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I’ve been ruminating since Friday. My ocd is beginning to feel pretty real. I wanna get back on track with my life. I’m really tired. I can’t bare with these intrusive feelings and thoughts. I feel like I’m sinking again. I’m so desperate. I’m irritable , exhausted , I wanna just yell.

I’m 18 and very new to my diagnosis, I’ve had symptoms my whole life but it’s gotten significantly worse within the last few years. I’m honestly just looking for advice. My days feel impossible, I wake up and have to convince myself I’m real, and I continue with that battle my entire day. Sometimes this battle happens and i start worrying that I can’t breathe. When I eat I get worried there’s fentanyl in my food that I will overdose from. My life feels impossible and I can’t see how this will get better or when it will. I’m on medication, and am in conversational therapy but I’m still learning about myself and my triggers etc so it’s hard to know what to talk about, how to explain it best and what can help me overcome my struggles. Anyhoo any advice would be so insanely appreciated. I don’t have a very supportive community around me. they try to be supportive but I don’t think they understand what OCD is or how mine works.

OK, this might sound really dumb, but when you guys get intrusive thoughts, do they just come once and then go away? I’ve heard that repeatedly thinking about an intrusive thought is considered ‘checking,’ but it doesn’t feel like I have any control over how many times it comes up in my head. It’s not like I’m trying to check anything—it just keeps showing up, almost like it’s terrorizing me every time. I can’t seem to stop it from looping, stop remembering it, or prevent it from coming up. Every time it does, I feel horrified, and I already know it’s going to horrify me. I don’t think I’m actively trying to see if my feelings have changed, so is this still considered checking? How do other people get an intrusive thought and just move on? Doesn’t it pop up a million times for them too? I always thought that was normal, but now I’m hearing this could be a compulsion, and I feel really confused, scared, and lost. Is this why my OCD feels so extreme? Because I really don’t feel like I can control how many times the thought pops up.

(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.

Being homeless and having contamination ocd definitely don’t go together and up making each other worse and have kept me from solving the other. It’s hard to find anywhere to live when you can’t even carry your stuff in there or feel that’s its not clean enough to let any of your stuff touch that you soent do much time wiping down and that you just straight up have a panic attack and/or pass out and only end up causing those that try to help you misery. And it’s hard to get treatment when you don’t have any time for it as your still trying to find somewhere to live and wondering how your gonna make your next truck payment before your not even able to sleep in you truck. I wish I could just live somewhere and get better but I’ve already expended all of my energy trying to do so for these last 3 months straight. I don’t think I have anymore in me to try and move into somewhere again and wipe all my furniture down yet again. I might just sell it or leave it on the side of the road at this point and buy some basic new furniture, because I just can’t anymore. Not even sure what I’ll do if I do get another apartment as I’d still have to get a mattress into their and that would require getting all of the dirty furniture out of the back of my truck, then washing it out again at the car wash before I could even go and pick up a mattress and that’s gonna be a process that I’ll have to go through several showers and pairs of laundry to do. I’m also running out of clean laundry now and am dreading the thought of trying to wash it at a laundry mat. I usually have to take a shower after I put my clothes in the washer machine and I can’t get the inside of my truck dirty especially since everything I have is also in there and I don’t want to transfer any germs, or gas, or oil, or whatever else is on my dirty clothes, to all of that. Idk what to do anymore. The only other thing I can think of along that route is to try and live with someone else who has contamination ocd. Then I feel like we could really help each other out in everything and eventually help each other get better in an understanding way and the right way. Idk though. Idk how I’m gonna find someone like that. Unless anyone on here is willing?😅 I’m thinking about trying to just check myself in to some mental institution or some in-patient place at this point. I don’t see any other way out at this point. If anyone has any recommendations or knows of place or knows anything about that PLEASE let me know. I’m also thinking about having to sell my truck as I don’t know how I’m gonna keep financing it being jobless and not able to work. Everything I have though is in my pickup, I’m hoping a place like that will let me bring it in or at least some of it. I’ve already gotten rid of so much. That’ll be really scary though as my truck is my complete life line. It’s the only clean safe space I have to stay and what has let me to cleanly bring my stuff around to a new place every now and then (before it doesn’t work out). It’s where I’ve been sleeping and the only place I can really go at this point. Idek anymore. I’m also trying to look into disability and have seen a couple different routes or things I can apply for while trying to research it. I don’t know I don’t even have the focus or willpower or energy to even do that at this point. My body and mind are beyond beyond beyond shot. If anyone knows how to do that or get into that id greatly appreciate it. I have heard from a friend that it might take anywhere from 6 months to a year though if they don’t reject me. Hopefully she didn’t know of the other option or route or didn’t account for something though. That’s all I can hope for. After being jobless, homeless and couch surfing, and constantly trying every waking minute to find a solution and meticulously cleaning everything over and over constantly everytime I find somewhere to stay for a bit and pushing myself to the point that I just completely lose all coordination and access to my short term memory and ability move my arms right, or just straight up have a severe panic attack and/or pass out (if i ever do make it out of this I’ll never complain about “burnout” ever again. This is true burnout) and to where my hands get so dry and cracked that I can’t even bend them or rotate my arms without them cracking and splitting open in several different places every single night and yet ending up at another dead end over and over again each time for 2 months straight has me finally finally after all this time completely burnt out, and willpower and discipline to do so completely overclocked and shattered. My psyche is cracking and I am legitimately starting to go crazy. Throughout this time I’ve lost and ruined many relationships. I’ve been ignored, betrayed and/or talked about behind my back by those I thought I could count on and who I thought I could trust. Who I considered famiIy. I’ve lost or pushed away all of my closest friends. I’m tired hurting those closest to me. Tired of seeing the look of pain on theor faces or hearing the pain in their voice. If I have to take one more dollar or one more crum of food from those that have tried to help me during this time, I think I’m gonna be sick. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everytime I think I’ve found a way out, it’s not. Every time I have gameplan set in place, it fails and falls apart. After all of this I now have the firm belief that someone’s opinion on mentall illness should not hold much weight if they themselves have never developed a mental illness this bad, this debilitating, and lost this much to it. I’m also wondering if anyone has trouble with worrying about transferring oil and gas residue to other things as well? For me it’s not just germs with the contamination ocd, that’s what kinda pissed me off about the description for it. Honestly I think really my biggest fear is just the thought of transferring germs or oil or gas reside to anything of mine that I’ve already miserably spent so much time trying to clean and wipe down that I don’t want to get anything dirty. Especially since I have everything I have all together all the time now with constantly trying to move somewhere or having it all in my truck and sleeping in my truck like I am now… during the dangerously cold Wyoming winters. Anyways does anyone else struggle with that or just the whole oil and gas residue contamination and transfer thing in general? Was wondering if anyone had any experience with that and if so what kind of things they’ve done to help that or what kind of research or science they’ve found to ease their mind or show that it’s not something that operates like they think it does, or that it’s not really as bad as they think it is. Also an example of what I mean too is: I don’t want to get oil or gas on me and then sit in my truck and then the next time I go to run an errand in my clean casual clothes get that on me and then get back home (being hypothetical now w the “home” ig lol) and then sit in my chair or on my bed and get that on those things and then have it transfer all over. Yk what I mean?

i’m so afraid of having cancer. bc i always think of you have it you WILL die from it which isnt accurate at all. im also SCAREDDDD of going into a coma SO BAD. but im so scared to go to the dr. im thinking ab all of the symptoms i have & other things & i keep making myself think i have cancer , then if i do & when i go to the dr they tell me i have it but what if i only have 2 months to live. im so scared. i hate this.

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?

Hey guys, so since I started taking Wellbutrin about a week ago or so, my OCD has become so much worse. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about my dog dying. He is 12 years old and shows no signs of slowing down as he is tiny and still runs around like a puppy. I get constant intrusive thoughts that he will die soon and it hurts so bad that every time I think about it tears come to my eyes. I worry that I will never enjoy playing with him or cuddling him again because I’m so afraid of him dying and feel horrible sadness and anxiety whenever I see his cute lively little gray face. How can I be comfortable with these thoughts? I love my baby more than anything in the world and I would like some support or some comfort. I’m stopping Wellbutrin because I think that’s causing my OCD to worsen the worst it’s been in a very long time. Here’s a picture of him so you guys can see how cute he is :)

Not sure if this is the proper forum so my apologies in advance if it is not - but I am a parent that is struggling to try and help one of my children with ocd - my problem is that they don't think they need help and they give me many excuses for not talking about it or just not talking at all - I do think talking to someone and getting some professional help is best for them but they prefer not to at this time and the ocd in my opinion is getting worse. They are dropping into a state of isolation - any advice on how to approach this and my child so they do not push further away from us and further away from getting some professional help ? Thank you.

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

I don’t feel very obsessive. I’m not anxious at all. I know I enjoy sex with him and love him. But now idk if I wanna spend my life with him. Is that the clarity I wanted Like I know I love him but I’m unsure about our future when I used to be super sure? Idk if it’s just cuz I’m an anxious person. Is it ok to love someone and not know if you want a life with them? A life with him would be so peaceful and beautiful. It’d be all I wanted but is that a lie? I don’t think I’d regret marrying him or exploring my bisexuality more cuz I’ve had very little desire to date women. I think I’m just unsure cuz of the obvious culture and religion difference. Our anniversary is this week and I have nothing planned (except breakfast, and a gift that I haven’t finished). I know love won’t conquer everything and it’l require work from both of us. I’m worried I’m just going along with it cuz I have to or I’m stuck here not cuz I want it. Anyways: in summary, is it ok to love someone but still be unsure of wanting a future with them even tho it would be a really nice future I’d love? I really think it’s just anxiousness cuz i don’t wanna confuse my kids by praying differently than them, and celebrating christmas with my side of the family. I feel bad that I’m unsure. But I love him and god I wanna sleep in the same bed as him, wake up next to him, cook him dinner in dim light, cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I’m tearing up writing this lol. It all seems so nice. He’s so nice. He’s so gentle. I don’t feel butterflies but I feel peace but I’m unsure. My head feels weird. I don’t feel obsessive or confused today but I’m still not me. Maybe I’m getting a short break.

Does anyone else struggle with this? It's been the main thing powering my POCD, and it's only been getting worse. Especially when I see posts online of people sharing their personal stories relating to CSA, specifically grooming. It's so triggering now, but before this theme developed, the most I'd feel while reading posts like that would be disgust targeted towards people who did those things. Now, my first thought is, "What if I do something like that one day? What if I've done it before and I don't remember or didn't know I was doing it?" I have many, many different intrusive thoughts or worries related to this theme, but it all circles back to this specific fear that I'll become like the people who hurt and took advantage of me. Does anyone have advice for this? I'm not sure if I've asked a similar question in the past or not, but is this something I need to deal with separately before beginning ERP for OCD? I'm just curious and also lost on where to begin with all of this. I'm just glad I'm able to begin working through all of these issues now, rather than later in life when I'd probably have a lot more responsibilities. Anyways, any feedback is appreciated! 🤍

Codependency and lack of understanding personal boundaries is ruining my life. Can anyone else relate and offer help? I need help. I posted this in the CPTSD subreddit to I need help figuring out how to stop falling back into patterns of behavior I’ll stop for a week or two or a month but then it all comes back -I lie to my dad about stuff I need for school so I don’t run out of money Becuase I have really bad anxiety surrounding money since I don’t have a job at school (I’m working on it) -when love interests or friends don’t respond to me for long periods of time it’s hard for me to not constantly call them and text them to ask them if I did something wrong or if they hate me -I have OCD that convinces me I’m evil or have NPD so instead of improving I just accept that I’m bad and it makes it hard for me to get myself out of the shame spiral -no emotional regulation skills (I smoke multiple times a day and I drink often to sleep at night because my thoughts are so brutal) -it’s hard for me to be happy for other people due to my own perfectionistic tendencies that paralyze me and so instead of being “the best” I am actually nothing because I am too afraid to fail -I think I am special and more capable than most because of my trauma and what it has taught me. I also was born with perfect pitch and the ability to play the piano so I’ve had this pressure to “be something” forever and I don’t want to feel Like I need to do that anymore but my ego won’t let me go. How do I stop believing I have NPD or that I am evil ir a bad person for thinking I am special? I don’t know what’s wrong with me ever since I was little my mom would compare me to other kids so I think it’s hard for me to not be resentful of people who are good at the things I want to be good at since I never felt good enough. Sometimes I’ll feel okay with myself but then I’ll see someone doing the same thing as me even if they’re just as good or not as good or better it doesn’t matter I still ge this feeling inside of anxiety and jealousy and shame and doubt it makes it impossible for me to be happy for them but I want to be I am supportive to my friends and family on the outside because I don’t want do hurt anyone or make them feel how I do but I don’t know Sincerely, The black sheep scapegoat Edits: -how do I stop needing so much validation for everything I do? -how do I stop engaging in self destructive behaviors? -how do I just ask for what I want without feeling like I need to make up an excuse or lie in order for my needs to be valid? -how do I stop wanting to be better than everyone else so I am not rejected ever again? -how do I not care if I’m rejected?

Vent. / / Sorry in advance everything is just a lot right now. I have to cover where I sit in the living room with a bedsheet because it feels dirty. And someone moved it away to put a plate of food on the arm. As if the sheet wasn't there for a reason, as if I haven't done this for so long that my whole family probably realised why. I know it's irrational and I shouldn't do it anyway, but it just feels so frustrating because for now I'm just doing my best to feel clean, and it feels like everyone is ruining that. I live in a house with a family member who doesn't wash their hands, so I also have to contend with feeling like I can't touch anything. I never feel clean myself, and I'm just trying to do the best that I can. I know these are all compulsions, but it's the best I can do right now, I don't have the energy to try and overcome them so I'm just trying to make life the easiest it can be. And it just feels like no one respects that. I'm just so tired of avoiding specific "dirty" steps on the stairs, so tired of not being able to touch the light switch, so tired of having dried and cracked hands from over washing. Why does everyone get to live care free from germs and dirtyness yet it feels like I just can't win? I'm just trying to survive.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, living together for a year and a half. Everything was going well, but about a month ago straight everyday, I started having these intense doubts and urges to break up. It came out of nowhere – nothing specific happened. Now I'm constantly second-guessing everything, feeling uncomfortable, and doubting my love for him. It's like I don't even know him anymore, or how we even got together in the first place. I feel like I've forgotten our entire relationship history. One day I just woke up and thought, "Wait, do I even love him?" Now I'm constantly questioning why I'm here, whether I want to do things with him or if I'd rather be alone. I even wonder if I'm just staying because it's comfortable and I don't want to deal with the hassle of leaving. It's gotten so bad that I sometimes feel like I don't know how to act around him. I even question if I ever truly loved him, even from the very beginning. And my sex drive decreased the day we moved in together and hasn't really come back. I tell him I love him, and I do care about him, but sometimes it feels like I'm lying, or like "I love you" is just a default phrase I use when I don't know what else to say. We mostly talk about games or stuff we find online now. It's like I don't know if I even want to do things with him anymore. I'm so confused and lost. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me “why are you with me if you dont like anything about me” i didn’t have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me

Sometimes I notice my intrusive thoughts cause me to spiral and sometimes not. I've been practicing ERP for quite a while so it's a bit easier for me to not spiral. But I wonder why that happens. Does anyone else have it? Also I'm on medication idk if that plays a role.

im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me “why are you with me if you dont like anything about me” i didn’t have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me

how to know if it’s anxiety or something else when you feel like you can’t breathe.

PLSSS READ!!! TW: Hi. I’m not diagnosed with OCD, but I wanted to say that I have been wondering if I am. I’m not on here looking for a diagnosis. But 4 months ago I tried an edible for the first time and had a terrible experience. I was feeling like I wasn’t in the same dimension or anything. I was scared I wasn’t in control of myself and I thought I might hurt my friends. (I didn’t) but it was awful. That led to agoraphobia, and harm intrusive thoughts. I started sertraline but that had me so emotional and caused SI. So I decided to stop. Shortly after that I started experiencing panic attacks and DPDR. At first it was just the dp now I just feel like nothing around me is real, like everything is a figment of my imagination or fake. It’s super scary because there is a battle going back in forth in my mind all day about being real or not. One I try actively not to engage in. But it just takes that one thought to snag on to something I really care about like my mom being real or anything. I still experience intrusive thoughts but they are not as loud. The logic side and the irrational side of my brain bicker all day and then I’m like what should I listen to. There is this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach when I have the thought that nothing is real especially my mom. Then recently I’ve started to fear I’m hallucinating or schizophrenic. Or that maybe my mind is here but my body is else where doing something horrible. This is so hard to explain to family and friends. I am just drained. Insurance is off right now and NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance. I’m talking to a counselor and my therapist before the insurance got cut off practiced cbt with me and I was about to start a dbt program. But I guess I’m just so lost. Like I’m scared for when insurance comes back on to get a diagnosis because if it is OCD I’ve had it for all this time and haven’t know I guess? And I do a lot of mental checking but not physical. So idk it’s confusing it’s hard to feel like I could live a full life like this. most people make it seem like they can’t be happy and get married, etc with OCD. I’m terrified to find out if I have it or not and I’m not sure how to manage anymore. If you take medicine and have OCD or painful rumination does it help? I’m really scared to try again because I don’t want to feel how I did before and have to stop. I’m terrified. I’m also a Christian so I’m trying so hard to trust God didn’t bring me this far to leave me just because of one edible! But I’m miserable!! Thanks if you read to the end