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the NOCD Community

I can’t. I’m so scared. I don’t want to deny the HOLY SPIRIT. I keep having intrusives that make me question my real intentions.

I have been doubting my salavtion for 18 years or 15 years does not matter I am 40. I was told I had ocd region last year and tore me apart. It does make sense I have also ptsd and bipolar. How do I know if I have repented and am saved? I feel numb to God. Never any love or change in my heart. I don’t belive good works save me. I know the Bible in my head but how do you know Jesus? I am tired and need a heart change but how does that happens with ocd? Forget about church they can’t handle me and have tried to help but given up. Been told I have been oppressed by demons pray harder trust God more ect. I feel depressed and take my anger out on my kids age 14 10 and 9 and husband. I feel alone and taking medicine does not help. I take my meds for bipolar and anxity. How can I be sure God has saved me or I want God? I am mad at God and been told it’s was sin. I think it is but why did I have to be abused as a kid and have mental health issues and now ocd junk. I don’t have the fruit of the spirit. My mind is in torment sometime and numb myself out with tv sleep drinks food pills ect. Where is Jesus ? Why can’t I have assurence? Just being real and the church is scared of me or I overwhelm people. Jesus offeres peace and rest and I don’t have that. I want my sins forgiven and be loved by God and have him as a my father. Dortine does matter saying the sinners prayer does not save me and I am lost and confused. I don’t want to go to hell. Please anyone have anything to say. I don’t have support

I had a blasphemous thought against the holy spirit s few days ago a bc it’s been on my mind. So today i asked my mom: “ does God take someone’s life away if they committed the sin of blasphemy” and she responded with “Maybe yes or maybe no, he can maybe give that person days to live until the destined day that person has to die, dies.” And after she said that i’ve been kind of anxious and asking for forgiveness. Keep in mind that i wasn’t feel bad about this thought before. Idk why. Now i’m anxious.

I’ve had very weird sexual religious thoughts and it has had a bad effect on my image of God and who he really is.

I hate sitting in my room with only me and my thoughts. I have lost my faith in the lord and can’t seem to get on with my life. I’m so stuck on everything and can’t seem to get better. I keep self harming and get to the point to where I see the second layer of my skin. It gets worse and worse each time I have suicidal thoughts. One of these days it’ll get so bad that well you can probably guess what I may do. I have been abused physically mentally and sexually in my past and it haunts me every single day of my life. Any time I try to talk to someone about my mental health they tell me I’m a waste of their time or that I need to talk to someone other than them. But all that does is make me keep it all bottled up and I can’t take it anymore. They say mental abuse is worse than physical and I can see why they say that. I just want a normal life so I don’t have to be depressed 24/7. It ruins my social life and it makes me loose my friends and family because of how distant I am. I just need help and please give me advice. Also sorry I’m not very good at explaining things.

Is anyone else here a Christian dealing with ocd? I could use some support because I've been having a hard time growing close to God ever since my ocd started getting bad. I deal with a lot of religious intrusive thoughts such as being unforgivable, or being cursed or possessed. What's some advice?

OCD often makes me feel distant from God. I often feel unforgiven, unloved, and even hated. In my head I often view God as someone who hates me and who is always constantly disappointed in me. My relationship with him feels like an Obligation now more than a relationship. I’m always on the cusp of becoming an atheist, but I always draw myself back because I don’t want to give up my faith so fast, even if it’s been 4-5 years of living like this. I’m often at war with myself daily. There is never a day that I feel as though if I do one small thing whether it be buy something or eat something that I’m going to end up in eternal damnation. And even though I know it’s only OCD and it’s cognitive distortions, I still feel uneasy.

Hey guys- I don’t know if any of you with religion/spirituality ocd struggle with the “unacceptable thoughts” about like evil and stuff but I’m struggling.. it feels like I believe that I want the evil stuff because I had demon-like voices in my head as ahead where I went to talk to God when I was experiencing great distress and then these evil thoughts came in and I let them in and like “ok-ed” evil stuff. Especially because I felt so forced into my faith journey as a kid so it’s like that “feeling rejected -> rebellion thing) but I also know that but I also have such fond memories of feeling so close to God to leaning on Him for so many things. It’s so hard because 90% of my memories as a kid, I struggled with severe ocd and no one knew what it was or how debilitating it could be I’m trying the ERP with these thoughts but😭 have any of you gone through the same things? It’s so strong In my mind because I know there’s actual spiritual warfare so I feel like - pray for me guys

Hey I feel like I just have this evil like whirring feeling of anxiety and like “something bad is gonna happen” and feeling you’re going to do things against God or like you already have I guess?

my ocd theme is about god being real or not and last night i went and looked for the mistakes in bible and found some. now the next day i woke up and i feel super anxious like my body is about to stop working please someone talk to me, if you a bit of time

Does anyone question that they'll go to hell because of your intrusive thoughts. I feel so scared about that because I grew up Catholic

Hey, I’ve been doing some research on OCD and think I may have it. I’m not 100% sure, but I have a lot of the symptoms. I want to get myself diagnosed, but my parents won’t let me. They agree that it’s very likely that I have OCD, but they think that if I try hard enough, I can get over it. I don’t know what to do anymore or if what I have even is OCD, and I want to be somewhat sure before a I do anything. Right now, I’m a junior in high school, but freshman year was when my “OCD” was the most severe. I think I had (and still do) the symmetry/order subtype and “just right” subtype. I was obsessed with writing things neatly to a point in which I kept forcing myself to erase and rewrite things until all the letters were straight and all the graphs were neatly drawn (typing wasn’t safe either because I use Notability and felt the need to align every text box and make them all the same length). Handwriting was especially a problem in calculus A, and it got to a point in which I couldn’t keep up with the notes, and the homework was taking hours a night because I was obsessed with making my work perfect. Needless to say, I didn’t get a good grade in calculus A and didn’t build a good foundation for future math classes. This makes me really sad because I was previously really good at math and had a bright future in the subject. Eventually, I just stopped trying in calculus A, but by then, I felt burnt out, couldn’t concentrate on anything, kept putting things off, and lost the ability to properly manage my time. I think it may have escalated to executive dysfunction at that point, and it carried over to all my other classes. As someone who was previously pretty productive and good at planning, this was a huge hit on my self-esteem. I was also obsessed with symmetry. If I touched one side of my body, I had to touch the other side in the exact same place. If I was coding something, I would have to evenly distribute touch across each key on the keyboard. It felt like everything was a heatmap, and the colors had to be kept in balance at all times. I also avoided odd numbers because they were considered “asymmetrical”. I was obsessed with routine and had to complete tasks in a certain way, a certain order, and a certain amount of time. Even something as small as combing my hair for five minutes instead of six caused me extreme distress. Writing one word that “sounded off” on an English paper left me unable to keep writing until I fixed it. I had to keep the sound of my phone at a certain volume (6 normally, 10 when exercising, and 12 when cleaning, divide everything by 2 when using a computer) and had to walk a round number (any number that ends in 0) of steps a day. I kid you not when I say that some days I woke up and didn’t want to live anymore. Sophomore year, my mental health improved and I probably seemed overly perfectionistic but not to a point of concern. However, this year, the handwriting issue relapsed in all its glory during physics, and I’m not able to keep up with notes or homework. I feel the same way that I did in calculus A, and I don’t want history to repeat itself. I want to ask my teacher to let me do my homework on paper rather than the iPad (it’s easier for me to write on paper due to increased friction), but I’m scared to ask because I don’t have a formal diagnosis. I don’t know what causes my behavior. I feel like if I can’t do things perfectly, no one will like me. I’ll lose all my friends, and no boy will ever want to go out with me. I know it’s irrational. Literally no one cares what my notes look like or how long I spend on each step of my morning routine or whatever, but I constantly feel like people are judging me and will hate me the second I mess up. There are two more times in my life that I can think of when I displayed symptoms of OCD, contamination OCD when I was 9 and pure/religious/magical thinking/health concern OCD (they all just kind morphed together) when I was 11. I can go into more detail if you wish. As of now, I just want to know my behavior sounds like OCD, and if so, how to more forward. If not, I would love to know what I do have and how to treat it. Thank you so much.

im Catholic and ever since starting highschool and started being scared of what people are thinking. I’m scared that I’m evil and that I praise evil because my ocd is a fear of talking to it so my compulsion is to focuse on talking to something or someone else. But, I keep imagining evil like under the ground and now it feels like I know its personality. And I can’t imagine it as truly evil and I can’t even imagine God anymore. Please help

I recently was diagnosed with postpartum ocd/ depression/ anxiety it’s by far the hardest thing I ever had. As an adolescent I struggled with depression/anxiety/ & self harm I didn’t realize back then that self harm was a compulsion for me. Anyway recently ocd has been attacking my baby along with my loved ones or even strangers. I feel horrible about it & feel insane I have panic attacks very often. I do my best to remind myself it’s ocd not me. I am genuinely the kind of person that is disturbed by road kill & cry over new all the time. I didn’t have these intrusive thoughts until my baby was 4 months (he’s now 6 months) because of a stupid true crime case & then it spiraled. I believe the only reason it’s doing all this is to have me feel like I am a villain & evil. It causes me to wonder if I have psychosis (like my mind purposely thinks the worst to try to convince me of psychosis) I am aware that’s not how it works. I am doing everything possible to overcome this sadly my insurance is Medicaid & it doesn’t work on here to find a OCD specialist. I move in 10 days to a new state & my insurance will be cut off for some time. I recently started Zoloft so I’m hoping it helps me until then. I want hope from other moms that have gone through similar experiences… this feels so exhausting & endless I wasn’t like this a few months ago. All I do is pray for things to get better I read the Bible to ease my heart & try to trust God that this to shall pass.

Hi there I talk about religion (but I'm not trying to force it down anyone's throat) So my main event (which is the one that truly bothers me) happened in 2015 when I was 14. I won't go into any details or anything. I will say that it got so bad once that I almost committed something detrimental to my health earlier this year. Not long after that I spoke to a doctor and basically confessed what's been happening to my brain and my mistakes, he mentioned things that really resonated with me, I'll paraphrase a bit: "Okay, so what you did was not good but it's not something to condemn yourself for. It falls into the grey area, you've apologized and have been forgiven (even though I apologized over text, which comes across cowardly)but it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself. There's a whole lot of difference between you at 14 and you at 23. Try to have some perspective." This really helped and it still does, but unfortunately ocd tries to find a way around this. I'll get a thought of "oh but you forgot to mention that other part of the event" and it magnifies it. Can anyone relate? I've done everything but fully move on because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to move on. And I'm still worried over the future.

I didnt wanted to post about this but it makes me really sad right now. This post will be about Christianity so if you believe in something else dont read it cause i will mention things that might trigger you. Im struggling with my faith right now and i feel like christianity might be the same like other religions and beliefs. I wont come with the "if theres a God prove it, i want Him to show up" thats ignorant, but i think about some things that keeps me stuck. Before christianity i was really desperate to find the meaning of life so i read about spirituality. Alot of people believe in that and live a peaceful life, cause that thinking makes you have positive behaviours cause they found a meaning. We say other religions are false things but then we say ours is true cause "we feel like its true". So its all about how you feel. Back then i just couldnt relate to spirituality and i found people who were liars and strange people, but we know christians can be that too, so i left spirituality cause it didnt made me feel good. But maybe if i wouldve stayed there and learn more, it generates the same feeling as i have now towards God and now i would say thats the truth cause i feel at peace and that im loved. Many spiritual people feel that, without christian beliefs. Non believers too realized a long time ago that self love is so important. So the problem is that i can never explain why do i believe, i always say "cause i feel that its real" well, if i would be so desperate to pray to a cat God and make myself believe everything I have is from that cat i would feel like its true. So my faith is about how i feel... which can be easily manipulated. And many times people said to me "its just a view, it makes you happy cause youre afraid that life doesnt bavw a meaning" and now i kinda feel like it can be true. Many will say faith is relational, but i can make that relation to anything, as is said if i think theres a big cat somewhere who loves me it can become relational... and then where all this ends it sounds like well God is with us but he doesnt do anything to intervene, you might now feel Him, we dont have any evidence, in the end of the day you just have to trust theres someone who will give you something after this horrible life. And that sounds like you want to give meaning to life. Maybe i didnt got the answers from the best christians, but it sounds to me like you jjst have to trust theres someone out there, and that belief will make you happier... But its the same with every other religion tho... Native americans believed in many Gods and it gave them meaning and a happy peacefull life. But we say thats false... why? Isnt our belief the same? I hope i get some loving anwers, cause im not trying to ruin anyones belief, im just struggling with my faith.

Lately, I’ve been avoidant of prayer. A lot of fear comes with it for me lately. Fear I don’t deserve it, fear I’m doing it wrong, fear I’ll say the wrong thing or damage my salvation in some way, fear God will think I’m fake, etc. But, if I avoid praying because I’m afraid, I’m afraid then that God is mad at me for not praying, or that it means I don’t have a good enough relationship with him. If I was a better Christian, I’d pray more. It’s a vicious cycle, because then I feel even more guilt and worry about prayer. Like, I’m scared God will think I’m full of it, or I don’t love him, because I go days without praying at times.

I have to say im struggling with my faith right now. I watch alot of Mark Dejesus videos but i find myself questioning everything. First i was questioning for a while now if theres free will and God doesnt interfere with our choices then what is the reason of praying, asking him things. If someone wants to kill me God wont come down and stop him, then what is the reason of me praying for protection? Other is the thing we say that "If God is with us who can be against us? What can man do to me?" Well the same they did to Jesus. Many people get tortured by others,r@pd,theres alot of things in this world, i dealt with this before, I know theres no answer for us cause we arent God, but still this statement that "what man can do to me" fails there cause i can still be afraid everyday that people will attack me and my family. And this is what i realized this time. Sadly im not much in a christian community, if i am im with people who has these basic answers but its okay we arent perfect, but my friends are unbelievers and we talked many times about faith and why i believe and what they told me just stick with me and now i feel like i understand. The thing is that whenever you have a problem like i said before someone is attacking you, you have an illness or any problem, even if you are christian or not you will have to do something alone. You have to face it, you have to act, and if you dont know what to do nobody will come down from the sky to lead you somewhere. And the problem is that lets take two people one who is a believer other is not, they had a problem both decided to so something about it, the non believer goes through it and he id happy about himself, the believer says "without God i couldnt do it" well the non believer did it without God. I see alot of times that things that christians say they couldnt reach without God, non believers do it without Him. And no i dont think every non believer should suffer cause they dont believe... but then the question is in my head, whats the point? Cause my non believer friends say they can see that this is just a perspective too, how you view things, and now i see it that it might be true... What if i just choose that i see it like this? Now i dont think that i will become an atheist soon, all my life i believed theres something there, even when i said no i was just fooling myself cause the next day i felt different. But im struggling with these questions cause i hear it everytime in christian communities to "trust in God, pray to Him, ask and you will get it" but its not true, theres free will and God doesnt change someones mind and many thing in this world is controlled by people. And call me crazy but i think science is so advanced right now that people can influence weather and make storms and tornadoes if they want to destroy a city. So yeah for me theres a God but i dont see the truth in what can man do to me and he will protect you just pray and ask him... My friends say im just believing cause i need to think something is there to protect me, or to give everything a meaning and maybe theyre right cause i cant explain why do i believe, i just do, but for people who are deeply hurted my a religion or they have problems and they can get through it without believing God, idk what to say them, why to believe... The basic "cause eitherway you will burn in hell" is not going to turn anyone to a christian... I hope some can take this and answer it kindly not attacking me cause i struggle with my faith or "im not a true christian" if someone says that i will ignore it. Thanks for your time.

im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.

Anyone get thoughts that they are possessed?