cheat I didnt find it appropriate that i acted like that considering how confused I was, I told my gf everything and she said it was okay and it wasn't a big deal at all. still, I kept feeling extremely anxious, even if I couldn't find any proof of wrongdoing. with time I still couldn't find any solid proof of cheating, but I started having a weird hunch/intuition that something DID happen, I just forgot about it. at the end of 2025 I started spiraling completely, I felt more and more convinced I had cheated and I had suddenly remembered I had bad intentions in two specific conversations, even if I didn't remember it all before. then I started calming down a bit, and then I got worse again. after a while those two specific conversations ( which I talked about with my gf) didn't make me feel as anxious anymore, and I found another conversation with a much more solid memory of a bad intention surrounding it. so now this is basically where im at. I do feel really convinced I cheated most of the time, but I do find the timeline really confusing. like, I don't think ( even tho I'm not a 100% sure ) I remember feeling guilty or ever thinking I had cheated before 2024, so, if this memory really is true, it would mean that I would have cheated in 2022 and COMPLETELY forget about it/ suppressed it in the span of a couple of months ( since I don't remember feeling guilty of having cheated in 2023) to SUCH A DEGREE where I couldn't even remember it in 2024 when I actively looked for a bad intention, only to remember it at the end of 2025/beginning of 2026. or, it would mean that I just didn't understand I was cheating, I didn't realise I was making a terrible mistake, but like it would mean that I'm a really dumb person and sure ok I don't think I'm that smart but then again why didnt I remember it in 2024 when I first saw that conversation?? I just find it confusing and kind of weird but the memory seems so deeply real to me and I feel like I straight up remember it happening idk. but like I can't really remember feeling guilty at the time, but I do remember a weird sensation, but like it wasn't there at first I had to think about it a bit, and like it's been so long so it's completely plausible that I just don't remember anymore. i find it genuinely possible that I forgot about all of it just to remember it like four years later. I don't know, this is so confusing to me but it also seems like the answer is in front of me and what makes the most logical sense ( considering I have a memory) is that it happened, point blank. my gf thinks it's all OCD and that I didn't cheat, i haven't talked to her about this last situation, she specifically asked me not to and to deal with it with my therapist. I stopped talking to this friend but once I did explain the situation to him and he said it's clearly my OCD. idk

Idk if this is a ocd theme but it's something I've been thinking for years and I have this doubt about it. I luv Elvis Presley a lot and I can't help but feeling that sometimes I don't deserve being a fan, like, sometimes I feel like I'm not THAT obsessed with him and that I need to be more and more obsessed with him in order to be a true fan. That feeling worsens when I forget things about him that everyone in the fandom knows, I have thoughts like "You're just a poser" "you shouldn't be in this fandom" It's not that of a big deal but it bothers me because it makes me feel so false (?) :/ Does anyone have this thoughs/feelings too with the things their love or with their hyperfixations? I'm curious to hear that I'm not the only one 💔💔(I'm sorry If this isn't ocd related, I just had the doubt)

It became a tradition coming back here once a year to read my own old posts. Actually I have changed a lot. I am now a person who has a job, goes to collage with straight A’s (trying for it this semester too) and is trying to live the Life to fullest by keeping the right people next to her. Meanwhile I still cannot get over some things you know? Its just so damn hard sometimes to live with OCD. When I was younger it was definitely worse. But now as a 20 yo it became kind of something that I can control but that still freaks me out you know? So recently i switched majors from computer science to business. Why i did that was because i was trying to get a job with 4 years of experience with coding and a huge portfolio but here we are nobody needs a developer when ai can do it. I was so stressed out because of it for months guys. Then after thinking for days and doing research decided that I am a pretty active person and wanna choose something where i can think creatively and grow. I chose business. And yet i had no idea that people lowkey make fun of that major lmao, what the heck? And it made me feel so hesitant even tho i was feeling relieved that i made a decision. Seriously just because a random stupid guy with his gf who don’t know who they are in this life and are in bio chem just told me that business is so cringe and i was like- well now everyone gotta be in bio chem or what like… but the worst is that it actually made me hesitant! And recently i have been so drained because of my exams and friendship break ups and getting a drivers license, and here is my dad complaining that “she doesn’t wanna do anything”. With my head and logic i know that i do a lot. I work and have my own money, i study, i try my best but it feels like people never get enough? With my head i understand that i am doing ok, but when a person close to me says something like that, pressures me into growing and “trying” when i just finally settled for some time and font wanna rush is just freaking me out actually 😭 and I am thinking about it the whole week now and i need a goddamn break atp. Whoever read this, thanks for your time!

Lesbian? I think…I feel like more of a trans man but won’t transition bc I’ve heard hrt can change ur sexual orientation (different story for a different time but I’ve wondered if denying myself of transition due to fear of liking guys might just be a huge compulsion) anyways, I’ve always found men gross and never understood attraction to them but now, I am getting tons of fantasies about men and lots of curiosity but I HATE it. It repulses me and makes me deeply anxious and upset, yet it turns me on. Like, I’ll get extremely turned on by fantasies of men and will get off to them but then afterwards I’m so bothered by that. It seems like genuine curiousity about what being w a guy is like but I’m not happy about that bc I find men so unappealing in terms of looks…Help me. I do not want to like men. I’m also not doing compulsions the way I used to when I had my first round w orientation ocd years ago which is truly freaking me out bc that means I’m rlly becoming attracted to men now. Before w my orientation ocd, it didn’t feel like genuine curiosity but now, it feels like I am actually curious bc when I fantasize I get strong urges to try things w a man but once I get off i realize I don’t truly wanna do that and I was just turned on. Idk what to do. I’ll be rlly not okay if my sexuality changes.

I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... and that I'll be cancelled and arrested later in life because of all of this... I have genuinely never felt more alone in my life than this particular moment right here... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting...

This is my first time reaching out for support on this in an honest manner, I'm in my 20s and I'm only just starting to receive psychiatric support the past few months, but it’s been slow on any diagnoses for any of my concerns. I have a loved one (a QPP) in the hospital, and he has called me everyday. Today, he asked a favor of me to get another number for him from a friend, and then told me he was going to sleep. Afterwards, I found out he got the number from someone else right after.. my mind is going to the worst, but now that I'm in my adulthood & more educated, I feel like this might be a compulsion. Could it be? In our teens I would do this alot, I would always feel like he is "lying" to me and I realize now I may be making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, even though it feels so distressing and worrisome.. I am realizing now maybe I shouldn't bring it up, that I could be seeking reassurance from him to encourage that compulsion, even though it would make me feel better for him to "fix it." Please help me identify this habit if you can.

I have never been diagnosed with OCD but when things aren’t put away or things look and feel messy and dirty it send me into an angry and stressed state and this has only been within the last 5 years. I have gone to the doctors and explained everything to them and no diagnosis and they dismissed me. Everyone says I have it but I’m not too sure. Is this OCD? If so how can I avoid getting angry and frustrated towards my partner when things are messy and things aren’t put away in the right places?

Just popping in, it’s been a really rough 2 weeks for me. OCD is raging. Context: one of my main compulsions is confessing & reassurance seeking. Bc of this combo, talking / opening up to others about my obsessions can be tricky, bc there’s a fine line till it turns into me seeking reassurance :/ I’m feeling very lonely lately, I’ve been reading many posts on here about everyone dealing with their things. Thought someone might relate to how I’m feeling… the loneliness, the wishing it would just stop. The Not wanting to be the “mentally ill friend” so I don’t tell people what I’m dealing with But then I have no one when it gets bad. Just a silent battle. As we know some weeks are better than others. Hope anyone that’s reading this is okay <3

Long silence, then crying over something trivial🌷.

I spoke to my therapist yesterday like I mentioned in past posts, I was unable to complete the testing but got the majority of the way through it. From what I've gathered, my therapist believes my symptoms are CPTSD and that a diagnosis of OCD would be a disservice to me as the treatment would only be beneficial in the short term. I do not think I agree with him. I do not have trauma surrounding every obsession I have, not even most of them. I can understand his logic behind some of them, but not all. He also seems to have ignored certain obsessions, focusing only on contamination and health related obsessions, and ignoring somatic obsessions/compulsions which are the ones that bring me the most distress and take up most of my time, which I emphasized to him. I understand CPTSD is complex and can show up as many things, and I do not disagree that that may be part of my mental health challenges, but I found his logic dismissive and wonder if I should seek a second opinion from someone who specializes in OCD.

When you get this badge NOCD invites you to look back on the changes you’ve noticed on your recovery journey and share them with our community. I want to share some things I’ve learned. I guess the change I want to share is I’ve done and am doing the hard things and can offer advice now rather than feeling hopeless alone scared and lost. I’m glad I’m still here if I’m brutally honest because at first I didn’t know what was going on and just knew I couldn’t continue to live like that. So thank you me, NOCD, this community, my wife and daughter, etc. First, you’re the expert on you - you’re the only one inside your body who knows what’s going on inside you - so advocate for yourself. I know trusting yourself at first feels impossible and with OCD is more complicated but it is a process so as you grow more confident know that you can change your therapist by contacting member advocates, your hierarchy - talk with your therapist, seek recovery information in support groups etc, medication under a provider’s guidance may need adjusting too. I thought these things were set in stone for a while but they’re dynamic and can change throughout the process just like you do. Second, when you reach conqueror status you’re going to have a lot of feelings and questions about it. For instance, I think we’re afraid sometimes to say feeling nervous about a big change is normal because we care about and don’t want to reassure each other. However I think it’s not ocd when it’s a normal thing to be nervous about, it’s human and it is a big change. OCD can latch onto it like anything else but being nervous isn’t always OCD. Remember to live in the gray not black and white. Third, living the B- (good enough not OCD perfect) ERP lifestyle is good for future you and to continue all the progress you’re making here. So when it gets hard ask yourself “is it worth facing the fear for you?” And I hope that answer is yes. I have come to think of it as a way of taking care of myself now as weird as it sounds (facing the fear). And therapists don’t all get trained in ACT but utilize the blog posts here like: https://www.treatmyocd.com/search/Value Because in my opinion ERP in it’s own without the values over fears piece is like climbing Mt. Everest without any climbing gear or a coat. Find your why for doing ERP. it helps you choose your values over your fears on those really tough daeys It’s been hard 2 take in this badge. I know it’s an accomplishment and I’m proud of myself. The reality is I’m having a bit of a spike this week so of course OCD has something to say about the truth and validity of this. It’s a little hard to take in also because I’m getting used to a new autism adhd late diagnosis and life stresses. But to myself and all of us I want to say congrats and keep up doing the hard work! “It’s a beautiful day to do hard things.” (Kimberly Quinlan) and like I learned from Mackenzie and Alex in support groups “you got this.”

My OCD has been horrible lately because I dropped out of college (it was a field I didn't want to be involved in anymore, and I burned out) and had to move back home after 8 years of barely surviving (I moved out at 16, which was a bad idea to begin with but I digress). One of my biggest themes is independence and doing things perfectly, so you can imagine how triggering my situation is. I'm slowly easing into taking university courses online at the moment and education is another theme of mine, so even more triggers there. I think I'm getting better at identifying thought loops, detaching from them and accepting uncertainty (or in my case imperfection and unpreparedness). Even if it's uncomfortable and scary I don't want to keep letting ocd control me. It burned me out once, I don't want it to happen again. The OCD has been so severe for about two-three years now where I get awful muscle cramps and heart palpitations from it. Even if I can disengage from the thought cycles I often end up with excruciating pain in my arms, shoulders and sometimes my legs. Sometimes it even turns into groinal responses and I start having stabbing pain in that area. The only way to make it stop for me is to fully uproot myself and go lay down in bed. I was just playing some games at my desk, trying my best to "I don't care" all the thought loops that kept popping up + gently focus on the game instead of whatever nonsense my brain was recycling. I managed pretty well all things considered, but the muscle tension took me out. If anyone has any advice on managing muscle tension in particular, I'd like to hear.

Hello friends! I am having a rough day today anticipating my therapy session because we have had about a week since my last on and I have not done any exposures in that time. I’m feeling very disappointed in myself and afraid of my therapist being disappointed too. There was nothing all that different about this week and making time for exposures has always been hard for me. Contrary to the OCD stereotype, I have very little self-imposed routine, either healthy or unhealthy. My days are structured almost entirely by external factors like work and seeing my fiance daily. Even my bedtime and wake up times are inconsistent and messy at best. I don’t know if that is caused by OCD or if I have other things affecting me, but not doing the things I intend to do (like exposures or other things that take effort and focus) makes me feel really down about myself. I want to know if anyone else has this issue and how you overcome it. I struggle a lot with doing tasks without stimulation (Youtube/TV) or external pressure, even simple things like getting ready for bed. I would love any advice you all can give on this!

hey guys, it’s been a while since I posted. I need some help right now. I’m crying because I made a stupid fucking action earlier. there was a (what I assume) stray cat outside my garage & my brother let me know. we went to go look at it & it was meowing a bit. I eventually fed it & then picked up the can once it was done. my dumbass was curious to see if they could smell the cat bc I saw a few hair strings attached to the can so I set it down on the floor. my boy sniffed it & was just examining. I grabbed my girl to sniff it & she then started growling. my fucking stupid ass was like “oh?” & watched her sniff it again & that’s when she freaked out & lashed on my boy and they fought & it was scary. my brother and I separated them & they fought again when my boy came into my room as my girl was in there. I’m so scared. I’m regretting ever doing that. I’ve been looking online for ways to make it better. I think I have to officially reintroduce them bc it was a nasty fight. the stray cat is black and my boy is also black. so I think my girl either thinks my boy is the stray but what has me confused is that my brother goes to his friend’s house often and the friend has a cat. he usually comes back home with that cat’s fur and cuddles with our cats and nothing has happened. I’m guessing it has to do w/ that stray cat that roams around the neighborhood sometimes. I grabbed a sock from my drawer and gently opened my bedroom door to rub my boy & let my girl sniff it. nothing happened. she was fine. I rubbed the sock on my girl and let my boy sniff. nothing happened. my boy rlly wanted to enter and so I was vigilant and he was walking slow into the room. my girl was grooming herself on my bed. she noticed him and he saw her. then she started growling again and my boy sprinted out the room. I’ve been looking at posts on reddit & this is prolly called “redirected aggression” & it’s all my fault. I’m scared they won’t ever get along. they weren’t besties but they weren’t fighting 24/7. they tolerated each other ig. I have photos of them sleeping together. they groom each other. but sometimes they might swat at each other afterwards. i’m so scared I messed up their relationship. looking at the posts online, a couple people have had to rehome their cats bc some wouldn’t get along. I’m thinking of talking to a cat behaviorist to help me out bc I’m scared. so many thoughts. the thought of rehoming either of them is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to do. I have class tomorrow but I’m over here stressing at 4 am. I’m trying to calm down. anything but rehoming. please, I want them to be ok. it can take a month but please, I don’t want to let either of them go. i’m gonna put a youtube video on to help me relax. as far as I’ve had them, they are sweet babies. they don’t fight all the time. I’ve been lacking lately on not giving them stimulation bc of fucking rumination. but I’m not gonna let it happen again. I’m gonna be there for them. it’s fucking hard when dealing with fatigue but I will do it for them. god, I just hope for the best. I feel like a bad cat mama. this is my first time and I feel like a wreck. I don’t want to ruminate on these thoughts right now. too much. my girl is on my bed and my boy is sleeping out in the living room unfortunately. but it’s for the best right now. I want to sleep well even though this happened. literally, we sort of have a morning routine and they don’t fight every time they see each other. ugh. I will go sleep now. will put a youtube video on. sweet dreams everyone 🫂

Settle in and buckle up😊 THANK YOU for reading about my journey with exposure therapy for the last 2 years! I hope that you are able to see a bit of yourself in my story and that this brings you excitement and hope for what’s to come in your own journey❤️ Before I started treatment, my world was a very small place. I was house bound for over a month, wasn’t able to feed myself most days, couldn’t think clearly enough to succeed at work or hold a conversation, was isolated from all of my friends and loved ones and was trapped in my own head unless I was sleeping or inebriated. I had never felt more alone, was crying/having panic attacks every morning, and nobody knew that I was struggling. As a 25 year old woman with extreme people pleasing, I was an EXPERT at pretending to be ok.. IYKYK😉 There was very little that didn’t terrify me and things that had once brought me joy didn’t even feel like an option for me anymore. I got to the point where I didn’t even want more for myself because I truly couldn’t see a path to get there. It felt silly to wish for that. I had fully accepted that a life of comfort through extreme avoidance was all that was left for me. Over the last 2 years of exposure therapy, the biggest thing I’ve continued to prove to myself over and over again is that the world is not a scary place that I need to hide from and that I am WAY stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. This was not a smooth journey by any means… I’ve had just as many downs as ups and there will be more challenging times ahead with every new life transition. But throughout this whole time, I’ve learned to be patient with myself and my OCD. Every single time you prove yourself wrong, you build that muscle. That muscle doesn’t go away regardless of whether you have setbacks or feel like you’re regressing on paper at times💪🏼💪🏼 I’ve learned to think of my intrusive thoughts as a separate person (Jessica): an overbearing and overprotective roommate living in my head that I had to learn how to coexist with. She’s got serious boundary issues and has a messed up way of showing that she “cares about me”. I used to fight what she’d tell me with compulsions, immediately act on every doubt she put in my head, and fully entertain every worry she expressed to me as though it was fact. She really knew how to get to me where it hurt the most. I realized that she’s not all powerful and all knowing and that she (my intrusive thoughts) doesn’t deserve my time, energy and attention. When she pulls the fire alarm in my brain, instead of immediately thinking 🚨EMERGENCY🚨, I’m able to notice her acting up without emotion and can hear her out without covering my ears, usually roll my eyes, say “thanks for the input”, and then carry on with what I was doing. 👉🏻THE ONLY WAY I WAS ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE FIRE ALARM WASN’T REAL WAS BY RETRAINING MYSELF THROUGH EXPOSURE THERAPY. Don’t get me wrong, the intrusive thoughts still pop up in sneaky and different ways, but its second nature to identify them and NOTHING Jessica says can get a rise out of me like it used to. THAT is TRUE POWER. I don’t feed my OCD anymore and my intrusive thoughts have grown quieter and far less talkative. This has left a lot more room for me to rediscover some of the things that used to bring me joy: like hosting, socializing, and bringing new people together. I’ve also been able to push myself in the ways I want to and have discovered new things I’d never imagined I’d be capable of doing or would enjoy. Here are JUST A FEW of the things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be able to say: ✅I can enjoy the warm weather and feel the sun on my skin. ✅I can go to swimming/to a pool party. ✅I can wear outfits that bring me joy AND what I’m most comfortable in. ✅I am able to go on bad dates (and some good ones!!). ✅I am able to have sex with new partners. ✅I can host people in my space again without anxiety. ✅I can go dancing and try new things with friends. ✅I can say yes to spontaneous plans and do what I want to without needing to plan/prep around my compulsions. ✅I can and have made new friends. ✅I truly like where I live and don’t avoid certain spaces in my house. ✅I can make a joke, assert a boundary, and say whatever comes to mind without the fear of hurting others. ✅I’m not afraid of having kids one day (due to post partum OCD) ✅I am confident in myself, my sexuality, my values, and my worth as a person, regardless of what my OCD or anyone else tells me. The last one has become truly UNSHAKABLE for me. Over the last 2 months, I’ve gone through some of THE MOST uncertain moments of my life in which many of my worst fears actually did come true‼️but because of the past 2 years of hard work, I’ve been so much more equipped to handle these situations as they come, lean into the uncertainty, and habituate through the discomfort. Despite all of these setbacks, I’ve truly conquered my OCD and know without a doubt that you can as well. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you!! I hope this resonated with you… I didn’t recognize I was making significant progress until about a year into this, so keep it up regardless of where you’re at. Let my story be evidence that it does get better🫶🏻

I just hope someone finds the time to respond... I genuinely feel so lost right now... UPDATE: My ex and I broke up nearly 3 weeks ago... so... the girlfriend thing is outdated... and I'm so exhausted... plus I got assaulted at my job as a caretaker by a member, my supervisor wants to fire me and constantly talks behind my back, and i have no one close who i can talk to... today I turned in my notice... my supervisor said "fantastic" and "talk to you later" in a clearly sarcastic and vindictive manner... im struggling with a lot... yesterday was my last day... and... everything feels... just... wrong... With my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ graphic HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person because of politics... I vented to her a second time because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards kids or teens in any way... 😭😭😭 And I keep getting intrusive thoughts of calling the 14-15 year old "cute" with her saying "thanks" on text... I genuinely find this so awful and disgusting...

Im not my best friends best friend. He said he doesn't really do that but im definitely top 3. Him saying that made me feel like im being stabbed. I can't help but wonder if I picked a bad best friend or if oir relationship is unhealthy. My ROCD is now a hot hot mess and therapy I just had therapy so I can't deal with it there until next week. Please help! My heart hurts really bad!