Welcome to
the NOCD Community

The 13th of January was when I first started experiencing Rocd. I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend for 9 months. Never had a doubt before. I was literally looking at wedding dresses and couldn’t be happier. I ALSO had been going cold turkey off of my lexepro for a month and a half (I’ve been on ssris since I was 6, I’m 19 now). One day it was like something had possessed me. Like I was fighting the urge to literally break up with my boyfriend. Thoughts flooded my mind. “I don’t love him” “you need to leave”. Of course, I was freaked out. This has been my longest, and ONLY healthy relationship I’ve been in. I never was able to get past the infatuation stage, since either my exes would break up with me, or I’d have to distance myself for my mental health. I love this man. And literally have grown so much since I’ve been with him. He’s been nothing but patient though out this. Which shows me even more tjay I love him. But at last, even though I’m not as anxious anymore. I still have thoughts. “What if I don’t love him” “Am I too young to know what love is, like everyone says” “what if my body is trying to tell me something”. They’re tolerable. But damn. I just want peace sometimes. Can I get any tips from people who have recovered from Rocd. Because I have committed to loving this man for the rest of my life, but I sometimes lose hope that this won’t go away

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me because I'm really hopeless?

I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ❤️

i don't think i ever felt this bad before. ive had ocd since i was 14 or so, almost a decade, but now it's truly the worst it's ever been. i can't even enjoy being with the love of my life anymore, everything about our intimacy triggers me, im costantly afraid that i abused her in some way and that she doesn't remember because she's in denial, or im always terrified im having some horrible intentions towards her and that i always end up forgetting them. it's so deeply confusing, she seems so happy being with me she says she loves me so much and i can see it in how she looks at me, but i feel like a monster. most of the time i wish she could find someone better, if she asked me j would break up with her and do anything in my power to make her have the life she deserves. i don't know what to do anymore im exhausted. therapy is not helping at all, i Just get told constantly that i shouldnt think about these things, that its illogical, and it does nothing for me.

I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking “oh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of me”? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? I’m worried I’ve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I don’t want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and I’m focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I don’t really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldn’t think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario I’d start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasn’t in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. I’m worried I’m no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I don’t feel any of that lately cuz I’m so fioefioeif I’m worried I only feel it for women. I’m bi so technically not an issue but I don’t wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why I’m so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry I’m pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done

(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

I don’t feel very obsessive. I’m not anxious at all. I know I enjoy sex with him and love him. But now idk if I wanna spend my life with him. Is that the clarity I wanted Like I know I love him but I’m unsure about our future when I used to be super sure? Idk if it’s just cuz I’m an anxious person. Is it ok to love someone and not know if you want a life with them? A life with him would be so peaceful and beautiful. It’d be all I wanted but is that a lie? I don’t think I’d regret marrying him or exploring my bisexuality more cuz I’ve had very little desire to date women. I think I’m just unsure cuz of the obvious culture and religion difference. Our anniversary is this week and I have nothing planned (except breakfast, and a gift that I haven’t finished). I know love won’t conquer everything and it’l require work from both of us. I’m worried I’m just going along with it cuz I have to or I’m stuck here not cuz I want it. Anyways: in summary, is it ok to love someone but still be unsure of wanting a future with them even tho it would be a really nice future I’d love? I really think it’s just anxiousness cuz i don’t wanna confuse my kids by praying differently than them, and celebrating christmas with my side of the family. I feel bad that I’m unsure. But I love him and god I wanna sleep in the same bed as him, wake up next to him, cook him dinner in dim light, cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I’m tearing up writing this lol. It all seems so nice. He’s so nice. He’s so gentle. I don’t feel butterflies but I feel peace but I’m unsure. My head feels weird. I don’t feel obsessive or confused today but I’m still not me. Maybe I’m getting a short break.

Codependency and lack of understanding personal boundaries is ruining my life. Can anyone else relate and offer help? I need help. I posted this in the CPTSD subreddit to I need help figuring out how to stop falling back into patterns of behavior I’ll stop for a week or two or a month but then it all comes back -I lie to my dad about stuff I need for school so I don’t run out of money Becuase I have really bad anxiety surrounding money since I don’t have a job at school (I’m working on it) -when love interests or friends don’t respond to me for long periods of time it’s hard for me to not constantly call them and text them to ask them if I did something wrong or if they hate me -I have OCD that convinces me I’m evil or have NPD so instead of improving I just accept that I’m bad and it makes it hard for me to get myself out of the shame spiral -no emotional regulation skills (I smoke multiple times a day and I drink often to sleep at night because my thoughts are so brutal) -it’s hard for me to be happy for other people due to my own perfectionistic tendencies that paralyze me and so instead of being “the best” I am actually nothing because I am too afraid to fail -I think I am special and more capable than most because of my trauma and what it has taught me. I also was born with perfect pitch and the ability to play the piano so I’ve had this pressure to “be something” forever and I don’t want to feel Like I need to do that anymore but my ego won’t let me go. How do I stop believing I have NPD or that I am evil ir a bad person for thinking I am special? I don’t know what’s wrong with me ever since I was little my mom would compare me to other kids so I think it’s hard for me to not be resentful of people who are good at the things I want to be good at since I never felt good enough. Sometimes I’ll feel okay with myself but then I’ll see someone doing the same thing as me even if they’re just as good or not as good or better it doesn’t matter I still ge this feeling inside of anxiety and jealousy and shame and doubt it makes it impossible for me to be happy for them but I want to be I am supportive to my friends and family on the outside because I don’t want do hurt anyone or make them feel how I do but I don’t know Sincerely, The black sheep scapegoat Edits: -how do I stop needing so much validation for everything I do? -how do I stop engaging in self destructive behaviors? -how do I just ask for what I want without feeling like I need to make up an excuse or lie in order for my needs to be valid? -how do I stop wanting to be better than everyone else so I am not rejected ever again? -how do I not care if I’m rejected?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, living together for a year and a half. Everything was going well, but about a month ago straight everyday, I started having these intense doubts and urges to break up. It came out of nowhere – nothing specific happened. Now I'm constantly second-guessing everything, feeling uncomfortable, and doubting my love for him. It's like I don't even know him anymore, or how we even got together in the first place. I feel like I've forgotten our entire relationship history. One day I just woke up and thought, "Wait, do I even love him?" Now I'm constantly questioning why I'm here, whether I want to do things with him or if I'd rather be alone. I even wonder if I'm just staying because it's comfortable and I don't want to deal with the hassle of leaving. It's gotten so bad that I sometimes feel like I don't know how to act around him. I even question if I ever truly loved him, even from the very beginning. And my sex drive decreased the day we moved in together and hasn't really come back. I tell him I love him, and I do care about him, but sometimes it feels like I'm lying, or like "I love you" is just a default phrase I use when I don't know what else to say. We mostly talk about games or stuff we find online now. It's like I don't know if I even want to do things with him anymore. I'm so confused and lost. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me “why are you with me if you dont like anything about me” i didn’t have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me

im always mad at my boyfriend, i feel annoyed and that i dont like him. he just asked me “why are you with me if you dont like anything about me” i didn’t have a reaction. im numb. What if i just dont want to accept that i dont like him bc im used to him and i dont want that to change , not because i love him. i think about what i like about him my mind is numb, what if i put so much expectations on this relationship thats why i gave thoughs, maybe they are real and i just dont want to accept it. help me

Any Christian’s with religion ocd and relationship ocd I feel so alone

Idk my brain is like “you’re only staying with your bf so you can suppress your feelings cuz you’re too scared to be a lesbian/trans” I just want to be a bi woman leave me and my bf alone I was so happy before. Now I feel a weird anxiety in my chest and idk if it’s good anxiety. My friends and I joked about me getting married to him one day and I didn’t feel butterflies I didn’t get all teary eyed thinking about it then I got in my head “oh god am I a lesbian? Am I trans? Do I want a white dress moment?” But I think I’m not excited cuz we aren’t there yet. And I know myself. I’m gonna be anxious as all hell, ROCD or not, about this wedding going off without a hitch cuz im a perfectionist. Part of me worries that my perfectionism is me suppressing myself I’m worried I’m forcing myself to stay. I’m worried I wanna take a break. Im worried if we do take a break everything will come true cuz I can finally “express myself” but I can express myself here. But the ocd is making it feel like im not or can’t? If that makes sense? Like im worried im not fully being myself and yeah there are definitely things I don’t talk about with him (like RUPAUL’s drag race, he’s not a fan, I kinda am). It’s not out of fear of him hating me it’s just not smtjn we talk about. Idk now im worried it’s not ocd and km actually in a restrictive relationship but im not. I don’t feel a lick of anxiety around any of this tho. What does that mean.

When my boyfriend and I are apart, it honestly feels like I've lost all feelings for him. I start questioning everything, wondering if I even love him at all. Then, when we're finally together again, the memory of those earlier doubts creeps in and completely ruins the moment. I get so caught up in overthinking and analyzing my feelings that I can't even enjoy being with him. It's like I'm constantly second-guessing myself. The worst part is, sometimes later, when we're still together, I do feel the love. But then the anxiety kicks in again! I start worrying that I'm just faking it because I had those doubts earlier in the day. It's this endless cycle of questioning, doubting, and overthinking, and it's exhausting. I'm really struggling to stay present when we're together, and it feels like this constant cycle is preventing me from truly connecting with him. We have been together for three years and we love together, and I just started feeling this way about a month ago; it’s been almost every day since. One day, I randomly thought about breaking up with him. Our relationship is healthy, especially compared to my previous toxic one, where I was anxiously attached for two and a half years. My boyfriend is very supportive of me. I have talked to him about my doubts and everything I’m experiencing, and he continues to support, care for, and help me through it all. I am very grateful for that. One aspect of my current relationship that I would like to improve is our communication, but we are both willing to work on it together. I often find that my overthinking leads me to question whether I really want to try to fix things or if I’d rather just continue as we are. This creates a constant push and pull in our relationship. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Any advice on how to break this cycle and just be present in the moment? I'd love to hear from anyone who's been through something like this.

These thought make me doubt my self so much it makes me think that the thoughts are real and it’s not my ocd I just want to be my old self I didn’t think about anything I can’t looks at the same gender because then my brain tells me I like them. But I just don’t want to lose my girlfriend I love her so much she’s the one who cures my ocd when am with her I don’t think about anything

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those secual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself allover again Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD?

Hello everyone trigger warning I have had relationship ocd probably since I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. We have a healthy relationship. But my ocd is always fixated on his flaws of being too negative, serious, taking life too seriously etc. Being miserable in my view of it sometimes. I obsess over if he is right for me or not or if in happy. At this point it's been so long it feels like I don't love him but I don't think that's true because I think I would have left by now especially with the ocd being so annoying. Anyways my neice came 1.5 years ago and I wanted a baby too. I know I wpild love motherhood albeit how stressful It could be. So we started trying. And I found out that I am pregnant yesterday and the reality kicked in. I feel so guilty trying to have a baby with someone I have doubts about. I tried to ignore these thoughts while trying to conceive but now it's so hard because it feels like I need to get an abortion or something. Idk just venting.