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working to conquer OCD
When my schizophrenic and ocd ahh wonāt let me comment on celebrities posts and be supportive cause my delusional ass thinks theyāll reply and try and lure me and take advantage of me etc
When my symptoms spiked, I went onto Reddit, unknowingly seeking reassurance. I remember I went on and "researched" for a couple of hours, and suddenly felt like I'd solved everything. About an hour later, I felt like I needed to go back and check one more time. Then again, and again. It got so bad that I'd spend like entire days on there or just online searching up my experiences. I can't believe it got out of control that quickly when I look back on it. A couple of weeks later, I began suspecting OCD, and that's when I saw a video on YouTube talking about compulsions. Immediately, I forced myself to stop researching and going on Reddit. It ended up being tougher than I thought, and there were a lot of nights I spent curled up and crying from the anxiety I felt, but I've since then successfully stopped doing it. Unfortunately, the time I spent on Reddit had worsened my OCD and I adopted on a lot of intrusive thoughts that I'd read about in other peoples stories, if that makes any sense at all. And, a lot of the stories on there were a lot worse and more graphic than my own, which did not help at all. I'll just say that going on there definitely did more damage than good in the end. :( I've been learning to accept that I don't need to "solve" or find an explanation to my thoughts. I do think that for me, the OCD did stem from trauma in childhood, but I don't need to dig deeper than that right now. Especially without guidance. The reason I wrote this post is because I can't sleep, and I'm bored, so I thought I'd write about something to calm my thoughts a bit. š¤
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever Iām down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illnessā¦. I hate to say it but I hate living right now itās too painfulā¦ im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now iām 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think Iām gay and didnāt realize or indenial and listen I get it ādonāt look for reassurance!ā āItās not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!ā Hereās the thing with that if Iām in a relationship and Iām gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that āoh yeah that stuff happens and youāll move onā is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didnāt realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it canāt google says otherwise and some people have said it canāt idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I canāt take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why canāt I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the bodyās and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still donāt get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because Iām with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain Iām (demi sexual so I donāt even really care about looks) and I truly didnāt care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I donāt like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldnāt be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didnāt even care about labels before my ocd it just didnāt matter but now itās effected my sex life and itās hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused Iām so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner Iām with right now!!! Iām so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that Iām gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out itās been true all along?!???
So some months ago i was very panicked because i was ālookingā at a boy from my school, i guess he rrminded me of someone and every time i saw him i was looking at him. That turned into weels of obsesing , at home i was thinking āam i thinking about him? ā āam i a cheater ā ādo i like himā āam i a bad girlfriend and betraying my boyfriend ā āwhy sm i thinking about his face i dont want thisā i calmed down after that and them when i saw him i was fine, i didnāt thought about that anymore. This happend one time in may anf one time in September. I stopped obsesing with that and just hot my regular āwhat id i dont like my boyfriend amd my thoughts are realā . This week i saw that boy and he was looking at me and i started to panic again, yhinkinv thatbinlike him or that im looking at him on purpose. Rn i was thinking scenerios om how would i act if there was talking to him if i woulf gave went on erasmus project and thrn i started to think im a cheater and my boyfriend dosent deserve me to think about this i dont actually like that boy i dont know his name i just panicked that i had this thought and started to think what they mean. I feel very guilty bc i have other thoughts regsrding my ROCD amd how i feel abt my boyfriend but i love my boyfriend i feel so bad about this. I fo t want to like others. I know my thoughts are not true but i still panic and think that maybe they are
so i have a guy friend who has been a frequent victim of my intrusive thoughts. one them including thinking that i like him over my bf. this happens frequently when i listen to my favorite music. a lot of my music taste does come from my bf and most of our tastes overlap. however he likes more 90s-early 2000s rap and i like more rnb as well as rap. one of my favorite artists ever is frank ocean, which my bf doesnāt mind but itās not on his top choices. however my guy friend is also a big frank ocean fan and he was shocked to hear that i donāt like ābasic white girl musicā. for some reason hearing someone else say i had a good music taste felt very validating and now all my brain thinks of when i listen to my music is my guy friend and it makes me feel like i like him over my bf. iāve been a frank ocean fan since i was like 13 and i plan on getting something from one of my favorite songs tattooed bc it has very deep meaning to my growth as a person and iāve always felt very connected to it. now i feel like i canāt bc all my brain can think abt is my stupid friend when i listen to music. itās not like heās the only friend i have that shares my music taste either. two of my other girl friends also share interests in similar artists so im pretty sure my ocd clings onto the guy friend bc it wants to make me think i cheated on my bf. this is so dumb i just want to listen to my songs without my brain making up dumb shit.
so, sometime ago, 10 ish years ago to be exact, i was sexually assaulted under the influence of drugs. itās come & gone with varying levels of intensity throughout these years. for some time, it didnāt seem to bother me. i changed my whole room around, threw away those clothes, did more drugs so i could sleep. eventually, i stopped doing drugs or misusing medication entirely. i rejected it and throughout those years it was still in the back of my mind but i refused to think of it. it seemed better this way knowing what i know now. my cousin told me to go get help for some of the trauma i had experienced in the past as it was showing up as anger and inability to trust in my life. when i did this, the counselor asked some very hard questions, we discussed out loud, in detail the things i recall. she labeled me as a crisis patient and pushed me through to a trauma crisis therapist. we spent about a month of preparation for this program before we terminated our sessions together. so i never went through to see the crisis trauma therapist, nor did i finish all the preparation work me and my (at the time) current therapist were working on. this is when it all seemed to bother me so much more. this was about two years ago. i was scared to be around men once the incident initially occurred, but this went away as i rejected what i remembered. since then, iāve been scared to be around men where up to this point i had gotten over that, intrusive thoughts (this was before OCD), and nightmares all started to reoccur. fast forward to now, i met my lovely boyfriend again, after we had a thing several years ago. back then, i was not so scared to be around him. in the beginning of me and him reconnecting i was scared out of my mind, constantly worrying, scared of sex and to be alone with him. when we first hung out we were cuddling and his leg was on me and i was worried, i asked him to move his leg, he did. well given some time we got through this together (me more than him) and it all seemed to be great for a short time. i know i could trust him but we were play fighting one day and he held me in a position we normally would have sex in and it gave me a thought, āwhat if weāre having sex like this and he decides to rape me and i canāt get away?ā this thought stuck for days. so much so that i told him i didnāt want to do that position for the time being. i had a few more thoughts similar since then but brushed them off when given them time. lately, for the past month, the incident 10 years ago seemed to be fading from my mind how it used to. some days i totally forget about it, some days im aware it happened but it doesnāt bother me. the point is i was having less days where it impacted me so heavily. the other night, we were doing something, i donāt even remember what, and i got an image in my head that basically showed the position we were in and instead of me seeing what was right in front of me, when i blinked its like i saw how this position (not even sexual this time) could go horribly wrong and how, if he wanted to, he could just flip me and hold me down. my question is are these intrusive thoughts? and if they are, are they OCD related? and if so, why am i getting them of my bf and not have the flashbacks of the man himself in these specific instances? my bf would never in a million years harm me. itās not fair to him whether he knows about this or not and itās not fair to me to be scared sometimes for no reason. i need to know whatās going on. thank you.
I canāt take it anymore I havenāt been able to sleep or eat Iāve been starving myself non stop like it hasnāt gotten this bad with ocd idk if itās even ocd at this point I never i thought I would be in this situation this year this is a pretty new problem Iāve never ever had this problem before all my life when I self pleasure even before hand I never plan on acting on anything while doing my alone time Iām sorry this it TMi but all the sudden I get bad intrusive thoughts of my family and in the moment i think I may have felt like I got some pleasure form it idk it just felt like I was self pleasuring bc of these thoughts so immediately afterwards I panic and cry idk why I do bc Iām doing this to myself ppl say the fact Iām feeling scared shows I didnāt do anything bad but I THINK I ONLT FEEL THIS WAY BC Iām probably realizing I made a horrible decision I never plan this out ever and I never know when the thoughts will come and this fear comes once in awhile but not everytime I feel like Iām just the only one who feels this way Iāve had some ppl say they are able to stop in between but for me I stop until afterwards idk whatās wrong with me :( Iāve been feeling really bad to the point where I donāt want to be here when I try tell myself this might be ocd I feel like Iām in denial idk if I should just turn myself in I donāt want to have anything to do with self pleasure anymore I donāt trust myself:(
Anyone else ever struggled with real event obsessions related to being a perpetrator of COCSA? A while back I had an obsessive episode about this, and it caused me to spiral so badly. It was so rough. itās especially scary for me because I canāt confidently remember what I did or how old I was when it happened. The one thing I do know is that I was 5 years older than the other person, which just makes me all the more mortified and terrified, especially when I try to put it in perspective of how old I *might* have been at the time. (Hypothetically somewhere between 9-10) When I first had this thought pop into my head I spiralled so so hard. I spent so long replaying everything, trying to remember what actually happened, and every time I replayed the moment, it changed in my mind. Iām so scared that Iām a perpetrator of COCSA, but I canāt confidently say to what severity. I donāt think I could ever admit this openly to anyone, but part of me feels an overwhelming kind of guilt that could only ever go away if I confessed. It even makes me feel like I should be confessing to people like my boyfriend. I feel a sense of obligation to share this with him, I think partly due to the fact that I see us getting married in the future. But I donāt think I ever could tell him, and that makes me worry for the future of my relationship. I donāt want to build a relationship on secrets, and this secret feels so overwhelmingly heavy. At one time it even made me feel unworthy of love. But it would ruin our relationship if I told him. And even if I did decide to confess, I wouldnāt be able to confidently say what happened, because I donāt even know anymore. Iām stuck with an unsolvable problem it seems. The guilt is unbearable at times, and it comes and goes in waves. Iām scared that one day when I have kids the guilt will come back again in a huge way and Iāll be forced to confess. I donāt even know if this is āOCDā and I donāt want to label myself. I just know Iām experiencing some rough problems and I feel like no one can relate to my experience. At the worst of it, I felt so isolated and unlovable.
Iām a bi woman, dating a man and sex has been.. difficult lately. I zone out, I get intrusive thoughts. Iām not mentally there lately. Iām chalking it up to ocd and my birth control Or am I just realizing Iām actually gay and no longer want sex with him? And Iām seeing women who went through menopause realize theyāre lesbians and Iām worried that Iām currently suppressing smthn. I know Iām bi, Iāve always enjoyed being intimate with my bf. Why is it stopping now Iām debating getting the birth control out (nexplanon arm implant) cuz itās made the depression and anxiety worse. Which is making the ocd bad. And itās making me panic. Should I try picturing having sex with a woman to see how it feels? Or kissing a woman? Idk anymore yāall
Hey everyone, been doing ok this week but having a little bit of a rough moment rn. So Iām about a year and a half out of college and I still have yet to a real job job. I worked for eight months somewhere which was great but I decided it wasnāt permanent. Now Iāve been unemployed for about four months and OCD is really having a field day with it. Trying to deal with it and just keep applying everyday, but I always feel like my family and friends are looking down on me and/or just plain disappointed in me. Just wanted to kind of vent and get this out of my head before I go to bed. I hope everyone is having a great week!
First, I want to apologize for any language errorsāEnglish is my second language as Iām originally from West Africa. After reading extensively online and watching many YouTube videos, Iāve come to realize that I may have been struggling with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for over ten years. It has been an on-and-off battle, but the symptoms have always returned. I experience extremely unrealistic and intrusive thoughts that seem to trigger my body into releasing stress hormones, leading to overwhelming fear. This creates a cycle that feels unbreakableālike being trapped in a deep, dark hole. My mind is consumed by these thoughts 24/7, making it hard to focus, concentrate, or think about anything positive or meaningful. This has been my reality since my undergraduate studies. Iāve spent years trying to figure out what caused it or what event may have triggered this spiral, but I canāt pinpoint anything specific. Iāve even tried writing down my educational background and history, hoping to gain some clarity, but it hasnāt helped. When I was pursuing my bachelorās degree in my home country, I often felt like I wouldnāt graduate. However, I was persistent and worked extremely hard. In the end, I not only graduated but also scored the second highest in my batch, earning a silver medal with a GPA of 3.96/4. Despite the challenges OCD threw at me, I didnāt give up. I applied for a masterās program and was awarded a fully funded scholarship to study in Germany. Even then, the intrusive thoughts were relentlessāscary and unrealistic. They made me question everything, even dragging me back to painful and frightening memories from my past. Still, I persevered and completed my masterās degree with a strong GPA. I went on to apply for Ph.D. programs and received multiple offers. Today, Iām pursuing my Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering at a prestigious school in the U.S. My first semester went well academically, but mentally, I feel like Iām losing myself. It feels like Iām no longer the person I used to be. I feel lost. People around meāmy family, friends, and colleaguesāhave high expectations of me, but inside, Iām struggling. OCD and constant rumination have left me mentally and emotionally exhausted, causing what I believe is burnout. Itās as if Iām trapped in a cycle that has detached me from reality and from my true self. Itās the worst feeling Iāve ever experienced. Today, I took a step toward addressing this by visiting my universityās health center to seek professional help and discuss possible medications. I am holding onto hope that I can recover, live a good life, and rediscover my ambitions. I wonder when it will be my turn to feel genuinely happy and free. If anyone else is experiencing something similar, please know you are not alone. Iād be grateful to connect and support each other through this journey. Thank you for reading. Love ya all.
Yesterday my ex and I had let eachother go for the second time. Iām currently at work right now. My stomach hurts so bad and I just feel this intense amount of guilt. Iām going to try and explain this best as I can so bare with meā¦ 2 weeks ago I was driving home from work and this might not be an āocdā thingā¦ maybe itās just a me thing that I have to work on, but anyways on the way home we usually talk and catch up. While I was in the middle of talking and telling her about what happend at work, her sister ended up calling her in the middle of our conversation. So she put me on hold. I have explained to her it kinda bothers me when I have to stop mid convo when someone calls or talks to her. I donāt know why, but I get annoyed and I hate that I get that way. I gotta work on that. Itās also not her fault that she got a call. She canāt plan when people call her or not. I know this sounds so childish and silly, but because I got mad, I had a messed up thought and could feel myself mouthing it. I chose to think negatively in that moment. So after having me on hold, I was so mad at myself that I thought so negatively and immediately felt this guilt. I felt like I couldnāt carry on the conversation after what just happened (me almost saying the instrusive thought.) She asked me āSorry what were u saying?ā I replied with..ā uhhh nevermind.ā The. She said, āno go on.ā I tried to hold myself together and said ācan I call u back?ā Then she said āwhat did I do?ā I said ānothing.ā And then she said ā¦āwhatās wrong?ā And I just snapped. I donāt know if any of you guys snap and your significant other when u have these āocd thoughts.ā But I made her my punching bag in that moment. I was trying to hang up calmly but she kept asking and the more I felt guilty. We didnāt talk for a couple hours and I became closed off and dry, but apologized. I just needed to get myself together cuz in my head Iām thinking āthereās no coming back from what u almost said.ā Ugh but basically she had said that she needed a couple days of space , but couple days turned into almost 2 weeks. As the days went by, I started overthinking and I had a gut feeling it was different this time. I ended up being right. I think she has told me she was initially gonna take a few days, but after talking to her therapist, she said that we donāt have to talk right away and to take time to herself. Lol I was Lowkey annoyed cuz I was like āohhhh so this was yo therapists idea huh?ā We ended up laughing about that. But sum that stuck is that my ex said wasā¦ā after this Iām done.ā If Iām honest, Iām still kinda thinking about that. I think thereās been a lot that happened during this relationship and I feel like I made her my punching bag and would lash out and would distance myself when I had those messed up thoughts. I tried my best to protect her. But during these couple months Iāve been in therapy, we have been friends. Thatās why I said āexā because itās complicated, but also because my ocd would flare up and make me second guess and I thought it would be easier to be friends so I wouldnāt second guess anything. I actually liked it because there was no pressure and we got along for a few months. She also had said something about āmaybe for right now we just need to figure things out.ā Kinda making it seem like we will talk in the future. So I called her out and said, āyou just said we were done tho.ā I donāt know, apart of me wants to think weāll talk again. We just need to focus on ourselves and Iāll miss her, but I know for right now, no relationship. I need to get better. I feel like āocdā ruined my relationship with her and drained her. Iāll admit I am a lot to handle and she really tried her best to make me feel better. I just feel so bad. Itās like everytime I would start to feel sumā¦ another thought would pop up. This is so exhausting. I feel like I donāt deserve her. What do u guys think about this situation and has anyone had similar experience ?
If you had to pick one piece of advice from your therapist, or otherwise, that made the most dramatic impact on your recovery, what would it be? For me, maybe not "the most" but something my therapist said that radically changed my mindset for the better was that OCD is not an expert on anything. It doesn't know something, literally anything, that I don't. It doesn't have a medical degee, a law degree or any other degree. It's not a theologian, an astronomer or even a psychic. OCD is a small-minded stranger who knows nothing about anything and, maybe because of that, they have something to prove. They come up to you (knowing nothing about you) and they start acting like they know more about everything, including you and the kind of person you are. Being able to remind myself that OCD is a random, unknowing (for lack of a better word) idiot and being able to reframe its intrusions through this lens and this voice has significantly helped me in being able to talk back to OCD and even to prevent compulsions before they start. Looking forward to hearing what piece of advice has helped you all the most!
My OCD has me feeling suicidal. I donāt have suicidal OCD (if thatās a thing) but I have lived with OCD my entire life, itās gotten so bad that it is unbearable. I have just right OCD, and the constant feeling of things needing to āfeel rightā is eating me up inside. I donāt want to live this way. Even when I try to live with discomfort, I physically cannot. My head will actually hurt until I get things to point of feeling right. Itās to the point where I feel as though my brain chemistry has been altered. When I do follow through with a compulsion, Iāll sometimes have dreams of those obsessions and itās so scary. I donāt know what to do. I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. But this OCD is really making that tremendously difficult. I canāt do anything for myself, nor be a support for those around me, and whom I love. I donāt know what to do anymoreššššš
One minute Iām crying over the thoughts the next minute Iām āenjoyingā the thoughts
I've been posting and commenting often, and I've developed this weird fear? Like, what if one of my posts or something I've said has made someone uncomfortable, or maybe they didn't agree, and they blocked me or just disliked me in general? It's so silly because this is a place where you should be comfortable to share anything, and there's always going to be people in life who have different opinions than you or maybe even dislike you. I know that, but I'd just hate to make someone upset or uncomfortable. I don't think I have, but... it's just been this reoccurring thought of mine. I'm also afraid of accidentally offering reassurance. I'm sure I have at some point... It began after I made a vulnerable post on here, and I felt self-conscious about it the next day. It's just been nagging me ever since. Has anyone else felt this way after posting or commenting? Just wondering, thank you! š¤
Iāve been ignoring the googling urges I get. Theyāre the strongest urges I feel. Iāve been distracting myself and going on about my life without considering them or ruminating. All for what? I had to go into a public bathroom to have a panic attack that had been building all day. Iām so sleep deprived, so tired. My sisters say I resemble sadness from Inside Out. I believe them. I feel so drained.
So i play in a band, and we were having practice, and my girlfriend was there listening to us, then this girl around our age walks in, and my head tells me to cheat on my girlfriend with her. I know i would never do such a thing. And it bothered me for days. And i ended up telling my girlfriend, and tried to explain my ocd. It hurt her and she believes that the instrusive thoughts, are my thoughts so in that, i must feel something behind them. And she feels hurt because i explained to her the obsessive part of ocd and how this thought wouldnt leave my head. And she got upset knowing that i was constantly thinking about cheating on her. I cant help but feel its all my fault. And now that she doesnt understand i feel really guilty for my thoughts and they are coming more often and worse. When i was fine for months, but my ocd always acts up right as i get in relationships, then i usually tell my spouse and tell them i cant feel guilt for my thoughts or they will get worse. And they usually just accepted it and it was easy. But with her it seems she just cant seem to understand, ive tried to explain it to her countless times, she isnt willing to do research with me to help better understand it or anything. Maybe for my first ocd issue telling her that wasnt the best idea.
TW currently Iām very in between my life continuing or not. I am a monster I am. I have become the monster that did harm to me as a child. Hereās the story. I was picking up my nephew and rocking him back and forth when I noticed I got a groinal response and felt so disgusted by it. I continued so I could put him to bed and the response continued so I stopped because itās just so disgusting that my body would respond to that. My brain is trying to tell me no you liked that , you kept going thereās more and youāve become who you feared. I know nothing more happened, I know I let him go because thatās just simply disgusting.I love him to the moon and back and would never implement such hurt but now I feel like the damage is done. He didnāt cry or anything because I was doing it, he only cried because he was fighting the sleep but he was already tired. Still , I stopped doing it and used another method to help him sleep. Anyway now I just want to end it all because of that. I donāt deserve to have a loving family or my life.
I feel so freaking scared. I know Iāll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know Iām going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc Iām still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. Iām sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I canāt do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me Iād die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
