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My mental health is at its lowest and I'm sick of existing

I don’t know what happened again. I feel so numb. I feel like I want to d!e. Not into doing something to myself and I’m making sure I’m not alone anyway, but I just can’t stand that feeling. Emotionally so exhausted and distressed. I just need someone to tell me it will eventually pass. Please. My life was so good before all of it. I can’t even be sad about it anymore. I don’t know if things can ever go back to normal. I feel like my brain changed. Idk how to explain it.

I’ve been struggling recently what if the “ what if these aren’t intrusive thoughts from ocd” because my mental health has been terrible , I’m at at ting to have suicidal thoughts and siv never been a depressed person I’m very scared of death actaully:( it’s scaring me that I’m having these thoughts and images 😕

I struggle with Harm/Suicidal OCD. This causes me great distress and worry. Not only doubt, fear, and stress! I am trying to not take medication because my husband and I are finally expecting our first baby. I want to be the best for myself & my family that I can be. What has help everyone else? The thoughts and feelings make it feel so real that I want to commit suicide when in reality I do not & they make me think so many horrific thoughts. I want to be the person I was before that didn’t have any of these thoughts. Any recommendations for help is greatly appreciated!

i remember feeling more hopeless in the past, having lower moments, mentally, you know, in 2022 i completely lost it. and i remember being 14 in 2020 and for the first time really considering ending my life. but still every day i wake up and go to sleep in the ocd prison, i am so tired, no one understands the patterns are the same, have been the same for years and yet i don’t know how to cope. it’s so exhausting.

I've had ocd for a year now, seen 3 therapists (currently seeing my 4th one now). the truth is i feel like i can't find the right therapist. ive isolated myself for almost a year now, only my family has access to me but they don't understand how hard it is for me. the worst part is ocd is incurable and u can never heal from ur triggers. i try to stay positive as much as i can but i dont feel I can make it far enough. even my therapist says "its gonna be all okay" but ik its never gonna be.

Am I the only one who is losing hope for healing from ocd? I was always really hopeful about it and thought that I will recover soon but now I had ocd for so long (4 years) already and even though I noticed changes they were not the biggest. About half a year ago I had suicidal thoughts and I feel them coming back. I don’t know if that’s normal or I might just have depression? Anyways, I’m just so sick of my ocd if someone has advice for staying hopeful or if someone just have any quotes or something that makes them stay motivated that would be great! ❤️✨🌧️

Early this morning I was laying in bed with my youngest daughter. My Harm OCD was having a field day. The intrusive thoughts that I would hurt her. So vivid and alarming scared me so bad. I really had to lean into "these are ocd thoughts" I know I would NEVER hurt her. My therapist has let me know OCD takes what we value most and turns it against us. Being able to identify that it is a terrible thought and the fact that it brings horrible fear with it shows that it is OCD. I just hate this. Other subtypes are horrible too but this I think is the worst. I also have suicide OCD that flares up from time to time. I have a irrational fear of dying/getting older but I still have the thought of "What if I get so bad I just snap and think its the only way out" and then I spiral in those thoughts of guilt and not wanting to get that bad. Other days I have just the residual anxiety that sits there. The physical feeling of the adrenaline dumping into my body and not knowing why. I have been able to function and I am working on reframing and identifying triggers (Fairly new to this). Not seeking reassurance, but I am wondering if anyone else has had similar. PS. I have started having very Vivid dreams when I go to bed. I don't know if its the OCD or if its the recent med change. If anyone has input or wants to discuss some of them I am very open to it.

I got therapy 4-5 months ago and she helped me understand i have ocd but it was also getting worse i would hurt my self a little more and cry alot to a point i couldn't and im getting tired of ocd and therapy and talking to my teachers about it because its getting worse everyday i just want to get out of school and out of my house maybe even the mental hospital is good but i don't want to go to school or home im thinking of maybe killing my self then surviving (sorry if i triggered u)

its been 2 weeks since i lost my best friend due to a seziure and i’ve been struggling so badly with scidial ocd and death anxiety.. i get thoughts of “what if i’m next” or “what if i don’t make it in life at this young at 17“ because she was 16 and her birthday was a few days after she passed then i have my scidal ocd thoughts that been with me since january i’m so annoyed when i get these thoughts still of “oh what if i’m actually scidal?” or “what if i want to actually do it” and it gets me so frustrated then everytime i look at a knife i get this thought in my brain “pick it up and stb yourself in the wrist” and it’s a constant thoughts and im like noo please noo but the other day i had a therapy it went okay i guess… but i was telling her about losing my best friend and telling her i’m still highly aware that it’s ocd… she was like well a psychiatrist would diagnose u with ocd then she asked if i pay attention to numbers and im not for sure sometimes i don’t even know my compulsions.. but i do repetitively like tell people my thoughts so i’m guessing that’s repetitive reassurance.. ofc the same thoughts that happen: “what if i hurt myself” “what if i want it to happen” “do i want it to happen because i’m going through a lot” “i don’t want it to happen… but what if there is a reason to” but it makes me nervous that i’m afraid it’s true because i think this happens from a tramatic experience from losing a classmate even tho i wasn’t as close with her it tramatized me bc she passed away due to s*cide and i guess that’s why it started my fear because she had mental issues but she also did drugs and that started that crazy maze with my thoughts.. but not the only thing after when my best friend passed away at the funeral it was a open casket, she was rlly pale and it was rlly scary i use to constantly check myself to make sure i wasn’t gonna turn pale but it calmed down but every Wednesday night i was having trouble sleeping because i was having racing thoughts while i was sleeping so i guess i was sleeping very light but i get scared i will die in my sleep… because my best friend passed away on thursday 2 weeks ago and i stay up at a certain time because i’m scared something is gonna happen to me abut my therapist still hasn’t figured out saying if i have ocd or not but i’m so stressed with my therapist and i have money issues in my family so it’s hard to get therapy sessions with low money and my parents work a lot but also to mention i might change to nocd it’s just nothing feels right now like i’m soon gonna be 18 in july im just so stressed my mental health has gotten bad… and when i get recommended coping skills i feel like it’s not working or i’m having trouble understanding the way of it… but i have a learning disability it’s not close to being dislexic but i have trouble understanding reading or getting the idea of something.. and i’m scared that’s why my coping skills isn’t working so i get thoughts like “what if i try to cope and it doesn’t work then that’s when i hurt myself” and i’m just so fricking tired of it i’m trying so hard like how do u sit there with it hello? sometimes when i have the thoughts in the back of my head i’m like oh well it’s gone where did it go? then it comes back yk? because it’s like a daily thought obsession im like i wish it could magically disappear without having a single thought of it… my compulsions are ressurance and rumination which makes me so mad that it happens because i have mental compulsions.. sometimes i feel like “what if i don’t have ocd and what if it’s real and stuck like this the rest of my life?” i’ve also been getting closer to god and i’ve been praying and ik he’s here with me i’ve just been impatient and it takes time ik it does i’m just so annoyed feeling this everyday..

I suffer with harm ocd, towards my husband I kinda was getting over it already because I knew I didn’t wanna do it but I yesterday I fell into my depression episode again. I started crying really bad. I just felt super sad. Really confused a lot of emotions till today. I still feel like that. I don’t know if it’s because my hormones are all over the place. I got sick from the flu and I also have my period but I’m about to end it and I feel a lot of things. I just feel super sad yesterday with no like motivation. I started feeling sad again with no purpose on life . I recently saw this video like when people get happy while having depression is because they made a decision that they wanna like end their life and I’m scared. I’m gonna do that like I’m scared. I’m gonna start having suicidal thoughts or like I get happy. That like I know it’s because I wanna end my life. I feel so much for my husband I love him because he’s the one that helped me out, but I don’t know why my mind gets mad whenever I think that I love him so much like it’s like something and it gets mad and makes me think I wanna kill him for no reason and I feel like no motivation for anything so it’s like you would want to do that because there’s no reason of living anymore if you are gonna be sad your whole life.

I am issuing a trigger warning because I will be discussing Su!cide themed OCD and don’t want to trigger anyone struggling with thoughts like this. ❤️ I have been struggling with suicidal themed ocd (not ideation, unwanted thoughts that are very distressing) as well as existential OCD. I am posting this to help anyone feel less alone / if anyone with similar themes wants to chat. My main fear is that I will become sick of the distress I am experiencing and will decide that I want to commit S. I also fear being depressed and being passively suicidal and am constantly checking whether I truly want to die or whether it’s OCD related. Then my existential OCD loves to join in saying “what if this is all pointless, this is all meaningless, life will never be enjoyable again” etc. I then fear that I will start to believe these thoughts because they feel so real & that my philosophy on life will change and I will take my own life because I cannot take it anymore. I feel like I cannot move on without knowing that there is a purpose and that I 100% will NOT k!ll myself. But I am aware of how OCD works. I know I need to leave these questions alone because my true values still exist deep down, but it feels irresponsible to do so. I DO NOT want reassurance, but I am sharing this so people feel less alone because these themes (especially su!cidal) are extremely taboo. Love to anyone reading this- we are gonna make it!! ❤️

why do I keep feeling like this Just wanna cry Just wanna cut I don’t know how to deal with this

so it’s been a few days i lost my best friend it’s been hard my ocd has gotten worse but i had a therapy session yesterday it went okay i guess… but i was telling her about losing my best friend and telling her i’m still highly aware that it’s ocd… she was like well a psychiatrist would diagnose u with ocd then she asked if i pay attention to numbers and im not for sure sometimes i don’t even know my compulsions.. but i do repetitively like tell people my thoughts so i’m guessing that’s repetitive reassurance.. my ocd thoughts were rlly high this morning like: “what if i hurt myself” “what if i want it to happen” “do i want it to happen because i’m going through a lot” “i don’t want it to happen… but what if there is a reason to” but it makes me nervous that i’m afraid it’s true because i think this happens from a tramatic experience from losing a classmate even tho i wasn’t as close with her it tramatized me bc she passed away due to s*cide and i guess that’s why it started my fear because she had mental issues and that started that crazy maze with my thoughts.. but not the only thing after when my best friend passed away at the funeral it was a open casket, she was rlly pale and it was rlly scary i use to constantly check myself to make sure i wasn’t gonna turn pale but it calmed down but then last night i was having trouble sleeping because i was having racing thoughts while i was sleeping so i guess i was sleeping very light but i get scared i will die in my sleep… my therapist still hasn’t figured out saying if i have ocd or not and sometimes i feel like i’m depressed or if i’m bipolar

sometimes i genuinely believe that i would be a lot better off as dead. i hate being like this. i hate being me. i don’t want to be a bad person or a burden on anyone. it’s starting to feel like i want the thoughts because they’re no longer causing me anxiety, i don’t know if that’s down to my meds or what but. it’s like i feel disgust and guilt but i don’t feel the panic if that makes any sense? i’m a terrible person, i don’t deserve any type of happiness. it all feels so real, i fully believe what my ocd is telling me even though i know this time a few months ago i wouldn’t have ever thought anything like this. when will this all stop? i feel like the right thing for me to do is end it all

I feel like dying right now

I'm a 16 Y/O male who always had anxiety and panic attacks. Recently my anxiety went up terribly with a fear of having a brain tumor or having an aneurysm. One night this terrible thought came into my head about killing my family and how simple it would be and it scared me to death. This feeling went through my body and I kept thinking "what's stopping me" | don't think I want it but what if I do? What if one day I get so angry and snap? I feel like l'd rather take my own life before someone else's but what if that won't be the case later on? I've tried meds before but eventually just never took them. I'm not sure if I should take them again or if they'll make me even more insane. I feel like my brain won't be able to control its self someday. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I really can't stop it. I live in such a small town with not much "therapy" that's face to face. Most of it is online. I want to be okay. Can someone please PLEASE help me.

What happened yesterday, i posted before that we got sick, now we know we got food poisoned, but we feel better, however my experience and the memories that came back makes me really uncomfortable. I got the memories when i had really bad mental health problems and i got attacked by suicidal thoughts, and i was panicking and felt depressed and like i need people to feel safe, and all these feelings and thoughts came back. Always said i had suicidal ocd but this one felt like if i couldnt have someone maybe i could lose my mind and act on the thoughts cause i was really desperate. But now im only spinning about why do i had that, does it mean im actually suicidal in hard times, and it actually makes me sick in my stomach, i feel really bad about it. One thing that makes me feel good that im so open about it and that might mean that its just ocd, but also i read posts on reddid where people shared their original suicidal experiences and those people are open too and they feel shame about the thoughts too, so it doesnt gives me the feeling that its clear that mine is just ocd... alot of times it comes up when im having a really hard time and i feel like that means something...

This disorder has nearly ended my life. Not even 1 hour ago i tried walking into a sea and wanting to end it because of this ocd and the loneliness that comes with it. For anyone out there you are not alone and always know that you have people out there who are by your side.

Do you cope with genuine hopelessness? Deep down I am convinced this will never get better. I think about suicide a lot, but that would hurt my family. But even being alive is hurting them because I cannot stop the mental breakdowns. I also cannot afford therapy. But it's the hopelessness. I feel that suicide is inevitable because I cannot live with this. I cannot stop self harm and I have a mental breakdown almost every week and often multiple times a week. The self harm is giving me brain damage. I literally have no hope. None.