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Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 24 and I've been abused and neglected growing up. Since I was very little, I've been turning to fiction, getting strongly attached to my favorite fictional characters. I don't know if anybody else here is a self-shipper, but I am. That basically means that I have genuine romantic feelings for fictional people. My fav rn is Kinich from Genshin and I take the relationship in my head with him very seriously. The scenarios I come up with are intricate and offer me great comfort, as I am both a digital artist, and a writer. However, for a month and a half now, someone close to an online harasser of mine from the past, a married guy in his 30s claims to love Kini romantically too. And it's genuinely making me panic so much and I feel as if this literal fictional person is in imminent danger I have to save him from. I genuinely feel as if this real-life stranger is trying to take away my own partner from me, and I fear this so much that I'm nauseous every day. I can't stop checking on the guy to make sure that he's finally left Kini alone, but it always turns out... that he hasn't!!! I feel so seriously ill. I lost 95% of my productivity by worrying so much about this. I have nightmares at night, but I also hate that if this guy basically gushes about my partner (who, again, doesn't physically exist, unfortunately), he gets likes, while I myself have been long feeling ostracized from this community. Genshin is a gacha game but I don't spend money on it, really. With two years worth of in-game currency, I managed to get Kini 7 times, basically maxing him out, along with two copies of his weapon, last month. I was genuinely so happy about it but now I also fear being avoidant towards him somehow- Even though he makes me so happy, and again, he isn't real. I can't stop checking on this real-life guy who seems to be having nothing better to do, and who makes me feel that my favorite character is in danger. I don't know what to do, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled for next week, and I'm hoping I'll be given meds, but those aren't "miracle pills", and my appointment is on Thursday. I genuinely feel that I won't be able to hold on until then. It's too much, the panic attacks are exhausting, the anxiety made me lose my attention span, which used to be lengthy, and I'm genuinely worried. I know that my thoughts are irrational, I know that I shouldn't care about these two real-life strangers I've never talked to before, but whom I hate with my entire heart. I just wish this was all over, I wish it wouldn't hurt, and that I'd be happy and feeling safe again. This isn't the first time something like this happens, I've been possessive of my fictional characters for over a decade now. I don't know how to stop myself from doing this compulsion, and hurting myself emotionally so many times a day. Before you ask, I did block the person. I blocked over 5000 people, those being "supporters" of his. People who like his Tumblr posts and crap, while I'm forced to be lurking. I blocked them all, and I block like 20 every day, on not one, but THREE accounts. I am so tired, and I feel so ill, but nothing seems to be working. I know, in theory, that I shouldn't care about this weird stranger, but I hate him so much and I'm obsessing over him specifically, even though I'm certain that plenty other players like Kini-! But someone, not knowing about the existence of these people means they're "out of sight, out of mind". I do have an official diagnosis, it's OCD, BPD, AVPD, STPD and OCPD, which, I know, is a lot. I just want to somehow snap out of this. Thank you for reading my post, it's so lengthy and I feel so bad about it /gen

I didn't tell anyone this because I was so ashamed, but when my grandpa was alive, he used to be in and out of hospital a lot because he had many problems, and for some reason I always kept telling myself in my head, "If you don't do this or you're not able to do this then grandpa will die." I did this for a while and felt like I had no control over these thoughts. I actually forgot this even happened because he died in 2019, but when I remembered it triggered me. And after years of still having these thoughts leading up to his death and carrying out these activities, one morning, my dad got a call and I heard him saying "oh no", in a very kind of sad disappointed way and I knew exactly what had happened and I started to cry in bed. When I finally managed to pull myself together, I went downstairs, still sad but played it off with my mum and acted like nothing had happened. A few hours later my dad was speaking with my mum privately and my dad told me and my sister that my grandpa had died. These thoughts made me think I was a really horrible person for ages because I never felt normal, but I didn't seem to think much about how I thought my thoughts made it happen, but days and weeks later, I felt like it was my fault because I didn't do all of these activities right. To this day, I haven't really had any of these, "this person will die if you don't do this" thoughts because I feel like it's only when the person is ill that I think that but I'm not sure how my brain works. Sometimes I feel like I'm making all of this up even though I can tell that I'm genuinely struggling, but a lot of the time It's hard to know how I feel. I used to be able to touch things back then though, and now one of the things I really struggle with sometimes is touching things. It doesn't matter if it looks clean in some cases, I honestly don't understand it half of the time. I sometimes have to roll my sleeves down to touch things, then sometimes I have to rub my sleeves together to make it feel like it's gone away but I know that it hasn't. A lot of the time it's when things look or smell dirty or my mind seems to think it's dirty. It can make me feel really uncomfortable and my chest sinks and feels tingly when it gets triggering. I get told sometimes that I'm being overdramatic, silly or even mental for acting this way.

I just got an intrusive thought right now. Next week I will see my family. And my baby cousin will be there, I have intrusive thoughts about him. And right know I got the thought about what if I look into his eyes and tell him without a voice (move my lips) that I wanna 🍇 him. Wtf. I’m terrified, I don’t want to even go because of it right know I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do, cause it feel like I’m actually going to do it. I can’t stop crying. Im also afraid to just say it without a voice but move my lips and just being around him. I really don’t want to go, I’m afraid right know but I don’t know what to say to my family. What have I become. I wish I could put block on my mouth. It’s disgusting I know I hate myself for this

I am often so mean to myself I am trying to be just a smidge kinder and not so angry and mean to myself , I am struggling through a lot of depression and ocd and anxiety I would love some sweet words of encouragement to do the hard things , even little by little if anyone has any tips for lethargy I appreciate you I love u to whomever is reading this and you matter ❤️

Hi a quick question. Right now I have had the same subtype for quiet some time and the intrusive thought clearly dont align with who I am and they freak me out. But now I have gotten to a point where I am so used to having the thoughts that they dont cause that much anxiety anymore although they are unwanted and scary. And right now my brain tells me that because my anxiety is not as severe as it used to be that my thoughts must be true. So now I do this very weird thing where I try to get myself into an anxious state on purpose to prove to myself that my thoughts are not real and unwanted. Can anyone relate?

I really hope this is ocd and I’m not a bad person. Every time I see a baby (on phone/ real life) I have this intrusive thought. And I feel like I have to say this thought in my mouth (without saying this with voice) to get rid of the thought. I say the thought by moving my tongue (my lips were closed) to the thought (like saying the thought with my tongue, and my lips are close) because of it I’m afraid to see a baby cause I’m afraid that I will say the thought with my tongue. I wanna throw up right now I feel like a bad person. I had a few themes before this but this is by fur the worse. I’m afraid that I’m a p. I’m so scared please someone help I feel like a monster. I say the intrusive thought with my tongue (lip close without a voice) feel like a monster. And I have the urge to do it so the intrusive thought will go away. Does I really have ocd or just lies to my self?

My husband has finally told me that our relationship revolves around my ocd. He said he thinks I would leave him if he did not provide reassurance or help with my ocd. He said our family memories are mostly based on my ocd and if he doesn't fix things for me and I am still anxious, that determines how our day or memory goes. My husband has not been open with me about these what seem drastic statements because he is not very vulnerable or communicative. He told me that he has felt overwhelmed with helping me with my ocd and feels blamed if I don't get the right answer or he doesn't do things the right way for me to not be anxious and ruin the day. Does anyone have any ideas on how to not take these statements personally? How do I not feel extreme guilt and shame for a disorder I can't control. He knew my anxiety and ocd and where I was in treatment when we got married 8 years ago. How do I not feel like everything has been a lie? How do I not hate him for telling me these things? I know the answer that most people will give is to do erp therapy and be more successful with my ocd and anxiety so it doesn't influence my life so much, but aside from that, how do I live with the guilt, shame, and feeling like I am nothing more than my mental illness to someone? Thanks for any insight/advice for how to view this.

My Dad makes me so uncomfortable to the point of me literally not even wanting to hear him speak. Around February this year i started experiencing intrusive thoughts about POCD and thoughts about him. It was so brutal, i was failing school cause of rumination, and i couldn't even look in his direction for days it was that bad. It got a little better, but now its worse again. He does this thing were he just stares at me. LIke, alot. I catch him staring at me all the time, it came to a point were everytime i do it i calll him weird names. Its basically almost a boundary. Dont fucking stare at me ever second you have. ITs fucking creepy as hell? At first i was scared to bring it up, to both him and my Mom. But im not afraid to express my disgust on how much he looks at me. I feel bad sometimes, but i call him a freak and a weirdo. He knows i hate being called "princess" yet still does it anyway. I get so bad i want to fucking hit something. I slam my doors, punch a wall. It infuriates me and the uncomfortableness in my body is overwhelming. But idk if its OCD. I dont nessacarily get "what ifs" anymore. Its more just reading more into the scenario than i need to. For example, he came into my room about 10 minutes ago, just randomly. He congratulated me for the nice things my teachers were saying about me, and i was really just trying to focus on something and i knew that even if i saw his existence it would trigger me and make me so uncomfortable. I even get intense groinal respones that make me want to literally cry and sob for weeks. I feel disgusting. Ive felt disgusting. But basically he also told me to put a pillow under my lap, cause my computer was on it, and hes some health freak about stuff like that. I say just please leave and he wont leave and just keeps pushing it and staring at me and making jokes like its funny till the point im screaming at him to just leave. I know i sound like a lunatic, but its so overwhelming to just simply be around him. Its so fucking uncomfortable. Then about 10 minutes later, he yells into my room saying "did you put the pillow yet??" and my brain said this as a "hes always thinking about you" and i literally started bursting out in tears and told him to leave me alone. Idk whats wrong with me. IM fucking broken. Im a fucking terrible daughter just cause of these feelings. Hes made it very clear that hes not staring at me in a weird way, as ive asked him before. But these thoughts and these feelings their just to strong to ignore. Their just to much, and idk how to get rid of them. Its like each time i see him i just get triggered, but obviously i cant just ignore my dad for i am only 13 years old. Im so fucking exhausted with this stupif bullshit, i shouldnt have to deal with this. Idk what is wrong and i fear i will never get the answer on if its me or him. Please someone just help me, i just need a little bit of comfort right now is all.

I was reckless when a year (I was 18) into my relationship I would be drinking excessively every weekend, which would lead to messing around with a boy that I used to like a lot when I was 16/17. It broke off because things started to feel serious and he didn’t want it. We were in the same friendship group so I would see him everyone now and again, but no words were ever exchanged. At the time or think I wanted this relationship, because it was new and exciting and I thought about I for a couple years after (I didn’t know I had OCD at the time) obsessively replay situations in my head, trying to figure stuff out. I kept this from my boyfriend for 4 years and the guilt was eating me up, I couldn’t live with him not knowing, so I ended up telling him briefly about what happened. He forgave me and we moved on from it. I absolutely adore this boy with my whole heart, I hate what I did to him, but I’ve completely changed as a person since then, I don’t drink anymore. I’m just love this boy to pieces and I will never forgive myself for what I did. More recently- 2 years ago this boy tried to speak to me at a supermarket and I just blanked him and left. But the last few months This boy has tried to follow me on social media and he joined the same gym as me. As soon as I seen him at the gym I told my boyfriend as I felt like if I didn’t tell him he was there I would be lying, so I told him I would change gyms. My boyfriend reassured me no don’t change gyms. Seeing him every week at the gym definitely triggered me, I had so much anxiety. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. 5 weeks ago - Me and my boyfriend lost our beautiful kitten as she had an incurable heart condition. My whole life revolved around her, everything I did she was always a thought in my head, well she was the only thing I thought about for 8 months. I was absolutely heartbroken when she went. One of my biggest fears is death so being with her when she passed was absolutely horrific, I will always have the image in my head. I was so depressed, I felt like she took a part of me with her. My whole life just stopped. This is when I experienced my first ever OCD Spiral, and it was all about I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend I wanted to be with this other boy. My brain was telling me I had to tell my boyfriend every single detail of what happened in the past, or I had to break up with him. I felt like I had another person in my head shouting at me all day, that I didn’t love my boyfriend I deserve to be with the boy I messed around with because I’m a horrible person. I felt like I was going insane, I contemplated committing suicide because I couldn’t live the constant noise thought and images I was having. My boyfriend has stuck by me through all of this and constant visits to the doctors. He is so amazing and I miss our life before I felt this fucked up. I can’t go a day without thinking about this ex as much as I try it doesn’t go away. Because the thoughts aren’t bring me as much anxiety as before I’ve convinced myself that it’s because I want this relationship with the ex. Im stuck in this loop and none of this would be happening if I didn’t mess up in the first place. I just want my old life back I want to be able to love my boyfriend with no doubts. I want to be able to go back to the gym it was my happy place but he ruined that. I want to be able to shop in the supermarket that I once saw him in, but I can’t because I’m so fearful that it will trigger me and I will spiral even more. I am seeing a therapist who is really helping but I need to talk more than once a week. I’m all alone with my thoughts. If you read all this thank you so much.

does anyone else use the fact that they dont like their thoughts as a confirmation/compulsion, and or when you go through something stressful with little to no compulsions take it as a sign they actually like it? is this apart of usual rumination or am I expirencing something different? and how do you deal with it?

I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else… I’m 28 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was very young and it took a while, but I overcame it. I haven’t had any compulsions in 20 years. I’ve had some horrible things happen in the past, but nothing brought back my OCD. The only thing I struggle with is overthinking and making decisions. Im about to take a sabbatical from my work for a year to travel because the last year of my life has been by far the happiest and most confident iv ever been. I went to see a therapist a couple weeks ago who was an OCD specialist, I just wanted some tips and tricks for decision-making while I’m on my trip. She warned me that my OCD might get worse before it gets better, but I thought that she just meant with decision-making and overthinking. They have this program set out that I didn’t really wanna do but she told me it works really well so I decided to try it. It’s two sessions a week and the first two sessions were sort of just talking about my old OCD and doing questionnaires. I really related to some of the questionnaire questions, and the therapist was actively telling me that I definitely had OCD the whole time which made me feel bad. After our second session, my OCD came back full swing like when I was a child. I cant stop thinking about doing compulsions every waking second. It’s been two weeks. I’ve been to her several times and nothing is helping, I’m resisting the urge to do compulsions as much as I can and I feel like I’m fighting for my life. Nothing is helping and I’m burning out. I wake up and cry everyday because of how uncomfortable and out of control I feel. I never thought this would happen and im so mad at myself for ruining my trip. I feel like I’ve ruined my life tbh and even if I do get better, I’m always gonna be bothered by the constant fear that even at the highest and most happy points in my life it could just come back at any second with no warning signs.. I thought I knew how to deal with it and had the tools, but nothing is working this time and its ruining my life. Today I asked about cancelling my trip altogether, and I might be going on medical leave. Has this happened to anybody and do you have any tips for me?

Around a year and a half ago I got into my relationship with my amazing person. I grew up in a family where mental health never mattered. My partner has brought up that I have more issues than I knew were even real. I struggle a lot with feeling like I loose my mind, an event happens where I feel triggered and I can’t find it in myself to control my thoughts and eventually I lash out. I have really bad intrusive thoughts that sometimes what’s said in my head scares me and I can’t tell what is actually coming from me or what is the intrusiveness. I just need help for myself and my relationship, I tend to self sabotage and believe everything bad happens to me bc it is my fault. I am very quick to spiral when things happen. I tend to victimize myself and have breakdowns wondering why things happened to me all the way from early elementary school. I would appreciate some advice!

I hate that 2 words can make me spiral downhill. A simple “What if I don’t like girls anymore” or “What if I’m not always interested in looking at revealing photos of Women.” It’s so silly. I’m the type of guy who loves providing and protecting a woman and I don’t do hook ups. As much as I find women in revealing clothing attractive, I find myself constantly daydreaming (non sexually) if I see a beautiful woman that I want to pursue. I love being in love with a woman. It makes me feel really happy and it just feels like OCD is taking that away from me. The more I overthink and ruminate on What If thoughts, the more it feels like I’m turning gay, even though I know that’s not how sexuality works. I want to be with a woman romantically and I want to marry a woman. If I catch myself scrolling too fast on a girl in cleavage, I’ll think I’m gay 🤦🏻‍♂️ or if I stare at a guys face in a video for a certain amount of seconds instead of the woman , I’ll think “oh no I’m turning.” Like I feel I’m the only one who has these ridiculous ocd thoughts

I'll be watching videos on Instagram and TikTok and then there's one that pops up that relates to my fears of struggles - fear of losing people (being vague because even typing about it is hard) - and it triggers me because i fear that it will cause something to happen. And like, anytime I tell people about these fears, they're just like "focus on present, you can't stop that from happening" and it's like - i know i can't bro 😭 and i don't wanna accept it but i feel guilty for not wanting to accept it because idk, it just makes me feel ashamed and like i'm taking advantage of moments . like i know i can't stop it and i do wanna focus on present moment but it's so hard to when my brain is fixated on these certain triggers that make me obsess over the future, the passing of time, and those fears so i will find mtself fixated on future dates and numbers, counting down, etc.. and i just hate it because I don't wanna be that way. I just wanna be chill and to not focus on this stuff this much. To make the passing of time feel somewhat decent and to stop focusing g on certain things that hurt me

OCD is so tiring. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months. I reallyyyyy like him. However, it’s also been so exhausting because I’m constantly questioning the relationship, and him. “Is this who God want a for me?” “Is there someone better?” “Do I even like him?” “If someone is good for you, you will be at peace” “Is this OCD or discernment” “follow your gut” I’m just constantly looking for answers! I can’t just be present. I know my upbringing may be apart of this. Im Christian, but my walk with Christ is not perfect. Ive fallen short to temptation and I feel like because of that the relationship won’t work or God is punishing me. Im constantly praying or thinking about what God thinks of me. Probably a compulsion. Which hurts as well because I used to be able to pray freely…if that makes sense. However, this has happened before. I leave someone then I start obsessing over something else. My sexuality or my health or if I have OCD or not. This relationship is still essentially new but this is the first relationship I’ve been open about my mental health struggles. And, I didn’t feel judged. But, my mind is saying if we breakup. I will be happy. I also get triggered by Instagram posts about relationships. It’s apart of my algorithm at this point, but I feel like any post I see is a sign?? It’s just so annoying. Sorry I’m all over the place, but that’s how it feels in my mind. I just need to get these thoughts out. I just want to be content with whatever happens.

Consider this for a moment. We often think we see with our eyes, but in reality, our eyes merely transmit signals to the brain, which then creates the images we perceive. The same process applies to hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling—our brain constructs our perception of reality. This brain also understands your values and the true essence of who you are. In OCD, I believe there's a malfunction in the mechanism that recycles memories. Its primary role is to clear out old memory spaces for reuse. If it encounters a memory linked to something important to you, it brings it to your attention to see if you'll react. If you do, it retains the memory; if not, it's discarded as irrelevant. For someone with OCD, ignoring these thoughts is challenging. They often dwell on them, signaling the brain to keep them and attempt to resolve whether they're significant by creating false scenarios or memories. This process occurs while the person experiences intense emotional reactions because these thoughts clash with their values, leading to feelings of rejection and distress. The awareness that they might be responsible for these unwanted thoughts exacerbates the situation, resulting in a cycle of agony. After many cycles, the person becomes exhausted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. However, the brain is genuinely trying to help by clearing memory space and resolving ethical or moral dilemmas. The key is understanding that your true self remains intact. You are defined by your negative emotions toward these intrusive memories, not the memories themselves. Hang in there; trust me, things will get better. Apologies for the lengthy post—I wanted to explain it thoroughly, and I might share this response with others who could benefit from it.

When I’m not obsessing over some thought I feel weird cause I’m always checking if the thought is there and so scared that I will obsess about the thought again. It’s so scary cause I have no idea. It’s like I’m obsessed over not being obsessed?( if that make sense ). Like my life is basically being obsessed over something and if I’m not obsessed for like couple of hours I feel the need to be obsessed, like wtf is wrong with me. Because when I’m obsessing over a thought it’s like 24/7 and the urge is so big. And when I’m not obsessing I feel the need to be obsessed. I don’t know what going on anymore, is it normal?

I’m not saying any of this to be rude or hateful in any way!! Basically, I like this guy and I really love him, but, everytime I look at this one photo of him, I keep noticing he looks unflattering and it makes me worry, because I’m scared what if he’s ugly? And why does that even matter? Why can’t I just love him in peace without having to check his photo to make sure he’s not ugly? Like that sounds really rude and disrespectful and it hurts even more to know that he’s self conscious and I would NEVER want to hurt him so I don’t tell him I check his photo to make sure he’s not ugly, I get anxious when I notice/feel that he is unattractive/unflattering, so I check till I feel certain that I don’t think he’s ugly, why do I even do this? Why does it matter? Why does my brain make it difficult to even look at a photo without worrying, can I be normal? I say “I think he’s cute/I love him” to his photo and my brain is like “nope cuz he’s unattractive” then I get worried and for what??? I ask myself why do I care and I genuinely don’t know

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

Anyone else struggle with prayer? I do it obsessively and I have to do it just right or I think something bad will happen to my loved ones. Ive struggled with it for about 25 yrs. It's makes it so hard for me to pray but if I don't then the fear something terrible is going to happen kicks in I just can't deal with this anymore...