I don’t know if I can do this much longer

I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.

I have pocd and am dealing with a real event situation with it. I did something really really odd when I was 18, like really weird. It kinda involved a child but no one was hurt and nothing s*xual really happened. What I did tho was really weird and although I’m kinder to myself and not calling myself a p*do anymore I still can’t shake how weird what I did was. Im not talking something cute and quirky weird like im talking weird weird and strange like mentally not with it. I feel like I’ve ruined everything and base my life on this thing I did. How do I stop feeling like this when I feel like I deserve to be put in an asylum.

I don't feel like my real event ocd is actually normal. people don't just make mistakes or do stuff like that as a child. and I feel guilty and shameful because it's awful. how is that ocd and not just terrible and criminal. and the fact that I can't remember if I actually did something just as bad or something similar when I got older is insane. like why would I have done it again if I'm not a bad person? it feels like i might actually remember it and there's no way of knowing. it's gross and disgusting and criminal!!! how would I ever tell a therapist about those actions and expect them to not be weired out, concerned, and inclined to tell me same things that I'm thinking which is that I shouldn't be alive or I belong locked up for what I did. having ocd doesn't excuse my past mistakes, child or not. especially when I'm unsure if something happened again when I was an older teen and would have known better. and how do I live on and the people in my life don't know these mistakes. they wouldn't want to know me if they knew what I did so am I lying to them by omitting the awful things about myself??