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Brain is telling me I can hire a hitman on uber eats by tipping the driver I’m fucked

Is there a link between ocd and limerence? Does it mean that you want that person in a sexual way? Can it be platonic? Can it be towards a kid? If it is towards a kids, does it make that person a p*do?

I can't stop confessing! I have this urge to dump on him every thought and wrong doing I've ever had and its destroying me! Im worried it'll destroy us too. When we started dating I stole a story from a friend to make myself look cool which was pathetic. But its the only time I remember doing anything like this.

I did an exposure today. More accidental than purposeful, but that's pretty much how it always is for me 😬 So basically, I had to touch some dirty shoes in order to put them on (or at least dirty in my mind), that I had previously trudged through garbage & used syringes with about a yr ago, like I'm talking a "landfill-level" hoarded house - around June of last year if I remember correctly (me and one other person were cleaning that hoarded room for a payment $100 each, which was originally gonna be $25 but the owner eventually realized/admitted that the conditions were just too awful to be cheap about it. Anyways, I didn't realize just how gross it would be till I got there - bcuz the one-time job advertisement didn't exactly mention the severity, only that it would be an organizing of boxes, so I didn't know just how triggering it was going to be for my OCD. It was unspecified. And at one point I got so nauseated that I had to step outside and I was gagging over the lawn). But ya, I don't think I've used these particular shoes since, not once, and this being literally a year later. I also don't remember ever washing them, just sort of stuffing them to the back of the shoe rack, bcuz when it comes to OCD... "ignorance is bliss" or whatever 😂, avoidance, out of sight out of mind... etc. Well, I chose to take a risk and wear them this morning bcuz they went with my outfit, and I planned to wash my hands when I got home anyway. BUT, what completely slipped my mind is that it was quite windy outside, which meant I was constantly brushing my long hair out of my face, u know... away from my eyes so I could see where I was going 😒, with my now "perceived-to-be-dirty" hands, AND -- i wore some of that dreaded lip balm of which I would normally be grateful for to prevent an equally dreadful case of dry lips, so my hair was also "sticking" to said lips, meaning I was having to move my hair off of my mouth like every 5 minutes - yes, very annoying. And all of this for a yard sale, was it worth it? 😅. Well perhaps, cuz I did buy something. Anyways, I was lightly grazing my face & mouth, not that lightly was gonna help, therefore, even though I did wash my hands upon my return, the transfer of germs would have already happened imo I'm at a point now where I'm basically just telling myself "if I get sick, i get sick" 🤷‍♀️ Cuz there's no compulsion, at least none I can think of, that could possibly undo the potential damage that's already been done (and I'm not asking for ideas LOL) If heaven forbid this does result in sickness, I'll just have to act accordingly by going to the doctors, ppl do it every day... Obviously if I become ill, that will ultimately suck, but like I said, it happens to ppl every day. It's not unheard of * If u guys think I'm in any actual danger - that I've taken on some sort of poison - then sure, tell me, but otherwise I think it's fine * And I feel like what I said before still applies, that if I've taken on board a poison, and start showing symptoms like involuntary/uncontrollable tremoring or something, then unfortunately I'll just have to go to the hospital (of which my city's hospital definitely isn't the best, extensive waits, but ik I'm just spiralling down the rabbit hole now)... this is what ppl do when they're poisoned, no? Go to the hospital? ✅ I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still feeling a little uneasy, but I keep reminding myself of how much time has passed. And most importantly, these converse shoes, even though they were pushed to the back, were still in contact/often touched by my OTHER pairs of shoes in the front. So the cross-contamination has likely already been happening throughout the whole year when wearing my alternative shoes, without my OCD alerting me to it, and without any ailment to me Feeling hopeful 🙏 🙌

Hi all, I’m new here and this is my first post. I was diagnosed with OCD back in March and started therapy, but was only able to complete a few sessions before my therapist had a baby. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 11 months and I’ve constantly been thinking about her past. More specifically something she told me that happened while her and I were speaking. In just two days it will be a year since she told me about the fact that she was assaulted by someone she met online. ( we both met online). It took place while we were talking. Originally when she told me, she told me she had sex with a guy she met online she told me she went over to watch a movie and then they had sex. Recently after we discussed it since it was weighing on my mind, she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual and that she was sexually assaulted/raped. She told me she initially thought it was sex because it’s what she was sued to from her last relationship. She was abused and assaulted a lot by her ex, and this thing was normal for her. She said she didn’t realize how bad everything was until after we had been dating and she saw what true consensual sex was. The problem I have is that my brain knows every detail of what happened but keeps blaming her for her. My brain keeps telling me it was her choice and her fault and it justifies it by saying that she went over knowing it was a possibility he would want sex, so therefore it’s her fault. This has been straining me for so long because I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything seems to trigger a thought about it. I know inside what happened and what led to it, but I constantly think about it possibly being something else. I constantly think about every little detail. It has led me to having thoughts of “maybe I shouldn’t date someone that did this” as it doesn’t match my definition of the “perfect partner”. I have no idea what to do anymore. I obsess over things she had done with her ex in order to be loved by him. Like drinking, smoking weed, etc all things that I am against. I know she doesn’t do this anymore and was coaxed into it, but I’m constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of “she isn’t perfect because of XYZ so I shouldn’t be with her”. I won’t go into any details about the assault out of respect for her. I feel I’m constantly fighting myself and every good day I have gets overshadowed by one bad day :( I cannot see my therapist again until August and it worries me a lot.

I remember clicking on drawn nsfw featuring minor characters. Because the characters had similar features to the fictional character I created to represent myself online. When I got groomed I would talk s*xually to the character I created. The character is 14. And as I described it before I've m*sturbaited to the character based on talk I had with my groomer and even created my own scenarios to m*sturbait. Even draw something to

Since I don't experience attraction towards children so I'm not a p*do. But I've seen some not really child looking character. Thought he's attractive. And scared if he's minor so googled his age. Says 11. But I didn't stopped and kept thought "no but he doesn't look 11", "he's attractive" I'm so scared. Some people says don't live in past but my another past mistakes are just.. disgusting. So lets say if one is caused because I was groomed, another one is caused because I was lacking of social skills. But I don't know if I'm still attracted to 14~16 year olds... I'm scared if I do. I think I'm an ap*ebophile and is also having pocd Lets say the thought "he doesn't look 11" is the reason why I'm not. But it's disgusting. Doesn't look 11 doesn't mean it's exceptional..

Suffering from ocd worsens with loneliness. Someone can talk to me please?

I regret so much things in my past. I feel like I'm only worrying for getting label. And worried if I'm bad. No guilt. I can clearly feel it. I don't have any guilt. It's only regret. I'm so exhausted. I can't do anything. I don't think I'm a aph*bophile or p*dophile. But I also feel like I am too. My past mistakes sounds like they proves my label. Currently I don't feel like I'm p*do. But I'm worried if I actually am. I'm worried if I'm an ap*bo.

Hi everyone, this is giving me so much anxiety even saying this out loud because my OcD is telling me that somehow someone will know who I am on here and report me this goes with what I’m about to say about my irrational stuff. Since my baby was born I’ve had a lot of majorrr anxiety about him getting sick. From there my postpartum ocd spiked. I had this irrational fear someone would falsely report me as a bad mom and I’d get my baby taken from me. I’ve NEVER had anyone tell me I’m a bad mom, as a matter of fact, almost every day I get praised for how good of a mom I am. My child is so loved and taken care of. So why did I have that fear? it CONSUMED ME. Obsessively cleaning my house in case a social worker came. Stopped posting myself having occasional girls nights out for dinner because I thought one of my followers would think I’m a bad mom for getting a break. Not being able to talk about ANYTHING or send pictures of my baby to family and friends to update them since we live out of state because somehow I thought I would say something wrong or do something that would make someone think I’m a bad mom. I was convinced my baby was gonna be taken for zero reason. I still sometimes catch myself over analyzing myself and what I say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and someone think I’m not a fit mom. I would even replay every scenario I remember and then second guess myself if that really happened or if I said something or not and freak out and spiral from there. with driving, if I go over a speed bump I have to double check it wasn’t magically a person. Then I panic even though I know for a fact it was a speed bump. I hate living like this. I feel crazy. I don’t open up because I feel like I’m the only person in the world. The one time I opened up about driving it was used against me. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m failing as a mom. I don’t even open up to a therapist about my irrational fear about baby being taken bc I don’t want them to think I’m a bad mom. It just doesn’t stop.

My boyfriend is staying the weekend at his parents house for his moms birthday and my ocd was quiet for most of the day and then I had the thought of my off has been quiet so I must not actually love my boyfriend which then just kept spiraling. I did resist compulsions to the best of my ability. I think there’s some mental ones I do as well but idk what they are. Anyway how do you guys resist mental compulsions what could some mental compulsions be?

I’m disappointed and upset with myself. Growing up in an immigrant household that didn’t believe in therapy as much, I mostly only really took care of my mental health when it came to playing sports. I was not a great communicator when it came to my feelings or being vulnerable with my partners and friends.The world makes you feel like it’s normal to not say what you mean and that you have to be indirect with a lot of the things you say. It caused a lot of fights, hurt feelings, and words I should have never said between me and my recently ex girlfriend. We had broken up about a week ago, but today is the day she said she did not want to talk to me anymore. I wish I did more than journal and meditate. I wish I got treatment for my OCD earlier, or just any therapy at all. I wish I learned to be better at communication way before I met her. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost her, maybe if I had been more honest and more direct about my feelings, our fights wouldn’t have happened. I wish I could have been more for her. I wish I could have been more for myself. I wish I took mental health, growing, and healing more seriously. I am disappointed for my skepticism and being okay with stagnating as a person. I should have healed and addressed my issues sooner. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to move on. It feels like I blew my one chance to be with the one person I really loved and the first partner I planned on something really long term with. I feel both the weight and pain of disappointment in myself, and losing her. I know the breakup is hitting her too, and I am worried about her wellbeing. They say there are 5 stages of grief, I wonder what stage this one is. And I wonder how long it’ll take me to just come to acceptance. I want to be better. I want to not hurt people I care about. I want to be the man I am supposed to become.

So me and my boyfriend are going on our first short trip together and as an avoidant person who tends to be very anxious about being seen in a relationship and being in a relationship in general, it could become a very triggering experience. I have had previous OCD themes but the last few years have been very latched to the topics HOCD and ROCD. I just know that spending so much time together could lead to intrusive thoughts about him and our relationship and result in micromanaging and being irritated. Anyone tips on how to enjoy this and not put too much pressure on myself ?

this is the most i will ever go into depth about my mental health, all in one post; all in one sitting. this will be draining. to start this off, yes, i have OCD—but i also have several other disorders as well. some of my diagnoses that will come to light in this have a strong correlation to comorbidity and so instead of this being a story simply about my OCD, i will cover all areas of my mental health. for readers, i want it to be clear; this is for me. i’m doing this to put my story out. i hope you find some interest in what i have to say, but in the end, my intentions are strictly to make my damage good. symptoms of my mental issues were present frequently in my childhood experience. for years i avoided any truth to how i thought or felt. thinking, feeling, acting—all 3 were never in cohesion. i had a very anti-social attitude towards life for most of my pubescent years. i got use to faking and manipulating to appear a certain way when i knew i was at risk of punishment; it allowed me to get away with a lot of immoral behaviors for a long time before i eventually was forced into counseling from a school fight i had initiated. i was roughly 14 at this time. counseling was my initial therapy for a while. i have since seen 5 therapists. i can’t say any of those therapists knew a single truth about me, really—with a mixture of pathological lying and a bad masking habit, I was stopping myself from getting any real treatment. i don’t know why, but for a long time i was content with this truth. a part of me never really felt the need to address it. my manipulative behaviors were often unintentional and not once had i sought a need to be callous, even when doing the things i was doing. with every new therapist, i had tuned my personality specifically to fit them—a concept that i don’t have a name for but now can dissect in immense detail. i would take parts of my personality and accentuate them to fit the attitudes and interests of particular people. in my head it was always about admiring the story. nobody was real; everyone was a character, everyone was a unique, self-manifested character. i just made my character with greater intents. i was a good listener, i think understanding that made me get more comfortable with my destructive and manipulative tendencies. when someone believes your listening, like really, actively listening—they’ll eventually tell you everything about themselves. now for a slight addressing of the obvious, i want it to be clear, i’m not describing ASPD—aka, the real life equivalence of sociopathy. i do think i show strong signs of it early on in my youth, and i bring these behaviors up because i think the issues that i do have developed from my anti-social behaviors—however, i was a child; i didn’t know the consequences of my behavior like i do now. if anything is needed to be said here, it’s best to address the following events like this: i understand now, i didn’t understand then. turning 15, i had started off 2023 in a relationship that meant a lot to me—a lot more to me than anything in my life leading up to this point. it’s best to address this now as well—i don’t feel a lot, but when i do, it’s usually irrationally intense and feels completely uncontrollable. at this time, i had gotten over a lot of my anti-social tendencies by now and have spent the last year improving myself after the things i had done began hurting the people i valued most. from a long list of lying, manipulating, preying, harassing, even stabbing people with whatever sharp thing was at my disposal—i had come a long way in creating a character that i actually liked. an important thing to keep in mind during this time was the early development of my OCD that had initially come in the form of suicidal ideation. most of the people in here i’m assuming are people that personally have OCD and understand that it’s not a disorder based in the stigmatized-lens of perfectionism but rather an irrational need for certainty. death quickly became my “ultimate form of certainty” in my teenage years as i turned to the concept like a comfort place—a hand on my shoulder saying “it’s okay, you can fuck up however you might, there’s always a way out.” i had not been truthful about that in therapy either, nor did the several medications prescribed in my lifetime ever do something of benefit to what my issues actually were. of course, i blame no one but myself for not benefiting from outside sources. skipping over a lot of meaningless detail—the gist of the year went like this: Jan-April relationship breaks up badly—in my irrational state, i attempted to take my life and was hospitalized, and eventually, institutionalized. i stayed there for 11 days. at the time the only diagnoses they could make of me was MDD and ASD with slight signs of generalized anxiety. May-August i get extremely medicated and start taking 150+ pills a month to maintain what at the time was being treated for bipolar and schizophrenia. i was too young to see my clinical record, and i assume they wouldn’t tell this to a minor, but it seems they believed whatever my issues really were—i was simply too young to get an accurate assessment. September-December the medication makes me completely apathetic and my loss of care for life brought back my irrational gimmicks and self-destructive tendencies. i, in a 4 month period, ruined every single relationship i had kept close to me. 2024. i was alone. i stopped taking my pills due to a loss of interest and excessive weight gaining but it made my intense emotions start to bite me again. this was the year my OCD had fully developed and by April, i was diagnosed after failing a risk-assessment. for a long period of time, i lived a meaningless, uneventful, isolated life. that year, i let my mental health take over all acts of my being. i got deep into philosophy, psychology, pathology, a lot of tv shows built around psychological dynamics—i was desperate to understand this parasite that seemed to destroy my life without any awareness. i never wanted it to take the years it did since i was initially that 13 year old boy, but i write this now with a simple truth—a truth i refused to let myself believe until recently. i can’t fix this. the more i feed into it, obsess over it—the more these issues are going to worsen. for years i wasted my days thinking i was trying everything i could and it just wasn’t working. i couldn’t accept the fact that i don’t control this, and despite being told that again and again—it never got through to me until i spent the last week not feeding into the OCD and emotional dysregulation, and for the first time, i didn’t find myself counting the seconds that passed me by. it might not mean that much for an outsider looking in, but since my OCD had fully developed—i would always be counting the seconds in the back of my head, not like 1231, 1232, 1233… but as a tick of a metronome that made me always aware of the time. the days where this wasn’t annoying, it was boring, which i ultimately hated more. i’m seeing a light i haven’t seen in years, and with it i keep reaching the same notion—i wish i didn’t waste so much of my life being miserable. i’m getting a psychological evaluation within the next month. i’ve been out of therapy for about a year now but i’m going in now looking to help myself. this is specifically for my emotional dysregulation. my current theories revolve around cluster B personality types, 1 of 4 including ASPD as i had mentioned earlier, albeit my bet is actually on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) I crossed off Borderline for a long time because the symptoms list always felt too broad, but the more i understand the disorder—the more i feel connected to it. my theory comes from several factors—my rapidly changing self image, my impulsive/erratic behaviors, my irrational emotions, my long history of unconventional relationships, my fear of abandonment, my chronic emptiness, my history of self harm, etc. this is not confirmed however, and i wish to get an evaluation specifically for the disorder. getting a personality disorder diagnosed in a minor isn’t easy, but i’m doing it half for the certainty of just knowing—and half for potentionally getting a medication that can help me live a healthy-adjacent life. i never thought i would see a life free of obsession since being diagnosed with OCD. now i can enjoy the silence. thanks for reading. any commentary appreciated.

Please tell me it gets easier…it’s hard to hold on when it feels like it’s not going to ever.

i’ve been going through weird phases in life and it’s really not what i need at all. i’ve been recently having really bad anxiety and i think i have depression (not sure) but everytime i go out my stomach starts to hurt and my mind goes all over the place i just always overthinking bad things are gonna happen like im just having the worst panic attacks when nothing is even happening. i can never go out with friends feeling normal because my mind goes crazy about anything. i can’t hang out with my girlfriend without having really bad anxiety and panic attacks, it’s also so bad that recently i got a job i’ve been trying to get for almost a year now and i finally have the chance to get into the job but my minds all over the place about traveling to another state for training and also even getting the job in general i feel so scared and feel so uncomfortable and uninterested when i been hoping for this opportunity for the longest. idk what’s going on with me and it’s clearly ruining my life and my mental. im starting to think it’s because about 2 years ago i used to smoke weed frequently and i stopped a while ago but now i do it once every blue moon and im thinking about quitting everything in general. what can i do to heal my mental and help my panic attacks where nothing is wrong? i need help..

I read about ERP and have seen information about it on here. One of the goals is to say, "maybe I am this or that...ect." That terrified me. The thoughts and images that go in my head are disturbing and upsetting. I don't want to even think about saying, "maybe this or that." It's devasting to have these thoughts and question why you're having these thoughts. Doesn't the "maybe" make it worse? The one thing that helps me is that is to remind myself that these are just thoughts and I know I'm not a monster, even if I feel like one. Is ERP not for everyone? Has anyone else had a problem with the techniques used in this kind of therapy? I had cognitive therapy for years with an OCD specialist and that seemed to help a lot. Writing out the worst case scenarios would make me suicidal. Im having a difficult time not obsessing over the "maybe" after intrusive thoughts now. It doesn't make it better.

Hi my name is Violetta and I have OCD that prevents me from sleeping because my mind races and I think of things that I can no longer change.

But the difference is felt in day to day life. Many things I used to get caught up on I can now do easily. Being a teacher, an email to a parent to thank them for a gift would take at least 45 minutes to write and recheck. Today, instead of engaging, I noticed I wanted to recheck & sent it anyway. I have started practicing an instrument and doing things I’m “bad” at yet enjoy. I have more energy & have had to find new hobbies and routines to get that out (still a work in progress on that one). Although it’s hard, I am able to relax and enjoy myself if I actively make the choice to commit to the activity - be it hanging out with friends, reading or playing a video game. Before, all I did was think and obsess. I was too preoccupied for hobbies. All of this to say, things aren’t perfect & I still have work to do, but things are certainly much easier than at the start of the journey. Now to keep going to see if I can conquer my bee phobia alongside OCD 👀🥹

I’ve been in this storm for over a year and a half now. It started with doubts like: “What if I don’t love him?” and slowly turned into: “You never did. You just loved the idea. You just wanted to feel something.” And now… it feels like that’s the truth. I feel disconnected, numb, and ashamed. I look back at our relationship — the good moments, the laughter, the affection — and instead of warmth, I feel doubt. I feel sick. I feel like I tricked myself. I keep thinking: “You never loved him, you just wanted to be loved.” “You were never in it for him — just the safety, the comfort, the idea of being in love.” We’ve been fighting more lately — mostly because of me. I feel like I’m cold, irritable, distant. I can’t connect. And that makes me believe, more and more, that this thought is right. That maybe I stayed because I wanted to feel, not because I truly felt something for him. But at the same time, I’m suffering. Crying. Panicking. Spiraling. If I truly didn’t love him — why does this hurt so much? It’s terrifying, because I don’t know if this is ROCD or a “truth” I’ve been avoiding. I just want peace. I just want to feel again — or at least stop punishing myself every day. Has anyone else gone through this exact thing? Feeling like the thought “I never loved him, just the idea” became your “truth”? Did it ever pass? How do you keep going when your mind turns love into guilt? Please tell me I’m not alone. 💔 This feels unbearable.