TAKING MY LIFE BACK: 2 years with diagnosed OCD

Settle in and buckle up😊 THANK YOU for reading about my journey with exposure therapy for the last 2 years! I hope that you are able to see a bit of yourself in my story and that this brings you excitement and hope for what’s to come in your own journey❤️ Before I started treatment, my world was a very small place. I was house bound for over a month, wasn’t able to feed myself most days, couldn’t think clearly enough to succeed at work or hold a conversation, was isolated from all of my friends and loved ones and was trapped in my own head unless I was sleeping or inebriated. I had never felt more alone, was crying/having panic attacks every morning, and nobody knew that I was struggling. As a 25 year old woman with extreme people pleasing, I was an EXPERT at pretending to be ok.. IYKYK😉 There was very little that didn’t terrify me and things that had once brought me joy didn’t even feel like an option for me anymore. I got to the point where I didn’t even want more for myself because I truly couldn’t see a path to get there. It felt silly to wish for that. I had fully accepted that a life of comfort through extreme avoidance was all that was left for me. Over the last 2 years of exposure therapy, the biggest thing I’ve continued to prove to myself over and over again is that the world is not a scary place that I need to hide from and that I am WAY stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. This was not a smooth journey by any means… I’ve had just as many downs as ups and there will be more challenging times ahead with every new life transition. But throughout this whole time, I’ve learned to be patient with myself and my OCD. Every single time you prove yourself wrong, you build that muscle. That muscle doesn’t go away regardless of whether you have setbacks or feel like you’re regressing on paper at times💪🏼💪🏼 I’ve learned to think of my intrusive thoughts as a separate person (Jessica): an overbearing and overprotective roommate living in my head that I had to learn how to coexist with. She’s got serious boundary issues and has a messed up way of showing that she “cares about me”. I used to fight what she’d tell me with compulsions, immediately act on every doubt she put in my head, and fully entertain every worry she expressed to me as though it was fact. She really knew how to get to me where it hurt the most. I realized that she’s not all powerful and all knowing and that she (my intrusive thoughts) doesn’t deserve my time, energy and attention. When she pulls the fire alarm in my brain, instead of immediately thinking 🚨EMERGENCY🚨, I’m able to notice her acting up without emotion and can hear her out without covering my ears, usually roll my eyes, say “thanks for the input”, and then carry on with what I was doing. 👉🏻THE ONLY WAY I WAS ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE FIRE ALARM WASN’T REAL WAS BY RETRAINING MYSELF THROUGH EXPOSURE THERAPY. Don’t get me wrong, the intrusive thoughts still pop up in sneaky and different ways, but its second nature to identify them and NOTHING Jessica says can get a rise out of me like it used to. THAT is TRUE POWER. I don’t feed my OCD anymore and my intrusive thoughts have grown quieter and far less talkative. This has left a lot more room for me to rediscover some of the things that used to bring me joy: like hosting, socializing, and bringing new people together. I’ve also been able to push myself in the ways I want to and have discovered new things I’d never imagined I’d be capable of doing or would enjoy. Here are JUST A FEW of the things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be able to say: ✅I can enjoy the warm weather and feel the sun on my skin. ✅I can go to swimming/to a pool party. ✅I can wear outfits that bring me joy AND what I’m most comfortable in. ✅I am able to go on bad dates (and some good ones!!). ✅I am able to have sex with new partners. ✅I can host people in my space again without anxiety. ✅I can go dancing and try new things with friends. ✅I can say yes to spontaneous plans and do what I want to without needing to plan/prep around my compulsions. ✅I can and have made new friends. ✅I truly like where I live and don’t avoid certain spaces in my house. ✅I can make a joke, assert a boundary, and say whatever comes to mind without the fear of hurting others. ✅I’m not afraid of having kids one day (due to post partum OCD) ✅I am confident in myself, my sexuality, my values, and my worth as a person, regardless of what my OCD or anyone else tells me. The last one has become truly UNSHAKABLE for me. Over the last 2 months, I’ve gone through some of THE MOST uncertain moments of my life in which many of my worst fears actually did come true‼️but because of the past 2 years of hard work, I’ve been so much more equipped to handle these situations as they come, lean into the uncertainty, and habituate through the discomfort. Despite all of these setbacks, I’ve truly conquered my OCD and know without a doubt that you can as well. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you!! I hope this resonated with you… I didn’t recognize I was making significant progress until about a year into this, so keep it up regardless of where you’re at. Let my story be evidence that it does get better🫶🏻