Kickstart your recovery journey with a caring community of others
working to conquer OCD
I was feeling suicidal the other day because I was feeling doubtful about myself and other people. That was scary. I was actually thinking about dying even though death or ending things are scary to me
Today has been awful thoughts. It’s just getting worse and it feels like real thoughts and feelings even though I’ve been fighting it. I wish I could explain how bad it is to my parents. How do you tell anyone you’re having horrible horrible thoughts of sexually harming others and other terrible things?And there’s events from my past that make me not want to do anything because I feel like I deserve to be jailed. I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because I can’t act like a normal person, or learn to drive. My mom said I need something to keep my occupied, find some classes to take. And she’s right but I’m worried I can’t even focus on that and again I feel like it’s a waste because I feel like I deserve to be in jail. I’m 21 I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to get help, I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore, it feel like the only way out. But I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want my family to feel at fault. I don’t have any diagnosis so it just all feels too real. It’s CONSTANT thoughts about harming others. It feels real, it sounds proud and almost like it’s mocking in my head. I feel like I’m voluntarily thinking these things. I don’t understand why this has happened and why it’s gotten so bad. I know in my heart I have ZERO desire to be this person. I’m sorry I keep posting so much, it’s just so difficult.
I was diagnosed with OCD eleven years ago. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD combined type as well. I was put on adderall and it seems to help with the OCD as well. However, I forgot to take it yesterday and felt like my world was falling apart. The bad ocd intrusive thoughts were rearing their head and felt like my life was falling apart. Has anyone else experienced this? Or does anyone else have these two diagnosis? How do you cope with it? I just wish someone else could understand because honestly I feel so alone sometimes. I’m married and I feel like such a failure. I cause so much stress and turmoil in my marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like giving up daily.
I went through suicidal OCD from the age of 12, I didn't understand what was happening to me, I thought it was real death wishes but I knew I wanted to live. From morning to night all I could think about was suicide, with all the possible scenarios. Hearing stories of suicide triggered me more than anything else, I looked for the things I had in common with the person (age, life, etc.), which led to compulsions (keeping knives and windows away, rituals where I had to walk straight along the lines of the floor to convince myself that I wasn't going to commit suicide, which reassured me a lot when I managed to do it). I didn't think I was going to live until I was 18. At first I didn't talk about it because I was afraid of frightening my friends and family, but it became unbearable, so I wrote a letter to my mother when I was about 13-14 saying that "I was afraid of killing myself but I didn't want to". She took me to see a psychologist, who was 'scared' of me becquse she thought I was suicidal, and referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist helped me, but then I relapsed. I didn't think it was possible to suffer that much ; these thoughts haunted me from morning to night, but I didn't want to, I wanted to live. My dream was just to have 'normal thoughts' (thinking about what I was going to eat in the evening, how other people would look at me, etc.). When I was 18 I decided I couldn't take it any more, so I started taking various steps, all the while thinking I was 'crazy' because I'd never heard of anyone who'd been in a similar situation, and it wasn't in the DSM, so I really thought there was something wrong with me. And no one had put any real terms on what I was going through and only said that it was a combination of things (anxiety disorders, childhood...). I'm now 22 and I can say that I've discovered what it means to have good mental health, I was absolutely convinced that it was impossible for me, that I was "doomed to kill myself". I'm waaaay better now, even though thoughts can sometimes come back, but I don't fight them any more and I let them come for as long as they want, even if it's very difficult, without taking them seriously. I'm happy to be able to live, and I'd especially like to say with this testimony that it's 100% possible to get through it, even if you're convinced that it's not. Talk about it, get support from professionals. 🌻✨ While doing some research recently in English, I came across the term Suicidal OCD, which immediately seemed to fit my story. I used to do my research in my native language (French), but there were no results talking about suicidal OCD. I guess it’s not studied that much in France and other French-speaking countries. 🤷♀️
Hiding in the bathroom at work cause I needed to let it out. None of this is ok. Can POCD be mistaken for actual pedophilia? I don’t want to keep doing this I really don’t like living right now.
Anyone currently going through this? Or went through this? I have harm ocd and it’s either about my family or then about myself and I feel afraid of not having any hope any more. I get suicidal thoughts both as intrusive thoughts but also as something I would want to stop all the anxiety I feel. Any help is appreciated
I have no official diagnosis for OCD but I have recently expected I have it. My whole life I’ve had people tell me I have OCD but I thought they were joking or making fun of me and I’m not a person to self diagnose but then I realized how obsessive I am over my thoughts and started researching. I do constantly ask myself pretty much everyday why I am the way I am, I constantly think I’m hurting someone emotionally then I have to check for reassurance, I beat myself down consistently. I’m always worried I’m going to hurt myself therefore hurting the people who love me. I obsess over the way my body looks and managed to get to the point I only eat once a day. I have never admitted this but I have violent sexual thoughts but they’re directed towards me not other people, these thoughts are completely against what I believe are my morals. I do have a need for organization and functionality within that organization, if someone touches the way I’ve organized those things it gives me high anxiety and I either have to fix it right then or I end up avoiding it altogether until I can find time to fix it cause I know I’ll take hours. If I write notes and I make one mistake, I have to rewrite the whole thing.. this caused a lot of overdue homework in high school and would take up hours of my time. Ive been married for a year but started dating 7 years ago but for some reason I still have thoughts if we’re the right match or not, etc. I relive conversations in my head daily, about 4 months ago I was in a car accident cause I ran a stop sign and t-boned somebody, I was dazed out because I was reliving an argument with my mother in my head and once I realized I crashed I instantly thought I killed the other person, my husband had to reassure me multiple times that the other driver was okay. I’ve read up on rumination and that seems to be a big check mark for me… I could go on but based off the examples I provided do you guys believe I possibly have OCD and should seek treatment for it? I don’t want to offend anyone because I understand this is a very hard disorder to live with and there’s obviously different severity levels but I’ve wondered since I was child “what’s wrong with me” and I want to know if I’m finally figuring it out?
Struggling with scrupulosity around real events. It makes me want to kill myself. Some days I just feel the need to either be locked up or killed. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. I know there are people who love me and want me alive, but I can’t help but think it would make things better if I were dead. I thought about harming myself again after a few years of being clean. I don’t want to but I feel like I have to for the greater good. Like I’m being just by punishing myself for feeling like a bad person. I can’t stand myself. I want my life to feel like one worth living. People tell me to stop wasting my time and just be happy. They don’t know how hard that is. I wish people could see into my mind and see how much I’m struggling.
I have had OCD my entire life and my obsessions have changed one after the other. As a child I was afraid I was going to overdose on pills, stab family members, then being transgender and gay, leaving stove or iron on, and now my dominant obsession is getting the wrong degrees and going to wrong school. I’m 39 and it’s very debilitating. When the intrusive thought comes about my education I feel so bad and I feel like I’m being held hostage. It’s very intense and I wasn’t able to hold a job and I contemplated suicide many times. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because the major and university didn’t align with my values or who I really am. I would seek relief by googling the university etc. but it never helped. My OCD has taken over my entire life. Whenever I think about my education I don’t like it and it doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t even like discussing it with anyone. I feel dead inside and I feel like I’m just surviving. I carry a lot of guilt and shame and I always feel like the worst.
I had achieved "conqueror" but just like that it HIT me like a slap in the face. Anxiety. And thoughts about hurting myself so i wouldnt be a burden popped up along with ALOT of others. Images... should i say ... its crazy i dont like sharing that bc i feel like people are quick to jump and think i would actually hurt myself which makes my ocd worse. But in reality. i WOULD NEVER hurt myself. Idk if im making sense. But man its harddd to feel like im back at square one.
I hate that i have these thoughts.. my suicidal ocd.. I rarely get anxious by the thoughts. And my head says im not scared… But i KEEP seeking reassurance to know its only ocd… then i feel more safe!! I keep seeking this reassurance because im am scared and it is ocd right?
I struggle worse when we leaves for work in office. I’ve been struggling with this for so long and I’ve made no progress. I keep pushing back therapy again (I tried ERP twice) and I got a little better but not much. I’m scared, hopeless and unsure. I do not care if I am bisexual, but I just really want to be with my husband and have kids. I do think women are so beautiful and get turned on by them in porn. Although, I just can’t actually picture myself being sexual with them or in a relationship. My brain gives me this deep feeling I’m just in denial. But when I get out of my head, I realize I love him, his humor, his intellect, his values, and kissing and cuddling him. So why do I have this strong nag I’m gay if I love all those things? I just want to live peacefully😔 we are trying for kids soon and I am getting freaked out. I really want a family with him. He will be the best dad. I had a not so great dad so that’s all I want for my kids. He’s also the BEST to me too. This makes me suicidal when I think of not being with him. On the outside to everyone I look fine, but truly I am not (usually) 😔 again I even accepted I’m bisexual but even that feels so odd at times. Please help or give ideas/insigt.
Am I the only one that feels immense guilt about my past? It makes me feel so alone and so lost. It always leads to me trying to com-pulse it which results in temporary relief, but it always comes back and is always in the back of my mind. It leads to me having suicidal thoughts because I can’t take the pain anymore. It feels like I’m trapped in my mind and in my thoughts and the only way to escape is through suicide. I really hate myself. I also cut myself because it relives the mental pain. I lift weights and put my body through hell running which ik isn’t healthy but it makes me feel better for some time. The thoughts tend to go away. Something about it is comforting? Idk how to explain it. I feel so messed up and alone. Just gotta keep trying and keep pushing.
Why I wish I didn’t have ocd So it all started back in march 2023 where I was in a Minecraft server my ocd being itself nagged and nagged me about organizing the schematic files so I got angry at it and did something I would regret dearly I would spam rage type the keyboard and create a schematic group something that inst deletable so I asked the staff to delete it and they kept delaying it and banned me for it and they also said I was unfit to play on a public server because of my ocd this made me very angry so I reported the server to mojang several times and they did nothing about it now don’t get me wrong I don’t care about Minecraft or the builds my ocd only cares about the technical aspects of things I just know that if the roles we’re reversed I would not get away with it because I have bad luck I tried contacting them again but they pretty much said “it’s over with it’s done” which made me feel like I had to move on and more or less like a product And trust me I tried to keep it together and be this non ocd normal person but things didn’t work out Something needs to be done about this server Also other real event things causing me more stress like losing a wire and items in the past I can’t function I can’t sleep and I can’t eat How am I supposed to live like this I already have white hair at 17 because of the stress But those dipshits don’t see it that way they just see the worst moments not the good ones That why it’s so hard to compete with those without ocd and why I don’t want to live anymore
I've been having mood swings all day so I haven't been able to go anywhere for New Year's Eve. I'll be feeling fine then out of nowhere start crying. Then I feel exhausted with little energy and no motivation to do stuff. I've been sleeping most of the day because it feels like it's the only thing I can do. At one point my mood turned dark from frustration and began thinking about unaliving myself. Luckily those thoughts didn't last long though.I wanted to go to a friend's house tonight but it looks like I'll be staying home doing nothing.... 😔 I feel alright right now but it's hard to say when that will change... I feel crazy because one moment I'm content and motivated then the next moment I feel hopeless and numb. And anytime I try talking to anyone I start crying.
When I enter a department store or a clothing shop and it's music playing my OCD very often is kicked off starting to follow the music, my compulsions starts repeating the suicidal content over and over again- I so much with to kill my self, again ana again- and in addition I am often in the store because I am uncomfortable with what I am wearing so in the end as I escape to the changing room I feel totally worn out, and sit down sweating and the suicidal rhythm can then follow me for the next hours, even days. It feels like I am so strange with this, but its been like this so many years- the more upbeat the music the more intense is the unwanted thoughts , I am absolutely not suicidal- so to listen every day to thoughts that says" I so much want to kill my self, go kill yourself, so much want to be shot" and so on and so on, it's terribly exhausting . Thank you a million times for this app.
Hello everyone, It’s the first time I’m writing a post about my health condition. I’m suffering from OCD. I diagnosed about 17 years ago. It was extreme in the beginning as I didn’t know anything about it. So I went to many therapists, tried a lot of medications and it had it’s ups and downs. I am now 37 years old and the last years I take fluvoxamine and I believed I was in a good condition until 10 days ago. My main OCD intrusive thoughts were about harming myself or others and most importantly sexual thoughts. Some years ago - I really don’t remember how that started - a thought stuck into my mind that I might like men with circle beards. I know that I don’t like men and I have a girlfriend for almost 10 years now. Sometimes I also have this thought when I see someone: He is handsome, could I like him? And that causes lots of anxiety. Additionally I have an extreme anxiety about some specific numbers. So in some days from now I was about to start a new job but unfortunately the interview was on one of these dates causing me EXTREME anxiety. I tried to do every compulsion possible but it just wouldn’t work. I was worse every day, I wanted to sleep only as this was the only time that my mind wasn’t thinking. A total torture. I reached a point that I thought: I wish I die so this ends. I can’t take it anymore. To make this even worse, the father of my girlfriend had sometimes a beard like the one on my thought. So the last the worst thought was that I should avoid my girlfriend because she’s his daughter and I can’t have a relationship with her. I would be gay or something. How is it possible to think like this? I love my girlfriend so much, she’s my other half. Last days I tried to do ERP on my own, exposing myself to these fears. The first hour I felt I was free and then suddenly everything went a lot worse. So I don’t really know what to do, continue ERP or do compulsions so I would feel better? Obviously I can’t start work in a few days in this horrible condition as today I couldn’t get up from bed and I was only thinking: I want to die. I’ll be sad losing this good opportunity for work but losing my girlfriend from OCD as well will be unimaginable for me. I’m feeling hopeless right now. I’m sorry for my long post and I would like to thank everyone who reads it. I’m wishing all the best to everyone.
I can’t stop returning to actualized.org (Spiritual forum) I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that this place is a cult for years, but my brain won’t stop latching onto the ideology that is constantly spread there about solipsism being the absolute truth. I’ve gotten stuck to death on so many things related to spirituality/new age/non duality shit for years, but this shit VASTLY takes the cake no contest. Panic, fear, confusion, dp/dr, never being able to trust my senses, never being able to function, always ruminating, fear of other people being illusory, fear of reality in general being an utter lie/delusion/fiction/hallucination/dream as so many of these fucking websites/accounts/channels constantly proselytize and assert as being the absolute fucking ultimate truth. There being no self, no other, no biology, time, space matter. Consciousness simply pretending/imagining that reality even exists. Oneness, individuality being a literal delusion. None of this is actually happening, other people being figments of consciousness. Pure fucking agony. I feel endlessly isolated damn near 24/7/365 because of all this shit. I abhor every fucking spiritual teacher. I hate the internet. I hate my brain. I hate everything. Fuck Leo Gura. Fuck teal swan. Fuck Rupert spira. Fuck mooji. Fuck Adyashanti. Fuck YouTube. Fuck google. Fuck Reddit. Fuck open individualism. Fuck all philosophy. It is so fucking hard for me to not feel like suicide is the only way out of this shit. I am shaking. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into staying way from such shit online or in books, it doesn’t matter. Fuck the miserable pointless delusion called life.
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
