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say something if you could, also seen him today :(

Ive just found out the girl i have a crush on has a girlfriend that she is currently dating. Of course i will support them together and i can continue to be friends with the girl i like, but honestly... im heartbroken... and the fact that my OCD will always make me think I unknowingly explicitly cybered with a minor... and i cant get any sort of reassurance about it... im in a state of hopelessness that will never recover anytime soon... Im done trying to hope. Im done trying to convince myself that anything can be done to make me happy... if people want to call me an incel for feeling this way... think that im a creep... they can... im so hopeless and alone... and no one cares about me... no one...

So, I'm going to share one of my most triggering memory or experience of mine. What I did was, I was reading a sensual story/experience of man on reddit in which he shared his experience that how he got physical with his own teacher when he was 13-14. I then became arosued by reading it and then pleasured myself by putting myself in that scenario. I made such kind of fantasies in which I'm getting physical with my students, sometimes they're over 15 and sometimes over 18 and so and it has happened a lot of times. Now, such things triggers me because I'm going to be a teacher soon (I'm 21), and when I remember about this, I feel disgusted by myself. I feel guilt and this also triggers my POCD sometimes that once I pleasured myself thinking of a 13-14 boy. This makes me feel very disgusted and anxious that how can become a teacher because whatever I did was so ridiculous. I feel like a horrible person. Please someone help me. Am I actually a very horrible person?

This is gonna be a lot about sex cuz idk what’s happening. I have a bf and sex is new as of mid august. But since I’ve been on birth control since end of august sex feels different? I’ve been on 2 types, a patch (forget the name rn) till October, now im on nexplanon. I have no period atm so that’s a nice bonus ig. But mental health is…. Uhhh not wonderful! I feel numb I feel like I’m not horny enough. Or I’m not feeling enough. I feel him inside me and everything but it’s not the same feeling as before And also: eye contact, I don’t get this intense sense of connection but it’s nice to look at him. It doesn’t turn me on more tho Neither does watching his head roll back. It’s hot but I don’t feel anything change down below and I don’t get butterflies anymore My mind wanders. I’m wondering if im enjoying it. If im playing an active part in the sex cuz im very…. Bad at it? I think is how I’d put it? I let him take control cuz it gives my brain a break but my brain is now saying that me not being able to be on top or don’t really like it means I don’t like him and/or im a lesbian depending on the day. Even before this I wasn’t a huge fan of being on top cuz I get embarrassed really easily and I don’t wanna ruin the moment ;-; Like it still feels good but it doesn’t feel as intimate as it used to when we first started dating/before ocd hit/in backdoor spikes (honestly we had some good times and I felt good). Is it just a “im used to his body” thing or am I just not feeling it? I don’t get turned on by seeing him shirtless or naked anymore. But don’t get me wrong he’s still hot I just don’t get aroused unless we start making out Also making out lately- no butterflies, I feel things in my groin but not my stomach or chest and my brain isn’t in it. It feels like im partially not present if that makes sense. I feel out tongues sliding around but it’s not as hot as it used to be and idk if that’s cuz im gay or if that’s cuz im in a depression hole cuz of my birth control and it’s made the ruminating worse and worse Also dirty talk isn’t doing much anymore, no butterflies as well. Maybe we need novelty? Maybe we need to be adventurous? Cuz rn all we really do is missionary lol. I should maybe communicate more as well 😅 Also: I find that when I’m waiting for him to either go to the washroom or get a condom or tie me up or smthn while we’re not touching or doing anything flirty, I start to lose steam and I start panicking which then makes it worse 💀💀 In summary: what am I meant to feel during sex? I know most women don’t orgasm from penetration, which is why a vibrator is always incorporated. What else am I meant to feel? I feel sweaty when he enters Idk it’s driving me nuts. After he and I finished up yesterday I found myself wondering if I liked it. It felt nice in the moment and I did finish. It was kinda uncomfy cuz I was laying on my own ponytail and it was being pulled by me lol😭😭

Hello, does anyone know how long it takes for sertraline to work? I've just started my treatment 1 hour ago (I know I'm very impatient) but I just wanted to know, and does sertraline 25mg work? I'm afraid it won't work.

Hello ;-; idk I feel crazy but now I’m anxious again. My bf came back with me last night after we had a club meeting and he went to love my bag that I had left on my bed and everything spilled out cuz it wasn’t fully zipped cuz I was in a rush and I got a little annoyed and now it’s sparking the question of Do I like sharing a space with him as my partner? It’s triggering both the soocd and ROCD. I’m nauseous. I’m worried I don’t love him as my partner and am just holding onto the relationship cuz we’re about to reach a milestone (1 year of dating) and not cuz I care. I feel like I’m lying. Or don’t love him enough to consider myself bi. Idk I wrote a long post on Reddit that I might repost here for insights cuz nothing is hitting there. I’m just numb. Idk why. It’s not him I don’t think. I laugh with him just fine but I also laugh with my friends. Does that mean he’s just a friend? I know partners are best friends but also more but my brain kept saying “see in this moment when you’re talking to your friend and laughing while your bf is here? You’re not cuddling him, you’re not lovey dovey, you’re laughing with him and leaning on him but no butterflies” to be fair. The reason I haven’t been feeling. Anything? Is cuz I’ve been so stressed and when my bf came over the other night it’s cuz my dog had died and he and my friend were tying to distract me so I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I don’t feel deep love for him when we cuddle or hang out lately. But when I look at him I do. Then I get nauseous. Then I get internally sad and worried I’m just faking my bisexuality. I keep seeing people leave relationships to figure themselves out then they figure out they’re gay. What if that’s me. What if I’ve deluded myself into loving this man when I never have? Like I’m questioning the crush I had on him, the love I felt for him when we first started dating. Was that excitement and joy fake? Did I even love him? Do I just like physical touch? Was my love deep enough? Is it even deep rn? When I feel love it’s usually in my chest and low stomach and my groin, not in a honry way, I don’t wanna jump his bones in that moment. I’m just admiring him. But what if tjays just anxiety? What if my past horniness is all comphet and I never wanted sex with him? I thought I enjoyed it but I haven’t lately cuz I’ve been so disconnected and when we do have it it’s a silent short session sometimes and I don’t get butterflies but I’m satisfied and happy. Not as happy and good feeling as when we first got together but that’s normal right? I’m just so worried I don’t like him, I don’t give a shit about other men tbh it’s him I care about. As long as I love him it’s fine. I’m so confused and annoyed with my brain I just want to throw up a little. What if my excitement about getting engaged one day is fake? And it’s just me wanting the attention of being a bride not cuz I love him and wanna be with him? I can’t even imagine living with him lately. When before sharing a space seemed exciting. Is it normal to feel like this? It’s not that I would hate living with him or find it meh, it’s just stressed cuz he’s a different person and I’ve never shared a space with a person besides my younger brother. Do I just not like him or men and that’s why I’m slightly annoyed about sharing a space with him? I live in a dorm so. Small space right now. Does it just seem meh or am I actually happy about it? Cuz some people I’ve talked to said sharing a space with their male partner is meh and then sharing it with a woman is WOOO. So I’m worried it’s that. I do enjoy sharing a space with him. It’s fun. Not meh. I’ve just been so in my head I can’t do this. I’ve never lasted this long in a relationship so I’m anxious. And worried. And my brain keeps saying “you’re staying cuz you’re too ashamed to leave cuz you’re GAY 🫵🫵you don’t love him you just don’t wanna be ridiculed or hurt him”

I do believe I am but of course I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis. I just get told pretty often how I’m not normal or the way I think isn’t normal. I used to not think about things the way I do now and I’m not sure if something can trigger OCD?? I started obsessing over things about 3 years ago, and it’s getting worse. I take anxiety meds and I feel like they kinda help except for when they don’t; and I have to take a Xanax to put me out of my panic attacks. The main things I obsess over is germs and my health. Germs. I think about anything and everything I can see them I can feel them. ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting. My hands are cracked and bleeding from how much I wash them and it makes me wash them even more because now I have open wounds on my hands and I don’t want germs to get in there! I have many different shoes for certain places they go. I have outside slippers, I have in house but not in room slippers, and I have slippers that are only in my room. Germs do go into my supposed health OCD. I panic if I believe I’ve touched something that someone who has aids or herpes has touched. I don’t like to touch anything with my hands and yet I have to wash my hands so many times because I feel like germs got on my hands. That’s my biggest fear actually is getting a disease that cannot be cured. I think about it constantly and what I can do to prevent it and you bet I notice the SMALLEST detail when it comes to my health and body I have a new freckle omg I need to make sure it’s not cancer. I’m so appreciative my partner understands me. He has to follow the way I live for me to feel comfortable. I pay for his health insurance just so I can make sure he hasn’t caught anything or if any of his moles aren’t cancerous. It’s exhausting

We are responsible for stopping our compulsions but are we responsible for doing them?

Idk. It was slightly daunting before ocd but now it’s more daunting. Especially with the relationship thing. Like I cannot conceptualize forever. My parents got divorced. Most of the relationships I’ve seen have fallen apart. I’m worried about making a mistake and living in the wrong relationship with the wrong gender my whole life but I was so happy and confident before. Now I feel like. None of that. I’m wondering. Who do I want to do life with? Who do I wanna sleep next to my whole life? Have sex with? Have a family with? Am I holding back from my real soulmate cuz I didn’t feel that intense draw towards my bf? I had breakup thiughts and random intrusive thoughts about me dying or smthn random like that but they never bothered me at all so I worry about them. Idk. I’m so tired Being bisexual makes this more confusing. Cuz now I’m worried I’m a lesbian cuz I can’t feel anything lately towards my bf besides slight anxiety, overwhelm and nausea. Idk. I’m tired and about to head to bed but I wanted to rant. Idk if anyone else feels like that if you do pls Lmk, especially with the nausea. I feel nausea around anything sexual lately. And I feel horrible cuz I do wanna be intimate but I have no energy and don’t wanna do it much lately.

i talk to my boyfriend i am angry and have a strange feeling when i think of him i dont know what i feel , i look at photos i feel like a different person , disconnected , i am so distressed and sad and i have so many other thoughts and doubts im ao acared, even the past, when i was happy i doubt that as well, i am tierd of being like this, this males me act bad towards him, i am scared i dont like him or love him or like the way he looks or that i never liked him or that i just like the ideea of a relationship im so scared i have other thoughts i dont want to write them now im scared i am like this all day 24/7 from the moment i wake up i camt ignore them , im scared to ignore them and let them be there i am too scared

i guess i’m looking for guidance? maybe even just life advice, i don’t reassurance but maybe to put this someone else. i’m in a good happy relationship and it brought out my rocd for the past year. that caused me a ton of guilt and made me feel like i was a liar and that maybe i secretly didn’t want my relationship. now i feel better and more in control of my thoughts and to deal with it, but i experience maybe some questioning on if i should feel guilty of the way ive showed up or perceived my relationship. i feel that part of my has only really started to trust and accept my partner. there’s other parts of me that feel guilty for thinking others are attractive, or maybe thinking she looks average sometimes, i know this is normal but at the same time it brings up a lot of guilt and doubt i guess. i know everyone is allowed to have their own path and journey, but i guess i have a timeline in my head that feels like i have to know if i want to be with my partner for ever at this point and that i have to think they’re the most attractive person ever and almost obsess over them to make it work. and i want it to work but then you know the questioning comes in and all my doubts come back, but they feel calmer which is the ocd trap ofc of believing that those thoughts are true but i guess i know they’re not i want to approach them in a new way. now that ive kind of settled those feelings and create a relationship with myself i have this idea in my mind that im doomed in this because it been a year and im only starting to really open up, find this person attractive( even tho i check sometimes) and even like consider being with them for a long time. ive been through a lot with them and i love them but its always likeme thinking this isn’t my person for real, or i get an urge to break up. it gets exhausting to the point where you believe it you know. what doesn’t help is that im so young so i know i dont need to know anything but you know its an unhealthy coping mechanism im trying to transform. i guess i just want to give myself permission to not know or to approach my relationships more maturely, i deserve to have one after all- but rocd has made me believe a lot that i don’t necessarily agree with or want to.

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

My rocd is making me disconected from my boyfriend thinking he is cringe and that i dont know him or i dont like him for real, making me question the times i was happy thinking i was pretending and i was just thinking i am happy and in love but i wasnt… when i think abt my boyfriend i cant feel happiness… im scared. Yesterday we talked he said he is happy when we talked he sais how happy he is and that if i dont feel the same i should not panic (hw knows about my thoughts) i am so sad, i dont want to be like this forever, im scared

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

I’ve been feeling the urge to avoid intimacy or purposefully engage (for reassurance that I won’t give into a compulsion) because of intrusive thoughts and fear that I’ll “check/test” my reactions. My OCD is making me so scared that I’ll purposefully think of a child and try to see if I like it. It’s so complicated but I guess I’m mentally checking if I would mentally check during intimacy. I’ve even envisioned myself checking and it’s making me so nauseous. I know it’s a compulsion like any other but the sound of “touching yourself to the thought of a child” sounds atrocious and vile. I’m terrified I’ll automatically start checking next time I am being intimate. I truly feel so worried. If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing your experience. Or if anyone has any advice?

The guilt that I feel won’t stop and maybe it shouldn’t but when I was 14 and just started highschool (I’m 15 now) I went into highschool with a messed up mindset idk if it was from the pandemic or not but I made friends and afterwards I messaged those friends and made sexual jokes/advances crossed boundaries and made them feel uncomfortable to the point now they don’t ever want to talk to me again and I don’t blame them.I even did the same to a 17 yr old who tood me I s@d him even though I never met him irl but I felt so sick I apologized multiple times but he told me that he was manipulating me the whole time to keep doing THISE bad things so I felt bad later but idk if he was being honest.and I asked my parents to get me therapy like 3 times and they agreed but the first session I told them that I was exposed to explicit content at a young age by my older brother and so was my younger brother and how I cocs@d my little brother when I was 9 and my therapist told my mom and she never brought me to therapy again and told me that I would go to jail. And my little brother told me he never remembered our older brother showing us that stuff or me cocs@d him which is weird because I remember both THISE things and I’m scared that he was so traumatized by THISE things he forgot about it.And I feel so helpless and sick of myself and can’t stop thinking what if I s@d my little brother when I was older that would mean im an even worse person a disgusting criminal and to make it work I have nightmares about me doing horrible things and I wake up feeling horrible and it sometimes makes my memory even worse and I don’t even know what to do anymore the guilt is LITTERALLY so crushing and idk what to do anymore it feels like I shouldn’t be able to continue my life.i just feel like I’m gonna go to jail sooner or later and I can’t even do anything anymore because I feel so much fear I don’t know what to do

Hello there everybody. I am just posting to ramble about my feelings, and to get some advice from people that might understand. This is going to be talking about a mixture of things between the subcategories mentioned above, including stories about intimacy.. Please do not read forward if that makes you uncomfortable. To make an extremely long story shorter, I am very particular with how I like my dorm room to look. I also have come up with a routine that helps me with the basic things- brushing my teeth, getting my clothes out for the next day, scheduled deep clean and laundry days, etc. even with a jam packed schedule of 3 jobs and 5 classes, this routine always worked for me, even if I had to switch around a laundry day. Usually, I deep clean my room twice a week, and do laundry once or twice a week. This has worked for 3 years already, and this is my 4th year in school. During the 2nd week of school, me and a girl from school started to date. She is the TOTAL opposite of me- she is a really big hoarder (and she gets mad at me when I tell her how it is.) and she is extremely used to living in what she calls “organized chaos.” She pretty much uhaled the situation - she pretty much moved into my dorm. (Mind you, she has SO much stuff in her room, and it’s extremely messy. So she brought things over to my room to “store”.) this naturally made me really.. uncomfortable. Because I got so used to my routine and having my belongings where they were. It really caused me to spiral this semester and I keep trying to bring it up and have a conversation about it, and it feels like she completely disregards my feelings. It’s starting to really mess with me and I’m unsure what to do. As messed up as this sounds, she also has very narsasistic and codependent tendsncies.. it’s usually her way or the highway. I am the opposite. I am independent, but deeply care about those around me and their thoughts and feelings. I feel like I ask her for one thing, and that’s to respect my space, and it feels like it’s shrugged off over a shoulder. Now for a different story. This woman is the person I lost my.. “V card” to, if you will, and we’ve explored lots of situations in bed. During our intimate times, with my permission cause we wanted to experiment, she began to treat me like a “sissy.” (Basically, if you’re not aware, a boy that acts feminine, dresses feminine, etc.) and this sort of started causing my dysphoria to spiral.. but in other instances I really like it? She also would make jokes about how “we’re a lesbian couple.” And those made me spiral as well.. I just want some advice and tips on what to do. I feel.. very stuck right now. Idk what to do. any tips or conversation is greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to read this and allow me to express my feelings.

Idk with my soocd it’s weird lately. Before I was able to enjoy all manners of queer content. Lesbian, gay, trans, bi etc. I am bi so yippee right? But lately I’m so scared to interact with lesbian only media or books or smthn cuz I’m worried it’ll make me realize I’m gay and abandon all attraction to men including my bf which doesn’t feel right and I feel bad about it. I haven’t watched anything queer lately really, minus squid game s2. I might watch drag race cuz I love drag race. I haven’t rewatched good omens in a bit both cuz of Neil being.. bad and a little bit Maggie and Nina. Idk. It sounds homophobic and I can kinda laugh at it but I’m worried it’s true. I’m worried I’m gonna relate to much and that must mean OOP GUESS IM A LESBIAN! Which no hate, love women but I love my bf. And I wanna stay with him. I’m worried about seeing a representation of comphet or smthn and realizing oh shit that’s me. I’ve avoided I saw the tv glow for the same reason cuz one of the characters is a lesbian. I follow a few lesbian couples and I’m happy for them, idk if that’s an exposure. I’m worried about everything honestly. Sometimes I feel like I’m just in denial. This is one of those moments where the anxiety isn’t super high and I feel half normal. I keep getting this thought in my head “if you didn’t have your bf you’d be gay” which idk if that’s true. I have been so deep in obsessions I feel no attraction to other men but I’m analyzing anyways. Even before this set in I didn’t look at other guys or anyone really cuz.. I have a bf. I’m worried I’m that delayed person who keeps denying and denying but I’m not denying shit. I like men, more specifically my bf. I’m just not one to be all fangirly tbh unless it’s a character or actor I really like. Idk. If anyone has advice pls hand it over cuz I just wanna love my bf in peace cuz I do love him a lot I just can’t feel it cuz I’m so depressed lately. And obsessive.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with feelings that I might be sabotaging myself in my relationship. By sabotage, I mean that I find it hard to stop engaging in compulsions, like seeking reassurance or overanalyzing my thoughts. I also sometimes behave badly with my boyfriend, and the intrusive thoughts I have can completely change my mood. I love my boyfriend—he’s such a good, beautiful, and wonderful person—but I’m afraid these thoughts are going to ruin things. I truly want to love him, but I’m scared. I know the thoughts are anxiety-driven, but they still make me question if I’m forcing myself to stay with him. Today, for example, I felt okay earlier, but when he called me on video, I suddenly felt like I didn’t feel anything, and I started thinking I don’t like how he looks. These thoughts hit me like a wave, and I panicked. Usually, I find him very attractive, but when these thoughts come, I feel sad and disconnected. What’s confusing is that I also have many moments—like today and in the past few days—where I’ve felt really good and I’ve felt love for him. I feel awful writing this because my boyfriend doesn’t deserve this, and I feel like I’m posting out of habit. It makes me scared that I don’t want to accept the truth, even though I know I care about him. I hate feeling this way because it feels like I’m betraying him by having these thoughts and posting them. Has anyone else dealt with these feelings of sabotaging their relationship or feeling like they’re forcing themselves to stay? How do you cope when the thoughts feel like they’re true, and how do you work through the fear of letting go of anxiety

To keep a long story short here are the reasons I feel like I cheated: - I’ve fantasized and daydreamed about this person. - I’ve looked up their social media and scrolled through it (secretly) in an attempt to learn more about them because of my crush on them. I NEVER interacted with their social media in ANY way shape or form (liking/commenting/following/etc). - i’ve spoken with them in a group server (that my partner is also a part of) but i’ve always put a big emphasis on the fact that I am in a relationship with my partner and I talk about him often. The only interaction where I worry I crossed a line was when I mentioned that my ex had a certain trait. Then the person commented on that and said he was surprised I was willing to date people with that trait (he has the trait as well and kept asserting that nobody would date someone with that trait so he was surprised I would). I worry that I said it with the intention to elicit a reaction from him. Would this make it cheating? I definitely found it funny and I told my partner right away about the interaction. I should clarify that I have NEVER interacted with this person on a one-on-one basis, nor have I ever messaged them privately or secretly. Our ONLY interaction has been in a big group server that my partner is also a part of. I have also made a serious effort to stop responding to their messages if we are having a group conversation and only reply to other people and just ignore them. I worry because i know there have been times where i’ve replied to their messages kind of excitedly because i had a crush on them. But these were completely appropriate messages like he was talking about eating lunch (in the group server). I have told my partner about being attracted to them and having fantasized about them. My partner has also admitted to having a crush on a coworker and he said “fantasizing is nice as long as it stays a fantasy.” I completely agree with this but for some reason I really feel like I have crossed a line. I feel like a horrible cheater. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what to do.