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I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head

(18+ only) How do you cope with that feeling of not being deserving of good things? This event is from when I was 18-19 (I don't remember the exact age, I think 18). I was scrolling on tumblr reading NSFW anime comics and looking back one of them had underage characters. I dont know how I didn't realize because it was super obvious, they didn't even look like adults or teens but I didn't think twice about it because I wasn't seeking out underage stuff and it had lots of likes so I just read it and kept going not thinking twice about it. I mustve thought it was the art style or something, I have no clue how I didn't realize or register what i was readinf. I also think I have a false memory of saving a repost of it to my drafts. I'm pretty sure I only read it once and then scrolled on, but my OCD is telling me I saved it. I keep looking back feeling like I did something incredibly unforgivable. I dont know the legality of it either and I feel like a secret criminal. I don't know if my OCD is blowing this out of proportion but I don't feel like it is. Even if it was years ago, I still feel like I dont deserve good things, I feel like I can't be in relationships because they don't know the 'real' me. I feel like people lie when they say I deserve kindness. I'm nervous to tell my therapist too, I don't want to be judged. Idk.

this is an event that im not at all clear on, it took place 7 years ago when i was 12 (i am now 18). i was holding my baby cousin on the couch and using snapchat filters to entertain them per the usual. i used to love doing that, i was always the baby in the family so i was excited to have a baby cousin of my own. and then i think i looked down and noticed my hand was over their diaper area and they also had on a diaper & pants ofc), and i think i scratched it and rubbed over the entire front of it (ew)🤢 i think because of the area and curiosity, this is what i've tried to remember. and now my head is saying that i liked it and was turned on idk truly, it happened years ago it's all a blur. i don't know why i would do it. but i know i would never hurt them, i mean i've been obsessed with them since before they were even born! but i don't have any clear memory of what happened, but i do think it was something like that. I think i was too young to think much of it or see the full spectrum of things because they had a diaper on. but i still feel terrible, this is an old obsession because i almost offed myself 2 years ago because of the same dilemma. the whole thing disgusts me. I've talked to my sister about it, she's a therapist/ social worker. i broke completely down and was crying so hard i could hardly breathe. she told me to calm down, & that i was probably curious and i was young. but i still feel like i sa'ed them, even though i didn't actually touch their privates and definitely had no intentions of it either.

Anyone deal with this? Uncertainty regarding an event in your past. You wonder was anyone hurt but you can never know for sure. Always fearing you are going to get in trouble one day. Then on top of that the thoughts regarding the event feel so real that you walk around defeated feeling like you are so bad and you should just tell everyone. Then the intrusive thoughts that make you fear the worst case scenario are always in your head all day everyday for a year. Then you start seeing confirmation/signs of your worst fear/intrusive thoughts everywhere that seem to confirm your fears. You start wondering is God trying to tell you something because every thing you watch, see, hear seems to point to or talk about what you’re obsessing about. Then because of the uncertainty you ask God to tell you what the outcome of the event was. Then all of a sudden you start seeing more signs of your theme and think is God confirming this. Then there are days where you get or see confirmation debunking your fear of worst case scenario and you wonder is God giving me signs in the other direction now.

One of my themes is HIV fears, and I was just at Walmart picking out a shirt from the rack that they have them all folded up on. I was reaching for one from the bottom shelf and my hand brushed against the underside of the shelf above and they're was a sharp part that cut open my thumb. I panicked and took a picture of underneath and it was just the shelf was sharp where it looked welded but it made me bleed a lot and now I'm freaked out thinking it could have a disease

I’m sorry to ask, but I need support from someone with this particular subtype or who has dealt with real even around past mistakes. I’ve done a lot of things wrong and advice from my therapist is to not confess. Confessing is my compulsion, but some are really big mistakes from my younger years. How do you handle the feelings of guilt and shame without confessing? Have you ever confessed and were met with harsh judgement? I’m scared I’ll lose my will or desire to live just sitting with this guilt.

I’ve been diagnosed with ocd. I first started off with harm ocd.when I got over it, it started switching into new themes. Every week I’d have to deal with a new thought/fear. And now i feel like im stuck again! Im not sure what type of ocd im going through right now. But im scared of hallucinating. Im scared of hearing things that aren’t there. So that caused me to be hyper aware of every sound I hear. And I now focus on white noises so much ( like AC, fridge, water pipes, the tv when it’s far away etc.) and I start to question my sister: can you hear that ? Because I’m super scared the I’m hallucinating. But usually she’ll answer with yes she can hear it. But I’ve been struggling with something else too. I sleep with the AC on and I’ve been doing for years. But during the past month that caused me so much stress and anxiety. Because I feel like whenever the AC is on I hear other things (not people talk or words or specific things) just unclear sounds. And I’m not sure if that’s in my head or it’s actually there but because the AC sound loud I can’t recognize the other sounds im hearing. And I get so anxious when I try to sleep because everything is so quiet and it’s just me and the AC on. So I feel like everything is loud. And I don’t know if the unclear sounds are in my head or real. And yesterday when I tried to sleep a police car went by and the siren of it was loud too. I focused on the sound. And questioned if it’s real or not. Then I started hearing the siren non stop for 3 minutes probably. Even though I’m sure the police car went by. So I was scared and terrified that I was hallucinating. And now I’m just scared that what if I’m not hyper aware ocd. What if I’m schizophrenic. What if I’m going crazy. I’m so scared. And I’m worrying that this will happen again if I go to sleep tonight. Someone help me please and give me advice!

I spend a lot of time ruminating about my health and how I'm going to get past all of the thoughts I think of and the events that I think of in the past. It leaves me really nauseous randomly throughout my days. Anyone else get this from their OCD? It makes me worry more about my health

This is the worst my OCD has gotten! I’ve freaked out many times about harming my children, touching them inappropriately, etc. the other night I got blackout drunk and woke up and had thoughts of something specifically that I did to my 5 year old. It’s horrendous. Do you think it’s possible to become our worst fear when drunk? Do you think my son would wake up if I did something? This is awful! And I’ve been very suicidal since. I’m not sure how I can accept the uncertainty of this and move on. Yes, I’m in therapy.

I developed ocd only after having my first baby. Postpartum ocd. It never went away and i’ve had it on and off ever since. I have a question..If you are so focused and stuck on an intrusive thought and you tell yourself over and over “it isn’t real because you’ve never had these kind of thoughts before it’s just the ocd” and then suddenly a random memory pops up from before the baby but this time its different than you remember and now you are having an ocd thought in the memory but you know you never had ocd before the baby..can ocd change a memory and add something to it to fit the lie the ocd is trying to convince you of? Has this happened to anyone else?

Has anyone ever had an intrusive thought or false memory about a person and then some time later in the future that person says something like what your thought/false memory was about happened to them and you immediately think it was you even though you know it was just ocd and now you doubt and question yourself?

Ok so this Friday I wanted to go to training and usually I’m always in a cabin alone bc the rest always splits up into different ones but I wanna stay alone. But then while I was standing there charging and using my phone, a little girl walked in. And now is the thing: based on all what k remember and that I know and am 100% sure happened that way, I instantly started to feel bad and decided to leave the cabin. I plugged out my phone, packed my stuff into my bag, put my jacket out first and then came back another time to get the rest of my stuff. But the thing is that the second I left the cabin, I started doubting „what if I had assaulted her?“ and like I still remember going to the toilet a couple of seconds after that and while being on the toilet I thought „yes no nothing had happened“ and I mean my memories were still extremely accurate there but the doubt wouldn’t leave me. Like I just kept thinking „but what if I did?“ and no matter how often I go back in my memories proving to myself that I literally hadn’t remembered this at any point and barely even saw that girl bc I just instantly ran out of the cabin and that that’s obviously not even the point of running away. I also remember I was on my phone right afterwards. So basically I was on my phone before she had walked in and right after. Makes not even a minute of not using my phone. And she only changed her shoes from what I know. I didn’t even look at her. But I keep and keep on doubting that. Even though I remember everything else really well. I even remember I had chuckled at something on my phone right before she had walked in and then stopped when I saw her and ran out of the cabin. I also remember that I was hurrying up extra much to get out as fast as possible. Basically I remember everything and I even thought pretty surely that nothing had happened maybe a minute after. But I’m still doubting that. Like, wouldn’t I remember that? Especially since I didn’t have any memory to doing this right afterwards.. Idk how to get rid of this thought like I know how to trust my memories but then I still doubt it even tho I know I’d remember it

Hi everybody I have a quick question. I have been dating for a while and unfortunately we had to break up because of all the fights and troubles. We also had really really nice moments and I am pretty sad it didn't work out. Mostly had something to do with me boyfriends past. I have always been an overthinker, had lots of anxiety and stress etc. But last year was really bad sometimes. Now my question is; I am so scared due to all the stress (alternating with really good moment) causing cancer. Stress was always just 1 or 2 days, so not months on end. But I know stress decreaseds your immunsystem and therefore can cause cancer. I am not looking for reassurance regarding if stress does or does not cause cancer. But what I wanted to know is: is it my fault when eventually I do get cancer due to the stress? It was really a mix of things and the breakup was nobody's fault but it feels so annoying that now I don't have a boyfriend anymore and maybe I get cancer from all the stress... so I am beating myself up for not ending it sooner. There was no physical fight or anything, it just didn't work out and we both know this is for the best. Still I am mad at myself for all the stress I caused myself

I have been doing really really well for the past year ish. Of course I have some bad days or weeks but overall I feel almost back to pre diagnosis. I have recently gotten in the most incredible relationship I could have never even dreamed of. This has caused my real event ocd to flair up. He often talks about hurting people who have hurt children which as you can imagine triggers my real event. I believe my ex left me bc I told him about my real event bc my non ocd therapist told me I had to while she also told me how horrible I was. I can’t decide if I have to tell my current boyfriend how horrible of a human I am to give him the chance to also dumb me despite the fact that I am not who I was at 6/7 years old… what do I do 😭

I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes. I feel sick to my stomach that my false memories might be real. I have so many memories of assaulting children and raping people that I can’t tell if it’s real or fake but it FEELS REAL. IT FEELS LIKE A REAL MEMORY AND EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS ITS JUST IN MY HEAD. I can’t continue thinking I did something so egodystonic. It makes me physically ill. My memories feel real too real. What do I do how do I LIVE WITH THIS PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME

Hi all , please comment if you’re experiencing what I’m about to share . I am going through a very tough time with existential fears & very frightening thoughts to a point where the thought of myself sends me into a spiral. I ask myself “am I even existing right now as I’m typing this” “ how do I know that I’m not already dead or in a purgatory “how do I confirm that I even exist” what if I’ve already died and this is what death feels like “ nothing & no one around me feels real , I look at my kids & my husband & question their existence. I’ve also been suffering from severe depersonalisation/derealisation & I don’t know which one is triggering the other ! I also suffer from harm ocd where I’m forever worrying that I might lose control & harm my family whom I love to bits & I’m always battling the nightmare inside me that makes me believe that I’ve already hurt them but I just don’t know it … I’m on lexapro & have been for two years but I find that all it does is numb my emotions, I can’t cry & at times worry that if sharpens to someone I love , I may not be able to cry or show emotions . I am convinced that I’ve developed schizophrenia 🥲🥲 which has always been my worst fear! Or that I’ve gone psychotic without realising . I cannot see myself out of this hole & my brain had forgotten what being a normal person once felt like 🥲🥲. I was seeing a psychologist and he did ERP with me but sadly that did Not help so I stopped seeing him altogether & lost faith in therapy altogether ! Sorry this is a very long post but I just want to know that someone out there is experiencing the same symptoms and has gotten over it through ERP or other medication ? Because I feel like I’m the only one suffering from this debilitating illness and there’s no way out!

When I was 6 or 7, me and my family would watch House a lot. It’s a tv show about a doctor who diagnoses weird stuff and rare diseases. So in one episode this school women’s diving team had a girl get sick and at the hospital they had to swap her private parts. So after that episode a girl from my neighborhood and me went to the bathroom and play Doctor, and I swapped her privates and mine and reinacted the show. Like I remember being like ok we are professionals divers and this and that. Any fast forward to when I was 10, I learned what rape was and I had my very first HUGE panic attack about what if I raped her. I have been afraid ever since, so the event took place 20 years ago but I’ve been living in hell for 17. I have been afraid that her dad would send a hit man out to kill me, that she killed herself, that I’m not worth anything, that I shouldn’t get married or have children. This is the worst thing I ever did in my life regardless of being told by people that this was normal and children do this daily. Am I rational in my fears or is this actually OCD.

Years ago when i struggle through p*rn addiction I watched p*rn in a private shower stall several times at the gym after seeing many people wearing explicit clothing. (no audio, no sound, alone in a private stall). I never intended to make it inappropriately public and I never did. No one saw or knows. In the army i was exposed to public nudity all the time and hated it so of course its against my values and i never did it. Im just worried since i did in a private stall is that illegal? Am i going to be a offender or arrested. Even though its completely not who I am. Im worried sick and ruminated on every detail from years ago.

i can’t move on. the guilt and shame over my actions but also struggling to remember and 100% know what happened because I was very drunk is crippling. i hate this feeling. i quit drinking because nothing is worth losing her. i feel I done something awful like semi cheat or cheat and i feel the urge to confess. i even told to my partner about the situation and she forgave me and let me with so much grace and yet i still feel like there is more to confess even tho if she’s moved on why haven’t i when im the one who was a horrible person. like i ruminate and kick analyze and essentially find/create another detail that i dont even know if its relevant or real. my partner is the love of my life and i never want to hurt her and we plan on getting married so why does my brain try and convince me i want other people when all i want is her and our life together. then if i get too drunk it’s like my subconscious comes out and tries to sabotage my life and go against all of my values and trys to get me to act on intrusive thoughts? i can’t even put it into works im so confused and feel so lonely and shameful and at rock bottom. everyone is always telling me how good of a person i am and how incredibly lucky they are to know me and i feel like a fraud and a horrible person because of my mistakes. how do i move on and recover. and then everything becomes and obsession and my comparisons worded and it’s a downward spiral. anyone else shave similar experiences or helpful tips and ways to move forward without guilt. i just want peace and love.

I have this memory of playing with my childhood friend like lifting him up in the air putting him back down just playing. And my brain is taking that memory and saying I had sex with him or I humped him or something like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I had sex or raped a little boy. I’m scared. Please give me some advice