Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Honestly, I’ve had an awful week. I spent several hours googling, had a few anxiety attacks, and several breakup urges. I feel miserable. I’m not really sure what to do because I feel like I’m in too deep of a pit to recover.

My friends told me that they don’t think I should be with my boyfriend anymore and it would be wise for us to break up. They looked back over the past 6 months of us and him being in recovery from a porn addiction and they said they see a different me because of it and the relationship isn’t healthy anymore. Now I am freaking out because what if God is saying to break up and they keep saying to surrender this to God and trust him. And my friends 6 months ago said she heard from God saying to “let him go” which also sent me down a spiral. I need help.

The entirety of my life I’ve been straight. I remember always being attracted to the female characters in shows/movies and even in younger teenage years loving girls. I would always check them out, and it was instinct. I was addicted to pornography for 6 years of my life. I’m 18 years old now and have been in 2 relationships with women. My first relationship lasted almost two years and I never once had a thought of liking men. Sex life was fine and I never once was interested in men. The relationship I’m in now is the happiest I’ve ever been. I found her incredibly attractive and loved her with everything in me. We’ve been together for 6 months now and she’s genuinely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The past two weeks have been hell. I cold turkey quit my Lexparo around a month ago and starting 2 weeks ago I was laying in a “zesty” position and thought if I was gay. That’s when my life flipped upside down. I started paying attention to the way I looked, walked, talked. I keep questioning myself “if I’m gay,” and I would continue to ask for reassurance with my partner and family members. I don’t feel like myself and it feels like I will never be the same again. I miss being deeply in love with her. I feel like my mind keeps telling me I find men attractive at school when I don’t want too. I check to see if I find other girls attractive but I don’t feel anything. I feel emotionless (maybe because of stoping Lexapro). My mind played intrusive thoughts continuously of men bending over and me having anal sex. I didn’t want to be thinking of that stuff ever (but my mind says it’s not to bad, and “oh you’ll like it.”) I started taking Buspar which might has started kicking in. And Ashwaghanda. I don’t have much intrusive thoughts anymore but I still have symptoms I don’t like. I tried doing ERP therapy on my own by looking at gay couples but my mind said I wanted that and I liked it. But deep down I know I really don’t and I just want to be with the love of my life. I try and stop this anxiety by looking at straight couples which at first eased it a lot, but now it doesn’t do much. I tried masterbaution to straight porn, but then I checked to see if I liked gay porn and my mind said “it’s not so bad.” “You like it.” Even though deep down I didn’t want it and it’s not something I want to watch again. It’s weird because I used to be so disgusted by anal now my mind says it’s not so bad, but I want it to be bad. My mind now tells me that you want to be in a gay relationship and it’s so comforting and nice. But deep down I don’t. It makes me worry because I don’t want to find it nice. I want to be straight. I want my life back. I am tired of worrying about this 12 hours of the day where the only break is sleep. I miss being in love. I don’t feel motivated to conquer the world anymore. Is this normal? Sometimes I know for certain I’m straight but other times it feels so real that I’m gay (but I really don’t want to be). Sometimes it’s hard to see that though.

Im really scared of making this post if someone wants to read it just read it I might delete it bc I’m gonna get hate for it but it’s okay I’m just scared and yeah. I was never clinically diagnosed with ocd. I can tell you my story and why I’m 99.9% sure I have it. I feel just so bad and horrible like a liar. So it started when I was like 4 and I couldn’t sleep without my dad being in my room and each night I would wake up and felt forced to go to my parents room otherwise I couldn’t sleep. Then I got obsessed with the number three. When I was 10 I developed severe emetophobia and fear of contamination- I still to this day can’t eat anything in public with my hands. And now it’s hocd. I just feel like a fraud and mean and like I’m invalidating other people’s experiences and like a pick ‚em I feel so bad for it but Idk what to do I’ve asked my parents to get diagnosed but they. Say that I don’t need a diagnosis because it’s obvious that I have ocd but idk I just feel horrible

I started therapy last year and was diagnosed with OCD, I have a few physical compulsions but a majority of my responses fall under the category of Pure O (mental compulsions like rumination). It’s felt like a lot taking all this new information in and it caused a bit of an identity crisis and I just haven’t felt like myself in a while. I am single in my mid twenties so I want to date and have been dating but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to date when I feel this unsure of myself. But then everyone keeps saying you have to keep living even while the scary OCD thoughts are there. I just feel like it’s hard to present my best self when I still feel quite shaken up by a year of really intense OCD flare ups. Has anyone that has struggled with this or gone through something similar have any advice or insight?

Hi guys, I’ve been feeling really anxious about this for a few days and even cried over it, so I wanted to share my experience here. I am not homophobic at all, I have LGBTQ friends, and I see no problem with liking the same gender, but I really don’t want that for me. I have not been diagnosed with OCD, so I don’t know what I am feeling is denial, or SOOCD. Also, I just found out about the term SOOCD a few days ago, and I felt really comforted and validated by it, but I want to make sure and hear from others with more experience. And since I am not really knowledgeable about this and don’t want to trigger anyone unintentionally, I’ll turn on the toggle for triggers. I am a 17 year old girl, and I have always been attracted to men my whole life. I have never had a boyfriend. I have had a crush on a boy when I was in primary school, and that’s all the crushes I’ve had. I’ve always found men attractive and have always wanted a boyfriend. I had no doubt about it until a few days ago, where I came across a video of an attractive woman. Suddenly, I asked myself “am I bi?” This came out of nowhere and I was really scared, and kept reassuring myself, repeating “I am straight.” After that, I kept looking on TikTok, at both, I guess, “thirst traps” of women and men and comparing my feelings towards them. I will keep asking myself “Would I date her? Would I kiss her?” every time I see a girl. I would try picturing myself dating girls to see how I would feel, as opposed to picturing myself dating a guy. I would look at the features I was attracted to of guys and see if the same level of attraction as before was there. I keep asking “What if I’m in denial, I’m bi?” Last night, I have talked to my mother about this, and in that conversation, I said “I’m really scared about liking girls. I really don’t want to like girls. I want to like guys. But what if I actually like girls and I’m lying to myself? What if I’m in denial? Then I can’t date or marry a guy like I’ve always dreamt of and have to date a girl? I really don’t want that.” But now, I have been feeling relatively calm. I’m scared that that means in this short period of time, I’ve accepted that I could be bi. But I don’t want to be. But what if I do? I really don’t know. If anyone has some insight or thoughts on this, please feel free to comment. Thank you for reading this post.

I wanted to share something I've been struggling with and see if anyone relates. A part of my OCD shows up as conspiracy type thinking about people in my life. I'll be convinced that people secretly hate me, are talking about me, or are “building a case” against me, even when there is a lot of evidence that they care about me. It’s exhausting because my brain treats these thoughts as urgent and real, and I end up replaying interactions, scanning for signs, and doubting people I actually trust. The hardest part is that it feels logical in the moment, even though I know it’s probably OCD doing its thing. Just wanted to vent and remind anyone else dealing with similar patterns that you're not alone!

Hello everyone! It's been a while I don't post anything here. I spent the end of the year with my boyfriend, two weeks. Saying goodbye was the saddest thing, we cried so much because we will only be able to see each other after a few months. I think I never imagined crying so much in a queue to get to the plane in all my life. I didn't have troubles today. But the day I was coming back, a friend sent a message saying that she removed the congratulations for my new relationship because she heard that my boyfriend is not from my church. When I heard her voice message, I felt disconcerted. I had only a few hours with my boyfriend, had to look for my boarding gate, it was past midnight and we were so tired. Even after telling her that I was coming back home at that moment, she kept saying things like this and that I should think about my life. That was like punch, really. I never regretted so much opening my messages. Today I finally could rest, talk to some people, but I think I felt it more because I had some spare time and also, my sister ignored me completely. She was angry because I haven't been talking a lot to my father since we had a problem 6 months ago. He used to help us financially, but as I don't agree with him politically, he got really offended and assumed I had the opposite political view as hum. So, that month, he simply cut the help he usually gave to both of us completely, without previous notice, and he told my sister that he would only send help if I apologized. I told him I did nothing wrong and I wouldn't apologize for anything. Since then, I pay almost all the bills of the house alone. I had so many problems last year, so when my boyfriend and I decided to travel to meet, I only told my mom and I took a little while to tell my sister, but I didn't tell my father because he doesn't live with me, he no longer helps with anything, and I wouldn't ask for his permission. Also I didn't want more drama. So, my sister got really upset when I told her about my trip. My boyfriend is the sweetest person in this world. I usually worked everyday, every single day. I think for more than a year and a half, I didn't have holidays or a long time off. I was really happy with him, this time felt like honeymoon. I'm so glad we could spend this time together. I was so happy that I started posting some pictures of us. After this, my nightmare started. First I started receiving message from people, random people from church asking me before anything else if he was also from church. He isn't. Then, two days before coming back, my sister sent me a message saying that my father was very upset and that she told him that she didn't know about me and didn't want to know anything about me and that I should have consciousness of the things I was doing. I told her we could talk when I arrived home and I didn't say anything else. Then, when I was at the airport, I received that message from this friend removing her congratulations for my relationship and telling me that I should think about my life. The only people who knew details about my relationship were my mom, my other friend and my sister. My other friend said that she didn't tell the details, so the one who told the voicemail friend about it was my sister. When I arrived home, my sister ignored me completely. I went to sleep, worked, but today, after working, I could call my friend and tell her about the other friend's audio. After the call, I heard those audios again and it was not good for me. So I posted in all my social medias a feel texts. For example: Mat. 11:28, 30 - Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest... For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Isaiah 42:3 - "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice". Matthew 9:13 - "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Luke 6:47 - "Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven." I hope people stop, really. I'm just venting

Hi everyone. I have many forms of OCD but one that I struggle with the most is POCD. When I was 18, my father went to prison for sexual crimes against children and ever since then I have been struggling with POCD and trauma related kinks from things that happened with my father as a child. Sometimes I worry that my kinks blur a line and I'm actually attracted to children. I work with children and am definitely not attracted to them, but my trauma kinks mesh with my POCD and I obsess about the possibility of being a pedophile. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you overcome it and find a balance? I am 100% not attracted to children, but the moments where my OCD runs wild are unbearable

its funny how it is often assumed that its your mother who you come to when you need comfort. for me its complete opposite, she's the one ruining my life. i feel guilty for saying it but my life would have been ten times better without her in it (not counting stuff like housing,my own room, food etc. because im grateful for that since not everyone has it). she has a terrible personality, she makes obnoxious, hurtful and racist jokes all the time (while claiming she's a supportive person, like tf), she acts like a cool mom to my therapist and friends but that's just an act and i hate her even more when she does that. she's also very selfish and i know life wasn't the best for her but she makes everything about herself, she doesn't give a shit about my ocd and she's too busy fighting with her braindead boyfriend like they're teens. sometimes i feel like she loves him more than me and my sis. also, whenever i ask her to not yell or be sarcastic to me when i do accidental mistakes, like forgetting to put something in the right place, checking the bus wrong and coming home later due to that(while informing her abt it btw), she always says im not the only one who has anxiety and doesn't gives a shit how scary it is for me whenever she yells or emotionally blackmails me. whenever i ask her to listen to something quieter or put on headphones she gets annoyed like its my fault im sensitive to noise and it really distracts me. im really being nice to her, im not a rebel at all, i never do stuff like slamming doors, yelling (unlike my younger sister who is REALLY rebelious, but she seems to have "higher expectations" for me just like if she has given up on her, which is also fucking sad). i don't get how she can say she's proud of me and that im a smart and responsible person and then treat me this way. she ruined our childhood by inviting her boyfriends over(letting us watch the both emotional and sometimes physical abuse going on), she was often venting to me when i was younger calling me her best friend but i was only her best friend when there was no one to listen to her sobs. maybe because of all this hateful atmosphere that she creates all i want in the future is to have a peaceful life, nothing fancy or like adventurous. i want to live a stable life with my boyfriend, doesn't matter if we have kids or not all i want is something safe, a house with no shouting in it.

I just have such an unhealthy view of God and I have these feelings of not wanting to follow him anymore but also wanting to follow him and I can’t make a decision because I don’t want to leave Christ but at the same time I do. I’ve been a Christian all my life and I just feel like God hates me, has left me, won’t forgive me again, and will pile me with a bunch of rules.. I also feel like he’s going to judge me for running away from him and ignoring him and I just feel like I have to be responsible for going to heaven and I have to work with it and I feel like I’m only following Christ out of fear! This is so exhausting!! Please any advice and tell me if this is ocd or anxiety!! 😖😖

My first post. Yay! I just finished my exposure practice for the day. I have relationship OCD (among others) and we’re slowly working through one of my biggest hurdles: fear that my childhood friend was “the one” and that I’m not meant to be with my partner. I’m honestly so proud of myself for what I was able to accomplish today. Everything in me wanted to reassure myself that I was with the right person. But I stuck with it and used statements of uncertainty and made it almost 10 minutes, just staring at this photo. The hard part is after every session and every practice, I feel exhausted and sorry for myself and I just want to lay in bed and scroll on my phone. Does anyone else experience this? How do you practice self-care afterwards to mitigate this?

I have been struggling with sleep anxiety ocd since August of last year. I had two weeks of either not sleeping or sleeping very little until my therapist, myself, and my support system managed to get me back on track. I set up a sleep routine and everything was good. The routine became compulsive though. And the last two days I have struggled to fall asleep, I stood up late each night and eventually passed out (which is great but I got five hours of sleep each night). Wasn’t sure why I retracted. My question is how does one conquer this? I don’t have insurance yet so I can’t start legit therapy but when I do does ERP help this or CBT-I? My therapist suggested medicine with therapy since my OCD is so bad. I’m not quite sure but I’d like to sleep whenever wherever without worry about it.

I live with severe heart anxiety. I have PVCS and PACS for several years. The scare me so much. For about a year now I’ve been having a racing heart. Normally it bounces between 90 and low 100s. I can feel every beat and it drives me crazy. I’m so scared it’s going to kill me. I’m so paranoid about my heart stopping or having a heart attack.. I just wish this would end and o could feel normal.

Hey guys. I was hoping someone on here might be able to help me. I have a handwashing compulsion that I am working on in ERP but it is definitely still a work in progress and my hands are struggling. They are red and painful and everytime I look at them I’m ashamed because they just remind me of how much control OCD has over my life. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to put on my hands to help? I know handwashing is a pretty common compulsion so I’m hoping someone knows something that might help.

I will soon give therapy another go and I know ERP will be hell when it comes to my Magical Thinking OCD, but I can't imagine EVER going full on ERP, when it comes to POCD. How am I supposed to hug the daughter of a friend - it's common in the friend group to hug each other and as everyone also hugs the girl, when she's out and about with us, it would be weird for me to not also hug her -, when I have a groinal response, or I feel a weird urge? I do hug her quickly and keep a lot of space between us combined with doing compulsions while hugging her to keep myself from totally losing it and freaking out, but knowing how ERP works, I am sure my therapist will ask me to hug her normally, but I can't. It's just not right AND I know I will spiral after hugging her normally. Also, I haven't told my therapist about me suffering from POCD, I said that I suffer from Harm OCD that focuses on children. I lied, because I unfortunately had encountered therapist and psychiatrists who know very little about OCD, which caused them to make comments about my POCD intrusions that sent me spiraling. Moreover, that therapist only offers group therapy - I tried to find a therapist for years, but I wasn't even put on a waiting list, as their lists had already been full, so I don't have much of a choice - and I honestly am not willing to talk about POCD in general and my POCD intrusions in particular with people who might have no idea about OCD apart from the theme(s) they suffer from. Also, I live in a small village and the possibility to bump into someone from my therapy group in a supermarket would be really likely and me knowing that they know about all of my OCD themes would freak me out. Does anyone who suffers from POCD in combination with False Memory and Real Event OCD have positive experience with in vivo ERP?

I live with OCD, including POCD, staring OCD, and obsessive fears around men who are emotionally or morally “off-limits” to me — for example, the boyfriends of close friends or other male authority or family figures. In one specific situation with my best friend’s boyfriend, my OCD felt almost identical to how POCD feels. Suddenly, I started noticing things about him that I found attractive. At the same time, an intense inner critic appeared, telling me that this was completely wrong and unacceptable. Almost as a counterreaction to that inner prohibition, another feeling showed up — one that felt almost defiant, as if my mind was saying, “Then maybe you actually want this.” That was extremely distressing, because rationally I know I don’t want him at all. Along with that came staring OCD. I became convinced that I was looking at him in a lustful or romantic way, even though that was never my intention. My attention automatically fixated on his body — his hands, his back, the fact that he is physically fit. I experienced intrusive impulses to touch him, brief groinal responses, and the overwhelming feeling that my body was reacting “against me.” It felt as if my body wanted something that I mentally and emotionally did not want. I was constantly monitoring myself: How am I looking at him? Where are my eyes? Did I look too long? Was that sexual? At the same time, I kept panicking and checking my best friend’s face, afraid she might notice something. At first, it actually felt manageable. I told myself that it’s okay to look at someone, that looking doesn’t mean anything, and I was able to function relatively normally in the situation. But the moment that obsessive “itch” in my head appeared — that sudden hyper-awareness — everything collapsed. From that point on, the internal battle took over. I’ve noticed similar feelings, very briefly, in other situations as well — for example, if my brother leans over me for a moment, or when I’m alone with my mother’s partner. It’s that alarm-like sensation of “Something could theoretically happen right now,” even though I absolutely do not want that. That contrast is what makes it so terrifying. A huge part of my suffering is shame. I often don’t know whether I should talk about these thoughts or keep them to myself. Part of me feels safer only if I confess or ask for reassurance. In one situation, I asked my best friend whether she had noticed that I was tense. She said that she noticed it, though others probably didn’t. That response hit me hard. After that, I avoided eye contact with her boyfriend almost completely. What makes OCD especially cruel in these moments is how real everything feels. The thoughts, the bodily sensations, the perceptions — all of it feels meaningful and intentional, even though it completely contradicts my values and what I actually want. It feels like my body is betraying me, even though I intellectually understand that this fear, hyper-focus, and self-monitoring are part of the OCD cycle itself.

I've stated before I had a stint of teenage hood/up to age 20 where I was NOT my best self. I lied about serious things, did immoral things. Most of these I have came to terms with and talked about with my husband who is SO supportive. There's this one thing that happened (that was actually the triggering thing that made me better myself, leave a toxic relationship and heal from some trauma) that for some reason 6 years laterI am feeling VERY guilty about. It was a serious lie that I told my ex boyfriend and I did eventually tell him that what I said actually did not happen. But I feel like it's so immoral that I need to confess to my husband so that I can get it off my chest even though it does not concern him in the slightes Its almost like it would be easier to deal with if the world knew about what I did because it wouldn't be a surprise that could come out and ruin my life and family. I know that confessing can be a compulsion and I have noticed that for myself but how can I be for sure that this doesn't actually need to be said for me to feel better? Would the REOCD just move on to a new topic to torture me with? Really struggling.

I feel so cripplingly lonely and broken. I finally know my OCD is just a bully and that my intrusive thoughts don’t align with my character but I’ve gone through such horrid things recently that I just feel completely and utterly broken. I wish I had a group of friends that I could call my people. I’m glad people here understand what it’s like to have this disorder.

I grew up in a religious family. Now, I can't relate to religious people much. That includes my family members. I get irritated and cry when I talk about "God's rules". I avoid talking about the "end of times" because it makes me overthink about the future and possible horrible events that could happen.