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hey do i recent started taking birth control pills again and i noticed that my moods are really bad and i am feeling very depressed and suicidal should i stop taking them is this normal ?

I literally can't sleep and I had a mental breakdown. I am afraid because guys don't find me attractive because I am a calm nonchalant female (often mistaken as a stud). Females always find me attractive but I only like men. I am masculine because of the constant stress of being the oldest daughter and having a father who is a narracist (cheater) who never showed me how love should be from a good man. My last relationship the guy was also a narcissistic and he saw me as competition because of my personality. It makes me very upset and emotional. Men will come up to me and say “ maybe if you acted more like a girl I would give you a chance” “ your not crazy like the others” “ don’t call me bro” “ your built like a man” I literally get used in relationships for my body. I have never been loved correctly by a man ever. And that's all i want.Every time I think about it I feel like I don’t want to date anyone anymore and save myself the trouble in the future.I just want to be taken off this earth. I feel like God is watching me struggle because he knows eventually I have to let my guard down but I can’t. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I am going insane.

i want to feel human. i want to feel emotions how normal people feel them. i get everyone is different but i dont get it. everytime i feel human for a second i get a random feeling of discouragement and false sense of temporary joy. i want it to stop but it wont stop why wont they stop. ocd and bipolar are not a good combination

We all have triggers to our OCD but what mine are like are i just recently got out of my OCD attacks, but recently there’s a story of a girl who recently committed and me being dumb knowing that that stuff triggers me watched all about it. now my thoughts are “what if i do that” “what if im not happy in my life” “what if i want to kill myself” but also “your just like her your depressed and want too” and “your not happy” when in all reality i’ve been so happy with my life and living until i started watching all of those videos. I’ve been panicking all day and have been isolating myself from everything because i feel like everything is a trigger to my thoughts. my thoughts are convincing me that i want to kms and im not happy but in reality i am. i hate ocd so much i hate it. because i know i would never do this thought but its causes so much stress and time of my life i feel that i cant function.

what are some things that help when you have unwanted thoughts and urges? For me i notice whenever I am upset I have a strong urge to want to hurt myself. I have too much anger built up inside of me and I need help. The gym helps calm me a little bit and i used to crotchet but i have been busy lately. Please any advice. I don't want to sit with these feelings or thoughts because i am scared of what will happen if I let go and hurt myself. I am scared of myself because i know i can be very violent because of all of my traumas.

I have pocd and i’ve started feeling better about the whole thing but I can never fully get over it. I don’t have panic attacks over the intrusive thoughts anymore, but I can’t help but feel so grossed out and whisper “ugh i hate myself, i wanna kms” to myself. It’s like every time i start feeling happy about anything, I get reminded of the fact that I have disgusting thoughts that I shouldn’t and I can stop thinking about how it’ll affect my future. What if it gets worse. What if I get in a relationship and he wants kids. I don’t ever want to have kids and I don’t ever want to explain to my s/o what i’m going through. What if my ocd gets really serious like it was last year but I won’t be able to get help because I can’t tell anyone. Ik others without ocd will never understand. Sometimes I really wish that I die so that I don’t have to deal with that. But I want to live and enjoy life. I want to travel and fall in love and have a family, but Ik my ocd will never let me be happy.

hi, I haven't posted here before, but I'm feeling really alone and hoping this will help a bit. I was diagnosed with OCD 2 years ish ago, after being able to hide a lot of cleaning compulsions during the pandemic as everyone was doing them, but it's really gotten worse in the past 6months ish. I'm on 100mg sertraline which seems to help take the edge off, but not really do much else. my main theme is contamination but others present too. I'm just feeling really out of control at the moment, the control it has on my life is so intense and I feel like nothing is helping. I'm in therapy doing ongoing cbt/dbt due to trauma, but also working partially on other things, I have done a course of cbt in the past but felt it had no effect. I have been looking into ERP but the thought of actually facing the things that trigger me is absolutely terrifying, the anxiety I get even when having to delay a compulsion almost always leads to a panic attack, today i didn't have my hand sanitiser on hand and had to walk back to a class to get it up one flight of stairs and that felt like it was too long and caused such a bad spiral. The flare I had today and reflecting on the last few months had me googling if I'd ever qualify for euthanasia (not legal in UK anyway) purely because this condition is so debilitating. I don't want to die, and everyone thinks I'm suicidal, but death isn't something I want at all, I just want this all to stop, and the thought of there being no cure and living with this forever is so scary and makes me feel like living isn't worth it. Everywhere says that OCD gets worse with age, and the thought of it being worse than this is terrifying. I'm scared, I think. I don't want to die, and I don't think anyone gets that, but I can't face it, either, because it feels so real to me. I know I need to, and I know it will help eventually, but I just wanted to sort of share what I was feeling, hoping others do as well. I know there are others, but it still feels so lonely.

For those OCD Conquers who have POCD, Harm/Suicidal OCD etc ... I would love to know how you got through Of course ERP, but how are you really doing today?? Do you still get thoughts of POCD or Suicide OCD? If yes, what's one Response prevention TIP that really worked for you? Needing some inspiration NOT reassurance that it's possible to move on from this OCD loop I am in at the moment

So this is more of a rant and I’ll try not to seek reassurance but it’s really tough right now. I got diagnosed later (when I was 30) when I had a pretty big suicidal ocd onset after I had several family losses including ( one close one and one family friend to suicide which wrecked me) so needless to say I had a breakdown and felt like a baby and couldn’t be away from my mom or brother, I literally drove up to their house cause I couldn’t handle the thoughts and spent two months there before I went into erp which helped a lot. A big hang up I had was I considered my cousin and I very similar and close but he didn’t want help and I didn’t understand him so I have a lot of regrets regarding how we approached it but we didn’t know either. So fast forward to now I’ve had erp and I-cbt and trauma work and the anniversary of his passing happened a week ago. I thought I was fine, it’s been a long time since it happened and I was so proud of myself for conquering the suicide theme as it didn’t affect me any more and I was confident in my ability to deal with it. But then I had SO-OCD show up something that has popped in here and there but never this strong, so I have been dealing with that and now that that’s gone the suicidal ocd is back and it’s so upsetting to me and I don’t feel confident anymore. I will say after reading some posts I do have a fear I realize of not being able to manage my mental health so any time I start feeling negative feelings I can start to worry and go down that rabbit hole. Idk if that is what happened. Lately I’ve been struggling with and being frustrated with finding a job I like and dating ( has always been a struggle) and I moved to a different city and live with my family again ( after my first onset I did leave my families house and go home for a few yrs and did my erp but after i was in remission I just wanted a change and needed a safe space to start over as I didn’t see myself in my old city anymore just scrapping by). I’m glad I made the change and I’ve had positive things happen for me where I’ve been slowly overcoming my dating fears and my ocd themes and found an area of work I liked and pursued… but nothing has happened and I’m frustrated I thought it would all be an uphill swing as long as I just intentionally tried and I feel like it just hasn’t landed. And I’m also realizing sometimes that happens but my perfectionism can really start working its magic in me to beat myself up about not doing or being enough. I’ve always had this fear that I’m just gonna end up a bum and this past weekend I was down and just tried to let myself feel down despite fears of depresssion because I was just looking at the trend of my life and I feel like the outlook doesn’t look great despite me trying I even logically know I’ve done way more and come a lot farther that I “ feel” I have big feelings can trick you I’ve learned especially when you have ocd about not being able to handle them. Anyways I’m in a state of just like really because last night i was down and teared up about the changes happening with my friends starting families and I was trying not to be down but then kept having thoughts of what’s the point in trying you’re not gonna get the things you want, your never gonna stop feeling bad or confused about your emotions, what if you’re actually depressed and want to die and then I would have no emotional reaction to it cause I just feel like numb to it or apathetic at this point. I know I know I don’t want that but it’s liek my lack of feelings toward it is trying to convince me otherwise. Then I went to bed in a foul mood and mad and Ofcourse had the suicidal thoughts pop up and trying not to pick it apart or test if I wanted it there ( but I did give in to the testing a few times and felt nothing) I was liek just go to sleep you’ll feel better tomorrow your ocd is just fucking with you. Then I had a dream that I was super sad and emotional everyone else was happy and doing things with their life and starting families ( which I again don’t get I don’t want to start a family right now I’m just trying to get into dating and maybe finding a partner) and here I was not ready but feeling left behind liek I didn’t get the memo and in my emotional state in the dream I said I wanted to die and I remember feeling liek no this can’t be true but it felt like real and out of my control. Almost all my friends are getting pregnant and as a woman in their 30s this has gotten to me ( I never thought it would). And so I woke up this morning feeling that intense sadness left over from the dream and not wanting to get out of bed and trying to talk myself out of the dream like it wasn’t real and is again my ocd just fucking with me. I think I should also mention that I’m about to start menstruating and have pms/pmdd sometimes. I guess I just wanna know if there are others out there that experience this liek you’ve conquered themes but then they back door through a new theme. And I honestly just feel like it’s stupid af but my ocd is liek but it could actually be you’re depressed and suicidal and I just feel like all my work is gone. Is ocd more likely to strike when you’re frustrated with certain aspects of your life, does it make you more vulnerable to it. I know my cousins anniversary is a potential trigger but I thought I was okay but maybe it was just there in the background. Idk. Looking for support and ppl who have gone through it too and I know we can come out of it and conquer it even if sometimes you really don’t want to cause it’s tiring.

My biggest fear right now is not getting better and rhats so scary. I dont want death to be "my only way out" I hate this so so much. Please if any one has advice pls do give because i feel hopeless. I want to live again. The overwhelming amount of fear anxiety i get every day is just too much. Please help.

Hi everyone. Has anyone's OCD skyrocketed after an abusive relationship and/or after having children? I've always had some version of OCD but two years ago in February of 2022, I experienced this really horrible bout of DPDR. I lost my sense of self, I was having really strange spiritual thoughts or existential thoughts. I was in an abusive relationship at the time. I'm still recovering from that. But my OCD jumps around. Today, I was worried I was having a brain aneurysm because of a mild headache and because I'm prescribed Lexapro for my depression/anxiety and a low dose of adderall for my adhd. I've been on these meds for a while with no issues but I am now getting thoughts like," maybe I'll have a stroke or an aneurysm from my meds." With no reason to think so. And then I spend hours googling. The health anxiety and death anxiety are fueled by a fear of my kids being without a mother (I'm a single mother.) in some ways, the fear has helped me to make healthier choices but these thoughts of death and the million things that can cause it are taking away from the joy of living. The DPDR seemed to kick this off. Does it ever get better? I exercise, meditate, pray, talk therapy, I just want to feel like "me" again.

Suicide OCD people help. Tell me your stories, tell me it gets better and eventually stops, tell me it’s normal. Tell me something !

I have been struggling for years with overwhelming and disturbing thoughts ever since I was as young as 5/6 (after one of many traumatic events). After said incident, it had left me with severe separation anxiety which had eventually made me develop a major skin picking issue that still affects me today. I have very violent and sexual thoughts out of nowhere but with some distraction I can get them out of my head. I think about doing things I have no desire to do AT ALL because it’s morally incorrect and downright disgusting. (Mentions of suicide)…but sometimes when I become embarrassed I picture myself committing suicide but I have no interest in dying nor do i have the desire to die. I hate to admit it but I become obsessed with individuals as well, (friends, potential partners and celebrities). I tend to become very obsessed and attached to individuals or ideas that I have interest in and I become extremely invested in and that’s all that’s on my mind for weeks and even months. (I know it sounds silly but I was obsessed with Batman for 3 years straight) it was all my mind was set on. I very often think about the afterlife and what I need to do to rest peacefully, it sometimes consumes me for hours or I wondering if I’m upsetting god. There’s much more I have to say but it’s already long enough, I’m just looking for advice to deal with this because I don’t know what’s going on with me and I hope I can have some helpful suggestions or insight, thank you! :)

I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Every new day brings new triggers and I’m starting to believe that I’m a monster that needs to be tucked away from the rest of the world. Not only for other people but for myself. I just want to sleep. I am so tired. And I can’t even begin to tell my family because they just don’t understand. They think OCD is simply cleaning and tidying up things and I can’t seem to get it through their heads that I’m living with this disorder, day in and day out. I just want some relief, even for a little bit.

Yesterday was such a bad day for me,it felt like I was stuck in this chamber with my mind and I just cried and stayed in my room. Today I went out to make an effort at being productive but I just don't feel present and I feel so tired. I'm sitting outside the store cause I got dizzy and everything just felt weird while doing shopping withmy family. I feel hopeless. I knew death was a thing before this flare up and I was fine,I've had problems with this ocd years ago but I don't feel strong enough to endure. Now my mind just wants to ruminate, "maybe you forgot about death and now you're remembering it again and this is how it will be forever". The fact that I will die makes it so hard to stay "uncertain" with this OCD. It's making it so hard to do anything and enjoy life. I know it's my brain causing this anxiety,but when the thoughts overwhelm me it's hard. I'm gonna cook something today and make the effort to enjoy it.

my mom shared a post with me about someone we knew being arrested for cp things. i’ve been obsessing over it for like 30 min now. i feel like i want to watch those things and i would like it. would i actually do it? no. do i feel like i would like it? yes. what if this isn’t ocd and i’m actually like that. i’ve done things in my past as a kid that could make me believe i’m a pdo and i just think what if i’m still like that or what if i am that. i feel like i don’t deserve to live. i’ve been imagining these types of things to test if i really like it and i feel like i do, i feel gross.

Hi all, I’ve been struggling with Clinical Depression for 4 years and OCD for 2 years. I just wanted to take the time to vent about what I’ve been going through mentally. I feel as though this is a safe space to talk about my mental health and I hope that whoever out there is struggling like me, you’re not alone. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been having suicidal ideations because I’ve felt I’m not good enough for anything and have been stuck in a cycle of negative overthinking. It wasn’t until 4 days ago I fell into a depressive state. I was bed bound all day yesterday and cried on and off. I understand MDD and OCD go hand in hand together, so fighting this depressive phases feels 10x harder to fight. I don’t feel deserving of nice things or to enjoy life, so I isolate myself as if I’m putting myself in timeout for not being good enough. I don’t want this depressive episode to last long like it normally does. I’m not in therapy, so I try to help myself logically by reading academic reports and studies about people who struggle with MDD and OCD. This is my version of the first step in exposure therapy. I normally tend to isolate myself, but that gets me nowhere so I want to be more involved in a community that understands what it’s like to have OCD and Depression. I’m going to force myself to get up and take action. Even if it’s just something simple like making my up bed, then at least I accomplished something. Fighting depression is exhausting, but being extremely depressed for 2 month is even worse and I can’t let that happen again. If anyone has any advice or just want to talk about what they’re going through, please feel free to comment and talk freely. Even if I’m struggling, I don’t want anyone to struggle alone like I’ve been. “Everyone has strengths and limitations. Having OCD is one of my problems, but that doesn’t mean I am a complete failure. There are some things I can do well.” -Jonathan Abramowitz, PhD

i have recently started a job for the first time in my life. i've had to stop it temporally because depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety-ocd have all made it impossible for me to work. but the worst of all is my relationship ocd. my partner and i have a lot of conflicts. most times we don't argue, it's just a minimal conflict, but it leaves me anxious for the rest of the day. there are recurrent topics in these conflicts. for example, today we "argued" because she has a lot of dark humour and i get very anxious when i hear her making comments about it. i'm not necessarily against dark humour, but I can't stand HER doing it, can someone relate? my head starts spinning around the idea that maybe we're not compatible and we shouldn't be in a relationship. i don't know what to do. i'm going to therapy (it's common CBT, i can't afford ERP), i'm on meds. im sincerely desperate and my suicidal thoughts keep coming over again and again. i'm not exactly looking for advice, just venting and validation, but any feedback would be appreciated. thank you 😊

- any Christian with advice is highly needed ! I’m suffering from pocd thoughts for about two years now, feb this year was the forts time I experienced this I have no relief I always have these responses all the time and I can’t even live in peace it’s so bad and idk what to do I’ve been crying none stop and I just want to know what can help me not get responses anymore These feelings/thoughts make me want to kms..

Many times i feel like ocd is just a label that i use for anything and even real problems. The idea that we just ignore everything and dont think about it is not possible cause if you have a problem and that problem generates thoughts and feelings, you have to work on it. Cause how do you know if thats ocd or not? We say we dont try to figure it out, but if its generated because of a real problem, how we know if its something we leave there or we have to work on it. I will give you many exemples, my problem is now with my sexual needs. It got strong cause one day i just lost control and i engaged in some sexual thoughts and that made the sexual need stronger. So this is a real problem right? Its clear that i have to work on it, now i noticed that the sexual need got to a point where it gave me feelings about things that are really bad, basically what pocd is about, and you can say its ocd, but i have a real problem which is repressed sexual needs, and how do i know that it didnt got that bad that it gives me those feelings? Its easy to say its ocd cause i dont like it but i heard stories that there were some who didnt wanted to do it but still did it to relase the feeling. Another exemple, i say i have harm ocd and suicidal ocd, but what i experienced now was what i read before about suicidal people, i got angry at my family, i felt like i dont get attention, so i had thoughts aboit something bad happening to me so than i would get attention. It even jumped in my mind when i was so angry that if i would die they would feel bad now that they didnt gave me attention, and these are very similar to people who do self harm to get attention. When i shared this to my therapist she said im like these people, cause i want attention. Maybe the attention part is true, but i dont want to harm myself to get attention... Many times these suicidal, self harm thoughts are very similar to real suicidal thoughts, cause the whole situation is like its actually real cause im angry or im sad because of something, i feel a little hopeless for a second and because all these situations i cant say its just ocd, ignore it... For me its like there are signs that might show that these are actually real feelings and thoughts and then i spin over it. And about religious ocd, i spin about sin, we all have sins and we will never be free from them, so when i sin i feel shame and sometimes i dont know if its real sin or ocd, but i just cant say its ocd when i know i have a sin battle, but then accepting that i did sin just makes me tired mentally cause this is happening alot now...