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Is this normal??? I can’t handle it… makes me so sad i want to cry.. and then i definetly feel my sucidal thoughts are true??

Yeah ik if you read my posts I clearly exhibit behaviors of “POCD/OCD” all together but I don’t entirely believe it! Despite me really needing it to be! Yes, I’ve had a therapist tell me I have OCD. No I have not done any kind of ERP cause of my doubt of the diagnosis. One, let’s be honest, I have a porn addiction and these thoughts wouldn’t have gotten the way they got if I just let that be but every time I try to enjoy myself sexually, THERES THE THOUGHTS! I try to take some abstinence from it but then I go back to it cause i simply just want to, despite the thoughts then fall deeper into misery. Two, I never had ERP or actually doing the work in mind when I started therapy. I just wanted someone of expertise to tell me straight up that I have OCD so I could move on but DIDNT work. I’m a very impatient and miserable person so how could I really do the work when I just want it all to STOP for good and forget about it? Three, I know EVERYONE with OCD says this but I’m not a good person. I’m not a good friend, I’m not a good brother, or a good son. I’ve used guys for sex and never had the courage to actually MEET UP with them to actually do anything cause I’m that scared. Not to mention how much internalized homophobia I have. I’m selfish and only care about my own self interest. I could care less about everyone else’s problems cause how am I supposed to help? I’m literally convinced of being a fucking pedo and I likely am at this point. I’m sorry, I plan on talking to my therapist about all of this during the 4th session and hopefully she can help me understand better but I’m SO TIRED. All I wanna do is go to sleep and never wake up again this is FUCKED. My life feels like it’s over and what am I supposed to do when this feels so real? I don’t wanna do anything with myself except read, eat unhealthy food and sleep. I’m done and I’m sorry to everyone trying to help me when I can’t even help myself.

I feel just genuinely depressed... living with POCD and False memory OCD about "unknowingly explicitly messaging minors" is the worst thing ive ever experienced in my life... i cant even ask for reassurance because no one will answer... im genuinely alone and i want to stop existing...

i did a compulsion by googling something because of a conversation i was having with a bunch of friends. i really need help, Because of this googling i did it triggered me by remembering my real event (what i googled recommend me other searches and it was something that reminded me of it) im still trying to get over and move on because im told its not a big deal by ny parents and my counselor but god its a big deal to me- Can i talk to someone about this? Should i? I talked to my mom about the first half of what im feeling but not the second-I know this post is vague af but im just scared atm. im having really ugly thoughts about harming myself and just ending things-

Guys im so embarassed. And OCD makes it so much worse because it's giving me chronic guilt. I was at work and I made a joke about unaliving myself with a friend like really loud and I feel really guilty because it just kinda came out. My friends were laughing but I realize by some ppls reactions that mightve not been appropriate. I wasn't serious but I do make those jokes often with friends (unfortunate habit I've picked up due to my own s*icidality). My guilt is killing me and I have a strong urge to apologize to my coworkers. Should I or is it a compulsion and I should just leave it alone??

I started Zoloft 12 days ago and I feel it’s exacerbating my self harm OCD. I definitely do not want to hurt myself , but it felt so intense yesterday. I’m really hoping it doesn’t happen today because the anxiety is too much. Did this happen to anyone and should I continue it !?

Heyy guys, question out of the blue… is being scared of becoming depressed a thing? And therefor su*c*dal? Like I had su*c*dal ocd but it comes and goes but today I’m sick so I had to stay at home in bed and I just feel very tired ans my brain automatically linked that to depression… is preventing depression a thing? My OCD is manifesting in a lot of ways nowayds its sooo strange

I've been working hard on managing my thoughts all week. It feels like each day i got weaker and weaker. To the point where I had to do the obsession. This is a frustrating cycle. I'm having one of those days where I would rather die.

This might be triggering for some cause it can be misunderstood. I read that for some harm can be a compulsion, so it means that they actually act on the thoughts as a compulsion, and this got me scared cause i used to have urges. I know urges is tipical ocd symptom, yet i still question my thoughts. I have to accept that some will just say "go to a hospital" or "call 911", i'll just say that i ignore you... My thoughts used to be so agressive like it told me to do it, i didnt had just what if thoughts, my ocd told me to act on the thoughts, and this is where i question is this normal? Cause on the internet when you hear about people having thoughts about doing something, and those thoughts becomes commands, usually the person is ill or something is wrong with him and he needs serious help, and i always compare myself to those cause my ocd gave me commands. So this is the first thing that i wanted to talk about, im so afraid of harm becoming a compulsion. Second thing i want to talk about is kinda the same, i read this too on reddit and i could relate to this. The person wrote that his compulsions becomes really scary, he gets thoughts about harming his dog and as a compulsion to check that he will not do,he puts his hands over his dog neck but he feels so bad after. And this reminded me that i had the same mindset, when ocd told me to cut myself, i intentionally went to grab a knife and i even putted in to my skin to prove that i will not do anything and to lose the fear. But eventually ocd latched to this and then it told me to actually cut myself and because i used this method then it was i holding myself back to not act on it cause ocd said cut yourself cause then you will not be afraid of it. Its really disturbing and sick... im so afraid that these are signs that i would actually act on these as a compulsion, to not be afraid of it which is stupid, but im so afraid of this, is hard to ignore... I keep having in my mind that i actually couldve harmed myself i just had luck but im actually in danger of making it a compulsion and act on the thought. Did you had thoughts like this agressive?

I’ve been suffering from non stop 24/7 dpdr for a year and a half now. I never really had OCD in a big way before I suffered some major panic attacks. Since then I’ve been a completely different person. I used to live a carefree life of traveling. Socializing. Experiencing life. After my panic attacks I became agoraphobic, couldn’t leave the house or work. My thoughts were like a washing machine over and over. I’ve done a lot of work to help overcome the fear of panic, but I’m still stuck in a 24/7 DPDR state- my thoughts never stop, I’m always searching for answers about my mental health, I have music stuck in my head from the time I wake up to the time I got to sleep, my mind is racing, attacking what I value, saying hopeless thoughts, anxiously worried about everything, I don’t do physical compulsions but I’m mentally checking myself all the time to see if I’m in DPDR still, or if things feel “weird” - I have a huge fear of going crazy and death. Although I’m not having panic attacks anymore, I’m still mentally anxious all the time. I feel like I cannot escape my thoughts, they torture me. I can’t feel any emotions, I’ve lost my sense of self, I can’t make new memories or be present - I’m constantly in my head. A lot of what kicked this off was years of trauma that was stored in my nervous system, once unleashed, I haven’t been able to recover. I want my life back. I’m tired of living in fear and exhaustion to the point where nothing brings me joy. Anxiety and ocd have taken my freedom from me, I feel like the thoughts rule every decision I make instead of being able to live freely, sometimes I don’t think it’s anxiety because I can’t feel anything physically, but these thoughts torture me- no one should have to live this way. What do I do? I’m taking medication but all it’s done is stop the physical symptoms, the thinking has not gotten better

Fear and shame has been the foundation of my spiritual life. Having come to accept this I no longer see a point in even having one. I believe that there is a God, that he exists and has standards. I also believe that acknowledgement by Him has to be more than just believing one's own rhetoric. I don't love God, I don't know how, so what's the point of trying? But that said, I wouldn't be able to escape the knowledge that I made a choice to step away. So then what's the point of living? I'm a slave either way.

I have harm and suicidal ocd, sometimes i can notice its ocd cause its just worrying and theres no association with emotions im just worrying that i might do something, those times its clear to me that its just ocd, i dont even fear about it then. But there are times when i can associate with emotions, i go through something bad and i think "this is do bad, i want to die" or it can get agressive to with urges. With harm i experienced urges to harm people, that was a year ago now im just experiencing this suicidal intrusive thoughts. As i read here about suicidal ocd, i cant actually relate to people cause many just talks about it as a fear, a what if thoughts, having no association. Im dealing with really hard things right now that beats me up emotionally and then i have these suicidal thoughts with urges but i dont do anything cause i dont want to, im a christian and i know thats a sin but the crazy part is i have sometimes thoughts like "God will forgive me, Jesus died for our sin so it will be forgiven" and its crazy, i feel crazy, and im afraid that i will believe these distortions. So right now its really hard cause as i said i have a real life problem and i get these suicidal thoughts and it feels like its real. I always think that i have these cause i want to avoid pain and it seems like that cause i get it when im in so much pain. Another thing i cannot relate is people here say they are 100% sure they doesnt want to do it, for me, i doubt it. Ocd makes you doubt but then why everyone is sure they dont want to do it? Now i dont want to do it but in that time idk it feels like i want to and like im stopping myself to do something bad. Im tired of suicidal ocd, i have it for years now and it stops me to deal with problems cause when i feel overwhelmed it comes up and i feel like i want to do it...and im panicking and feel shame and guilt then depressed about it and then i dont deal with the problem i should, i deal with "maybe im suicidal". Im getting tired of it, i feel like its still here and i didnt recovered from it cause its not ocd, maybe its real problem. I tried every ocd method to heal this fear but it never went away and always comes up when im in pain... i start to think its real...

Im not sure how this can be connected, neglect can be connected with actaul harm but labeling it ocd actually feels like denying. Like theres an actual problem like emotional neglect and that can make harm and suicidal thoughts, like thats whats the norm now, we believe those thoughts come from traumas . Its just that thinking for me its an actual problem givey me more weight, now i will not deny that even if its ocd there is a deeper problem. I learned that i didnt really had a good father picture and a father has a big role in the family, but mine was more bullying than helpful. I didnt learned how to deal with problems and know that i can handle it cause my father wasnt motivating, he talked dows on us. So yeah these are things that i want to heal, its okay, the problem is that i get random harm thoughts and sometimes even suicidal thoughts, those are unwanted but i can overthink it like its real because of the pain i go true. This is where i said i have ocd, bc someone who is suicidal or wants to harm themself doesnt stop it or fights with it, but i do. But one thing i realized, just ignoring the thoughts doesnt help the long run, cause i do have a deeper problem. I struggling being kind to myself and sometimes i feel like noone likes me but its a lie. And this is where i get triggered cause if i feel like i dont like myself and i get hit by this random harm or suicidal thoughts i feel like its real, cause i think about the norm we know that suicidal thoughts come from lack of self love and trauma, and i see myself having the same problem i quickly associate myself to those people. And i feel bad saying its ocd. I dont want to act on them, but i get the urge and feeling like i want to and those times i think about other ocd types like pocd and i remind myself that people with pocd feel the feelings too, they arent just thinking the "what ifs" they have the body reactions and feelings too. But i had to realize that this reminder doesnt help me cause then it gets stronger and more agressive, then i have the "i dont care im doing it cause i want to" thoughts that drives me crazy, and i more feel like im in danger. So o realized its a deeper problem and even if its ocd thoughts, i dont have to use the "ignore it" method cause that doesnt helps, sometimes when i have it it indicates that i need love, i need to give myself love, compassion, kindness. This always makes me spin out cause i feel like i want to from others, like i want to run to my mom and feel loved, but i get angry at myself cause this isnt healthy, its okay to want love from others,but i have to get it from myself too. And the i get angry and these thoughts come again and the i feel like i want to and i get scared and i rumminate, obsess, spin about am i really in danger, could i do it, am i suicidal? Its just never ending story... and i think this stops me to deal with the real problem, to learn to love myself and be kind. Im afraid to work on this cause of these thoughts and im afraid i will find out they are real like im really strugling with harm and suicidal thoughts. I will tell you a story. Today i had a problem on workplace and now that im dealing all of this, it was a little bit harder to deal with it. In the past i always ran to my mom for feeling loved and cared. And still many times she helps me. I did the worst thing, cause i felt like noone loves me in that workplace situation, i imagined what would be if my mom would be dead and i didnt have her to help me. And quickly this thought hit me that i want to die, cause noone loves me. And this is why im here now cause im triggered, cause it felt real and im afraid that i would get there. But the most part im afraid cause it was a real feeling that im not loved by anyone, i rather die cause people arent kind with me, and it wasnt like a deep darkness, just sadness and helplessness, but it triggered me and im a little bit afraid again that im actually having real suicidal thoughts cause of neglect... every year i fight with this and i end up in therapy and they say im not in danger but im afraid that its because maybe i dont tell them my actual feelings, i cant cause im so focused on "am i suicidal" and i had a psychologist who told me the thoughts are true and i think about them cause i want attention... this is horrible thing, i dont agree with that thing, i would never use suicide to earn attention and love... thats toxic. So i dont want to visit any psychologist. It try to recover from videos. But this suicidal thing always stops me to work on the past and im afraid that its actually dangerous im just avoiding it to feel goof about yourself. Im not sure if ocd can latch to a certain emotion and give you harm and suicidal thoughts cause i never heard about this. When people mention trauma and harm thought everyone thinks about the real dangerous kind of harm thoughts. I feel like im alone with this but i ask can anyone relate?

i have a cycle of themes and my two themes as of late is relationship ocd and suicidal. right now it has been relationship and i feel just constant physical anxiety. i go to college and my boyfriend goes to school 5 hours away. i love him very much and we’ve been together for almost 5 years. this is the first time i’ve ever made guy friends that aren’t his and the one boy in particular is overall nice and seems to be a little flirty but i think that’s just how he is and it comes off as flirty and i feel like ever since i felt that flirtatiousness it triggered me and causes me insane anxiety. now i constantly think about this person in ways i do not want to at all because the thought of not behinfbwjyh my boyfriend literally kills me. i think to myself oh you don’t have false attraction you actually like this person you wore this outfit for them you wanna go hang with your friends and the guys because you wanna see them and it’s to the point where i avoided going tonight because it made me feel so guilty and anxious i just wanna run to my boyfriend and cry to him and tell him every thought that runs in my head. someone help

I often wake up and wonder if I’m on my way to become a bad and irredeemable person because of my OCD Intrusice thoughts, I wonder if I don’t like feeding into them even though they cause me immense suffering after. I don’t know if this is a ritual but after I have a bad intrusive thought I often successfully chase it away only to have I reoccurs after and I wonder if I don’t like doing this on purpose so I may continue feeling terrible about myself. Often my thoughts are so terrible I fear I’m truly a disgusting and terrible person hiding behind the pathetic excuse of having a “mental illness.” I get especially suicidal and scared when I think about how I would view someone having the same thoughts and ideas which I may have, I would be disgusted and hateful of them, I wouldn’t trust them and and wouldn’t want them to get near me. So why do I cry so much when I think that no one can possibly love me or understand me because of who I am and the thoughts I have? How can I differentiate between people who are bad because they have these thoughts and people like me who believe they can’t control these thoughts? Are not the people who are bad the same as us, is the difference that we don’t want to give in to these thoughts? I often see bad people interviewed who cite a lot of childhood trauma for how they turned out. I too have a lot of childhood trauma, does this mean that I am like them and will become like them and do something terrible to harm others without my control? Or do I just like tormenting myself? I don’t want to eat or enjoy things or talk to my friends and family because I believe they deserve a lot better than having to love someone who they do not know is having these thoughts, I think they would be disgusted if they knew this about myself which is why I want to die because I believe that would be a lot better than the people I love shunning me, and what’s even worse being emotionally impacted by the realization of my horribleness. I don’t know if I thought I have is mine, but who else’s could it be? I feel so guilty all the time but I don’t think that absolves me from having had these thoughts, so what do I do. It has gotten so bad that I often ask god if he could give me a sign that I should kill myself and not be selfish enough to live being an irredeemable person. I’m not a religious person but I don’t know what a good person with these thoughts is good for. I would want to let time pass by and have a husband and kids who spent their whole lives loving me not know that I have these thoughts, because I feel I must confess to them. I have a strong urge to confess all the time, but I’m afraid doing so would have the people I confess to classify me as a sick person and deeep down I don’t think I am a bad person or a sick one. What do I do? I can hardly work, or do anything. Everything is so debilitating, I don’t know what will become of me.

I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. I have a 2 year old who needs me, a partner and family who love me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I just wish there was a magical fucking cure to heal me!! I can’t confess anymore because my partner put up his boundaries. And literally drowning in thoughts. I haven’t stopped obsessing about these things for days on end like the whole time I’m awake, till the moment I fall asleep. I never get a break. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m over living a life that doesn’t even feel like I’m living. I’ll probably just be stuck this way forever so what’s the point… I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help my feelings. I cry every day almost. Had a full on mental breakdown today. Feel so fucking bad. Feel so guilty for these thoughts. I literally have been in the backyard screaming like I’m dying over these thoughts for atleast an hour today. My daughter hears all of this from inside. I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner and a terrible everything. Everyone would be better off without me.

i can’t stop having these thoughts it’s been taking over the past few days and i think i’m having an anxiety attack right now i have these thoughts “what if i don’t make this through this is like an everyday thing”, “what if i hurt myself or what if i want to do it” or it’s like “what if i go grab a knife and do something” and it scares me and it gives me anxiety and i’m scared i just want this to go away i have my thoughts telling me all of this my dad was saying to take me to the hospital if they get worse i didn’t go today because i didn’t want to but it’s 8 pm here and i think i might ask if i could go tomorrow i’m just so tired i want a therapist to talk to right now but my parents are low on money until they get paid on friday and my dad was gonna see if we go to the hospital because they can just get billed it’s like if i get reassurance nothing helps and even if i have a distraction nothing helps it’s like my thoughts continue and it makes me forget things

the past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life i tried to kms a couple times and i just cut myself really bad but what caused this all is my mind saying ive done something wrong even though i haven’t. I’ve asked many people they said i haven’t done anything wrong i even asked my parents and i know the answer but my body can’t seem to accept it. There’s genuinely something so wrong with me and i’m so tired of living.

I seem to ruminate so much with POCD and analyse everything about myself, my life and even everyone around me. I’m even afraid to open up to a therapist or even to see my family because I don’t want to talk about it. My ocd feels different to everyone else and that’s scares me. I don’t have sexual images I just have the negative thoughts and fears of becoming a P or the fear of liking children. This SUCKS!!!! I even get suicidal thoughts playing in the background aswell. Is it possible to have 2 subtypes at the same time?

i haven’t been diganosed yet with anxiety or OCD yet but i’ve been having anxiety started in december having chest pains and it made me think i was having a heart attack or heart issues but last week i was talking to my cousin how he went through depersonalization/derealzation i didn’t know what it was until he told me about it because i experienced it but ever since last week on tuesday i’ve been having overthinking issues about being scared of death and having intrusive thoughts of “what if i hurt myself” when i don’t wanna do it and it scares me because i don’t wanna go through it and i’ve been really tired and exhausted because i just feel like i’m trapped with my anxiety and i never had this feeling before (i’ve been through a lot so this is why it could be happening randomly now) but my things i struggle with is my thoughts and constantly look stuff up. my dad says “oh ur having anxiety while ur overthinking the anxiety” and i always think i’m going insane or if this is even real. i was suppose to go to the doctor today my mom emailed a therapist and told her that she has to pay at the desk and i was so upset because i wanna get better eventually and get a therapist but i have to wait until next week i think to see if i can go to the doctor and see what they say and see what else they diganose me with. it’s just been so tough rn and school has been stressing me out a long with it and i’m so tired i just feel like it’s an everyday thing now and i feel like i’m going insane when people say “oh ur okay and ur not insane” then why do i not feel okay??