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I've been told it's impossible to "push intrusive thoughts away", but also that rumination is a compulsion. What is rumination vs. overthinking? And how do I stop ruminating properly and healthfully?

TikTok makes me question if I’m a bad person every day Every time a story goes viral—like the Uber Eats woman lying about her delivery at the hillside hospital—I spiral. I know what she did was very wrong, but the way people drag it out and make wild assumptions (“she probably lies at work too!”) feels extreme. I’ve never lied about missing food, but I have gotten refunds for bad orders in hard times. Now I’m panicking that maybe I’m just as bad, even though I wasn’t trying to scam. My OCD latches onto stuff like this and won’t let go. I just wish people understood how damaging these mob reactions can be. And honestly, why don’t these apps do proper investigations before punishing drivers or customers? Not everything is black and white. Idk maybe it’s just me but things can be handled without trying to go viral on tik tok.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

i think i might be struggling with depression. can depression make ocd worse? because lately, my intrusive thoughts have become so intense that even trying to sit with them doesn’t help. i hate that i can’t even go one full day without giving in to a compulsion. the horrible, blasphemous thoughts are so overwhelming that i sometimes feel like giving up and just believing them—not because i actually want to, but because I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. what scares me most is that my feelings feel so twisted now… like i’m starting to like or want these cruel thoughts. it’s terrifying because i feel like i’m becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be—a cruel person, even an enemy of God. and i don’t want that at all. i'm just scared i’m changing into someone i’m not.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far in my life. OCD has had its claws in me since I was 7. I used to lay in bed and tell myself over and over “it’ll be gone when I’m older, it’ll be better” but it just got worse with age. I’m 25 now and I’ve lost so many years to this. Or to pretending to be someone else in order to avoid it all. I can’t say or do one thing without analyzing it to death. Everything is black and white when it comes to me and my own morality. I overcompensate by allowing everyone else around me to be gray. I don’t allow myself that same grace. I try, everyday. Sometimes I sit and look back on my life and just wonder why. And how. I carry every mistake I’ve made with me from day to day. It rules me, it owns me, and it chips away at the person I could have been without ocd. I mourn myself.

I’m getting a memory about a time last year when I was on tik tok and on the tik tok shop where there was a clothing item where it was like see through and I think I looked at it on accident a couple times and idk if I purposely looked at it. I know it was last year before I even knew my gf or anything but my memory is blurry and I don’t remember exact dates so I’m worried. I genuinely would never look at a girl sexually like that and I definitely would not have done that recently bc I remember I was super anxious that I did that at the time and I remember that the first time my ocd got kinda bad when I was talking to my gf was during spring break. And it wasn’t bc of the tik tok shop stuff. I know it was last year

Right now I’m obsessing about the meaning of the world evil, and if anyone really is truly “evil”. It started when I was thinking about Judas from the Bible and how I don’t think he is really evil, but a flawed person with flawed thinking that made him make a decision he thought would be for the best. There are tons of people who would call Judas outright evil but is that really the case? Then there’s the case of if anyone is really evil in the first place. Take the most heinous act you can think of, there must be some underlying problem that is making this person do what they do. The action itself is evil but is the person also “evil” as a result or just really flawed. My ocd is trying to make me think I’m defending these people or actions by saying all this, but I know that’s not the case. I’m not sure if my ocd is making me think about this in the first place though. I definitely overthink a lot and it ends up with me thinking about all these philosophical ideas, but maybe that’s just who I am and not a result of ocd. Sometimes my ocd really makes me feel the need to find an answer, which is really hard to do with topics like these, so I suspect it plays some role.

This is going to sound crazy but I guess I am. For over a year now I’ve suffered from ocd. And I always thought ocd was just I turned the door the wrong way but it’s so much more. I feel as if I’ll never get better. I’m in a relationship, for 8 months now with the most encouraging and supportive boyfriend ever. I tell him all of my thoughts and he understands and accepts because he understands it’s not thoughts I mean to have. I feel so awful being the way I am and being with him. I feel like I can’t be happy because it’s always something going on with me. He has a bigger family all boys, and everyone I hangout with my boyfriend and his brothers I get uncomfortable and weird and convince myself I have feelings for them or I want them. It makes me so disgusted and physically ill every time. The thoughts never go away and it’s not even about them it’s tons of things. I cry constantly because I can’t get the thoughts to go away. I can’t hang out with anybody out of fear I’ll have a thought I don’t want. I feel like I’m so alone. A year ago I felt the same way about my dad which I know is absolutely disgusting and I would never have feelings for my own family and dad, bit thoughts pop into my head. I don’t know if it’s because my brain wants a reason and answer as to why I think those things so I tell myself I like them, but I can’t shake it. I’m trying medicines and hopefully getting into therapy soon. I just don’t know if it ever is going to get better. Some days are better than others and every time I have a bad thought I get heat flashes and and my stomach hurts and I get anxiety and I just want it all to go away. I hate it so much and I feel as if I’ll never be normal again and never be able to live my life freely. I have to constantly worry about what my brain might come up with. These are not thoughts I want to have but somehow my brain has them and I feel so disgusted and I need help so badly. I never know what to do and i feel like an awful human being. I convince myself these things are try when I know they aren’t deep down. I’m losing my charachter and I’m losing myself and the person I know I am which would never have thoughts like these. I want it all to go away. Please tell me it gets better. I don’t recognize myself anymore.

So I’m new to this app and I knew there was something wrong w/ my brain for a few years now. I’m a professional volleyball player and was playing in France last year while in a long distance relationship. I would ruminate and think that one small thing was going to ruin my career every. Single. Day. And I have the fear that I NEEDED to end warm ups with a good hit or else I would play terribly. I had constant fears that my teammates don’t trust me and think I’m bad - when in reality and looking at the statistics I was one of the best players on the team - the fearful ruminating keeps me awake at night and it would get so bad that I would break into a rash on my neck. Lots of rashes from anxiety and over thinking :( My relationship was new but it was long distance. I never experienced this in my life: my mind became OBSESSED with the idea he might be ugly. I couldn’t stop thinking that he was ugly and feared that that meant I needed to break up with him and I felt like a terrible person constantly and the thought ate me alive - I was constantly googling about it to try and get some relief which I am now learning is seeking reassurance. I also have struggled with some forms of disordered eating for many years but it got so bad in France. I was binge eating a lot. I gained ten pounds in a month. I knew it and I felt it and I became OBSESSED with the idea that I’m so fat and a weak terrible person for not being able to control my binges. My therapist gave me some screener exams. I scored very highly on the anxiety test and the OCD test which blew my mind cuz I’ve never considered OCD in my whole life. I started taking Prozac which honestly I feel like saved my life. It’s been over 6 months since that point now and everything is so much more manageable. I’ve also recently learned that I may have autism as well. My brother has it and dad is convinced he has it but I was never diagnosed. I also learned I may have a bit of ADD as well recently. I’ve known I think differently for some time but this is just overwhelming and validating and confusing and a bit scary. My current obsession is worrying about my future career - I’m obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so afraid of my making a lot of money in the future. I take aptitude tests all the time when I get anxiety or go on Reddit to hear about other people which makes me feel okay for a little but it always comes back. My head is spinning. I just want to enjoy being 24 and having an interesting career and trust that my life will be okay but I’m so convinced that I’m going to suffer immensely if I don’t start pursuing a high paying job immediately. Im a smart girl - graduated from UC Berkeley - have done tons of networking in different industries - I have a financial plan for the future for when I start a normal job - but I cant stop this cyclical torturous thinking that I’m going to be poor and suffer immensely I also learned a few years ago I have an anxious attachment style which I thought I worked through but in my new relationship I have strong feelings for him and I feel the intense fear abandonment coming up and I’m so scared I’m gonna ruin the relationship - I thought maybe I’m just someone who needs a lot of reassurance but if I have OCD maybe that will make it worse? Feeling like I need reassurance to regulate? I just would like some help - have you experienced this? Is this even OCD? Am I making things up for attention? I’m going to bring it up with my therapist.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety and fear around what I know and what I don’t know. I also just had some a French vanilla coffee so I think this made it worse. And I should have known better. I realize I am really uncomfortable about what is out of control to the point I am very scared and nervous and I don’t know what it is about. Every time I journal I feel a strong urge to through the journal away and get a new one, in the same way every choice and decision I make it is out of fear and uncomfortableness not because it is my actual decision. So now I feel like more than ever ocd is controlling my life even though I know that what it is and that it is not something to be afraid of but I stilll constantly doubt and judge myself. I officially got diagnosed I was not sure before but what is the first step to taking back control over your life and yourself? I am on the waiting list for therapy but also I wish I could go to therapy sooner but I want someone I know I will work well with and I don’t want to rush thing because I know I will not do well at making such a big step in my own because I will overthink it so I just want to get myself to a point where I can do important things like that for myself. With school coming up I am even more stressed and worried about making the right decisions. Any tips? I would appreciate it. Also can anyone relate to this confusion and this dilemma with making important dedication like getting help and going to the doctor? Any did it make it hard to navigate school?

I have been stuck for 2 months now. I have so much consuming anxiety all day everyday. I can’t take these thoughts and feelings. I took leave at work because I couldn’t even function there. Everyday I wake up in the same nightmare. I tried therapy last month and felt like we got no where. My family is just fed up with me and keeps saying I’m not trying to help myself. It’s feels like this is never going to end. I feel paralyzed, if I’m not doing a compulsion it feels like my thoughts might happen. I wish there was somewhere I could go right now to get the help I need. Ocd is so hard and idk how to stop this endless loop. Now that I’m not working I’m home all day everyday. I’ve reached out to Rogers for residential treatment, waiting for a response. Can anyone relate to feeling this way. It’s 24/7 for me and I’m so terrified my life will be like this forever….

i'm scared of my life right now. yesterday, i really had very dark and blasphemous thoughts about Jesus, and i think i believed and agree with them. as i think about it right now, i think i smiled or felt proud of it yesterday. i wasn't even sure if i laughed, felt proud, agree, or believed it—but i think i did believe and agree with it. yesterday, i felt sick too because of a cold, and i think i'm going through depression for days, so i felt so exhausted. as i'm typing right now the phrase that i'm going through depression and felt sick yesterday, my brain says that maybe i'm just using those as an excuse to not look horrible. today, i feel so horrible because what happened yesterday is very wrong. i shouldn't believe or agree in that. Jesus is very kind and loving, so why would i agree with those blasphemous thoughts? i hate what is happening to me right now. i feel like i'm not sorry enough for the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus. i feel so terrible. i feel like i'm starting to get cruel. even with random people, i'm having cruel thoughts and feel like i agree with them. i'm not like this before. i don't know why i feel this way—like i will just fully believe and agree in every cruel thought i have. i feel like i have no energy to really feel bad, even though i know how terrible those thoughts are. i don't want to be a cruel person. i feel so sorry and bad for the thoughts i had about Jesus and those people, and it doesn't help that i keep thinking about whether i really believed and agree with them. i'm also scared because i'm thinking i'm developing psychosis. i've been analyzing my behavior before and earlier, and i'm scared that too much thinking will lead me there. i'm scared because i also have urges to laugh sometimes, and i have random thoughts and phrases that comes on my mouth that are unrelated to what i'm doing. my emotions also don’t match the situation sometimes. i'm also talking to myself out loud—i’m doing it to answer back to my ocd and explain things, but sometimes i'm doing it randomly or out of nowhere but i'm aware of it. i'm so scared of developing psychosis. i'm 17, and i can't see the purpose of living like this. i hate my brain. i hate myself. i feel so cruel. if i die, i'm thinking i’ll go to hell because i believed and agree on the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus, even though i cry, hurt myself, and acknowledge how horrible and wrong they are already. i feel like i'm still believing and agreeing on those blasphemous thoughts, like they have a point—and i hate that. it is so horrible. i even scared how my feelings are not aligned, like i really like it. i don't know why i feel this way. i'm so cruel. when i think about healing myself, i feel so undeserving of it—because why would a cruel person like me deserve that? why would someone who might commit blasphemy against Jesus heal? i just want to d!e. i'm so tired. i don't care about myself anymore, but i'm so scared and worried about what i've done to Jesus. can you help me? i badly need help. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so condemned. i feel like i'm about to develop psychosis because of this. please help me. i feel so cruel.

My OCD diagnosis is still very new, but now that I know what it is, it is clearly something I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Contamination/bugs and health have been a consistent theme since childhood, but religious/existential themes emerged during adolescence. Around that same time, there was also a good deal of trauma, and during middle school I started experiencing hallucinations. Tactile (like bugs crawling on me or biting me, an eyelash being stuck in my eye, but nothing was really there); visual (like moving shadows or things that would dart past in my periphery, and then I would just have intrusive thoughts of scary things around corners or under things); and auditory (an angry male voice that grumbles or yells indistinctly, or a high pitched noise like a microphone/speaker feedback but muffled and less sharp). Because of the religious denomination I grew up in, I initially assumed these were demons and tried to address it that way, but when I was 14 or 15, it occurred to me that those voices/sounds sounded like the way I felt, and the visual/tactile experiences happened during times of stress too — and so all of those experiences could just be seen as an expression of a fragmented part of myself. That acceptance didn’t make them go away — I still experience them now and I’m in my 30s — but it made those experiences less scary and more manageable. I also see now how these all pop up specifically when OCD obsessions are super triggered and when I’m super sleep deprived. Anyway! Since this diagnosis, and talking about the hallucinations at all, are new to me, I am wondering who else has had similar experiences. I don’t really know how much of the hallucination experience is OCD versus trauma, but it seems like this might all make sense under the “quasi-hallucination” label.

I shouldn’t have said what I said. It was really bad. There was this guy saying he was pro extinction and he said we should accept extinction to stop suffering. I commented. “Alright, buddy. You go first.” I remembered it and was like, “That’s wasn’t very good what I said.” I went back and deleted it. I still feel bad though. I mean, I basically told a person to kill themself. I mean, a lot of other people were saying the same thing but I don’t give me the right to say that. I often do this. Words come out of my mouth that I shouldn’t say and I regret them later. I’m gonna commit to not saying this again and ensure that I don’t say something as inappropriate as that and try to respectful from here on out.

I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.

Hello everyone! This is my first post since downloading the NOCD app and wanted to share a little about my life with OCD. I was first diagnosed when I was 17 but truly started noticing there was something going on with me as early as 10. To summarize: I have the repetitive ritualistic type of OCD. Basically, I have a fear of becoming other people. I believe that if I perform an action, like turning off the sink or closing a door, or even breathing in and out while thinking about somebody, especially someone that I dislike, that eventually I will become just like that person or experience something they've been through that is negative; like health issues, personality issues, or social status decline. Simple example: I know this one dude named Richard, I worked with him in retail, and he told me about how his brother died at a young age. Now, it’s nighttime, and with that new information known about Richard, I believe, that If I take my contact out while thinking of Richard, or an image of him appears in my head while I’m taking out my contact, I believe that MY brother is going to eventually die too. What’s the solution?: I worked with another kid in retail. His name is Mikey, he was decently put together, and his brother didn’t die. So that means: Now with my contact still on my finger, I put it to my eyeball, and keep tapping at my eyeball with my contact while trying to get an image of Mikey perfectly timed, so that I can cancel out the image of Richard and save my brothers life. This is a challenge because the image of Richard, or I should say, the fear that my brother could die from this thought, is strong, and often times I have to think of other people (from other life experiences) along with Mikey just to feel confident that I got the image cancelled enough to move forward. Every day, I complete many actions and with every action comes a thought or image of some person I’ve encountered in my life that I’m either afraid of becoming or obtaining the same negative life experiences, which therefore means I also have all the othet people in my mind, at the ready, that cancel them out too. Every day I cancel people out and repeat actions disguised to the public. Sometimes it’s noticeable, but knowing how to cover your ugly side while making sure you don’t mess up your future with the wrong thought is just what I call life. I’m a man with a thousand people in his head and its been an EXHAUSTING journey. But through therapy and acceptance of myself, I have found a way to love with it. Like anything else, there are horrible days and okay days, but this is apart of me forever and im lucky to share it all with you! Can anyone relate?? Feel free to comment or reach out! - Matt

I've been doing this thing where I think about what I should be doing all the time, as though anything I do is incorrect. "I should be tensing me body/I should be relaxing my body" "I should think this way about myself/I shouldn't think this way about myself" "I should talk to them/ I shouldn't talk to them" "I should be smiling/I should be frowning" "I should listen to this song" "I should be relaxing" "I should be doing work".... the list just goes on an on, back and fourth. I fixate and go back and fourth at what I should do to the point it feels excessive, obsessive. I can't relax and I have a really hard time just being okay with how I am in the present. Does anyone else experience this or have some advice? Thank you for reading.

A year ago u started to have these debilitating sexual intrusive thoughts sometimes they’d even come in forms of demands and a thing I’d do slit is agree but then if get really sad bc in my heart it didn’t feel right that wasnt something I wanted I started to lose myself so terribly my entire identity was stripped away from me I had zero clue of who I’d been my life before wasnt great but it was mine yk so ofc I started to perform compulsions like avoidance and other things bc I was genuinely scared my future felt threatened I tried everything no matter how much I’d say no, tried to agree, tried accepting the thoughts in hopes of recovery they only became louder until there was no me just thoughts but I started playing volleyball and it was something that truly grounded me for the first time I felt like myself I was doing whatever I wanted despite my thoughts I was being defiant i even started to like a girl and I liked her so much because she was the first person I’ve ever liked while liking myself and I Always felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t doing enough to honor my past or I felt like I should be doing more because I felt better but I moved on anyway despite the guilt but a couple months ago I had a panic attack it was weeks of intrusive thoughts leading up to it and I started to feel immense guilt I felt like I was losing myself again like it Was time for me to pay penance and it sounds terrible to describe it that way but the way they were so loud so demanding I felt guilty because before all my intrusive thoughts came I wouldn’t have felt like this and I wouldn’t have not wanted whatever was in my thoughts to happen so then it got louder thoughts like “ if ur reacting this way to one thing why not another” “u should feel this way because u would’ve in the past” and I couldn’t say no because it was true in the past I would’ve wanted that right so the louder it got the more I agreed because I felt like i wasnt allowed to say no and there’d be this quiet when I agreed it wasnt peace but quiet and I felt like I should’ve been grateful and when I’d break from the agreeing it was too late I craved the quiet but not the thoughts and I couldn’t have one without the other so now I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life and there’s nothing I can do abt it bc I was given the Opportunity to feel better and did nothing abt it

So I just started Zoloft 25mg almost a month ago and I’m still experiencing extreme panic and intrusive thoughts. It’s not fun, I genuinely just always think there’s no way I’ll “make it through life” living like this. And I’ve felt like this for four years straight I feel like recently it’s gotten a lot worse. Even when I feel like my brain is alittle quieter I was so obsessed w ocd that I just go right back to thinking abt it and scaring myself. Also I did ERP hated it I just started ICBT and I kinda like it. But when anyone else gets thought spirals and freaks out and has extreme panic do they have thoughts like they need to be admitted to a mental hospital and smth is seriously wrong with them? Bc the panic that comes with the ocd makes it feel soooo real and debilitating

Hey, I have been dealing with ocd for a while now and it has gotten to the point where every little decision could impact my whole life or something bad could happen. For example, ordering a coffee. If I pick 1st option on the menu, "you'll be a murder, evil, murdered." 2nd I would be okay. 3rd, " You'll be a pe*o, priest so you can't get married." (Not even catholic btw. Used to have obsession over it) It's tied to numbers and decisions. To the point it affects anything I do. It is tiring.