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Currently feeling extremely shameful for something I did in the past. Any advice? I've had periods of coming to terms with it and understanding that it was just a mistake, as no one got hurt, but now it's resurfacing again.

Ill edit the post in... What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... im so triggered...

I’m really struggling with real event ocd at the moment because I feel like no one else has done what I did so I’m the exception. I spoke about this already here but I’ve literally been crying every day I feel so hopeless at the moment I wish I could just go back to the years I spent doing this thing and stop myself because my life could have been so much different now. I hate myself so much because I cannot forgive myself. What I did isn’t morally bad it just does not align with my current identity so I really struggle with accepting myself because of my past mistakes. I wish so badly that I had a friend who went through the same thing because I feel so alone

This might be super specific, but something I struggle with is feeling the need to consistently look up things for reassurance. I feel the need to look up the same things over and over again just to make sure. Example: googling what to do in serious situations like a car crash, if someone’s having a heart attack, seizure, etc. I’m (soon to be) a healthcare professional and I feel like I know these things like the back of my hand. I feel like if I ever get to these (extremely unlikely) situations, I won’t know what to do. I feel the need to constantly reassure myself the proper protocol for situations that will probably NEVER happen. Anytime I think of this possibility, I can’t help but become trapped in a spiral of googling what to do. It’s come to a point that I’ve started noting down what to do over and over again if these situations happen. I really just want to know if anyone relates.

This one's a "what if" exposure; a way to trace the anxiety spiral and sit with the discomfort it brings, instead of trying to avoid or fix it. Here’s how it works: Start with your anxious thought: 1. “What if A happens?” Then go deeper: “Okay… if A happens, then what?” → “Then B.” 2. And again: “What if B happens?” → “Then C.” 3. Keep going (following the fear, not avoiding it) until you land on the core fear, the real root of the anxiety. It’s usually something sticky, existential, or deeply uncomfortable. 4. Once you’ve found it, stop. Now sit with it (the feeling). Notice how it shows up in your body. Where is the tension? The tightness? The urge to escape, fix, or seek reassurance? And just let it be there. Without trying to solve it. Just you, your body, and the fear; without resistance. This isn’t about fixing the fear. It’s about making room for it. It’s about learning that you can feel the fear and not let it control you.

Yesterday night I drank a bit too much and felt like I wasn’t in as much control as I’d like to have been. I took an uber with some friends home and we had a really chill driver, my friend was having a good conversation with him in the front seat and the driver seemed to be chipper and in a good mood the entire ride (which I feel like is good for me in this situation). Anyways, I woke up this morning anxious that I said something or did something bad in the uber because I remembered there was a front facing dash cam and being around video or audio recording spikes my fear of being cancelled (especially things that passively record like ring door bells or dash cams). I asked my friends if I said anything bad, the one in the front seat said not to their knowledge and the one on the back said no but I was speaking in an accent for a little bit to them quietly (which is what im worried about since it could be seen as offensive or insensitive). The front seat friend said they didn’t even hear anything and they both assure me its fine but im terrified of the dash cam having audio and the driver posting me all over social media saying something and cancelling me to people who know me/career.

I have false memory ocd and harm ocd and I’ve really lost it this time, I read an article about a girl going missing in my city and I convinced myself I had something to do with it and don’t remember cause I had 1 drink a month ago in the pub with my gf. The girl herself commented saying she wasn’t missing and I became obsessed with checking her page to make sure she was ok, I then blocked her to stop myself getting in the spiral of checking but in a moment of panic I unblocked her and I saw that she liked a video about being blocked so now I think that was in response to me. My gf told keeps telling me I did nothing wrong that night and it’s just my ocd again and I’d remember if anyhting bad happened cause I only had one drink and that girl doesn’t know me so it’s just a coincidence that she liked a video about blocking but I worry about it all day everyday, I just can’t stop checking or trying to find a way to ‘prove’ nothing happened, the more I check the worse it gets, I’ll going to lose my gf if this keeps up, I know she’s getting tired of my ocd, pls help

What if the reason I had that inappropriate dream with a man is because my 9 year old brother did something to me in real life while I was asleep and I just don’t remember?

So I have a really difficult story to share. It's about one of my kitty cats. My girlfriend and I found her in a parking garage around 6 years ago, and we initially took her in as a foster. We did everything we could to try to find her original owners before moving on to trying to get her taken in at a no-kill shelter. Nobody would take her, so she ended up becoming our cat. This probably wasn't the most wise idea considering I also have a senior cat (10-11 at the time) that had a urinary tract disease that was super sensitive to stress. I stupidly thought that we would be able to introduce them and that they might live in harmony. This was a pipe dream, and they absolutely hated each other. We continued to try. About 6 months into having her, we moved across the country and then Covid happened. We ended up having to move from our original planned apartment into a studio due to a change in roommate plans, so we had 2 cats that didn't get along in a studio. We tried to make due with what we could, and we got a pet gate to separate the bathroom/small hallway/laundry closet from the living/bedroom area. Our new kitty was living in that hallway bathroom area, which looking back was entirely too small for a cat. We didn't have room for a cat tree, but I believe I tried to do my best to let her into the main area to hang out and explore when my old man cat was sleeping. We also occasionally would take her to our building's outdoor area on a leash, but she was not a fan. Still, I know this wasn't enough. It's already bad enough, but there are a few things that made this a lot worse. First, whenever we left the apartment we had to put our young girl in the bathroom to keep her from climbing the gate and fighting our other kitty while we were away. This led to her being in that bathroom for quite a few hours at a time, which I feel insanely guilty about. It was not a large bathroom, and I would never do the same now. Second, my girlfriend and I did not do a good job at keeping a clean house. We both struggle with mental illness (my OCD was very severe at this time and I was going through a multi-year real event fixation that ate almost every waking moment. I ended up coping with a lot of weed and alcohol). So the already small area was messy a lot of the time. The third and worst part of it all is that we lived like this for around 3 years. So for about 3 years of this sweet young girl's life, she knew confinement and understimulation. I tried to spend a lot of time with her and to make sure she could explore the rest of the apartment when the old man was sleeping, but I feel I still didn't do this enough. I can't believe I let her live in such a small messy place for so long. I don't know how I even justified this. I feel like a neglectful monster. I feel so guilty for giving my senior cat priority when it came to his space. I had no idea how long he would be with us, and I've had him since I was 10 so I didn't want to completely uproot and change his lifestyle. But this came at the expense of our younger girl, and I feel it's impossible to forgive myself. I let her down. I neglected her. What I did was considered animal abuse. I know she probably should have gone to live with someone else at that point, I feel like I couldn't see just how bad things had gotten. Well we've been living in a new place for about 2 years now. Both kitties are alive and well, and we now live in a 2 bedroom (the old man lives in our room and our girl roams the kitchen/living room area). We utilize a cardboard gate to let them explore parts of each other's areas when we can. We still struggle with cleanliness, but we're working on it and we make sure she always has clean water, food, and litter. I admittedly still struggled with keeping the litterboxes clean until recently due to the sensory problems of it all, but I've been doing much better than I used to. Our young girl now enjoys laying in the windowsill and hanging out on our couches and chairs. She always greets me in the mornings with a trill, and she frequently approaches with that happy upright question mark tail. Just yesterday she was making biscuits on my stomach. She still likes to play a lot, and I really need to get better at doing that every single day (still struggling with mental health and depression, partially because my old man cat has been going through it recently). So I feel like she probably isn't too traumatized, but there's no way of knowing. She is very loving and social, but also skittish. I feel like it doesn't matter. I feel like I don't deserve to still care for her because of what I put her through. I was 20 when I got her, and that was old enough to know and do better. I'm so sad that she spent nearly half her life like that. It makes me hate myself so much. I feel like she should have been taken away from me for all of that. I feel so guilty that she is still the sweetest girl after going through all of this. I just can't believe I put this darling girl, a sentient living creature, through that hell for 3 years. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I just know that I am deeply, deeply sorry and regretful. I wish I could do it all again. I feel like it doesn't matter how hard I try now. I don't deserve her.

UPDATE: ive TRIED to reduce my posts to once per day in hopes of trying to overcome this... but right now... i genuinely feel so horrible and anxious that i need to post... (For context, in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent a n00d to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly explicitly chatted wjth a minor... i know that this is all my fault, but still...) Its making me feel like I cant remember things properly... making me think i unknowingly explicitly chatted with a minor online or being catfished by a man or kid... making me question every woman Ive ever been flirted with or explicitly chatted with... intrusive thoughts of me "explicitly cybering with a minor or a man" and of me going to jail because my worst fear of "unknowingly cybering with a minor(s), or being catfished by one" coming true... im genuinely depressed... and I feel so alone... uncertainty has brought me nothing but hell... and theres no getting out... it feels like im waiting every day for my intrusive thoughts and fears to be proven right, and ending up with me going to jail... I have never felt more alone... I just keep getting intrusive thoughts that one day, when I become famous or get my dream job, im going to get a future moment of any girl I explicitly cybered with in the past, saying... "Hey, I was a minor when we cybered and while you didnt know, im going to get you arrested or cancelled." Or that im gonna get catfished by a dude pretending to be a woman online... I assumed that the women who werent verified on there were 18+ on an explicit chat discord server i was on were adults because of the fact it was an 18+ explicit server, so i assumed everyone was an adult on there... for me, I fear the future everyday... as well as despise my past... I dont belong in this world... Im genuinely scared of the future... and this is honestly why I dont want to be famous or an influencer... Ive also been to literotica, a website dedicated to adult explicit literature... they also have a chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... This is why I dont want to be famous or widely recognized... Because not only do i fear someone will "expose" me for my POCD and my Real Events OCD, but im also scared about this entire situation... (edited)

UPDATE: ive reduced my posts to once per day in hopes of trying to overcome this... but right now... i genuinely feel so horrible and anxious that i need to post... (For context, in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent a n00d to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly explicitly chatted wjth a minor... i know that this is all my fault, but still...) Its making me feel like I cant remember things properly... making me think i unknowingly explicitly chatted with a minor online or being catfished by a man or kid... making me question every woman Ive ever been flirted with or explicitly chatted with... intrusive thoughts of me "explicitly cybering with a minor or a man" and of me going to jail because my worst fear of "unknowingly cybering with a minor(s), or being catfished by one" coming true... im genuinely depressed... and I feel so alone... uncertainty has brought me nothing but hell... and theres no getting out... it feels like im waiting every day for my intrusive thoughts and fears to be proven right, and ending up with me going to jail... I have never felt more alone... I just keep getting intrusive thoughts that one day, when I become famous or get my dream job, im going to get a future moment of any girl I explicitly cybered with in the past, saying... "Hey, I was a minor when we cybered and while you didnt know, im going to get you arrested or cancelled." Or that im gonna get catfished by a dude pretending to be a woman online... Im genuinely scared of the future... and this is honestly why I dont want to be famous or an influencer... Because not only do i fear someone will "expose" me for my POCD and my Real Events OCD, but im also scared about this entire situation...

I’ve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. I’ve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to “challenge” stuff mentally or verbally, like if I don’t say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. It’s like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like “what was she wearing”even though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see “both sides,” and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devil’s advocate thoughts. It feels so real. It’s like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that there’s some justification for the harm, and I don’t like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. I’ll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a “habit”for as long as I can remember but now it’s happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like I’m siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I don’t know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I don’t know how to change this. It’s been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.

TikTok makes me question if I’m a bad person every day Every time a story goes viral—like the Uber Eats woman lying about her delivery at the hillside hospital—I spiral. I know what she did was very wrong, but the way people drag it out and make wild assumptions (“she probably lies at work too!”) feels extreme. I’ve never lied about missing food, but I have gotten refunds for bad orders in hard times. Now I’m panicking that maybe I’m just as bad, even though I wasn’t trying to scam. My OCD latches onto stuff like this and won’t let go. I just wish people understood how damaging these mob reactions can be. And honestly, why don’t these apps do proper investigations before punishing drivers or customers? Not everything is black and white. Idk maybe it’s just me but things can be handled without trying to go viral on tik tok.

my real event is so bad today. has anyone got any support. i’m in therapy, ive been on meds, but yet i can’t stop feeling guilty for what i did when i was 11-13. the fact that i cannot remember exactly what age or exactly what happened, how many times or anything, im 20 now, and it makes it worse im trying not to ruminate but im constantly trying to figure everything out. i get these intrusive thoughts that tell me if i was 13 then it’s worse, or that i don’t deserve a good life. but i can’t remember and the guilt consumes me. i remember what i did. just nothing else about it and it honestly is eating me alive.

Hi NOCD community, I wanted to share my story of my journey so far with OCD to provide perspective to anyone who needs it. I can't believe how far I have come with a huge part because of my NOCD treatment and utilizing ERP. For reference I am a 24-year old male, so for anyone who is like me and on the fence with treatment, trust me it is worth it. If you ever want to talk about OCD and are not sure where to start or need guidance please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am now almost 2-years into treatment and working on recovery to this day. Sending my support to all. My OCD Story Adolescence Growing up, I didn’t know what mental health was—or even much about who I was. I was somewhat consciously aware, but something always felt off. My life seemed surrounded by reacting to fear instead of exploring or discovering like a regular kid. It felt like there was a switch in my brain that never let me settle in. My earliest compulsions were more physical than mental. One example that likely went unnoticed was how I would obsessively organize and align my toys in a certain way. It may have seemed like I was just being finicky, but now I recognize this as an early sign of OCD. The key is understanding that anything can become a compulsion—it’s not about what you do, but why you do it. In my case, it was always to avoid a bad outcome or neutralize a feeling. Another moment that stands out was in preschool during a performance. I was reciting something I can’t remember in front of an audience—a common childhood fear—but the way I coped was by repeatedly hitting myself in the head with my fist. I wasn’t aware I was doing it, but it calmed me, even though inflicting pain had no logical connection to the fear itself. Looking back, this was clearly a physical tic. My dreams were disturbing too. I’d experience that terrifying space between sleep and consciousness. My parents once had to put my limbs in ice just to fully wake me. And even the process of going to sleep became ritualistic. I had to jump into bed using my left foot, pray a specific way (including naming everyone I didn’t want to be affected by harm), rotate clockwise, shake my pillow four times, and do various actions around my room—cleaning, checking the door, and more. All to prevent the visions in my mind from becoming real. Teenage Years Though my childhood was tough, things really escalated in high school. My family life was chaotic—divorce, shifting homes, and being the older sibling trying to hold it together. I was smart and creative, and I found joy in creative writing, fantasy books, cartoons, video production, and drawing. But the storm really hit freshman year of high school. I was bullied relentlessly—for being shorter, having low self-esteem, and dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness. One night while trying to fall asleep, I noticed my heart beating fast. I panicked, convinced something was wrong. My dad said it was heartburn and gave me soda (caffeine), which only made things worse. I slept maybe an hour, and we went to the ER the next morning. After a full workup and an EKG, the doctor concluded I was physically fine and gave me anti-anxiety medication. But that wasn’t the end. I had more episodes. I became obsessed with the idea that something was wrong with my body. I had blood drawn thinking I had a thyroid issue. I panicked at doctor’s visits, which spiked my blood pressure, fueling more health fears. I was also in an advanced biology class, learning about diseases and cancers—which triggered me to the point I felt like I was going to pass out. Motion sickness and vertigo became a daily fear, and I became terrified it would never go away. That became a core theme in my health-related OCD and deeply affected my quality of life. It was also during this time I developed HOCD (Homosexual OCD). Intrusive thoughts about my male friends consumed me. I couldn’t relax around them or enjoy hanging out. I compulsively told myself I was straight, watched porn to “test” my reaction, and mentally analyzed everything I thought or felt. It was exhausting. It chipped away at my confidence, especially with women, though I know other external factors played a role in that too. Still, I had no education around mental health and assumed this chaos in my mind was normal—or that anyone seeking help had to be “crazy.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. Adulthood Despite all that, I managed to graduate high school with good marks—even finishing at a new school I attended for just eight weeks after moving in with my mom. College was a major turning point. For the first time, I experienced independence and the ability to sit with my thoughts. I still didn’t know what I was dealing with, but being away from a broken home and forging my own identity was incredibly freeing. Freshman year felt like a fresh start…until the pandemic hit. Like many others, I was forced to return home. For someone with OCD, the sudden lack of control and isolation was devastating. I was trapped in my room, stuck in my head, with nothing but virtual classes and uncertainty. Still, I eventually got back to campus, focused on my career in the sports and entertainment industry, and was accepted into a prestigious program while working multiple internships and completing challenging coursework. But with roommates and stress came new obsessions—and still, no diagnosis. I eventually sought therapy for anxiety, realizing my mental state was unsustainable. That’s when two of my most distressing OCD subtypes emerged: Staring OCD and POCD. They worked together in the worst way—fears of inappropriately staring at people, especially children. It felt like I couldn’t exist in public without fearing I’d harm someone just by looking at them. It shattered my self-worth. I couldn’t enjoy life, couldn’t even look in the mirror. The guilt and shame consumed me. I turned to talk therapy, where I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. While sessions brought momentary relief, it quickly became clear I wasn’t getting better. In fact, the act of confessing my thoughts—seeking reassurance—was fueling the OCD. Still, I didn’t have the language for it. After doing my own research (a compulsion in itself), I discovered POCD and Staring OCD. For the first time, I read stories that sounded exactly like mine. I brought this to my therapist, but they dismissed it. Unfortunately, OCD is still widely misunderstood—even among professionals. Because I didn’t fit the “cleaning and checking” stereotype, I wasn’t taken seriously. In 2023—just two years ago—I found NOCD, a teletherapy platform specializing in OCD. I scheduled a free consultation, thinking “Why not?” I was miserable and desperate for relief. The therapist who evaluated me confirmed: I had OCD. She administered the DSM-5 criteria and said I was a textbook case. This was the turning point. Through NOCD, I finally received proper treatment with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). I learned how OCD functions, how to track and reduce compulsions, and how to sit with discomfort instead of running from it. It took time—5 to 6 months before I noticed true change—but for the first time in my life, I felt heard. I wasn't alone. NOCD gave me a judgment-free space to unpack the most disturbing thoughts and to not be defined by them. I won’t sugarcoat it—this journey has been painful, frustrating, and nonlinear. I still live with OCD every day. But now I have tools. I’ve continued treatment with multiple NOCD therapists, joined support groups, and practiced exposures: scripting, imaginal scenarios, response prevention, you name it. I’ve learned to live with uncertainty instead of trying to solve the unsolvable. The biggest lesson? Stop trying to figure it out. OCD is emotional, not logical. The moment I stopped trying to outthink it and changed my relationship with it, everything shifted. Today, I’m not “cured,” but I’m grounded. I’m more myself than I’ve ever been. And now, I want to give back. I want to share my story so others know that they’re not alone—and that OCD doesn’t have to rule your life. Whether you're 14, 24, or 44—there is help, and there is hope.

This is my first week back to work after being off for 6 months to grapple with my OCD as it became extremely debilitating. I made mistakes when my OCD returned and self medicated with alcohol. Partly due to the OCD but also due to severe back pain from working the California fires in January. Long story short I was pulled over and arrested for DUI and although I was a low BAC it was still enough to be taken in and since then I have hired a lawyer to handle it as I dealt with my OCD treatment. I also returned to work and at which point they had been aware of the dui due to a license information pull by the dmv. Even though I have already had the DMV side dismissed as it was proven I wasn’t over the limit while driving, I am still trying to beat the court side. Either way I am now dealing with a ton of fallout at work for this even if I’m proven to be innocent. It has really put me into a dark place and it makes me fantasize about ending it. I know that, that isn’t the way and that’s not the way to win at this. I’m really digging in to sitting with the uncomfortable and what ifs and trying not to solve for problems that have not happened yet.

I keep having these extreme moods of anger and then with harm ocd coming in, everything just feels super real like the urges and thoughts and feelings and everything. I keep asking Gemini but I know it’s probably only telling me I’m not a narcissistic psychopath or have aspd or I’m a k/ller just hiding or that I know deep down under all this worry that it’s true and I’m just in denial and my ocd was actually just me denying it. Today it’s about this specific time at a restaurant with my family and it might be too long for this post. if anyone sees this and is willing to listen to the story that’d be great.

Is it normal that my brain is now focussing on real event or something about morality and cancel culture, and not anymore about POCD? It's like a sneaky trying to find something other that scares me. I am now week 4 of 200mg sertraline and I still feel that my system is very in alarm mode but the thoughts are not repetitive anymore.

Hi all. Unfortunately I have relapsed with what I believe is POCD/ REOCD again. Im 33 going on 34 (m) and from the ages of around 23 to 26/27 had terrible OCD / shame and guilt from a mistake made in early teenage years ( Im going to say 11/12 ). It was truly the greatest struggle to make it through those years. From ages 27/28 to ~ 6 weeks ago my OCD was I would say 99% under control with the help of 150mg sertraline which was fantastic and allowed me to live as normally as I could have hoped for. A real event from almost 10 years ago randomly popped up in my mind , and the past 6 weeks have been truly awful with very little headspace for rational thought and certainly no good mood. A few panic attacks thrown in and an inability to hold my job down makes this seem like an impossible challenge to overcome. My mind is telling me its only a matter of time before police show to my door and Ill be socially berated. Ive become a bit paranoid and really do not feel worthy/ able for living a happy life going forward. Previously, on the earlier theme I had confessed to a parent not knowing it would be damaging in the long run and to be honest I dont know what helped to recover. Maybe I could have recovered sooner had I known it was definently OCD I was dealing with and effective treatment options. In the end I think I adopted a " so what" and "it is what it is" attitude after so much internal anguish which helped. With this theme, once again my mind tells me its not OCD and I am just feeling huge amounts of guilt for past actions which may never leave me. I do feel Im looking at this event in a very black and white manner however my mind wont allow anything else. Ive had days where I could function while being able to tell myself " if the worst case scenario happens, it happens " but Ive also had days where my mind tells me I wont survive another week of this guilt, let alone deal with the real life cosequences. I have no experience of ERP but I do intend to look into it. What makes me think it may be worthwhile is that last week while at work I came across an event on social media where someone went to jail for something "similar" ( my mind tells me my actions were worse ) and I just sat with the fear and anxiety which was awful in the moment - however I got some moments of positivy and become almost "carefree" that evening as the bad feelings came and went without giving in to compulsions ( main ones are googling and mental review/ re reading texts ) Of course they came back a day later . I guess Im just showing my face here so to speak, and letting you all know that there are others in the same fight, and that youre not alone. I appreciate all input. J Ps if anyone has had previous success on increasing sertraline from 150mg upward please let me know. I do feel I need a higher dose/ something more effective for this episode as I am not getting much relief from my thoughts. I have heard from some sertraline is more useful at higher doses ( 300/400 mg ) for OCD??? Any thoughts? Thank you

The things my brain convinces me of are so horrible idk how im going to get through this this time. I feel like I tell my self all the obsessions this episode u don’t even know or you definitely didn’t do but then I just start ruminating on simply the idea of them existing for me to worry abt being enough to keep me in the episode and I can’t even remember them all which doesn’t make sense how I would just forget but ocd makes it make sense yk. Sometimes they feel so real and there is nothing I can do to know and I just want to be happy so bad ik my core values and how I actually feel but it’s just a dark lonely terrifying cloud raining on me all day and night long.