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the NOCD Community

I posted this on reddit and decided i should share on here too! i just wanted to share some things ive noticed with tocd that keep sucking me back in! -My brain will keep telling me that i enjoy the thoughts even if i dont, which starts to freak me out -Not getting anxiety from the thoughts, then i get anxious because why didn’t i get anxiety from that? -Body discomfort + pronouns making me uncomfortable and being hyper aware of them. -Constant mental compulsions that i can’t stop that are making it worse. for example my worst one is looking at a guy and imagining myself as them. -Not feeling like the gender you are. i don’t feel like a girl anymore which is extremely confusing -Feeling guilty about using your desired pronouns. for example: when i call myself a girl to other people i start to feel guilty and like I’m lying? -Being scared that even though your thought isn’t true now eventually it will become true and you will have to face your worst fear. -Is it OCD? or am i using it as an excuse -Am i in denial? -THE URGES!!!! All i want to tell you guys is OCD will do anything in its power to make us think that our theme is true or “this time it’s different” but in reality we really cannot trust our brain especially when we are having a flare up. my advice is to try your very very hardest to not do compulsions, i know it’s hard but i believe in everyone. Do ERP, i write down the thoughts I’m having in a journal. Lastly, ACCEPT THE THOUGHTS!!!! “maybe its true maybe its not true” you do not need to solve it! we need to accept the uncertainty even though its scary. i hope everyone is well and if you guys want anymore advice feel free to message me. 💕💕

Hi all! I have had a variety of OCD themes such as Relationship OCD, Homosexual OCD, Transgender OCD, etc. I have a few experiences that I'm wondering if anyone has been through/can shed light on as well: -I feel as if I have a constant feeling that I need to analyze whether or not I'm 100% happy at any given moment. For example I think: "Am I truly happy? Am I experiencing life the right way? If I look around am I experiencing life with 100% clarity?" -One of my themes is stronger/more persistent than the others. And as such it makes me more fearful that it must be true. My Homosexual OCD was the first to manifest and as such I feel like it has ultimate power over me. I also used to experiment with Gay Porn when I was younger but I never felt it was "serious" nor have relationships with men interested me in real life. But I feel as if I am hyperaware of when I find another male attractive yet the thought of sexual intercourse with them doesn't appeal to me. (I'm in a very lucky and lovely relationship with my Fiancé btw). And I find myself analyzing moments of emotion with her. When I cry over something out of joy with her I feel like a fraud, like I am forcing myself to do so. But I've had genuine moments when I imagine our wedding day together alone in my car, I cry because I'm overcome with joy. -How to properly do ERP exercises. I usually attempt to let my thoughts flow like a stream and try not to attach meaning to them. I also try to force myself to imagine scenarios that are incredibly fearful in an effort to desensitize myself which only makes me feel as if I'm actually starting to like the thoughts and then they become an overwhelming, confusing wave. Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts and I sincerely love and appreciate your time. I hope we can all be in this together! :)

I’ve been much better for months. Deleted this app even. One thing I started to become insecure about is the fact that I don’t have a very girly voice. Then I noticed lesbians have deeper voices. I finally let go of that obsession. But then on Instagram I was suggested a reel about lesbians having an “accent” and I wonder if I have that (???) I didn’t watch it but now I can’t stop wondering and I’m conscious about my voice. Then, I was on IG again and IDK WHY but I was suggested a reel “pov: your friend who doesn’t know she’s queer” - I didn’t watch that either but thought, “what if that’s me? What if I just don’t know?” I’m spiraling so bad for the first time in MONTHS and feel so defeated.

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore and i feel hopeless. i’m so uncomfortable as a girl now, i look at my body and i get extremely uncomfortable wtf? i used to love my body. i get uncomfortable when people call me a girl and by my name. there’s no way this isn’t becoming real im so sad it feels like the only way out of this is to die or become a boy. every morning i wake up feeling off? idk how to explain it but i just feel weird the second i wake up. i find no joy in anything i used to do i cant even relate to things about girls anymore. i feel so sad and i really need advice. if this is real please straight up tell me that i need to be transgender and don’t sugar coat it.

I imagined being a trans and i felt excited about doing HRT and it felt pleasurable and very wanted this time 1000% I am done , i am dying please help please

feels like i’m in deep denial idk wtf to do i’m freaking out i can’t sleep i just want to feel normal again 😭😭😭 i wanna be a girl not a boy 😭😭

I have relationship ocd I think and it’s ruining my otherwise great relationship. I have such a loving, supportive, and kind partner but my distress bothers them so much. I was going to be moving in with them in a few months and as I am autistic as well and they have adhd we were going to help support eachother and motivate eachother. I’ve been spending a lot of time with them lately just because they’ve been wanting me around (they used to ask for space and now they want me to be around since we are practicing for moving in together) and I honestly don’t feel like I should move in with them anymore. I feel like I’m too much of a burden. Last night their current roomate’s parents came over since they are in town for Easter and I got really upset when they asked me to participate in a game night with them suddenly. It upset them though that I was so upset about it. I thought I was able to share how I was feeling and they even interrogate me when they think I’m not sharing how I’m feeling and it just makes me question everything- my own feelings and wether or not I’m actually just a huge source of upset and stress for them. They always tell me they love me how I am and care about me and will always accept me but they are getting really fed up with being upset about me being upset. I don’t know what to do because I can’t help being upset and they keep telling me it’s okay that I talk to them about it but I don’t want to. I’m really worried that I shouldn’t move in with them because spending time with them lately has been so anxiety inducing. I even feel like I’m blowing all of it out of proportion and just wish I didn’t get so defensive and upset when they get upset with me for being upset. They used the word avoidant last night and it reminded me that all the times I’ve been vulnerable were just me giving them ammunition against me to trap me later for being upset. I hate this so much and I hate how I can’t feel calm and safe around them anymore because of my own fear of showing distress to them. Last night was so triggering and when I told them it upset me and reminded me of my own parents who have cut ties with me (going on 6 years now) when I came out as trans. I just don’t know what to do because I love them but just see how much I wear on them and upset them with my own feelings and reactions to things. Please help. Also just this weekend is hard anyway. Easter always sneaks up on me and this time of year especially is hard for me because of my past trauma that I experienced during this time of year. I’m so done putting my partner through it and just feel that they are going to leave me soon and just haven’t realized it yet. And Good Friday would be such a good time to make my exit I feel like . My partner and I are going to try couples therapy but every therapist I’ve seen and they’ve seen has basically said that my shame wounds are too deep and that it’s going to break us up and evolve into something toxic eventually (which doesn’t help my own fears of that already). I just wish I had my best friend back and we weren’t constantly fighting about my feelings and me having them and me being afraid to have them.

Im so tired from seeing & feeling from men’s pov , i really dont want to be a man , im really into men but hocd and tocd keep convincing me im not

Hello i was a porn addict for 16 years. Iam 25 abused alkohol and was sex addicted to girls never could have enough. Few months ago i was heavily drunk and without knowing ended up sleeping with a trans which i regret heavily I developed HOCD heavily which confused me and brought me to suicidal thoughts i was so confused that i actually believed that iam gonna turn trans without me wanting it then it developed to be scared that i could kill myself without wanting it. I want to just turn normal as i was can anyone help me ?

So I’m new to OCD still, very much in my ocd infancy as I was diagnosed in October and am still learning what is and isn’t ocd. My ROCD is still my worst by far and I’m scared I’m getting too comfortable with these thoughts and that I’m starting to mean them. My compulsion when I have the thought of hating my girlfriend is to test how I feel when I say that I love her and how I feel when I say that I hate her. The problem right now is that I can’t stop thinking about doing it so I can know that I love her, because the thoughts are here and they are violent right now. And what’s scary is that I’m not actively challenging them. Like when my brain says I want to break up it doesn’t feel necessarily bad. I’m also scared because I’ve been in a depressive state that I can’t tell what emotions are mine or not. Like today we went on a date. Every time she smiles I smile, I laugh with her and I listen to her, but there’s some emptiness there. I’ve felt that for pretty much everything recently though so I think it’s a general depression and not being around her. God I hope that’s true I don’t want to lose her. Again I’m having trouble determining what is a compulsion or not. Because on one end I know me testing it is, but I’m scared that me saying I love you to her even when I don’t 100% feel it right then (she genuinely has done nothing wrong and is nothing but supportive and wonderful) is a compulsion, or that the thoughts I have where I’m thinking of spending the rest of my life with her are obsessive/compulsive and that it’s not real. I’ve posted a lot about my ROCD here but I know I’m around people that understand. OCD is so fucked up and I wish I didn’t have it and that I could just be in a happy normal relationship. We compliment each other so well and it doesn’t make sense why I feel this way when I left my ex for her, she is the light of my life and she treats me with so much love and respect so why am I scared of being unhappy, why do I think I’m unhappy? It doesn’t make any sense. My guess is that I’m generally unhappy and my brain wants to make sense of why and is blaming her. I can think of a lot of reasons why I’m unhappy. Im burnt out frankly. Im so behind on schoolwork and I’ve had a lot of body dysmorphia recently and I can’t tell if I’m trans or if I’m just tired of being fat. I think also having the intrusive thought of needing a trans partner is also TOCD which I tho j I do have to some capacity, however I have had feelings of wanting to be a woman since I was a kid so I’m not doubting those feelings. I get scared when I feel numb to everything and everyone because that means I could break up with her and I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose her. Im not saying I would never find anyone again but I don’t know if they’d be as great as her. Sorry this was long I’m just really struggling.

Trans OCD is so isolating and even more so as a nonbinary person. Just because I like some masculine terms/pronouns, I know that doesn't mean I'm a boy but it just triggers me into thinking I'm a trans man, and that scares me. My compulsions don't even bring me relief. I was having an alright day but the anxiety got to me. I wish I could have the answers. I know I can't, but ... yeah. It almost feels like a joke that I'm nonbinary and going through trans ocd.

Hi guys :) I am 21 now, but at 14 I read an article about a woman discovering she wanted to become a man and not realizing it until later in life, which prompted the worst OCD I have ever had. I was paralyzed with anxiety and depression over the potential of becoming a man. I am a woman, I love being a woman, and I identify with being a woman through and through. I thought experiencing trans OCD was behind me, and recently (I just switched from Prozac to Lexapro; I have been on Prozac since I was 16, so maybe that’s a trigger?) it came back. I desperately want it to go away. I feel helpless. I just want someone to tell me it isn’t real, but I know that’s reassurance

So I posted a little while ago about my testing of being trans (MTF) and going by she/they in my closer circles. Now this is all well and good but I’m continually questioning whether my experience is real. I stoped wearing masculine underwear because it doesn’t feel right but I don’t know if that’s a compulsion or if I genuinely don’t feel at home being a man anymore (I’ve told my friends that he/him is no longer he/home). I’ve been going by any pronouns for a few months and like when someone calls me a guy I feel weird but also being called by she/they is still weird and so it’s also uncomfortable, especially because I’m so incredibly masc passing (I’m a bigger hairy individual). According to people around me when I talk about being trans I get nervous and excited In a good way? But also especially with how society is nowadays (USA) being trans is also terrifying. The other thing is like I lean toward playing masculine characters in like dnd and games. Idk it’s definitely scary and strange and I’m just trying to figure it all out. I feel like when I’m around my gf I’m a lot more comfortable being her girlfriend (which my ROCD also has gone a little hog wild recently because I continually interpret me being content in the relationship as me not caring and the minute that happens I think of my last relationship and how the end of it was everything I did being obligation not because I wanted to and I fear getting to that point) Outside of that context I’m like “I’m your boyfriend yup that’s it not a girl she/they feels weird” and like I’m still very comfortable in masculine spaces and (this could be internalized transphobia from my parents as well as some OCD) that if I’m in a feminine space I’m just gonna get horny or something and make everyone else in there and myself uncomfortable and then feel guilty for “faking” this and feeling any of that, because a part of me has had some SOOCD and like scared I’m not into my gf or women in general even though I know I am (I’m Bi) because I don’t get like an instant erection being around her anymore, but getting a boner in my underwear around a bunch of cis women just sounds embarrassing. A good move is probably to go see a gender therapist and figure this all out. Sorry this was just a run on rambling mess but yeah that’s my thoughts. Any other trans folks in here wanna help out and share their experiences?

Hey everyone, my mum gifted me a birth chart reading as a birthday present. I don’t necessarily believe in astrology but its fun to hear, yk? So today I went and got my birth chart analyzed and and she said something that really triggered me. Most of the things she said were true, some things even were realllyyy specific and true. So in the last 10 Minutes she wanted to explain what Lilith meant in my chart. She listet a few things and one of them was „accept your homosexuality/transsexualitiy“ and now I am very scared. I’ve been dealing with soocd and Rocd for the last 3 1/2 years and lately Ive been doing quite good. But that phrase shook something in me :,) Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this feeling. I know astrology does not necessarily need to be true or 100% true and she also said things that didn’t apply to me but I am so scared. How can I deal rn..?

I need some advice because this is bothering me. So I've done some gender exploration lately and basically realized I'm a male-leaning nonbinary (born a girl). OCD is making it hard for me because it makes me anxious that my family is gonna abandon me for being trans. I honestly don't even like calling myself trans or referring to myself as a boy because it makes me anxious and it's made it hard to accept those parts of myself and im not even 100% sure im a full boy or just boy-adjacent nonbinary. Honestly my OCD makes me too anxious to think about it. I'm also struggling with feeling like I need to compulsively come out even though I'm not ready/dont want to and that their love for me isn't real because they don't know about my gender. I mean they know I use they/them but nobody in my family uses it for me anyway and I didn't tell them I'm nonbinary. Ironically I'm like feminine regardless so my presentation isn't really gonna change much outside of binding but lmao 😭 I don't even think it would bother me that much to stay closeted, but my OCD still fills me with anxiety. I dont know what to do and im kind of freaking out and my OCD is telling me to come out or accept that my family doesnt really love me because they dont know 'the real me'.

it’s so funny how i can go from thinking i’m a lesbian in denial, to me being a murderer and wanting to kill my family, to me secretly wanting to be a boy, to me being a cannibal, then to me thinking i’m going to be possessed in a matter of minutes. whenever i’m not focused on a certain theme, i see how illogical it was and how there’s no truth to it whatsoever. but when i’m actually going through it, it seems like it’s the truth and i spiral. just love life 😍😍

Do any other trans people with OCD get intrusive thoughts about faking being trans or misgendering them? On a pretty much daily basis I go through this cycle of either accidentally misgendering myself or getting the thought of “you’ve been lying for the past 10 years and you’re actually not trans” and it always sends me into a spiral. My dysphoria tends to fluctuate and it gets worse when my dysphoria is lower than normal. Logically I know fluctuation is a thing that most trans people experience at some point but I still ruminate over it. Any other trans folks here experience something similar? If so, do you have tips to break that pattern of thought?

I’ve been dealing with OCD for quite some time, and have had plenty of themes come and go. Some lasting years and some months. I have three major themes that still haunt me. They’re this constant dread of death, my moral dilemma of if I’m a good person, and recently my gender identity as a man. They all tie into each other and I more or less look at them as evolved forms of “conquered” themes. Like my self harm, Sexual Orientation, and pedophilic/assault themes. Death is a hard thing to accept though and I no longer have too many intrusive about harming myself or others for that matter because I’m constantly afraid of death. I don’t feel like a good person for my constant compulsions and compulsive behavior. I feel weak to them. I give in to my constant googling and forum browsing. I know for a fact I ask for reassurance constantly. I question my own sexuality and gender identity quite often because I’m not sure if I’m a good man and how could I prove that I am? I have a lot of compulsive regrettable and more importantly unproductive sexual encounters to make me feel like 1. I’m not gonna die 2. I can do something with my life that isn’t destructive 3. I’m a man doing my duty. Now for the gender identity portion of this I wanna make it clean that I love people from the LGBTQ+ community and support them 1000% but I feel like I’m a horrible person for being anxious and uncomfortable with these thoughts because nothing’s wrong with being gay or trans y’know?It’s either what if I’m in denial or what if I’m being too feminine y’know the whole “what ifs” thing? I don’t wanna die, I wanna be a good person. I am genuinely just scared, I just wanna live and not have the noise so loud. I mean I have panic attacks constantly. I try not to ruminate but it’s an ugly battle. It seems to me that my OCD flares up moth to month like I’ll have a good month of manageable intrusive thoughts but then the next moth I just decay. You know how many times I’ve scanned my mind just to find proof for and against all these themes? I’m sure some people can relate. OCD has made my life so isolated and I hate myself for that. I’m sorry for all the words, I’m just a mess right now. If you read this far I appreciate you so much.

Anyone else feel like their brain starts to tell them they’d be happier if they were gay or trans? Like it feels that way and you feel like you’re living a lie or something is wrong. It feels like my thoughts have shifted to that making it hard to see if this is real or not.

Hey guys, so these past 4 months I had a sudden onset of OCD after a concussion. It first started with HOCD which was super distressing as I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend. It then evolved into transgender OCD, which was horrible as well but it felt easier to disprove my intrusive thoughts. That and of course horrible health anxiety about my head. And it’s funny, as soon as I got comfortable with one topic, the OCD would jump to another. Basically over time I accepted all these negative thoughts about all these topics, so where does my mind go? I had a physical groinal response to an image of an underage person. It freaked me out so much that all day I was obsessing over it, I eventually told my girlfriend as she’s been supportive with me over the other topics. But this…. She’s angry with me, and doesn’t trust me anymore. And she doesn’t understand the groinal response. She did ask to sit in a therapy session with me to help her understand. But that’s about all the communication I’ve gotten from her. I feel so alone. And it’s literally ruining everything I’ve built up with her for the past 9 years. I wish I hadn’t told her. And instead just asked her to join a therapy session with me. Just making this post as I just need someone to talk to.