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I can’t find anyone that can help me and I feel hopeless

I deal with fear of death now and in this pain i noticed, suicidal ocd is there too. Christians just say dont be afraid of death cause im heaven everything will be better, you will be with Jesus, and they say dont be afraid of leaving your loved ones cause God will take care of them... When i dealt with suicidal ocd, what made me feel good was that i knew i will not do it cause i love me family and i dont want them to suffer, and i developed more respect for this life so when i hear "In heaven everything will be better" triggers me with fear and anger. Cause when i dealt with suicidal ocd, it gave me thoughts like "do it cause you will go to heaven, you will escape from the pain, you will be with Jesus, He will forgive you"... the last part got triggered in me when i heard that suicide is not an unforgivable sin, so you might go to heaven, so thats like you choose the easy way out and you still go to heaven... then the one thing that helped me was that im not in danger cause i wont do it cause i love my family and they wouldnt be able to go through that(this is still suicidal ocd, just saying i didnt planned or something) and then i read to lose the fear of death, and leaving your family with pain you have to know that God will be there with them, bumm this hit me again, so now this contradicts it, in one they say dont do it cause its painful to your family, and the other side they say dont be afraid of death cause God is with your family... everytime i try to work on my fear of death and suffering, my fear of suicide grows... Im afraid that when i will be in so much pain, i will get hit by these thoughts that in heaven we wont suffer, do it cause you will get there, God will protect your family from pain"... i just cant lose these fear, at this moment im dealing with the fear of suffering and death... fear of pain and everything horrible but the things i find on the net that should help me grows suicidal ocd... this is a reaccuring cycle

does anyone ever feel really guilty about having thoughts of offing yourself. i try to not let it get to me. but if im sitting with my family i feel so guilty even though im not going to do it. i’ve had such immense anxiety in the past from it and i ran to my mom in the middle of the night and made her sleep with me because i was so scared. i feel like now when i don’t go to them and don’t tell them how im feeling i feel like i don’t care anymore and im not anxious and that causes me even more anxiety. i have the thoughts of am i happy? do i want to die? and what if i did this? omg you just thought that you’re suicidal. you want to die. and i freak out and i feel so alone because i feel like if i go to my parents for reassurance again the cycle will get worse but if i don’t go to my parents about it my ocd tells me that im just accepting the fact im going to do it now because im not seeking reassurance. i always have these thoughts that oh you’re just using ocd as a way to cope w the fact youre suicidal and i don’t know what is real and what isn’t someone help.

Please someone help me i dont want to leave my bed i feel so worthless. I hate my life so much i really do. After what happened last night (my setback) i feel absolutely haunted with my thoughts flooding in. I wonder what is the point in living anymore.

Hello I am a 27 year old male who has battling with very aggressive intrusive thoughts, it is not letting me sleep or not letting me live my everyday life because I feel as if I could hurt myself or someone else, can someone please help me out, ever since I got the flu I haven’t been the same, I was rushed to the emergency room thinking I was going to have a heart attack, they just pumped me with Ativan and gave me a prescription, but I’m also a very heavy drinker at night, and when I drink heavy and wake up the next day, I have uncontrollable thoughts and anxiety all day! Someone please help me!

i keep getting thoughts of molesting/ doing sexual things to people (that i’m close to) and children, every-time this happens I extremely disturbed and have panic attacks bc i’m a horrible person. i’m honestly just contemplating just k*lling myself because i feel like a disgusting p3do who doesn’t deserve anything in life. i’m already diagnosed with anxiety and depression but i’m not sure if this is OCD or not. i hate my self so much- this thoughts won’t stop happening and i never want to do anything like that ever. :/. i’m not sure what to do, i’ve talked to my therapist but none of her methods worked on how to stop these thoughts.

I know there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s because of expose at an early age to mature content or maybe it’s undiagnosed hyper sexuality I think I’ve had for a while. Maybe I should unalive before I hurt someone. I’m addicted to fanfiction and my phone and I have been for a long time. I at a very early age knew everything to do with s*x and BDSM and kinks of all nature and nothing ever phased me really. I myself was an online victim of a p* but I led everything, he just never declined. “Vanilla” became boring in a way, a way I now know has led me here. I read fanfiction and things sexual with underage people, I thought oh there’s no harm because is just fiction and not real life and if stuff like that exists on the website and is able to be written maybe i can treat it separately from real life. But what if I am a p* for reading etc? I’m spiralling because I seen the comments under one of those stories and 1/4 were death threats, 1/4 are disgusting comments and the rest were neutral. I suspect I have C-ptsd, autism and adhd which all worked together in a very unhealthy tandem to led me to this. All I can feel is disgust and shame and the desire to end it. I don’t really know why I made this post or what anyone can say really but I’m sorry.

I stopped taking meds about 3 weeks now and i didnt had any problem, and after 3 weeks just randomly a huge setback hitted me. I didnt had this bad setback while i was taking the meds, but before i was taking it, i felt this many times, and im afraid its not just ocd. A huge feeling of i want to cry comes and i cant handle any problem cause it makes me emotional. Im afraid it was a bad idea, i dont even sleeo well... if its really the medication then im scared to start to take again cause its beem 3 weeks now, and also when i started taking it i had really bad side effects. Idk what to think cause many times i didnt took the medication as i should cause i forgot it, i was really bad at it so thats the other reason i stopped, but everytime i stopped taking it for some days, i just noticed a minor setback. Now that i stopped taking it i didnt wanted to give attention to that cause i was afraid and i knew if i do then i will say to every little bad feeling that its because of that and i will be obsessed. So 2 weeks passed and i completely forgot about that and i didnt had any bigger problem, until i just remembered that i dont take it and i feel okay, its just made me happy. Then things got upside down really quick, i started feeling low, i was really negative and slowly i started to be weaker and weaker until i just got where i am now. I do notice i spin in my head alot of times, and i cand decide what is the good thing i should do, even in recovery, i say okay i ignore that feeling now, imediatelly i think "but thats important, if you sweep it it will come back worse, you should deal with it" and many times when these are getting worse i get angry at myself. This night i couldnt sleep well and i was so emotional. My dad said something negative to me that made me spin what should i do, should i move, people say i need to stay away from negative people but i dont want to move to live alone... and this made me feel bad too. Im so emotional right now, and i feel guilt cause im might be here cause i stopped taking medication... and if its that and im like this without meds, then idk how i will ever fully stop it, this is scary... also at night in the mids of the painful feeling and guilt, i had again a sucidal ocd experiment, i learned to not give into it, and i can see the lie, i could see it now too, it just it was so agressive because i wanted the pain to go away but not like that, but still my brain came up with it, i know its ocd im just afraid if this gets worse i will not be able to tell it cause it was still really agressive and strong. I keep thinking "i felt like this before i took medication, that means im back there, i cant do this without meds" and this breaks me...

NOCD doesn’t accept Medicaid in NC.. I feel helpless. I have nothing, no job.. no money that can afford this therapy and I really made myself vulnerable to the sweetest woman just listening to me cry about my OCD and how it effects my life.. Just to be told that I’m not able to be helped. This is probably why my parents pretended I didn’t have mental issues, we just couldn’t afford it. ..I can’t afford anything. Even my life.

when I was 13 I dealt with what I now know is suicide OCD. In the fall of 2020 my brain started to become completely flooded with thoughts and urges, hurting myself and graphic images that completely Messed with my life. It was so bad that I was throwing up every day, having panic attacks constantly, and having meltdowns in my room while my parents were trying to console me. I ended up completely failing my freshman year of high school. My brain was plagued with those thoughts 24/7, even when I was asleep. I truly thought that it was only a matter of time before I ended up taking my own life. I was never actually suicidal, but, since the thoughts were so prevalent, I thought that I truly did want to do take my life. For the entirety of October through January I was completely debilitated and I couldn’t do anything. My only way of coping was playing video games and I got so bad that I ended up spending 3000 hours in the span of four months playing on my computer. After a while it truly thought my life was over until I decided to research what was wrong with me. I found out what was going on and I learned that it was OCD. When I first learned that I was terrified because I didn’t know that truly meant. Once I did even more research, I learned that my thoughts are just thoughts, and it wasn’t how I truly felt, I learned that accepting my thoughts and accepting the fact that I have OCD would actually help me overcome everything. Deep down inside, I knew that since I was reacting so strongly to these thoughts, I truly wanted to live. with the help of therapy, medication, meditation, and hard work I was able to get better. I am a senior in high school now and I’m in a place that I never thought I would make it to. Even though the thoughts come back from time to time, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to and i’m able to deal with them in healthy ways. You can get through this. Its going to take a lot of hard work but you can get through it.

What to do? So now my mother is refusing my OCD therapy, despite it's chronic from where it has been untreated so long. Not to mention its causes heart attacks and panic attacks and mental breakdowns. She's puts pressure on me. No Idea why I'm here? And why she even adopted me at all? For this? This is bs. The treatment I am getting. Not to mention when I admitted needing help, seeing doctors and getting treatment. Dakira then desides she does as well, I'm like okay, take me Seriously, this isn't fun, or, funny at all, I am on the edge of going so insane. My therapist thank goodness changed my appointment from 29th to the 16th and she acts as if this isn't something to care about...I'm done she can neglect me like she has been most all my life. But, to avoid my appointment schedule and important mental assessment artenuary is another. This is important to me, my health and my mental state of being, of that doesn't matter to her, I will call 911 and we can settle this in a court room. They will see my missed appointment and if I go off well, easy, she should have took me to my appointment,bout to ask to see if a friend can. This whole thing, her lack of support isn't safe on my end, I don't feel safe. Normally I don't talk at all, that's me .but, this is to much pressure. I'm about to go nuts Not only this, but I need meds and a better lifestyle than my living style now. I don't feel safe at all, she doesn't even know what OCD is and why people have it, say I don't clean? Yeah, because she doesn't give me my money enough to clean and doesn't understand noone can offord this mental illness. She doesn't get it's a struggle, doesn't try to help. She just sits on her ass watching TV and doing other things, not even asking, "Do you jeed anything?" I never cross her mind, she doesn't even get it, I fear my son's safety as he may have this as well, as for him I know he's safe since he is small it's easier to catch it and treat it. But, to do this, to love this way chronic with no medication is doing me in mentally and physically. It's too much to handle. So if I go nuts, it's not My fault.

I read multiple articles on false memory ocd an now I’m confused. I actually thought that false memory ocd is marked by things that are actually completely fabricated by the brain. But I keep seeing things like „an event that may or may not have happened“, does this mean that it could actually be true? Are there any ways how to find out if what you’re going through is real if it’s an actual bad act? Because for me I have been completely focused on false memory ocd lately and while I was ruminating on another one, I suddenly got an image of sth even worse that could maybe be like 7 or 8 months ago. I never remembered this happening and for months I’ve been convinced I had never hurt anybody but then I got this image. I instantly also thought that this didn’t happen and that I would definitely remember if it had happened because it’s actually horrible and it’s not just something you would quickly do and then completely forget, it’s an actual entire act. And I never was close to that person. But I keep being like „but what if I listened to my intrusive thoughts? But I can’t remember doing that and I even have posts on here from around that time saying I was too afraid of that person and that I would never ever listen to my intrusive thoughts… but what if I tried to get rid of my ocd theme by doing this? Nah that’s not what I would do and I know that… I’ve never done any harmful things just to get rid of this theme this is stupid“ etc etc. Like I keep fearing I might’ve done this and done it for various reasons. But I can’t actually remember doing it. All those scenarios feel like they’re just imaginations. But I can’t let go of it. And usually for memories it’s that with time you start to be able to puzzle it all together trough evidence and u don’t forget bad things you’ve done. For example, I know that like a year ago I pushed my sister while I was having an argument with her. I remember everything from then because in my entire life I’ve barely ever done anything to others and so I usually remember those events almost 100% perfectly. I also remember sth from almost 10 years ago in which I called one of my friends (and ik this is bad, that’s why I remember it) fat. I lost a few details but I still remember what exactly I did and that the exact same day I called the parents and apologised bc I felt bad. But for this scenario, I’ve been ruminating on it for TWENTY days and I’m still in the doubting stage. I have spent hours ruminating by now and I still don’t have any actual memories back, just things like „but what if I was mad and then just did this and instantly forgot about it?“ and all this. But not an actual full scenario of me doing this even though it could only be a few months away. Idk what To do, I can’t continue living with the uncertainty. If it’s real, then I won’t even continue living. People like these are terrible and disgusting and don’t deserve living and everybody can agree on that.

Hi yall!! The past week for me has been needless to say… very interesting. My doctor and I decided I would stop taking Lexapro after 3-4 years and switch me to Prozac as it has more research backing OCD relief. To be clear, I did experience remission on Lexapro, however I thought I didn’t need it anymore and decided to cold turkey!!! Great decision.. not! I completely relapsed and for the past year have been about 50/50. So while I thought I was weaning off lexapro and getting on Prozac I actually was weaning off lexapro and taking Paxil everyday. I caught this on my own because I questioned the generic name of the drug.. double check your pill bottles!!! Long story short I got that wrong righted and am a week into weaning off Paxil and onto Prozac. This past week has been very tough for me mentally, a lot of suicidally themed OCD. I keep thinking about dying, having thoughts like “kill yourself” but I know it’s not how I actually feel. I don’t wanna die.. this life is all we have. Why would I wanna do that? I get so confused though and because of the OCD I typically experience depression which fuels that fire a million times over… You might ask why I’m writing this? I’m writing this for those also suffering with a similar theme. We need to be doing our exposures for 1 hour daily, we wont get relief if we don’t. ERP helped me when I did it, but then I didn’t think I needed it anymore and eventually stopped. With that and medication, a healthy lifestyle and overall GOOD supportive people around you… it’s possible to experience full remission and put OCD in the backseat of your life. When I get back to full remission I will make sure to come back to this post and encourage all of us suffering. OCD truly is the worst. Have a good Saturday yall, even if I don’t know you I love you as a human being. ☺️

I got diagnosed with ocd recently from my therapist after having years of symptoms since I was a toddler and recently I have had a terrible dream with beastiality in it about 3 months ago and I woke up and cried. I went through the day as usual and then I told one of my friends and I sobbed because that is the last thing I have ever thought about in my life. Luckily my friend was there for me, but then the OCD kicked in. I’ve been having horrible thoughts and I’m scared, I don’t want to do anything to animals never have I ever had thoughts of such. I have two pit bulls that are my sweet babies and I have never had thoughts of anything to do with beastiality in my whole life and now I’m 20 just now being scared of this. It has been the worst ocd obsession I have had in a long time the last one I had lasted 3 years. I’ve been wanting to lock myself in my room and not look at my dogs because I’m afraid to even let them sleep in my room anymore. I stay up all night sometimes because I’m scared I’ll see another dream. My mind is starting to make think I want those thoughts and I’m so scared I’m tearing up whole typing this. I’ve been contemplating suicide because of this fear of doing sexual acts to an animal I would rather not live. I hate living like this and it has been hard to sleep with my partner because now I’m afraid to have intercourse which I have always been able to do with my partner no problem. But now the beastiality OCD has ruined my life and I don’t know what to do.

Hi everyone, this is a very long post, but I want to share my story in hopes of helping others see that they are not alone, and that what they are going through isn’t something that they need to bare alone. Feel free to read if you want-things will get better! 💜 I first encountered my OCD flaring up when I was in middle school around the age of twelve or thirteen. During this time, my primary obsession was the fear that I could or would possibly commit suicide. At the time, I had no clue what was happening and didn’t know anything about OCD (other than believing it was defined as people needing to keep their spaces tidy). Reflecting now, it’s clear to me that this was the first time I had the unfortunate privilege of meeting my OCD monster. I was constantly having intrusive images and thoughts anytime I would see knives—worrying that I would grab one and use it to harm myself. I would create scenarios in my head in in which I pictured myself jumping in front of a garbage truck, or drowning myself in the bathtub. While the logical side of me knew that these fears were irrational, I felt such shame and isolation in having them. The theme subsided after about three months, and I was able to move on with my life without noticing any major flare ups of OCD. Now, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing OCD during this ‘peacetime’, but the themes were nowhere near as debilitating. For example, I’d have flare ups about random concerns such as obsessing that chest pains could be a sign of heart attack; worrying that I’d developed a brain tumor due to a dizzy spell; worrying that I’d get arrested for accidentally hitting something with my car; etc. While these situations brought on an immense amount of anxiety, these bouts usually dissipated within about a week—for this reason, I don’t consider these to be any of my main nor debilitating themes. One summer day in my high school age—around fifteen—I was watching the local news and a story came on about a soccer coach who was arrested for grooming his players. The story highlighted how much everyone in the community was reeling from this revelation since the coach was such a beloved and respected member of the community. I remember the exact moment when I was flooded with an immense amount of dread and anxiety unlike anything I’d ever felt up until that point. If this ‘upstanding’ community man was capable of something so terrible, what was to say I couldn’t be too? What if I’m just discovering this terrifying aspect of my identity all of a sudden? What would everyone who I know and love think about me? These are just a few examples of the myriad of thoughts that bombarded my mind within just minutes of seeing that news story. The anxiety about this possibility elevated to such a level, that I felt more hopeless than I have ever felt about my future before. I remember leaving my parents a note on their bedside table confessing to them that I was afraid that I was a pedophile because there was no way I would have ever been able to face them in-person and say that. I waited in my room all morning until after they had read the note in hopes that would come talk to me and try to comfort me—which is exactly what they did. While their reassurance made me feel a bit better for the next thirty minutes, eventually I felt that I needed more answers and began Googling. This was when I finally found out about OCD. I felt an immense sense of relief when I realized that this could be OCD, but the monster did not like that I had uncovered it’s nasty secret, and immediately tried to divert my attention by battering me with the though that I was the exception to the rule—that I didn’t actually have OCD. I wasn’t brave enough to start therapy because I was terrified that when I went to my first appointment and told them my thoughts, that they would confirm to me that there is something wrong and that it wasn’t OCD. For about 8 months, I continued ruminating on every little possibility, avoiding children, and feeling a complete loss of identity that I would never wish upon anyone. After finally mustering up the courage to start therapy, I found myself improving after about 2 months, and wasn’t bothered by such thoughts anymore….I was so relieved to be done with that phase of my life, not knowing that the monster would never leave. At this point, I was loving every aspect of life—especially after coming out as gay to my parents during my freshman year of university. Life was beautiful and I felt free of any doubt or fear surrounding who I was. But when COVID hit, my OCD went into hyperdrive with contamination as my primary theme. The pandemic progressed, and these anxieties died down and it felt like life was going to move on. One day later that summer, in August of 2022—about 4 years since ever really thinking about it—the pedophilia-themed OCD was back. I had opened up to a close friend about my experience in high school, and she was incredibly understanding and supportive; but something in my brain triggered from this conversation and the obsession was back. This time, I found a therapist right away, but not knowing that Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) was the proper treatment, I found a psychologist who specialized in psychodynamic therapy. After about 5 months of torture, I did reach recovery once again despite the lack of ERP. Life was good again throughout the rest of university and post-graduation. However, this past May, things took a dive for the worst. After being prescribed what I had deemed a “scary antibiotic” for an infection from my wisdom teeth surgery, my OCD ramped up to the point where I was obsessing over the possibility of having side effects from this medication—even imagining that I had developed peripheral neuropathy from the pills. Less than 48 hours later, I saw a Tik Tok clip of the show To Catch a Predator. Seeing that clip was extremely triggering, and caused me to imagine myself as the person being caught. It was like a light switch was flipped in my brain as the health-related fears vanished simultaneously with the arrival of the pedophilia-themed obsessions. At this time, I was also about a week into beginning treatment using Prozac. For me, the medication ended up resulting in negative side effects that drove up suicidal thoughts, which in tandem with the POCD made me lose all hope in going on. I found myself bargaining and playing mind games to try and solve this problem: I couldn’t be attracted to children, could I? I’ve only ever been attracted to people my own age in the past. But what if something is changing in me now? Even if it is, I could just make sure that I never act on it. No, I can’t even bare the thought of identifying that way. But you didn’t want to be gay at first, what if this is like that? Phew, that guy is attractive. But what if he’s actually younger than he looks? Does that mean I’m attracted to minors? What if the traits I am attracted to in age-appropriate partners are only the traits that I perceive as looking younger? The barrage of thoughts completely destroyed me. Fortunately, I was able to stop taking the Prozac and the suicidal thoughts diminished, but I was still so obsessed over the possibility that I could be a terrible monster. To make matters worse, my career is working with high school students while they are applying to colleges. I see hundreds of sixteen and seventeen year-old students every month. My OCD took this job that I loved, and turned it against me. It told me that I only liked the job because it got me closer to younger kids. It told me that I wasn’t attracted to people my own age. I felt lost and couldn’t tell what was real anymore. After a month of intense suffering, I was able to begin taking control of the situation by finding an OCD specialist, this time beginning ERP right away. As a supplement to my therapy, I also began taking Anafranil, and after a few weeks, I reached a place of pretty solid ground. That was in late-July. Since that time, I have considered myself to be in recovery and have been immensely enjoying my life. However, recovery now means something much different than what it meant when I first began my journey with OCD. Now, I understand that I will probably never be free of intrusive thoughts—no one is—but they do not define who I am as a person, and I am able to enjoy life alongside them. While in my past it always felt that I needed to put so much time and energy into solving the things that worry me, what I have now come to realize is that overthinking never really solved anything. Instead, it took control of my life and made me see negativity anywhere I looked in life. This brings us to today. My experiences with OCD—particularly in the past six months—have inspired me to dedicate my time advocating for OCD understanding and helping others to see that they are not alone, especially because that’s how I know many of you feel. I hope to join the likes of the amazing leaders in the community such as Chrissie Hodges, Nathan Peterson, Stuart Ralph, and so many others who contribute such meaningful work to this community. This entry is just the beginning of my work, and I hope it provides some hope and understanding for others. In the future, I plan to elaborate more on my experiences and share more about living life with OCD. Through all of these experiences, I have come to realize that life goes on. It’s possible to live a fulfilling life while OCD takes the backseat.

This passed December I was diagnosed with severe OCD and it hit me like a whirlwind after watching a movie and then thinking that everything isn’t real and that I am in a simulation like the “don’t worry darling” movie. This was very distressing to me because I was a person who read her bible everyday and every night and then would talk to God through prayer a lot and when this happened it was very difficult for me to pray or open my bible because I thought nothing was real and I made up God in my mind or the person controlling me did to make me think this is real. Shortly after that happened I started having harm thoughts of “oh well if this is isn’t real you could harm someone and then wake up or you would realize if it was or wasn’t real?” like in the “don’t worry darling movie” “Or I am going to have to harm myself to find out or being in Heaven would be way better?” Which ultimately led to crying spells everyday feeling like I was going crazy. I then went to the hospital and got diagnosed and am going through ERP/ACT therapy currently but those thoughts are still very active. And even though my thoughts are active and seem very real I know that there is power in prayer no matter what my thoughts are thinking, so please pray for me to get through this and heal. It’s very hard to see a light. Thank you for reading this and hearing me.

I turned 18 and because of an event ive had recently my ocd has never been worse ever. I cry more i panic more i feel worthless and hopeless i feel like i cause pain and hurt and i feel like i shouldn’t live sometimes-ive spoken to my parents about this event (mostly my mom) and i’ve recently started seeing a counselor. (i need to fix ny appointments) but im asking the adults, does it get better? Do i feel like you’ve reached a goal of feeling good again and going on with your life fear free? Ik ppl still suffer but id like comfort from someone more experienced, since i barely found this out about myself recently. I just need help. To know if my adult life will be good and fun and normal in the future. Does it get better?

Why do i get unwanted thoughts that i don’t ever want to act on but they eat me alive. like “you need to take more medicine” or “you want to hurt yourself” things like that. i never want to act on it or never have but ive had these for years and they will not go away. i get panic attacks from them and they are ruining my day to day life. i’m only 16 and feel like im taking on a hell of a weight.

This is a very disturbing thing so if you are sensitive please dont read it. I remember i had this type of ocd and even now remembering it scares me alot cause i still question some things So im a christian and i remember last year i was in therapy, and the sad thing was that my therapist dealt with my ocd like its partly true. I had suicidal ocd and she told me in some part it is true. So this made me suffer more. I couldnt decide if im really suicidal or not, i remember there was a time when i even accepted that i am and i need help to stop the pain(the pain caused by rummination of am i suicidal or not). And that time the thoughts were horrible. I remember one morning i was half awake half asleep, and i had vivid thoughts and those thoughts said that God accepts suicide, He will keep me safe there, it was like God calls me to end my life. When i was fully awake, i was terrified. And now remembering this gave me those feelings back and im still terrified about the thing that it might happen with some that they misinterpret intrusive thoughts as God voice. There are some cases where people do bad things cause they think God told them to do it. And with clear head we can say "you know its not God" yeah i know, but in that moment, i just remember it now, you dont know it cause then it wouldnt make you eb afraid. I remember the feeling of its true made me feel terrified that im actually suicidal cause i think God calls me to do it. And not just this fear, but the thought itself that i experience a thought like this, and it feels true, it scares me. Maybe im afraid that i can change my belief so easily, maybe beliefs doesnt change so easily, but i was afraid being manipulated by these thoughts and actually doing it, cause at some point it wasnt about "am i really suicidal" it was about "is this true? God really allows suicide and its okay?" So even this that i was thinking about if its true or not still makes me feel bad. I learned now what is God voice and to not interpret any thought as his voice but now that i exposed myself to that past feeling i realized how hard is this cause the feelings make you feel like youre actually planning doing something, not just self harm but even harming others, having thoughts like "God wants me to hurt that person". Its terrifying, and im still afraid cause i think it couldve been possible for me to follow that thought and believe it but i didnt.

I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but I have been googling nonstop and can not find any reasonable answer. I’m worried I’m a hidden sociopath that is just really good at pretending to care about everything because it benefits me to make other people feel good? How can I ever know for sure? It just makes me want to lock myself up and stay away from everyone in case I am but that just makes the problem worse because I’m socially isolating myself. How do I know if I’m actually trying to listen to someone because I care about what they have to say or if I’m just pretending to try to because I know it’s important to them? I do care, of course I care but I just don’t know if it’s in the right way, especially being so depressed sometimes it’s hard to care about anything at all. I feel like if I’m kind or generous to people, even if I want to be, I worry that I’m just pretending. After having existential OCD, harm OCD and others, Major Depression and constant experiences with disassociation after being through constant panic for months (and years), I’m worried I may have accidentally unwillingly turned into a sociopath. I feel like I can’t accept the world at face value, and I have no idea how to just accept social norms anymore and have this compulsion to prove every part of existence before I can rely on it because of existential intrusive thoughts, but that seems like such a sociopathic way to interact with the world. Coupled with feeling completely numb and unable to love like I used to, I’m really freaking out. I would rather die that hurt anyone, but when I think about taking my own life just in case I am a sociopath or a potentially harmful person, I’m scared. I don’t want to say goodbye yet but what if I’m just destined to get worse, living already hurts so much every day. I feel like my soul switches on and off 5 - 10 times a day, I don’t want anyone to love me in case I’m a bad person and I also just can’t accept that I’m worth loving no matter how hard I try which is so toxic and it’s my responsibility to fix but it feels beyond me. I’m trying, but I’m so so tired. I’m sorry for being a bit negative but I just need to vent.