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I found this, and it’s really triggering. Like because I don’t feel love as intensely, does that mean I’ve lost feelings? Is this relationship screwed because of my traumas, that I am currently trying to work on?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Is this ocd ? Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me ?because I'm really hopeless. I csnt afford any help sincr im a minor and I need support

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Is this ocd ? Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me ?because I'm really hopeless. I csnt afford any help sincr im a minor and I need support

we make 1 year and 10 months but my mind bacame a dark place when we had only 4 months and i doubt even loving him then. i hate my brain for thinking so badly of my boyfriend, i dont feel grateful and i feel soo strange guilty bc i think he is annoying and cringe when he is loving and caring and everything he does i think he is weird but my mind destroys everything good and i dont understand what is happending im scared i dont like him and that im in denial. he dosent deserve this. i havent been lovely to him in a long time bc of my state of mind im scared if i will get better i will realise my fears are true im ai scared i dont actually love him Lately, my boyfriend brought up that I don’t initiate or feel comfortable with anything sexual, and he admitted that it makes him feel insecure—like maybe he’s not enough for me or that I’m not truly attracted to him. This made me spiral even more, because now I keep thinking, “What if he’s right? What if the reason I don’t feel sexual attraction is because I don’t actually like him?” I know that stress and ROCD can completely shut down desire, but this fear feels so real. The worst part is that now I feel pressure to “prove” to myself that I am attracted to him, which only makes me feel more disconnected. I also feel incredibly guilty because he has done so much for me, and yet I feel like I’m constantly questioning my feelings instead of just enjoying our time together. I can’t help but feel like I’m losing my teenage years because of this disorder. I should be happy, enjoying my relationship, and focusing on my life—but instead, I spend every day obsessing over my thoughts, questioning if I love him, if I find him attractive, if I want a future with him. It feels like I can’t even experience my relationship normally because my brain won’t let me. I just want to stop overanalyzing everything and actually live my life. But ROCD makes it feel like there’s always something to doubt, always something to fix. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

PLEASE READ THIS. My bestfriend moved away to a different city to go to another school and we were in a friend group of 8 people. The relationships between me and the others in the friendgroup was complicated but i didnt like so many of them because i felt a bit left out. When we started high school all the 7 of us is now in the same class. On the school my bestfriend is going to now, someone k… themself and she was sad for it (she wasnt friends with him but all in their school is somehow close cause they live in a boat). On a halloweenparty w my friends i was a bit sad cause i felt a bit lonely. I texted my bff and told her that im tired of them being in that way (which we have talked about before). Than she replied by writing something like «its been a situation on my boat where someone took their own life, (dont remember exactly what else but she ended with writing this) dont do something stupid. (Dont kys) that sentence completely broke my heart cause that has never ever been a thought that has even crossed my mind, ive always loved life and i love my family, and the somehow complication w my friends has never bothered my that much. But since that message i have felt depressed and scared and my life suddenly felt so pointless. Im so mad that she is so fckin stupid and writes something fckd up like that. I hate her. And i know that its obviously becasue of what happend at her school. How the f do i get over this? Its like i suddenly dont like living anymore. How do i ever enjoy beeing alive again? Please come with something that actually can help me and not make me more depressed. Also does my ocd has any fault of me not getting over it?

I genuinely feel like such a horrible human being. I’m in this group server with 10-15 other people (including my partner) and I have a bit of a crush on one of them. I keep feeling like every time I stay up late talking on the server that I am cheating on my partner. I should note that I make a very conscious effort to NOT reply to the messages of this person on the server when we’re having a group discussion, I rarely ever address them directly, and I make sure to only ever talk to other people on there. I have replied to this person’s messages about 25-30% of the amount of times i’ve replied to other people’s messages in the server (I checked). I was also extremely active and staying up late in this server WELL BEFORE they joined it. I constantly feel like I am cheating because sometimes when we have deep discussions on the server, I feel a bit of excitement at reading their messages and getting to know more about them. But again, I have made it a HUGE POINT to rarely ever reply to their messages or to address them directly, to the point where I will never ever reply to or acknowledge a single “deep” message from them. I always make sure to only talk to other people and not engage directly in a conversation with them. However I feel like it’s still cheating because I get internally excited at reading their messages. This phenomenon has absolutely wrecked my psyche over the past few weeks. I have been having constant nonstop 24/7 anxiety, I am wrecked with guilt and regret, and I am just so insanely depressed. I’m going to bed late, barely getting any sleep, my eating habits are garbage, and my grades are dropping drastically because I’m just not doing my assignments. I’m having such a horrifically difficult time getting anything done. I just slog through every single day, doing the bare minimum, I don’t do my work, I don’t engage in fulfilling hobbies, I just kind of float there and get the bare minimum done while ruminating, constantly trying to figure out if i’m cheating. I am just constantly compulsively googling, “is limerence cheating,” “can you have a one sided affair,” “what is emotional cheating,” “is it cheating to talk to someone in a group chat,” I have googled the same exact things hundreds of times at this point and I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible. I am growing distant from my partner because i feel like I don’t deserve him and it’s really hard to enjoy time with him when I feel so guilty.

First time posting This recent election and all the news and the legislative changes have really flaired up my rocd (possibly, I’m not even sure exactly why I spun out of control recently, by the way I am a woman). My boyfriend isn’t extremely conservative but considers himself more towards the middle though he does have some more traditional values. He doesn’t hate Trump. I’m very liberal. I hate Trump, I can understand some of what he does to an extent but I’ve never liked him and I think he’s a terrible person and lately the political stuff I’m seeing is a lot: These past few weeks have been worse and days ago I tried to call him and tell him I wanted to talk about going on a break but instantly regretted it. I’m working on it with my therapist and I do think my bf could be more supportive of my emotions through this time but he just doesn’t get how this is as stressful to me as it is. Anyway my mind bounces from one thing to another all. The. Time. And I need to do something about it, I need to figure it out. It’s always about him something about him and I love him very much and he treats me so well and loves me, but I constantly analyze my relationship and him in general, I’m worried my cpstd exacerbates this more and makes it worse. I don’t use TikTok ever anymore bc of hiw political my feed is (I’m passionate about human rights,the lgbt, I guess things really viewed these days as left-leaning, he isn’t as into it as I am) Everytime I open TikTok I feel like I need to break up with my bf because he’s a fascist,sexist, etc. is what the videos tell me and make me think bc of how high political tensions are right now . a lot of the posts are talking about how sad they are that their guy doesn’t get them and the comments are like you need to dump him which makes me even more worried. Or they’re super black and white and extreme and then I get stuck. I hate black and white thinking and this online culture, I’m really freaked out. I’m planning on starting ERP soon as I can. I’ve had ocd since I was a child but wasn’t diagnosed till this year (21) and my biggest theme has been rocd the past 3 years since I met him. I didn’t know what was happening to me till I learned I had ocd. It feels so urgent and so scary and even if it’s something that isn’t actually happening or wouldn’t have a possibility of happening for many years (ex. Us arguing over reading a book about a dad accepting his son who likes traditionally girly things, and then this makes me think I need to break up with him to stop the possibility of this happening.) I hate the way ocd works. This isn’t the only thing my ocd makes me do and it’s not the only theme but it sure is the worst and most stressful to me right now. Any advice in the moment for when things become too much to handle? I’ll take anything. I wish my brain had more nuance, this is why I don’t use TikTok anymore. Too triggering. I didn’t use it until today, Today’s the first ok day I’ve had in weeks so thank god I didn’t open TikTok like 3 days ago.

So whenever I think of this one guy doing sexual things to me, I literally get a warmth feeling and lubrication down there. But when I think of my boyfriend in that way, I don’t get the same response down there. What’s wrong with me? I feel like I’m gonna act on these thoughts and that I want them to happen.

Back in October 13, 2017 which was a Friday to add I had an intrusive thought that I became obsessed with. I kept asking myself am I thinking about, if I am thinking about it so much then it must be true and I have to do the compulsion. Eventually I started taking medication and going to therapy to feel better and it worked, but I have a weird thing with the number 13 or even 31 because reverse that and that's 13 again. This has affected by love life with the amount of people I have been with, my thoughts tell me to be with someone else so it can be an even number. I do not want to do the compulsion because that means I would have to leave my current boyfriend who I love deeply. But I am scared as what if it is the only cure for my thought to go away and what if I am going crazy. I told a previous psychiatrist about the thought and they said they have never heard of that before which made me feel like more of a nut case. Also, my previous therapist got frustrated with me because I was not getting better. Makes me feel like a lost cause.

I do so much for people, I always have people in mind. My boyfriend has to keep his ex in his life because they were friends before...even though their relationship ended toxic. My first date with my new bf that I worked hard planing for weeks...his ex blew up his phone and ruined the date alllllll day long My Apt was broken into and really really important stuff was stolen and I had no time to react...before I had to be an adult and go bout life and I mean like hrs. No one showed me pitty and one girl said ah...boo... Same girl leaves her phone at someone's house and gets upset and babies...it was 8 mins away. Then I have a miscarriage and I don't get to process that I have to go straight to being away for the weekend...I'm destroyed....and can't function and just ask for extra easy from people....nothing Same girl had a pregnancy scare.....and got anxious and threw up....so she got princess treatment from people..I'm like.....fucking how... I cook for people and then they don't think to wait for me. I make people items and give trinkets....I never am thought of. I say hey let's wait for so and so....and no one waits for me. I feel so upset and alone. I feel so forgotten. And then when bad things happen everyone gets defended....till it comes to me then it's my fault and deal with it what do you want me to about it... I just want to know what it's like to be thought of.. or defended. I'm so tired. And I feel I'm getting bitter.

My mind just starts racing with thoughts all day. I overthink aswell so I just tend to sit in the thoughts and can’t escape. I mostly have thoughts that tell me I don’t like the things I do like snowboarding or backpacking or if I even if I love my girlfriend. Deep down I know I do but then I start getting worried that the more I think these things the more they come true. Then I have tons and tons of more thoughts throughout the day and it just feels like I’m constantly having anxiety and constantly battling my brain over things that don’t even make sense. I’m only 17 and this is extremely hard and I feel like I’m wasting these teenage years. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’ve picked up reading my bible and praying more but the thoughts persist please help.

okay so i have had hocd for almost my whole life to a point where i have acted on urges. every time i would be disgusted and anxious because i know that’s not me. does anyone have any similar experiences or tips? i love my boyfriend now and rocd and hocd just came back with MOUNDS of evidence. it’s heartbreaking. all i want to do is marry my boyfriend and not have these fears!

Hi! For context: I was diagnosed with OCD late last October, I’ve had it for my entire life. At the same time I started Sertraline medication. I’m turning 22 this year, I’m finally with my long distance partner again and we are starting a new chapter. So safe to say going through a lot of changes, my family and friends are across the world from me. I’ve had so many good things happen to me after my OCD diagnosis (I’ve gone through a lot of trauma so I’m not used to good things happening to me like this) and I’m not used to feeling good. I’m constantly worried that something bad will happen and I cant stop worrying about it, even though there is no use.. Current world events are on my mind as well though I’ve decided to limit my news intake for now and focus on myself. I’m going through so many big changes right now, my body is getting used to my medication and my frontal lobe is developing so my hormones are just crazy (and I also suffer from PMDD before my periods). I just feel so different every single day and at times it feels like I dont know who I am anymore and it’s extremely strange and my ocd tries to cling onto that and tell me that something is wrong or something is about to go wrong. Does anyone have a similar experience? I feel like I’m completely alone in this

Sometimes I had some relationship OCD and then I didn’t qualify for contamination OCD however I know in relationships partners like to be close and drink out of each others cup. My partner was thirsty and getting very hot and he asked for my drink and I gave it to him he felt better and I am so beyound happy he did! I feel a lot of shame admitting this, he told me I could have my drink back and I said thank you! 😊 He noticed I didn’t drink it because in my mind it says it is contaminated and I felt extremely bad that he noticed so I got a piece of gum to distracte us I then had to spit out the gum because it wasn’t a good flavor then my brain told me well… ( Ms.OCD) said if I don’t drink it it will hurt his feelings and then that means I don’t like him and then I drink it then I spiraled from there lol 😂 I am so sorry it wasn’t a weird funny story I was wondering if anyone else can relate? I was wondering if there is any advice I can please have? Thank you so much!! Please write down something in the comments if you are struggling because I want to help you all as well!! Thank you!!

Does anyone else experience ocd around the topic of non monogamy and hookup culture and stuff? Im not hating people who are into these things, intact I thinks it great that people have ways of experiencing relationships how they want to and I will always support and advocate for that, but non monogamy and hookup culture is not for me. However because its not for me and I really don't want to partake in any of these things by brain keeps telling me things like: 1. Monogamy is toxic and fake and polyamory is the only real way to have relationships 2. I secretly want non monogamy and casual relationship 3. I'm experiencing these feelings because im a bigot 4. Everyone's involved in non monogamy in some for these days even if its things like open relationships, threesomes etc so monogamy will become rare and you will never have a relationship Those are just some of the thoughts but I have many more. Like I said I'm supportive of people who engage in those things, but I don't want it and I feel as though I can't justify my reasons why I don't want it and that I'm a fake or a bigot. I'm constantly googling "benefits of monogamy" "why monogamy is better" etc to justify to myself why I want what i want. My googling is so obsessive though and I'm up all night doing it and watching videos and things. I can't sleep because of my worries. Everytime I see anything, anywhere relating to non monogamy wheather that be open relationships, polyamory, threesomes etc I feel so sick In my stomach, my anxiety sky rockets and I just want to cry, it's how I am with seeing gay relationship and things with my sexual orientation ocd. (I feel the same when I things about hookups and stuff too). It's like a voice in my head is going "see it's working for these people, you actually want it, your lying if you don't". I have thousands of screenshots of articles and posts that's reassure me about my wants but my ocd always makes be doubt myself. I need some advice on how to deal with it, because im at breaking point and feel like a horrible person. I also want to know if anyone else is dealing with what I'm going through.

I am recently 30 and just went through a very painful breakup after a pregnancy loss. I am horribly obsessing over the fact that my chance of having a family is over. I think about how long it’ll take me to heal, meet someone, have a relationship, and then start a family… I think I’ll be too old. I already feel too old. I think about how my chance of the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted is completely gone. What if the lost pregnancy was a sign that I’ll never have kids. What if I will never be able to feel the same way. All of the firsts are gone. I’ll never experience those things again. What if my future partner resents me for having those firsts already. All of my friends have kids and I already feel like I’m behind. I feel guilty that my grandmother won’t get to see her grandkid have a family, I feel guilty that if I do have kids in the future that I’ll end up being an old mom and not be able to keep up. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wasn’t thinking about how I’m failing everyone bc of the relationship that ended. I lost a huge part of me and that ended my relationship so what if I have another loss and end up with another partner that can’t look at me the same. Is there anyone that can help me see light after going through all of this? Positive words from moms that had kids after 30? I don’t know.

Hi everyone :) I'm fighting with false memory/real event ocd right now and I just need somebody to be completely honest with me. Last year i met a new colleague and she's gorgeous. I was feeling a little self conscious about my looks but it wasn't like I couldn't stand her or anything. I tend to always compare my bf to other boyfriends and when she showed me her bf I THINK (i'm not sure) my head went "oh oh what if he's better looking. What if you'd rather have a bf like him than yours? " but also statements and not only "What ifs". I remember liking talking to her because she's a very good listener but she told me that she knew her now boyfriend while she was with her ex still and they met each other again through friends and she broke up with her ex back then because he was kind of toxic. This was a huge trigger for me too. And she's like 4 years younger than me, you could tell by the way she was acting and no offense but i was just not fully vibing with her. Now my head keeps telling me that I didn't want to stay in contact with her because I thought that her bf is better looking than my bf I have to hide my bf WHICH DOESNT MAKE SENSE I LITERALLY SHOWED HER PICTURES OF MY BF. I love my boyfriend so much it make me sick to my stomach to even think about this being true. Am I an as*hole?

My SOOCD has been pretty loud lately and the fact that everytime I go out with mu friends I feel like I cant relate to their stories but everytime I go on reddit (I know it a compulsion) and read the responds to "how did you know you were a lesbian" and feel like I cant relate doesnt help at all. I was doing really well and even tho the thoughts were there I was happy with my bf. The onlu thing that bothered me is that I felt like I wouldnt be mad if he broke up with me were as if I imagine it with a women I feel like mu heart would be broken and that I would finally understadn what my friends go through... so yeah that's a pretty big thing because I know that a lot of therapist (and lesbian) say that if you can move on easily from someone its that you never loved them. And honeslty I have a pretty anxious attachment style so usually I would have to be more heartbroken than other if that were to happen with me and I would have to be scared and jealous during my relationship, which I am not. and I know its healther that way but is it real? Im soo lost, Im shaking I just wanna cry and im sure that sociatal pressure and the fact that I do not have a lot of queer friends are making this even harder. I just dont want to realise in 20 years that all of this was fake and right now it feels like it is and im just convincing myself to stay. Also ive been on birth control for 10+ years and I heard that a lot of women who stopped it started geing with women and did not feel any attraction whatsoever to men. And it also feels like if I were to ever try woth women I would never go back to men. and that its only fear thats stopping me... Idk if its soocd or not but it doesnt feel like it. I know Im all over the place but if anyone relates or could give some advice it would be great thank you!

i want to mention first i have rocd (i think) for over a year and i obsess very severely over the faft that i live mg bf or not. i realised that i find him annoying and cringe sometimes and thats just his humor. i used to not have a problem either that. I have moments when i lought with him because of him, but sometimes, especially when i feel anxiety every thing he says and does is cringe and annoying to me. For example in the mornings he is a little “funny” and says random stuff and bacause he has vacation rn he woke up later then me, he usually wakes up later then me, and i had a thought that i dont want him to wake up bc he is hoinv to annoy me. im scared i dont like him and i dont apreciate who he is. why foni like him? i dont even know.. we make 2 yrs in april. i hate how i feel. i feel so bad.. what if he is not for me. i feel bad. these thoughts feel real, im scared i just dint want to accept the truth, i dont know if this post is a compulsion bc i want a reaponse from someone but i feel siper bad

Medication for OCD? Hello all, 19 male here, this seems like a cool community that isn’t nearly as triggering as reddit. I have pretty severe bouts of existential thinking or fear of going crazy ( psychosis ) after some pretty heavy mushroom trips a few years ago, I know logically I should be fine but I do know what it’s like to lose it and it’s scary. Currently I deal with relationship focused OCD, it’s all day from before I even open my eyes. I want things to work out with my girlfriend badly. Also I can come close to a panic attack sometimes which perpetuates everything. Anyway, I mention the fear of going crazy because the way my anxiety/derealization makes me feel is that I’m not mentally stable cause I feel out of it or unreal. I saw that a lot of anxiety and depression medication can cause psychosis and I feel like I could use some help in getting ahead of my OCD because the compulsions are had not to give into when I’m in such distress/not knowing. Plus overall I just feel like I have no idea how I feel about close to anything. Anyone relate about that ?