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Is there anyone who is struggling with sexual orientation ocd quickly reply and help me ?

I was watching a show about how the main character is gay and she was figuring it out and was pushing the thoughts away. I feel like I can relate cause all day the thoughts have been bringing me happiness

I’m deeply afraid I may have acted on an intrusive thought during self pleasure:/ in the moment it feels like I want it or focus on it but then immediately after i panicked:/ this only happens In context of intrusive thoughts I never plan on acting on these I’ve never experienced this problem before idk i feel like maybe my values n moarls changed in a sec is that possible?? I keep asking myself is this who i really am …. I can’t take it anymore guys I wish i could go back to my normal self I’m tired of feeling like this everyday no one would want a real pedo and that’s me guys u feel sick I haven’t eaten or drank anything

I'm so scared. People always say that it doesn't matter what sexuality you actually are, but I feel like I am/ will turn gay and have to leave my husband. It's been destroying my life for the last 5 years.

I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless

Idk with my soocd it’s weird lately. Before I was able to enjoy all manners of queer content. Lesbian, gay, trans, bi etc. I am bi so yippee right? But lately I’m so scared to interact with lesbian only media or books or smthn cuz I’m worried it’ll make me realize I’m gay and abandon all attraction to men including my bf which doesn’t feel right and I feel bad about it. I haven’t watched anything queer lately really, minus squid game s2. I might watch drag race cuz I love drag race. I haven’t rewatched good omens in a bit both cuz of Neil being.. bad and a little bit Maggie and Nina. Idk. It sounds homophobic and I can kinda laugh at it but I’m worried it’s true. I’m worried I’m gonna relate to much and that must mean OOP GUESS IM A LESBIAN! Which no hate, love women but I love my bf. And I wanna stay with him. I’m worried about seeing a representation of comphet or smthn and realizing oh shit that’s me. I’ve avoided I saw the tv glow for the same reason cuz one of the characters is a lesbian. I follow a few lesbian couples and I’m happy for them, idk if that’s an exposure. I’m worried about everything honestly. Sometimes I feel like I’m just in denial. This is one of those moments where the anxiety isn’t super high and I feel half normal. I keep getting this thought in my head “if you didn’t have your bf you’d be gay” which idk if that’s true. I have been so deep in obsessions I feel no attraction to other men but I’m analyzing anyways. Even before this set in I didn’t look at other guys or anyone really cuz.. I have a bf. I’m worried I’m that delayed person who keeps denying and denying but I’m not denying shit. I like men, more specifically my bf. I’m just not one to be all fangirly tbh unless it’s a character or actor I really like. Idk. If anyone has advice pls hand it over cuz I just wanna love my bf in peace cuz I do love him a lot I just can’t feel it cuz I’m so depressed lately. And obsessive.

First, I had simple OCD. It all started when I was 14. I was morbidly afraid of bacteria. I always went home after school, showered, changed clothes, and applied body lotion to every part of my body. And I always I washed my hands and I couldn't touch my things without washing them first, and when I washed my hands and I was like, "What if I didn't wash them, then I went to wash them again?" The doctor was always quick. My hands from washing my hands a lot, this didn't bother me yet, then the intrusive thoughts came, in 2017 I notice that I was always attracted to women and now I only desire and want them, I am afraid and disgusted by gay people I have no problem with them, I'm just afraid of them and the whole thing is disgusting to me and when I saw that many people were gay, this became gay, that became gay and I was afraid that they were gay too and these things kept coming. Intrusive thoughts what if they are gay and I was in fear and anxiety then it went away it came back worse but it was completely gone it disappeared for years then they came After the false memories, I struggled with them, they were also things related to homosexuality, that I did this and that, and in the process I fought with myself, and then it went away and it wasn't at all. I had symptoms after I had a girlfriend who I was with for 3 years. I loved her more than anything. I wanted to spend my whole life and future with her. And when I was with her, I didn't have any thoughts of lust at all. My false memories were perfect, I lived for years without symptoms, I had 1 or 2 intrusive thoughts very rarely, but they passed me by smoothly, I didn't care and they disappeared, then I didn't click, what if I'm gay? And like this because I knew I wasn't the one then after my girlfriend left me and a month passed I saw a gay kid on TikTok and another intrusive thought came to me, believe this is me, what happened in the meantime Not with myself and I didn't know about OCD at the time and the more I fought with myself the worse it got. 0 24 I had intrusive thoughts about being gay I imagined this I said this I said this I thought I thought what in the meantime when I was with my girlfriend I loved sex with her and I really wanted it I'm the same as before I'm still straight and I only want and want women and I'm afraid and disgusted by gay people, the only problem is that I have obsessive thoughts and so I can't live peacefully and it makes me insecure. Meanwhile, I know I'm straight because I love sex.I used to desire it with my girlfriend and I still desire it now, just like before, I even masturbate to it, I desire it so much and when I watch porn I only look at the woman and if I see a man's ass or something, I get it.Or I turn off her face, I immediately feel disgusted and turn it off. I usually watch things where only the woman is visible and I can imagine myself with the woman. If I see a man's ass or face, I'll turn it off. The translation is not perfect because I am not English, sorry, the point is that I am heterosexual and I only desire and want women and I masturbate to them too, it's just a process, my thoughts are intrusive. Which is quite disturbing and I can't live with it, while I'm still the same person I was, I only desire women and I only want them, I masturbate to them. And for my girlfriend because I really want her but at the same time I have intrusive thoughts about being gay, maybe because I'm really afraid of gay people and gay things.

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

Omg just googled childhood signs that you’re a lesbian and loads say they played online games and pretended to be a boy and date or make out with girls! I used to play Habbo and do shit like this or I just didn’t dress as a boy! I feel sick. I feel doomed. I want to be free of this. I don’t want to be with a girl!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

TRIGGER WARNING: ^just in case! I had just thought of making this post today. I know no one has really been keeping track of my journey with the OCD themes I have been struggling with. Or really knows at all. I did, however, want to share a light hearted update. I hope this may help anyone who could possibly be struggling with the same themes. I apologize if there are any typos or run-on sentences where it may be confusing! I’m trying to avoid making any errors! This will be a long post but hopefully a helpful one. I want to first start with backtracking a bit. The first time I posted on this app was 2 years ago and I was TERRIFIED. It’s not everyday you hear someone struggling with transgender OCD or sexual orientation OCD. It’s more common to hear about someone struggling with harm based OCD or relationship OCD. I for whatever reason one night had the thought that I was transgender. This jolted me awake and I could not go back to sleep. I don’t think I had put too much attention on my gender identity or in anyway felt deeply connected to my gender identity. I knew I was a woman and I didn’t think too much of it. I knew women have different behaviors and mannerisms than men. However, I genuinely just didn’t pay that much mind to it. This wasn’t until I had this random thought while I was trying to go to sleep that put me into an immediate panic. I was freaking out and had no idea what was going on. I felt like I didn’t know myself. I would look in the mirror and I could never recognize myself. I even had the hardest time just looking into a mirror in general; this lasted for a year maybe a year and a half. I still don’t look into mirrors often and not for any extended amount of time. Just enough to wash my face, put on makeup, the basics of getting ready and just doing check ups etc. When my ocd theme was at its worst however, every time I looked into the mirror I just never felt feminine and I never felt like I LOOKED feminine. I would struggle with this so much and the constant battle of not feeling feminine enough. I would cover my body in baggy clothes and would only get ready unless I absolutely had to. I did try to put effort into my appearance for days I had school etc. There was a moment however, that had helped me to understand what I wanted. I was always happy with being a woman it was never something I wanted to change. I had also always been attracted to men. I had told myself if this is who I am biologically and genetically, if I was born a woman then there was never a mistake that was made. I am a woman and I am NOT transgender. I have the biological body of a woman and I refuse to alter myself in anyway to identify as another gender. As crazy as it sounds, I feel as though it had helped me to understand and reconnect with my younger self that I had lost for a bit of time. I remember during COVID and lockdown, a few years before and after this time I was in high school and just beginning college. I had spent a majority of my time on my phone being numbed by scrolling past post after post and seeing endless amounts of different opinions. I feel like I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t. I had felt like everything I was ingesting and claiming to connect with I wasn’t actually connecting with or developing MY OWN opinion on. (This is my own fault, for not spending the time I should’ve off of social medias and the internet to establish my own identity. That’s something I try to avoid a lot these days.) However, this had helped me to really establish ground beliefs I have for myself. I feel as though I was constantly denying myself the things I actually really wanted I just didn’t know it. I refused the idea of getting married and I never liked the thought of having kids. Crazy enough though, this has opened my eyes to understand that I would actually really really really love those things. I feel like they are such important and fundamental parts of our lives that should be experienced. They are the beautiful moments of life that often get overlooked. Sharing your life with someone is so special and being able to build something with them that’s only scared between the two of you. Then to build a bigger home and caring for your family. I find that to be so amazing and I don’t want to miss something like that. This has helped me to understand how much more I truly love being a woman and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I love how strong women are and how enduring we are. I love how compassionate we are and sharing we are. I love being a more gentler person for someone to encounter, I love being kind to people and caring for them. I love having motherly instincts (even though I’m not a mother). There is so much beauty in our differences, between being a man and a woman, but I truly love being a woman. I can appreciate the beauty of a man and their strength and their ability to provide. However, that’s more something I admire and find attractive. It’s not necessarily what I see for myself or connect with. I do really love how I have established an opinion and standard for myself that I hold close. I feel as though it’s helped me in a way understand who I am. I oddly feel as though I’ve connected to a purpose. For as long as I could remember I never understood what that meant or what mine was supposed to be. It’s helped me to be so much more appreciative of the little things and to take full advantage of everything and anything I can. I’ve cried so much these past couple of years, as much as it’s so annoying to be the biggest crybaby I really wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember going years with not crying or being deeply emotionally connected to myself and constantly asking if there was something wrong with me? It’s helped me to care so much more for people and memories and life and the beauty of living. I did and still do have a list of compulsions I say to myself regularly, but especially when my theme was still new. I repeated three different phrases on rotation: I am a girl, I am a woman, I am feminine. When I first developed this theme I would say these to help prevent myself from having another intrusive thought. Furthermore, to help me connect with myself as the woman I am and wanted to be. As time had passed though, they took a turn in how they made me feel. I would repeat my compulsions in my head, but in a way they began to help me become more aware of myself and my life. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish and so much I want to do. So I couldn’t just let myself sit around and do nothing. I feel as though my compulsions helped me so much in starting to take action. I actually began taking my life and the things I wanted seriously. I want to become financially independent so I learned about Roth IRAS and High Yield Savings accounts (there’s still so much more I’d like to learn, but this was a good start). After learning about these things and implementing them into my life I could see first hand how this can really change someone’s life. I found a deep love for understanding the economy and personal finances ( I know boringggg ). I ended up deciding to switch my major to business instead of pre-health bio (a medical school pregrad degree) and being so much more confident in my decision. I’m now in my last year of school and I couldn’t be more excited to start a career in finances helping others understand and manage theirs. I am constantly trying to make sure I’m living life and experiencing all that I can. There’s so much more I want to do and so much more I’ll be taking part in. It truly does get better I didn’t think I’d see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there’s still more work I have to do with my mental health and aiding in my OCD. This theme however was just so different and felt so taboo. I hated telling anyone about it. I was so scared to tell my therapist. I hope this may help someone in knowing that there is another side to it all. It takes a lot of work, trust me, it is exhausting, but hopefully you can realize the things you actually want for yourself and stand firm in those beliefs. Furthermore to also discover a new appreciation for yourself and your strength. I hope you’re able to grow a deeper appreciation for those around you. Especially those who are there for you through your toughest times and holding a special place for them. It’s easy to forget about the little things that truly can make life a little magical sometimes and a little bit more worth living and loving. I really hope this may help someone in any way. If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I’m so sorry it was so long!

This doubt that I’m having from my gay thoughts never go away as soon as I wake up they start I don’t even feel for girls anymore it’s just constant doubt I haven’t felt something for a girl since I was probably 14-15 and I’m 16 now what does this mean I never questioned ever if I www gay cause I dated girls and only girls I got diagnosed with ocd but it really does feel like I’m just denying it

I’m a bi woman, dating a man and sex has been.. difficult lately. I zone out, I get intrusive thoughts. I’m not mentally there lately. I’m chalking it up to ocd and my birth control Or am I just realizing I’m actually gay and no longer want sex with him? And I’m seeing women who went through menopause realize they’re lesbians and I’m worried that I’m currently suppressing smthn. I know I’m bi, I’ve always enjoyed being intimate with my bf. Why is it stopping now I’m debating getting the birth control out (nexplanon arm implant) cuz it’s made the depression and anxiety worse. Which is making the ocd bad. And it’s making me panic. Should I try picturing having sex with a woman to see how it feels? Or kissing a woman? Idk anymore y’all

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been having these anxiety induced thoughts about me liking women, I have never been attracted to a woman. It started with one of my friends saying he thought i was a lesbian when he first met me, then one of my teachers asking him if i was bi. When he told me that I started overthinking and now i’m scared. I don’t want to be a lesbian and i’ve only ever liked guys. My brain is telling me i like girls but i know I like guys. When i’m distracted i don’t think about it but when i’m alone it starts up again, it makes my heart ache which is really annoying but I know it’s just my anxiety. I’m not really sure what to do and it’s stressing me out.

sorry for repost. I don’t know if people aren’t answering because they think im weird or gross. but here I am going to upload a post that I made, it has contents of trauma, sexual themed ocd, zoophilia ocd. I need some help, or advice on how to forgive myself or if I should even forgive myself? Some actions are unforgivable, for example (abusing animls, pdo philia , r4pe) and I’m scared that I am unforgivable and irredeemable. This compulsion happened a couple times. I’m scared I morally failed myself and my pets Here’s the post:

Idk I feel I used to be so much more romantic with my bf before all of this but lately because of all of this I’m finding it really hard to be romantic. Even just kissing sometimes makes me nervous. I haven’t written him a love letter or poetry in 2 months or so (the last time I felt half decent for like 2 days and then it just went away cuz I started panicking again after a female friend who happens to be a lesbian gave me a Christmas gift). He bought me flowers for our 11 month and wrote me a romantic note and my brain said I don’t feel the same and I started panicking and I’m checking if I’ve been romantic today or have shown it and I have felt in love today just looking at him but fuckinf hell my brain is just blabbing on and on in the background about me being gay and not loving my bf. I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me cuz I don’t feel the butterflies and I’m feeling nauseous and just sick and tired of my brain. When I have a good day I have a good day and I feel comfortable but I still can’t pixture the future. Idk if it’s cuz it’s just hard to conceptualize for me or if it’s cuz I don’t want it with him? I think I still do. I’m nervous but he makes me happy and I feel like he is my other half. Saying that makes me feel like I’m lying Maybe I’m scared of being romantic again in case I think I’m lying to him? Cuz what if I am a lesbian and I write him a love letter then the next day I tell him I don’t love him anymore? I lied. But I do love him. I’m not a lesbian. I’m bi. Just cuz I’m dating a man doesn’t make me less bi. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 8 months and that one relationship I was in was toxic as hell. He never paid attention to me, he never wanted to physically be near me, wouldn’t let me kiss him on the cheek?? I felt. Idk worthless. But I put so much effort into loving him cuz I loved him. Now I’m being loved and I can’t conceptualize loving him back anymore?? Even tho I do? Have I fallen out of love cuz I don’t feel consistent feelings? Do I not want the future cuz I’ve fallen out of love? I do want it tho. It feels nice. It doesn’t fill me with overly excitedness but it does make me happy to think about spending my life with him. I know I can’t get any answer but I’m trying to distinguish between ROCD and actual feelings. I’m trying to figure out if it’s actually incompatibility or if I’m just overly anxious and desperate for control over our lives (I think it’s this honestly. Idk what the future will look like cuz of the interfaith aspect so I wanna control as much as I can). I wanna write him a love letter and tell him how much I love and appreciate him but my body is stopping me. I don’t have motivation to which saddens me. And then I have anxiety about sitting and writing cuz what if everything I’m writing is a lie? He gives me so much. Is that the reason I’m scared of breaking up cuz there’s never a right time? There’s never a right time cuz I don’t wanna fucking do it lol. I’m scared I don’t love him as much as he loves me. Or I don’t love him at all. I don’t feel trapped I feel confused. Every time he gives me smtjn it’s “oh my god thank you so much honey I love it” and then my brain jumps to “lol no you don’t break up with him” and I have to keep a smile on my face so I don’t start crying. I love him so much and I cannot hurt him. The thought of losing him is so scary and painful but saying that I don’t feel any physical pain or guilt. I’m just sad. I think I’ve been numbed out to everything I’ve experienced and now I’m just a blob. When hes with me god I am happy but I’m still ruminating and checking. I just wanna love him peacefully. What do I do

I have been dealing with SO-OCD for the past couple months. I’ve made a lot of progress! This theme has caused me to really be in tune with my feelings and I know im a straight woman. My issue is that I still have the intrusive thoughts, which I understand is granted, but it’s cause physical reactions. At first it started as groinal responses and anxiety which were terrifying, but since I question myself less the intrusive thoughts cause me to physically cringe and or feel sick. I took advice from Reddit saying that if I envisioned myself being intimate with the same sex and you like it then you’re gay, if you don’t then you’re not. Well sure enough I don’t like it lol. The envisioning of this has now caused me to, flinch, cringe and sometimes want to throw up. Does this ensure my feelings and does anyone else go through this? I want the intrusive thoughts to go away. Especially since I’m not homophobic and so I can go back to daydreaming without those thoughts ruining them lol.

my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Then another memory kicked in my brain: When I lived for the first time alone, I was researching if it still exists limewire and the shit I tipped in when I was younger. This drove me crazy too, why did I do that?!?!? Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

It feels like I used to get so many intrusive thoughts in the beginning but now it’s less it’s only thoughts like what if I’m a p what if I’m a p what if I’m lying to myself what if I’m in dentist truly in all this and it was all fake like I’m an imposter, now it’s just feelings and noticing :/ and I hate he feelings that come with it I’m really scared I am one I feel so alone :( I’m taking therapy but my therapist is not specialized in ocd and I don’t think she understands and I don’t want to bring it up bc I brought up a fear that what if I turn into my stepdad and she said “are you attracted to children?” And I said no but it was just an irrational thought that came after I started realizing the trauma that happened to me as a kid, and idk I’m scared to Start with a therapists here bc what if all this just makes it worse and it turns out I am what I fear all along.? :(