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Ive been on this platform on and off for quite some time now. The last months have been quite challening. I started with erp but I still struggle to do it consistently. Idk if anyone can relate to what I am about to say, but sometimes when my anxiety is a bit hightened again, I get ocd dreams about my obsession and the feelings I have in the dream are lasting - so I feel them in reality as well - although I mostly feel them when I have nothing do to and I get hit with intrusive thoughts. That lasts probably for a couple of days and its an absolute nightmare. At the moment I am so sad that I feel like I am not able to date because I don’t really feel attraction towards men atm. This always changes but often times when ocd gets worse, my normal attraction fades away. A lot of people around me are getting into relationships and everybody seems to have their lives together and I feel like the odd one out. I wish to get married and have kids but it seems so far away from me right now and I feel quite depressed about it - and I get intrusive thoughts about this as well (that I don’t want to have a boyfriend etc) I wish to find some christian friends on here to talk about this journey, especially when you hope that God will deliver you from all this. I would be glad to connect with people!

I have an obsession with doing bad prayers and it’s worse cause of meta ocd. I feel like I can psyche myself out into doing prayers I wouldn’t normally actually do. It’s not all just intrusive prayers either, but that is part of what Meta ocd is targeting. One issue, is that because of it, I’ll start praying for every little thing, like there to be enough soap, etc. I wouldn’t normally pray for this, but thanks to meta OCD I am and I still want it. This creates a bigger issue when there are other desires I have that I want but wouldn’t normally pray for. I can psyche myself out into possibly praying for those and meaning it, however this would not normally happen. Basically there is the fear of doing the prayer I know I could do. Then the fear of the fear of the prayer. Then the fear of the fear of the fear of the prayer, and it causes a lot of anxiety, and can lead to me actually doing it. I’m sure there can be confusion as to how much I mean things, but ocd will also hand select things I can mean (not just intrusive thoughts, since meta ocd is targeting things that aren’t intrusive thoughts). One way this goes away is if I allow myself to pray for all the bad things, even if I mean it. Because everything will go away, including praying for enough soap or something. But then I’m stuck on the fact that I prayed for the specific things. If I don’t do it, I’m stuck worrying about how my mind is going to manipulate me into praying for something

These are some of my experiences with some theatrical flare to better depict how it feels. I decided to share this because when I saw this community I suddenly felt less alone in more human. Lovecraftian door Lurker: I don’t know the subtypes so I’ll just be talking about my relationship with OCD. OCD! that lonely woman in the ocean singing your praise's, sure she’ll love you forever! Of course she isn’t a siren planning on dragging you to the depths and tearing you to shreds. OCD! that haunting whisper in the wind calling you to fly! fly! OCD! that Lovecraftian abomination chanting at you from behind a locked door. Banging demanding you bow to it’s will. For me it latches on to my trauma and PTSD circling them like some demented teacup ride. A daily occurance for me is recalling the day I died when I was like 6 i remeber each detail of the day the kids i met the activtes we particapated in, the heat. The height of the slide before i plummeted to my death. This day consumes my life. “Thud thud!” I ask my parents about it often they tell me it never happened i tell them they weren’t there. Each time they lie and say I’ve never told them. My boyfriend whom I’ve been with for three years hears the story offten and often deals with me asking him if he’s seen me ask my parents. “Thud Thud” Each time he says yes and I asked how they responded “like you’ve never told them.” I constantly become afraid that my boyfreind will drown because he can’t swim. “Thud! Thud!” and because he can’t swim that the car will go off the road into some body of water and he will die. ”Thud! Thud!” I feel the water filling my lungs turning them into fire, the fear of reaching out my hands with no aid. “THUD! THUD! And he will die alone too and there’s nothing you can do to stop it! THUD THUD!” I scream that same fire fueling my rage my tears running down my face like gasoline igniting the thought spiral further burning deeper into my self hatred. I scream again banging my hands on my head. Wish and hoping it will shut up the thoughts.“why? Why?! WHY!” Sobbing until I’m nothing but a puddle. . . Ya know a few months ago I was depressed the thoughts became too much, so I wanted to get high. I thought it would make them stop “Thud! Thud!” So I took a gummy it was unpackage, from a friend of a friend so now the word dog, in reference to a person is a permit part of my vocabulary. And I have memories from being in a comma because it turned out to be DMT and my 6 hour trip end up feeling like 6 months of HELL. The ocd thoughts that i usually see, in a flash became so real that i just cried for hour terrified i was stabbing my eyes out dead and this was my purgatory for leaving the church. ”Thud! THUD!” I stopped using my favorite water bottle after that. Before the incident The bottle up against the wall with the straw to the side of the wall because the thought that would repeat in my head would be that because of my clumsiness I would trip and fall onto the straw and it would stab my eye out and kill me. I had this thought often I kept look up what to do if you accidently get something stab/stuck in your eye. “Thud! Thud!”

Hi I have a question. I love jesus he changed my life and Made me a better person but my ocd loves to confuse me so I have a problem where I remember something in the past and I repented ofc but not it makes me question my intentions and my ocd always puts the are you lying to God card which makes me super scared and then doubt occurs and I'm so exhausted I misinterpret a lot like the voice of God I keep hearing tell the truth and repent now that's it all Good if it were true see ik I'm telling the truth not because of some feeling it's because ocd's version is so ridiculous but It feels soo real I just Want go to God without feeling this fear if I'm lying to him and I fear if somehow I'm wrong. So much anxiety and questions like what if that is gods voice what if I'm wrong pls pray for me and I see videos and I'm scared if that video was sent to me by God telling me to "tell the truth" I say that because my ocd is causing me to doubt the truth being that ocd is wrong

About 2 months ago, I started to worry about making bad prayers. I have meta ocd so it was very complicated. My brain would essentially stimulate me to make certain prayers by praying for every possible thing, showing how easy it was to do. It was so bad I initially tried sleeping, and anything to avoid bad prayers, but that wasn’t enough. I kept imagining people yelling at me to not make prayers. Eventually, I was fed up with it, and felt like I got washed up with a wave of anger towards those people in my head (I imagined them being real people), and ended up praying “if someone says something online that’s going to lead to me being triggered and killing myself, kill them first please,” with at least a feeling of anger towards people. Then immediately after I didn’t care and thought “woah woah woah.” I don’t know why this happened. Maybe it’s a part of it. But it felt targeted and malicious.

I kind of doubt this is intrusive thoughts. I hope it is, but I somewhat doubt it. I have a prayer obsession that has been driving me CRAZY. I have spent like 10+ hours a day thinking about this, and there seems like no end in sight. I believe I’ve prayed for some bad things and meant it, partly as a result of this, so I’m stuck in this cycle and can’t accept uncertainty with it. When I was incredibly desperate during one of my classes and suicidal, the one thing stopping me from doing it, was that my parents would be devastated. I almost, I believe had the genuine urge to pray that they would die in a way that wasn’t my fault. I’m not even talking about intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, the ocd did play one factor. It somewhat neutralized it, to say that in the conditions of the prayer, I could not be morally responsible at all for praying for it or the outcome. So this was something at that moment I somewhat wanted. I resisted, but came very close, which is disturbing. At the moment it happened and had that urge, I was so bad off that I felt like there was no hope (I wanted to do it when I got back from class, although I didn’t cause it’s scary), and I needed an escape. Unfortunately, this was the escape my mind presented. It also presented another escape that I believe has actually become something that I now view as an escape. I was worried about making a racist prayer in the beginning of the prayer obsession. My mind presented to me the scenario: “if all people of color suddenly died, you would feel so guilty, you would attempt suicide.” My mind also neutralized it to say if it happened, it could happen in a way that I wouldn’t be morally responsible at all for, including the prayer (which makes no sense). I believe I have thought of this so much, that not only has it become something I’ve started to see as an escape, but the worry about praying for it has actually made that particular situation something that stands out as an escape. The more I worry about it, the more guilty I’d feel if something like that happened (which obviously never will), so when thinking of escapes, that and the thing about my parents are in the forefront of my mind. I believe possibly my mind has driven me crazy to the point where I am actually capable of praying for these things. I have also had the urge to pray for things like world war 3 as an escape. I know it wouldn’t normally happen beyond ocd driving me crazy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.

This is really complicated but it isn’t just intrusive thoughts, however I didn’t directly do the prayer. I’ll do my best to explain. I’ve been having an obsession over prayers. There have been a few bad prayers I’ve almost done and meant that are not good. A week and a half ago, I was feeling desperate and I had the genuine urge to pray for my parents to die in a way which somehow wasn’t my fault (I couldn’t be morally responsible for the prayer was another condition too), because if I attempted suicide, it would devastate them. Thankfully, I stopped myself, but that mindset stuck. If I was worried about it, it could actually put me back in that mindset where I wanted to pray for it. I know this sounds crazy. So it followed me around sometimes. OCD has found loopholes to actually doing the prayer. I have prayed to pray for certain things, meaning I am indirectly praying for it. This was sort of like that, except my mind designated that blinking while thinking of it a certain way would be a prayer. To me, this actually meant it was a prayer because of magical thinking. I ended up blinking while thinking of this, and I did regret it right after, but in that moment, I meant it. I essentially blinked during that moment to magically agree with and do the prayer. And to me, it was doing the prayer. I meant it while doing this too, but didn’t care afterwards. To me, stepping back, it does feel different than directly doing the prayer. This probably doesn’t make much sense

What’s involved in this process? •demons •tyrants (actual people) •replacing hobbies with church I believe we were all born with talents, interests, I don’t think religion or spirituality should ever be a hobby or something for fun or to dive into when ur bored religion or spirituality should only be approached when needed needed crucially needed is what I’m starting to believe. That just makes sense. Why would God want us thanking him constantly when he just wants to help us and want us to know like “hey bro here if u need anything holler at me.” and like he kicks up his feet and does his own thing, like what if god is just like that and then here I am having mad anxiety that I just put Gods name I lowercase but I meant no disrespect towards god when doing that. n that’s my point again, why would the person who created me to experience feeling grass on my thighs and walking this earth to look at sunsets he creates for us each day n eat good yellow mangos n explore rainforest and ultimately “LIVE LIFE.”, of course I would assume the one who wanted us to experience life on earth for a bit would maybe perhaps be like any ordinary day and say, “make good decisions.” Before you walk out the door, like imagine the whole Bible was just those 3 factors I’ve just pointed out •live life • make good decisions •I’m here if you need me I’m really gonna create the type of God that works for me idc anymore this is really giving me so much peace Do/Did many/most people with OCD have an absent parent/abusive parent? I’m starting to think that could also be another reason why OCD is developed Is that already a proven fact? Would make lots of sense.

my ocd and anxiety has been so bad a couple of days… so i started liking this guy that i am friends with and we also went to prom together… after prom, i caught feelings for him even more because he’s so respectful and nice… but he is also a boy that acts like one… but overall he’s rlly sweet.. the other day though since we go to the same school we were in the parking lot after school with our friends just talking and socializing… but once he was leaving i went to go give him a hug and hugged me… my other guy friend was with us who’s also friends with him and hugged him too and whispered in his ear and said “yo u and sav would be a good couple” and he nodded saying “yes” (my guy friend told me that) so eventually i told him saying “yeah i like him” blah blah but there is a problem that bothers me so badly… my friend likes him… i didn’t tell her for a while until i think my OCD was just bothering me sm if i didn’t tell her so i told her how i felt and i was just saying like “i don’t want this to ruin our friendship or anything but i have feelings for him…” yada yada… she was like “i understand but if i’m honest with u if u ask him out i will be upset” i’m just like i wasn’t planning to rlly i can’t tell if he rlly likes me anyways but i didn’t say that… i said “i’m just telling u how i feel” and she goes “i mean i would see u guys anyways because u guys are closer” then she says “can i ask u something and a non rude way” and i was like sure…. she goes “since i’m the first person that liked him can i give it a try if it doesn’t work that’s that” and i was like girl idk it’s Gods plan if it doesn’t work it doesn’t if it does it does” and i’m saying that in the most mature and respectful way yk? because i am christian i’ve been praying about it also. so we were good after that but my anxiety and OCD has been so horrible… i’m uncomfortable around them because she flirts with him but i don’t and she did it on ft when i fell asleep on ft and my best friend was on there and had to hear it….she told me that he does it back she just can’t tell if he’s joking or not… but i’m so overwhelmed about it i’m having thoughts like “what if u and him stop being friends” … “what if something bad happens” …. “what if ur not confident in yourself enough where he won’t like you” …. “what if this is a love triangle” i’m just so sick of this and i don’t wanna be so distraught over a stupid boy because i’ve been through sm with my past talking stage thinking it will work but now im like rlly cauious over being in a relationship now…

This is sort of a sub part of the religious OCD, but I have Meta OCD as well. My main fear is ocd driving me to do a horrible prayer. Unfortunately, one thing my mind does is prays for things I want constantly to prove that I can choose what I pray for. Some of these things include either my ocd to go away, people to be safe, or to die by being killed by a an animal or something when I’m running on the trial. The issue is with the being killed thing. I have prayed for all sorts of things I know are not going to happen. Unfortunately, one of them was almost world war 3. I’m not usually that kind of person. I read someone say they basically prayed for disaster every day on Reddit and people didn’t completely destroy them over it, so I thought “well I could pray for world war 3.” The issue is, if I were my normal calm self, I wouldn’t do that. All I would be thinking about is how I would die if it happened. I’m not sure if testing the prayers are somehow warping my actual values or if that’s an excuse I’m making for myself. When I’m running on the trail, I really wouldn’t want to be killed by an animal either, but I guess I mean it, cause I want to die. But I know it’s not going to happen. So I’m not sure if this is an ocd issue or not

This is sort of a sub part of the religious OCD, but I have Meta OCD as well. My main fear is ocd driving me to do a horrible prayer. Unfortunately, one thing my mind does is prays for things I want constantly to prove that I can choose what I pray for. Some of these things include either my ocd to go away, people to be safe, or to die by being killed by a an animal or something when I’m running on the trial. The issue is with the being killed thing. I have prayed for all sorts of things I know are not going to happen. Unfortunately, one of them was almost world war 3. I’m not usually that kind of person. I read someone say they basically prayed for disaster every day on Reddit and people didn’t completely destroy them over it, so I thought “well I could pray for world war 3.” The issue is, if I were my normal calm self, I wouldn’t do that. All I would be thinking about is how I would die if it happened. I’m not sure if testing the prayers are somehow warping my actual values or if that’s an excuse I’m making for myself. When I’m running on the trail, I really wouldn’t want to be killed by an animal either, but I guess I mean it, cause I want to die. But I know it’s not going to happen. So I’m not sure if this is an ocd issue or not

This is sort of a sub part of the religious OCD, but I have Meta OCD as well. My main fear is ocd driving me to do a horrible prayer. Unfortunately, one thing my mind does is prays for things I want constantly to prove that I can choose what I pray for. Some of these things include either my ocd to go away, people to be safe, or to die by being killed by a an animal or something when I’m running on the trial. The issue is with the being killed thing. I have prayed for all sorts of things I know are not going to happen. Unfortunately, one of them was almost world war 3. I’m not usually that kind of person. I read someone say they basically prayed for disaster every day on Reddit and people didn’t completely destroy them over it, so I thought “well I could pray for world war 3.” The issue is, if I were my normal calm self, I wouldn’t do that. All I would be thinking about is how I would die if it happened. I’m not sure if testing the prayers are somehow warping my actual values or if that’s an excuse I’m making for myself. When I’m running on the trail, I really wouldn’t want to be killed by an animal either, but I guess I mean it, cause I want to die. But I know it’s not going to happen. So I’m not sure if this is an ocd issue or not

I don’t know how to stop this, but I feel like I physically can’t accept uncertainty about my obsession. I’m having an obsession over prayers. It’s led me to worry about praying for an inappropriate fleeting desire. Me being suicidal has led to my brain using that against me to come up with things I could pray for, like a meteor strike while I’m sleeping (because I would die, so it’s something I really wouldn’t mind). The issue, is earlier today, I might have prayed for it, but I don’t remember if I did. Most people will say it’s intrusive thoughts. It might be, but if I did it in the way I think, I’m not sure that’s the case. But I can’t remember if I did it, and I feel like I literally physically cannot accept uncertainty, no matter how hard I try

Please don’t judge until you read this I have religious beliefs and I want to understand the lgbt community but my beliefs is that being lgbt is a lustful sin and I don’t like it. I have been trying to tell people I’m not trying be mean it’s just what I read in the Bible and what I believe. But I’m not gonna kick my friends out if they were to come out at any point. And I’m not trying to spread my beliefs but it is also my calling as a Christian to spread the gospel as well but I do believe that you can still be saved even if you’re lgbt if you believe in god but I worry about that because my god doesn’t want people to keep sining over and over again and I love people but I hate how they don’t understand me. So I just try and pray for them and hope they understand. I feel horrible so I never know if I want to go back to god or not.

Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with religious OCD. I'm a Christian and I struggle with Harm OCD but then somehow, my religious beliefs got mixed into this where I am suddenly asking all these questions on whether God/Jesus is even good. And as a result, I feel so distant from my faith which makes dealing with my harm OCD so much harder 😢 Any advice would be appreciated.

TW religious ocd OCD is turning innapropriate desires into prayers. Essentially the best way I can describe it is everyone has innapropriate desires sometimes. One example is if I’m suicidal, I wouldn’t mind if a meteor hit while I was asleep. Obviously that affects other people too, but if it’s not my fault, selfishly I want it. Well, it essentially turns that “I want this” thought into me thinking towards god “this would be nice if it happens.” Especially if it wasn’t my fault at all, I wouldn’t mind. My brain can VERY easily turn that into a prayer. All I have to do is direct it for a second towards god, and boom, technically it’s a prayer. Has anyone else had this? It really seems like ocd, even if it is VERY technically a prayer. It doesn’t seem like a normal, thought out prayer

My husband and I host karaoke. Last night, we had a couple men offer up $200 to get someone in line after we had booked up. Which is ludicrous, and I wouldn’t have accepted it… we’re a local dive bar in the middle of nowhere. So I explained that I would see what I could do, but they didn’t need to pay us. And that we’ve had issues before with accepting money like that and being dragged across the Internet and called greedy. Some of my singers dropped out of the lineup, so I was able to get that girl a spot. She was 5th in line when a local, well off community member came up and offered us $300 to put her next. I could tell that they were all passionate about hearing her sing, and I touched his hands with the money and said you don’t need to do that, I’ll make her next. Don’t worry about it! And then he STILL put the money in the tip jar. I practically begged him not to do it. That it wasn’t necessary. And I said I couldn’t accept the money, and he said “yes you can.” He was so kind and hugged me as I cried and thanked him, and he asked “is this going to help yall out?” And I told him yes, and he asked why and I explained that we had a lot of debt. He proceeds to give me another $500. I’m crying, I’m still telling him it’s too much and that I can’t accept it, he’s still telling me I can. Point being, now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for him to wake up in the morning and regret it or ask for it back, or something wild. I can’t accept good things that happen to me. I’m always waiting for things to go wrong. I feel like I never deserve blessings like this. Me and God have a complicated relationship. Even more so now that I’ve learned that excessive prayer is a compulsion I struggle with. But last night, my husband and I prayed that we would get through the night, physically, mentally and monetarily. Just enough to be able to pay a little bit down on one of our loans we’ve been stuck on. And then this happens. No naturally, OCD has taken a very strong foothold and has told me I don’t deserve this, that this is going to be taken away, that something bad is going to happen because I accepted this money, that it only happened because I prayed for it and if I stop praying bad things will happen. It’s been a nasty spiral all morning. When I should just be like everyone else and accept the blessing with gratitude and peace, and choose to believe there are good people in the world who want to help people out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It’s a rough morning (and I even feel guilty for saying that, because I should just be grateful)

Hello! I’m 17 and I already go to a therapist for anxiety and OCD and I feel like the wider amount of people I ask for advice may help me find other ways to improve. So in short, I keep getting thoughts of this one time I was pinned down by my uncle (I think? It’s a bit blurry) and all that I know was that after I was crying and I was pushing him away. I don’t know maybe it was because of the lack of space or control of the situation, I tend to get really anxious and even cry when I cannot control situations, whether it’s on planes or literally driving places I have to constantly check around me so I can Prepare to get hit by a car or run off the highway. I come up with numerous plans to escape school shootings without being harmed and even saving my friend, I have found out where her classes are and how I can take her and run out of there and I have been trying to get fit incase I have to fight back to protect myself and anyone I love but it is a constant thought. Another thing that comes to come constantly is the taste of my mouth, right now I ate dried strawberry’s ( I love dried fruit) and I have that lingering taste in my mouth and I want to throw up and my stomach feels still empty but I literally ate lunch already and breakfast so I wonder why sometimes I try to put salt on my tongue to make it go away but it just won’t. Another thing I am Christian so I Often pray, but when I pray I have to atleast do the cross symbol on my face 2 times, or any even number, I usually do it when I’m eating, when I wake up, when I get on the bus, when I get in my car, and when I go to sleep (4 times when I sleep, 2 times for the other times) and when I forgot I do it 8 times and sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough, anyways that’s all I can write currently, any advice for this would be appreciated.

Hey all. I need help. I am sitting on my bathroom floor freaking out and convinced that all my work towards getting better has gone out the window. I am so scared of the “bad guy” getting me all the time. I constantly feel like I have to prove to God that I don’t mean these awful feelings and thoughts that I have about the bad guy. I’ve had trouble sleeping tonight, going in and out of consciousness, all while dealing with bad thoughts going in and out of my head. Finally I woke up and am flooded with “you have so many thoughts and feeling that you let slide while you were trying to sleep. You had thoughts that you accepted the bad guy and you didn’t dispute them before you tried to move on. You have so much to answer for.” So now I’m sitting here in my bathroom floor hysterically crying and begging God to believe me when I say I don’t any of these thoughts or feelings… please someone help

I don't even believe in God but I start praying every time I am anxious and when something doesn't go the way I planned I just think that it's because I disappointed Him. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I even keep a necklace that make me feel protected and when I get over the anxiety attack I just feel so stupid.