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Mental Disorders have ruined my entire life... It's just over... Don't know where to vent anymore...

context: I’m 21 attending community college. ever since spring of 2023, I’ve been pretty much failing my classes. I have dropped out of some and passed a couple. a bit of history; I used to be an A/B honor roll student. I repeated my senior year of high school to do me being at my lowest. I just kept working a lot and putting no effort into my school work. I felt much happier at work than school because of the people around me. it felt like I didn’t care about my grades at all and that I didn’t want to see anyone from my grade at graduation. fast forward, I’m trying to complete my associate’s degree. my goal initially was to graduate around this time of the year or summer. obviously, with me just failing classes again, I’m going to have to stall my graduation. for the most part, I have been paying for my classes except this recent semester which was Spring. my dad paid for it and yet I dropped out of some classes and failed the rest. I haven’t told him about it because I’m scared and just disappointed in myself that I let it happen again. now I’m working more due to it being summer and doing classes online in hopes to finish my degree sooner. I want to repay the amount my dad paid back to him because I feel so guilty. of course, it’s my fault and I understand that. I’m holding accountability for my actions. I just haven’t been the best mentally even though I’m trying to improve. it’s like one day I’m doing okay and then it falls back again. there’s not much business going on at work and new employees have been quitting. there’s one person quitting and I have been feeling the same for quite a while. I usually just try to think and say “just get through this summer” because I need the money. I feel like trying for another job is hard. but then I asked my dad yesterday if anyone at the company he works for needs people. he said that there’s plenty of positions and he can get me in. as much as I don’t like the food industry, I have experience in it & if I will make more than I do now with my current job, I might as well start there. I just hate having to deal with people. I’m not really that good at socializing. most of the time it’s just the forced “being nice & starting up conversations” to people so it’s not awkward. most of the time I’m quiet but once I open up a bit, I can talk. just not in a friend way because these are my coworkers. anyway, going back to college. I want to make enough so I can pay back that semester balance to my dad and have enough saved for a motorcycle. I haven’t taken a riding course yet, but will need to do I can see if it’s for me. I feel like riding a motorcycle will help me ease my mind. it’s like I need it. I’m desperate to just escape from here and just breathe. I have been thinking of paying for my own tuition for the fall. it’s going to cost a lot because I’m out of county and don’t make much anyway. I just feel so fucking dumb for wasting my time and money on classes that I didn’t even put effort in. I don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. I want to improve but when I try to start over again, I fall back. it’s been a constant cycle. I don’t want to fail again. I’m currently taking a class and doing the homework right now even though it’s the last day to turn it in for credit. I put myself into this because I want to work more for money yet complete my classes at the same time. my online friend told me to just take it easy and I just ignored her advice. I do understand her but I feel like I need to be catching up with people my age. I think most of them are on their last year of college or have graduated already. and yet I’m still here. struggling. I’m behind everything. my cousins that are close to my age (a bit younger) are doing well in college. they both know what to do and I’m still lost. one graduated already and the other is still in school. I feel so behind and a failure as a first generation student. so far, been failing classes, been mentally exhausted, dealing w/ self-harm, no irl local friends in 5 years and just lonely. I’ve been fighting with myself for this long. I can’t feel most things anymore. I’m just tired. and I would like friends, but as I mentioned in my previous post, I don’t know people’s true character. I don’t want bad people in my life. mini rant: I want friends my age. 20s. 19 is okay. 18 seems like pushing it but I just want someone my age or older. I want to feel where I believe I belong. I feel like an older sibling or something to those younger. nothing wrong with them but I’m just tired of being the older one I guess. I do have like 2 online friends that I talk to that are older. but they have their own lives and are busy. everyone is busy. I get that. I just feel so alone. I feel like a failure because of my performance at school. I don’t know where I’m going. I just want to find something to look forward to living life.

It genuinely feels like this disorder is taking away my whole life. I cant go outside and hangout with the people I love or even be around strangers because my thoughts will include them and I’ll just get really uncomfortable and anxious. It has made me distance myself from so many ppl in my life and made me have thoughts and feelings that I don’t want and that I hate making me feel like a monster and a disgusting person. Sometimes I’m genuinely so close to taking my life. It feels like there’s no hope for me at all and that I’ll be like this forever fighting my own brain till I’m old and on my death bed. I’m supposed to be enjoying my summer but I just can’t. I cant go outside, I can’t go on social media, hell I can’t do anything because there will be a child around that will trigger me into a spiral. I can’t stay all summer locked up in my room and constantly making excuses to not go out. It’s been feeling so real too like I’m really the type of person that I don’t want to be and it’s so scary.

I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. I don't want to live anymore.

Suicidal OCD people can you please share your experiences with these theme? I’ve had it before and now it’s back and feels worse than before. It’s making me feel like it’s not OCD and that something could actually happen. I would appreciate any shared experiences with this so I don’t feel so alone. Thank you all in advance

I had an ocd episode late this morning and I can't keep living myself like this. I wrote on my journal I feel like s****** is the best option for me. What made everything worse is I requested time off on june 1st because I was going on a day trip to see my sister. My manager denied because other ppl request time offs that day and my request was already too late. It's so frustrating because it's a part time job and I'm only scheduled to work only 4 hours (I had times where I worked a 3 hour shift) twice or even once a week. Whenever a shift is available, I always take it because I need I need the money. The one day I take a day off, I get denied. I can't switch shifts with anybody because no one won't be available.I can't afford to quit because in today's climate, it's so hard to find another job. It's just everything has been so difficult lately. With ocd, my life does not matter anymore.

The past few months have been really rough. And yes there is a trigger warning because it’s pretty intense.. I suggest not reading if you struggle with keeping your ocd in check and utilizing the tools to get better… So I have been struggling with suicidal ocd. It’s been so hard. I know it’s ideation and it’s ocd because it’s intrusive… I don’t want to think about it… but it got so intense that I’m not even sure what to do with it anymore. I’ve been doing exposures almost every time I encounter it and sitting with it. It takes all of my time… during work, social interactions and even when I’m just alone. I can’t seem to shake it off. And I’m a Christian and a firm believer that God is able to understand and move in this situation. So with that, it’s been hard to fully accept when He speaks life back into me… the thoughts and the intrusion is so precise and dedicated to my demise… it makes me feel stuck. And with no one to truly understand it makes me feel lonely… I’m not sure if anyone else is struggling with this or not. I assume so. But if any professional or more experienced person has any advice, that would be truly appreciated.

I hate this theme so much. It feels so real and dangerous. Intrusive thoughts of me hurting myself despite me not wanting to end my life at all. It doesn’t help when I get sad or upset, the intrusive thoughts come soaring in. It feels so real and I just want these thoughts to go away

Did anyone else have one POCD thought which then makes everything so sexual, everything you look at in life…people, children, animals, objects like anything and everything. I was normal before this 1 thought and now it’s ruined my life, making me believe I don’t want to be here anymore.

Because I struggle with false memory and real event ocd, I feel like God hates me. I remember praying to God please give me a reason to live and I honestly don't deserve it. What it makes this worse is that, I ask God to just end my life.

vent // ‼️TW: implied thought of su*cide‼️ hey guys, this is my first post. just wanted to share something from my notes app to see if anyone could relate! and if not, just something to see of how I feel/think when intrusive thoughts are beating me down :D here it goes: “I feel like I’m burning up. drowning. trapped. what if I am a bad person….? it’s like I’m obsessing over and over…. overthinking….. it’s killing me…. and I feel selfish for not wanting to die….. how would I react to someone who is going through the same thing as me…..? of the opposite sex….? I feel like I can’t even think for myself…. I doubt everything….. what if the next thing I feel or decision I make is wrong? I just want to be good. it feels like I just shed into a new person the next day……. like the past is not me……. but it’s still the same body……. I feel like I can’t ever be clean again…. I’m stained…… if I could go back to being a child, I would do the right things and make sure to stand my ground……. it’s hard…… not knowing if I should continue or not….. but again, I don’t want to die….. how selfish of me….. not because of that…… why do I keep asking so many questions…..??? like I’m not even sure who I am…..??? I’m doubting myself again……. sometimes I feel like a child that’s still learning about rights and wrongs…….. is it possible that I’m different…..? I feel like I see the world differently……. everyone does….but for me……there are certain things I don’t understand…… it’s hard……. sometimes wanting to go……. but thinking of her…….. oh, if I could just protect her from the world……. if she could just stay happy being little…… it’s funny how I want to shield her from the wicked…… but what’s the point if I feel like I am wicked myself……????”

Waking up in a panick everyday thinking if this is real life or not, the thoughts never stop, I just want to get better, I had a panick attack yesterday thinking this wasn’t real life, I coped with alcohol for the past 4 years, now when I wake up it’s straight to this isn’t real life and you should just hurt yourself, am I going crazy ?

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and GAD. I pick my skin to cope with this sense of impending doom, then become more anxious because I’m afraid I’ll get an infection through the wound so I immediately pour hand sanitizer on it. The burning sensation provides temporary relief and it’s like I can “feel” the microbes dying? Like idk how to describe it. I also get unwarranted thoughts of self harm. I’ll randomly be like “being dead is easier” or “I don’t deserve to be alive.” I just get so overwhelmed with the future and then my brain is like “you could unalive yourself.” I know there’s some overlap between both disorders so I’m just wondering if anyone else has similar experiences? I feel like even though I have a diagnosis and am on medication and have been in CBT that something is off.

Suicidal ocd got so bad again, i means i still didnt healed that and i dont know how to heal it. I say its suicidal ocd but i still feel like it might be real and i explain why. Again i got so frustrated and felt down that i got thoughts like just end it im tired. Theres no guarantee that one day i might not act on this tho and this is why im afraid. Alot of times these thoughts come up when im angry, frustrated and depressed and even that i dont want to, its not concious, it makes me cope with the feelings cause when i have these thoughts suddenly the pain goes away and thats why im afraid cause it feels like im coping the pain with the thoughts of dying. I feels so diffetent than how others discribe suicidal ocd. I actually find it that mine is similar to the people who says they experienced suicidal thoughts before. I heard someone sharing her story and said she hated how shr looked and she experienced suicidal thoughts. For me when i deal with any anger or shame or i feel like i look ugly i do have these thoughzs too popping up my mind, i dont like them but they are there, but the girl who said it didnt liked them either and i feel like alot of times when people share about their suicidal thoughts, they doesnt like them. And what is the scariest thing to me, the usual beleif is that suicidal people doesnt want to die, they just want to end the pain. So there is, they doesnt want to die, they just want to escape. And when i ask that myself, i respond like well yeah i dont want die but do i want to stop the suffering? Well yeah who doesnt... and these thoughts are really strong for me it seems like i do have some problems with that cause others doesnt seem to struggle like this with it. So should i accept that im actually have suicidal problems and accept the shame and bad feeling and work on that?

Hello! I’m Jen, and new to this app/community but definitely not new to OCD. I’ve been experiencing obsessive thoughts on and off for 30 years, since I was 8. My Pure O always flares up when I’m going through periods of intense stress. I’m currently in a really bad place with my OCD—I’ve been experiencing a resurgence of obsessive thoughts (I think “assaultive” is a more fitting description) for the past 2 months. My aunt, who was more like a mom and who I felt loved me more than my parents, died relatively suddenly February 5th. The first month after her passing I felt fine—I was just kind of numb and disbelieving. But the next month, I had a panic attack at work so severe I had to go to the ER. And since then, my OCD, anxiety, and panic disorder have all been working in conjunction to make my life as difficult as possible. It’s been so frustrating because before this, my mental health had been in a really good and stable place for EIGHT YEARS! And now, in the wake of my grief over my aunt, I feel I’ve been reduced to that frightened 8 year old girl I was when this started. I just want my life back! My current themes switch back and forth between fear of ki****g myself, fear of ki****g loved ones, and fear of going insane. Logically I KNOW that because these thoughts cause me this much distress and pain, I am not likely to act upon them. And I also KNOW that I’ve never acted upon any of my dozens and dozens of intrusive thoughts I’ve experienced over the years. But KNOWING is not the same as BELIEVING and I’m just constantly terrified that the worst things I can think of will happen. In the past, I found 150mg of clomipramine to be very helpful so as of Tuesday 5/7 I’m back up to that dosage. The problem is this medication takes 4-6 weeks to make any noticeable difference. So I’m here to try and find other ways to help myself in the meantime. I’ve been aware of ERP for a few years but I’ve never done it before because A) clomipramine has always been highly effective on its own, and B) honestly I’ve been too scared. But now I’m sort of at the end of my rope when it comes to dealing with this monster and I’m willing to try anything and everything that could help. Of course I’m also terrified I’m the most hopeless case and it won’t help me and I’m a lost cause, etc. etc. It would help me to hear about your experiences with this program, your success stories and coping mechanisms any of you have had success with. Thank you for reading this whole thing, and I hope to read some hopeful messages. 💛

Hi everyone. I really want to go back to enjoying my life. I know its possible as i felt like this before 7 years ago but i am to much in my head to remember how i snapped out of it. I keep having panic attacks. I know there panic attacks. I know there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I know im not gonna just drop dead. Yet i keep getting anxious. I absolutely love my life. I have a job i enjoy. A loving husband and two beautiful children. Although we have normal life struggles i am still happy with my life. Yet 4 weeks ago my panic attacks started again. After being dormant for 7 years. Im afraid of death and leaving my family and life. I dont know why i am so afraid. I am a Christian (although i dont go to church) i believe in God and i believe my life is planned out for me. I believe whatever is gonna happen will happen and we are just along for the ride. I know whenever my times comes it will be my time. No amount of panicking will change that. I guess despite my faith i am human and the unknown of death and the fear if what i believe isnt real i could cease to exist and thats terrifying. I just want to be able to take on life not living in fear.

Hello, my name is Rydder, I’ve been having OCD my whole life and I’ve been able to handle my thoughts, but lately the past 3 months have been a wild ride! I went from court to court after 2 years of issues with the system, now that it is over I am scared about my well being, I’ve been having very bad intrusive thoughts lately about hurting myself or others, and it’s even making me hunch over in bed shaking and crying everyday because I’m not that type of person…. The mornings are so tuff I don’t even want to make it to work anymore, I’ve even called crisis lines because of my thoughts of hurting myself or other people with sharp objects, I just want to feel okay again! If anyone else has these thoughts please let me know and how to manage because I’m at the point where I call out to much and may become fired if I do!

First day of school after 2 month break, I feel both fine and stressed in same time. I wanna go back home, I don't wanna stay with normal people. They are all so normal while I'm so abnormal. I don't wanna stay with them. I don't like school. Everyone grew up, but I'm still the same.. No.. not the same.. I'm worse than previous semester. I can't touch anything that is dirty. I'm scared to touch my own bag. I'm scared to touch tables. I' scared to touch anything. Not even my own face or body. I can only touch my phone and my pocket and my hands. I wash hands 10 times at once or else I will feel like dying. Everything feels so dirty... I don't wanna do anything... No one understand me there... Not even my family... People will just say that I'm overdramatic if I explain... Hiding all these from people is better than explaining and got judged in the end. I hope I will survive.. I used to plan that I will die today...On the first day of the next semester. And today is that day... I don't wanna die yet... I hope I can surpass that plan... I don't wanna die before I could reach my goal... I hope I will be fine...

I’m not feeling good at all rn Grades with college have me thinking about everything and I feel like everything I’ve ever done makes me feel like I don’t deserve a good future I have an urge to pull my hair out and I don’t want to do that I don’t want to hurt myself. My past is just affecting me and my drive to work so much I’m so defeated I feel like I just need to lay I. A hole and never come out so I don’t hurt anyone ever again

I can't get out of bed. I can't eat. I'm already skinny. My thoughts and responses are so confusing now, they've all blended together and it feels so real now. All I'm thinking now is "I am." Even though I don't want to be, it's not me, but scenarios are playing in my head as if I like them and want them. I just don't want to be here anymore. I had other themes but they have been pushed out for this one.