Suicide and unwanted thoughts

I often wake up and wonder if I’m on my way to become a bad and irredeemable person because of my OCD Intrusice thoughts, I wonder if I don’t like feeding into them even though they cause me immense suffering after. I don’t know if this is a ritual but after I have a bad intrusive thought I often successfully chase it away only to have I reoccurs after and I wonder if I don’t like doing this on purpose so I may continue feeling terrible about myself. Often my thoughts are so terrible I fear I’m truly a disgusting and terrible person hiding behind the pathetic excuse of having a “mental illness.” I get especially suicidal and scared when I think about how I would view someone having the same thoughts and ideas which I may have, I would be disgusted and hateful of them, I wouldn’t trust them and and wouldn’t want them to get near me. So why do I cry so much when I think that no one can possibly love me or understand me because of who I am and the thoughts I have? How can I differentiate between people who are bad because they have these thoughts and people like me who believe they can’t control these thoughts? Are not the people who are bad the same as us, is the difference that we don’t want to give in to these thoughts? I often see bad people interviewed who cite a lot of childhood trauma for how they turned out. I too have a lot of childhood trauma, does this mean that I am like them and will become like them and do something terrible to harm others without my control? Or do I just like tormenting myself? I don’t want to eat or enjoy things or talk to my friends and family because I believe they deserve a lot better than having to love someone who they do not know is having these thoughts, I think they would be disgusted if they knew this about myself which is why I want to die because I believe that would be a lot better than the people I love shunning me, and what’s even worse being emotionally impacted by the realization of my horribleness. I don’t know if I thought I have is mine, but who else’s could it be? I feel so guilty all the time but I don’t think that absolves me from having had these thoughts, so what do I do. It has gotten so bad that I often ask god if he could give me a sign that I should kill myself and not be selfish enough to live being an irredeemable person. I’m not a religious person but I don’t know what a good person with these thoughts is good for. I would want to let time pass by and have a husband and kids who spent their whole lives loving me not know that I have these thoughts, because I feel I must confess to them. I have a strong urge to confess all the time, but I’m afraid doing so would have the people I confess to classify me as a sick person and deeep down I don’t think I am a bad person or a sick one. What do I do? I can hardly work, or do anything. Everything is so debilitating, I don’t know what will become of me.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@Elliss I would understand they are unwanted, I know I would, but would be distrusting of them and that hurts me to know. I am just very afraid because when I was a young girl I had two stepdads who were very nice to me in the beginning and who I inevitably cared for, and they turned out to be what I would call “irredeemable people” in my head, but I didn’t know or understand it because I was attached to them and I thought the kind of bad they were was only reserved for people who you just knew were bad from the get go , I guess now that I’m older I know that people can do horrendous things and have various sides to them, and although this realization would be one most normal people can take in, instead it feels like a punishment to me because I feel that I may be like them in the future. I’ve struggled with this thought since I was 13, I wonder what if I have people love me and I do something terrible just like they did to someone, what would happen then? How could I live? I also feel this way because I had forgotten about this for a while but then my sister’s boyfriend who I was very close with turned out to commit a similar mistake(pretty sure it can’t be called a mistake because it was harmful to someone else) and I felt guilty for thinking so highly of him only to realize he had done something irredeemable to someone else. I have trouble with this concept because people say these kinds of people are “battling demons” but I really don’t want to classify myself with them because I believe I would never do what they did, and yet I wonder if the thoughts, or intrusive ideas are not some of the same which they had. I read that only 13% percent of the population has OCD so I don’t know if that makes us lucky that we could have these thoughts which we actively don’t act on or if maybe these people also have the same thoughts as us except that they do act on them. I go into a panic when I imagine myself doing something like what they did, ultimately I just want to confess and be punished for having these thoughts even though I never encourage them in my own mind but they still appear. I don’t want to fool myself into thinking I am a good person while I’m not, more importantly I don’t want to traumatize anyone or hurt anyone in my family if it turns out I am a bad person

DSX

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous If you make a bad choice or a do a bad thing, the best thing you can do is try to do a better thing next time, or to fix the mistake if possible, regardless of whether you are a good person or not. You say you don’t want to fool yourself into thinking you’re a good person and you don’t want to hurt anyone if it turns out your a bad person, but have you considered that bad people do good things sometimes, and being a good person doesn’t mean you’ll never do bad things, or never hurt anyone? Even if someone could say with 100% certainty that you are a good person it wouldn’t mean that you’ll never hurt anyone. Additionally, as you’ve kind of mentioned, many people have intrusive thoughts and don’t act on them. Even though you’ve said you want to be punished for your thoughts, do you believe others deserve to be punished for their thoughts? Do you believe the people on here with POCD or Harm ocd etc. Deserve to be punished for having their intrusive thoughts? If you want to worry about being punished you can do it AFTER you’ve earned it. And you may never earn it. No one knows whether or not they will do a good or bad thing even if they are “good” or “bad” people. One way or another you’ll have to accept that as a person, you’ve had these intrusive thoughts and like everyone else here, you don’t want to ever act on them, but that doenst mean you have to let that fear control your life. Also I felt and thought a lot of the same things you’ve mentioned. My entertaining the idea that I’d rather kill myself now than do future harm later was what made me seek out therapy, and it’s helped a ton

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@DSX Thank you for your words it really helps. I don’t think people on here deserve punishment but I constantly obsess over the harm I could cause as you mentioned it leads me to have suicidal thoughts as well. I really want to go to therapy but I’ve been to therapy for OCD when I was younger and I couldn’t seem to relate any of my thoughts to my therapist out of extreme fear. I know that people and who they are internally will never be black and white but I am constantly triggered by the idea that people may know I have these thoughts, even though that is extremely illogical. I wonder if therapy will help me but I am afraid that if I try it and it doesn’t work then I will realize I’ve been faking everything and have horrible inclinations I could act on. Does talking about your worst thoughts in the therapy help you? Thank you for taking the time to reply.

DSX

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I was also scared about telling a therapist about my thoughts at the time. I also didn’t really know anything about OCD so I really didn’t know what to think about what was happening to me. Something I did to help prepare me for it was to text a suicide hotline (like 988 in the US) and tell someone who does know me, anything about me, etc. I had to do it twice, because the first time I was too scared to say everything, but when I finally got to my first therapy appointment I was able to say everything I needed to. Something to consider is that even in the worst case scenario, if you are “faking everything” (which it doesn’t seem like, but I digress) that doesn’t mean you couldn’t learn to fight those inclinations anyways. Talking about it and doing ERP has helped me a ton!!! And even if it doesn’t work for you that wouldn’t mean it will never work, or that nothing will work, or that the only other option is that everything you fear is real. There may be or are other things that contribute to your feelings and fears etc. And that’s okay! As long as you try to take steps to figure it out!

DSX

Date posted: 1y

@DSX I forgot to add that people are not telepathic, they don’t know what you’ve thought, I promise! I’ve never told a single person other than my therapist about the specific thoughts I’ve had, no one has looked at me any different, whether they are friends or strangers or family

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@DSX Thank you for your words, I really appreciate the support during this time

Jabre7

Date posted: 16w

Anyone else have a problem with this?

I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.

DannyO507

Date posted: 15w

I need help dealing with this

I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?

pureonnoyance

Date posted: 21d

ROCD, Pure O are torture

I’m just realizing I have OCD. I have been diagnosed with adhd, autism and CPTSD but OCD never occurred to me until recently. My OCD manifests internally (pure O) then I seek reassurance for whatever topic I’m fixating on so of course I chalked it up to anxiety but it’s so much more than that. And I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Now it’s really messing with my life. Lately, it’s been ROCD that’s been ruining me. I had a couple deep wounds created by my husband a few years ago and I’m constantly fixating on if he’s lying, really loves me, and or he wants to leave me. I’m constantly asking for reassurance and I think he’s getting tired of it. He’s an otherwise great partner but the OCD has really kicked in after I found out he was hiding a porn addiction, he hid it twice and it really ruined my self esteem and trust in him. Now I get triggered by every pretty girl I see, every social media post about relationships, I fixate on how unattractive he might find me or what’s wrong with me. I’m also aging in my thirties so I obsess over if he is getting less attracted as I age . I feel pathetic. Of course he always tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me but I’m always suspicious that he’s not being honest. I’ve always had OCD but this is the worst I’ve been with my relationship. I’m melting down and doubting us often and especially at night. It’s been a few years now and I feel like it’s gotten so hard. When I was younger it was health OCD, then it was existential, and I definitely fixate on if I’m “good” morally too. I’ll confess and overshare to people all my mistakes. And on top of the ROCD, I have pure OCD and get the worst images and intrusive thoughts at work/ random places and it’s horrible because I work with vulnerable people. My biggest nightmare and fear is pedophilia or assault, and I care deeply about my kids and vulnerable people so it’s like my mind hates me and these horrible images and thoughts fly at me l. I would never ever harm my kids or vulnerable people so this is especially disturbing and mortifying. I learned that OCD is ego dystonic and that’s helped but the images still make me feel awful. I also have been the scapegoat and black sheep in my narcissistic abusive family so I will my OCD will fixate on if I AM the narcissist! It’s exhausting. It got worse after I encountered my abuser in my family earlier this year and he brought up a lot of trauma. He is actually a narcissist but my brain will try to convince me that I am, and I will give in to the compulsion then do quizzes and tests and of course they tell me I’m not a narcissist, but then my OCD will make me think I am. I’m very empathetic and terrified of hurting people yet my brain tries to convince me I’m horrible, then the reassurance seeking and anxiety that manifests from my OCD and trauma makes me feel so self absorbed and sick of myself, convincing me I’m narcissistic for thinking of myself so much. I’m so exhausted by this. My brain tortures me. The overthinking is hard to combat. I really try hard to accept these thoughts as just thoughts but there’s always that voice creeping in that maybe the intrusive thoughts are right. Maybe I’m terrible and unlovable. I hate it.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Suicide and unwanted thoughts

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community