Welcome to
the NOCD Community

i really need someone to help and just to clarify this happned when i was under the age of 7

I recently discovered that I have maladaptive daydreaming disorder which is common for people who have OCD. I was diagnosed with Pure OCD six years ago but I felt that there was something different about my condition. My compulsions were daydreams and fantasizing about changing past events. I would do this on a loop and this behavior could last for hours. Has anyone else discovered this about themselves?

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

My husband thinks he knows so much about OCD, like he’s an expert or something. I really struggle with confessing things with OCD, but any time I go to talk to my husband about something that actually happened and is not just a false memory, he doesn’t let me talk to him about it, but I just need him to know what happened. Of course, I know that I am probably blowing the thing that happened out of proportion, but how do I navigate this? He won’t let me talk to him about anything related to OCD really because he thinks I’m constantly “confessing” things to him.

Is it worth it even if you’re event or false memory and what if thoughts are truly horrible? I’m scared to go through recovery and then later be faced with the truth and that truth is the worst possible outcome that I had been fearing. I can’t imagine feeling “recovered” and then sometime in the future turns out I AM a monster.

I have a list of people I’ve “raped” or atleast think I’ve raped and it includes children back from when I was a childcare teacher and it’s killing me, i have these memories of these things happening and these flashbacks of maybe me hurting someone and I can’t tell what’s real and what my brain is making up. It physically hurts me to think I might’ve done these things and I can’t live with myself

Hi everyone,this is my first time here(Female),I was kind of skeptical at the beginning,this post will probably be long and I apologize for it,I’ll try to cut the chase as much as I can, So since I was 9 I had OCD,my first intrusive thought was about harming my self and it was extremely traumatizing for a child of that age,not to mention I went trough some other kind of traumas like the fact that I was sexually molested as a kid various times by the same person and really never talked about until i became an adult I kinda got a bit over it,of course with out realizing that it would become one of triggers with ocd and one of my biggest fears of becoming one (Pedo) along with Harm OCD,I started struggling with POCD 6 years ago,it has been a struggle like no other,I have a niece who I would avoid left and right,I also have nephew and I would also avoid him but for some reason it was mainly my niece for some reason,my toughts would get the best of me for days that turn into months and months into years that I would eventually do something totally inappropriate to harm her,at some point that toughts went away and I would feel great being around her and my other nephews,last year I started going trough some other kind of stuff in my life which made fall into deep drinking and smoking weed,this year i unfortunately had a very bad episode as an a couple of months now,where I was in a very dark place with my self and I was totally intoxicated from both substances,that night my niece spend the night at my house,I was super scared because my toughts triggered at 100 + times! It was the craziest trip ever in my life! I didn’t even wanted to enter my room knowing she was there and that I could totally do something inappropriate to her or that could harm her and more because my toughts wouldn’t stop triggering me telling me”do it! You know you want to do a compulsion on her,eventually your gonna do it one day” All kind of nasty scary intrusive thoughts crossed my mind,at one point I could tell the difference of an event that I would consider a hallucination,and I got into bed totally freaked out about it because at that point my mind cannot tell the difference of if I did or not acted on the thought,I can’t really recall much of that night I only somewhat remember getting up from bed(if it was even real) and getting close to her,that’s where my mind turn blank,I don’t know if it was because I went to shock,either my memory suppressed or in reality nothing happened,I totally blacked out and only remember bit to pieces and one of those was when she worked up totally freaked out! Asking for my sister and I told her she wasent here and she just went back to bed,that made me freaked out even more thinking “did I do something to her and can’t recall that moment cause I’m blacking out ?!” And then my next thought was”omg I did do something to her!” All that night I remember going to bed with an extreme anxiety,Hangxiety and extreme paranoia,I was in sweat and all night just thinking “she’s gonna say I did something to her,if I did something to her she’s totally going to say it!” Next morning she woke up just fine like nothing when I’m the one suffering in guilt and disgusted of my self and extreme fear to the point I been wanting to harm my own self because I can’t bare with the idea that I did something to her! I had to vent to a couple of family member and a few of my friends,everyone keeps telling me that out of logic if I “would’ve acted on the tought” she would’ve felt something or woke up but I’m not convinced at all by that,what if she was deep asleep and didn’t feel anything,what if I did do something and I just don’t want to accept it!? My worst fear has become my nightmare alive! Please help ! Has anyone experience this of any kind,I don’t judge I just want to be helped

Would either of count as warning signs of abuse (to clarify -my partner has never called me a bad name, raised his voice at me, controlled what i do, or hurt me in anyway) There are three instances that come to mind that I can't stop playing over and over in my head. I almost think I'm distorted the memories the more i replay it but I'm terrified of unknown abusive relationship Once we were at a restaurant and I was in someone's way and he told me to get out the way but I didn't hear him so he grabbed my forearm to move me - I said don't do that and he apologized One time I was jumping all over him in the elevator of my building and trying to spice up the mood so I pressed up against him. The elevator doors were about to open and he said babe stop and then as they opened he pushed me off of him. He told me he was scared there was going to be people there which was understandable and he did tell me to stop. We were just playing around but what If i'm making excuses for him. He told me he doesn't like the new capri pants I bought. He never has said I can't wear them he says they just arent his style and has never controlled what I wear. I will even say would you care if I wear this to test him and he always responds "you can do what you want" I love my partner so desperately and want to stay with him but what if these are early warning signs of abuse. I can't stop replaying these three memories in my head to make sure i'm not in an abusive relationship and feel crazy. I can barley be around my partner or work because I'm being haunted that I'm somehow in an abusive relationship I need to leave. I know if i said this stuff to him he would be shocked and saddened.

Anyone out there who fears legal punishment due to real event false memory that actually sought help? How do you look for help if you feel you don’t deserve it? I think I’m going to make an appointment but this is what’s stopping me.

How is one supposed to be okay with uncertainty? I don’t think I ever will be. Uncertainty on wether I am a monster, or if I’ll go to jail, or that my family and all of society will shun me and be disgusted with me. I have a real event with false memory and the number one think I find myself saying is I don’t know. I don’t know if I did or didn’t do that I don’t know if my memory is accurate or not I just don’t know. The guilt I wake up with everyday is suffocating and I don’t even know if it’s deserved or not. I don’t know what to do anymore I fear death is the only way out. I hate that I feel sorry for myself I don’t deserve anything at all.

About eight years ago now someone started impersonating me and posting sexually explicit messages on Craigslist using my phone number, instructing people to call or message me with a code phrase that included a comment about my vagina. He also opened an email in the format firstname.lastname@domain.com and messaged a bunch of casting directors and agents with photos pulled from my Facebook page and suggesting that I would do sexual favors for an opportunity. As an example, one photo was me in the booth doing voiceover and the text underneath was “Wait til you see what else I can do with my mouth…” The only reason I was able to get my Actors Access account back was one of the admin noticed that the explicit email’s address didn’t match what was registered in my account. I remember she just said “Poor girl” before we hung up as this was obviously something that was just… going to happen I guess. He also sent handwritten letters to prisoners —mostly convicted for violent crimes—which included more photos pulled from my Facebook account. I’m in the process of looking for other career opportunities, and one person I was in communication with hasn’t reached out in a couple weeks, which is a little concerning as he was pretty quick to get back to me before, but also a little par for the course in the entertainment industry. And I think I know who the impersonator was and he seemed to only operate using info he had: photos from social media bc we were online friends, my address bc he had come over before, my phone number of course because we would text. And he’s blocked everywhere and I’ve moved and we haven’t spoken in years but every time I don’t get the job or I don’t get a call back or whatever that sticky thought just won’t leave and it makes me so anxious about persuing better opportunities and it’s so unfair how much that experience can still effect me and I can’t stop thinking about and I know that I’ve done all that I’ve done and I’m continuing to stay vigilant, but it’s this thing where I *have* to know whether or not it’s him in the background pulling the strings. How do I live with this fear and keep going?

If anyone wants to talk, or put together a support group with a bunch of us so that we can chat and be there to support each other that would be great for me! I have been having a really hard time with HOCD recently accompanied by False Memory and Real Event OCD, and I don’t really have anyone who understands or can agree with me on this. Not for reassurance purposes but just for peer support! Would be helpful!

My OCD is at its worst when I drive. I have been struggling with it really bad this week and it’s so disheartening cause I have to drive to work and try to keep it together when I’m screaming inside. I have been in accidents that were my fault and I have been told my whole life that I am a terrible driver. Ever since my last accident 2 years ago I have been terrified every time I hit a bump in the road that I hit something. I keep looking in my rear view mirror. I live in an area with narrow streets, I’m terrified I’m going to hit a mirror or something. On the way to work today I was shaking the whole drive over. I try to drive really slow but I feel like it’s making it worse. I want to stop driving completely and not get my car fixed it’s so bad. I have struggled with ocd about other things but this one has been the hardest to shake. I’m crying in the bathroom cause I discovered a new scratch on the car and I’m racking my brain trying to figure out when it happened. I want to just let it go but it’s sooo hard.

Just feels like i can never win in life... I dont ever have a special talent that makes me stand out from anyone... I cant win at games, nor ever have a victorious moment based on my skill instead of luck... i just lose and lose and lose... from having OCD based on real events, to my OCD gaslighting me into thinking my fears are true, to just never being able to ever win in life once in my life... i have no one in my college who understands... let alone anyone who cares... Maybe I deserve this because Ive done bad things in life... maybe I deserve this because of my childhood mistakes... who knows... Im just in a state of giving up on ever being happy because I genuinely feel like nothing works out for me, either by my own stupidity or just life being a bitch...

i don’t know if this could be my ocd playing into it but recently my dad just turned 60 and for the past 3 days i’ve been thinking about how my parents aren’t gonna be around forever and it’s making really anxious and sad, i keep questioning how long i’ll have left with him and looking up if 60 is an old age. Has anyone else gone through this ?

literally feel like i can’t live anymore. everything i was ever excited about or looking forward to in the future seems like it’s shattered. I feel like i must be lying to myself and i must want this and OCD is bringing in false memories AND combining with real event. this is one of the worst flare ups of any sort of OCD i have ever had. literally cannot get through a day without ruminating, bringing up scenarios and checking how i feel. feeling guilty because i am anxious about what if im just a homophobe? this is absolutely terrible, i can’t day dream or think about having a relationship without it immediately being shattered by an intrusive thought image or feeling. just don’t want to live anymore honestly.

I was ok and then did some erp with puff daddy story and it triggered me so much. It’s been on my mind all week

I just had a long talk with myself about various points of OCD including false memories and pitfalls. It felt good, maybe I should have recorded it to remind myself at other times, despite the risk of it becoming a compulsion. But the fact is that I talked to myself about how I want to deal with things, how I want to lead my life despite this disorder. If I'm going to go on living, I don't want it to imprison me, I want to believe in myself and the evidence around me, I don't want to go over the same thing a thousand times. Like a door, if I have doubts about whether it's open or not, I only want to check once and live my life afterwards. I want to stick to what makes sense and not scenarios and a thousand bad possibilities that pop into my mind without me wanting them to. I know it's not easy just talking like this and it will probably come back to haunt me, but I want to feel sure of what I know and what everyone tells me: that I'm a good person. Every day I experience situations and many of them I have no way of making sure of, whether it's because of the rush of the day or for any other reason, and I realized that I end up dealing with these situations, I end up accepting the uncertainty without realizing it, I had never noticed that. I always regret not having made sure enough at the time of these false memories, when I still didn't understand OCD very well, but the reality is that it still happens today, it's not often that I check everything a thousand times and at the end of the day I don't even remember it anymore. I swear, I want to fight it, I'm sunk in sadness but I want to breathe, to feel relief, I want to break free. If I'm going to live this life, let it be with a bit of quality. I know that there will always be difficulties, but I want to solve them rationally and I want to remember that every day I deal with mental disorders and not with an "evil" that is inside me, as OCD tells me. I swear I'm trying.

Anyone else kind of shoot themselves in the foot by imagining your false memory in such precise detail? Adding certain details, reactions scenery, real trivial details …etc. It’s like I know I’ve done this to myself but it now feels so unbelievably real. I think mine is also possibly mixed with real event which doesn’t help.

Hi, I'm Alexander   I want to start off by saying 2 things: 1. I am so proud that you are still here, fighting your war, pushing day by day. You are loved, and you are not alone. 2. I find humor helps me feel better about my OCD, as it kinda takes the wind out of its sail, so I hope I do not offend anyone with the silly jokes I make. If anyone takes offense, please let me know, and I will revise my post.   I was diagnosed with OCD in February of 2020, roughly 4 weeks before the world stood still due to COVID. At the time, my obsession was Harm OCD, but as time has gone by, I have acquired additional subtypes, almost like I am collecting Pokemon (gotta catch 'em all, right?). Over time, I have battled with HOCD, Pedophilia OCD, Real Event OCD, Incest OCD (it's not even a defined subtype yet, I'm just a hipster like that), and few others when I have the free time. My go to compulsions were rationalization (which only made things worse) and avoidance (watching Bob's Burgers and playing Rocket League). I started therapy at NOCD early January after a very rough holiday season, with many panic attacks, crying episodes, and generally wishing I was never born. My therapist, Andrew, has been such a gift in my life, treating me with care and compassion that my OCD makes me feel I am not worthy of. Together, we have identified that the core fear my OCD feeds on is abandonment; I am afraid that if I am the person my OCD wants me to think I am, that my friends and family will abandon me. When it came time to start (E)xposure (R)esponse (P)revention, I'm not going to lie, I was terrified. The first few sessions left me in quite a mess (to be fair, I definitely underestimated my response to my exposures, my bad Andrew, that's on me). Session after session it has gotten easier to face my triggers. I learned to steer away from my compulsions, and to process the triggering obsession like the trauma it is. I have been given the OCD Conqueror badge for my progress, and I appreciate the sentiment of it, however, I'm sorry NOCD, I think it gives the wrong idea. Conquering implies a set-in-stone victory, but that isn't what OCD is. OCD is a lifetime war, and a new battle starts every day. Somedays OCD beats me up pretty bad, but with the help I am getting, I am happy to say that most days I kick OCDs ass, sorry for cussing, brother ---^. I know that OCD is cyclic, and days might come where it battles with everything it has, but I'll be better equipped for it this time around. To those who are in active therapy, don't forget to tell your therapists that you appreciate them; without them, there would be no NOCD for us! Show them the same compassion, reassurance, and love they show us! To those who are unsure or scared of therapy, remember, "courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it" -Mark Twain