How my ocd traits affected me (undiagnosed.)

I didn't tell anyone this because I was so ashamed, but when my grandpa was alive, he used to be in and out of hospital a lot because he had many problems, and for some reason I always kept telling myself in my head, "If you don't do this or you're not able to do this then grandpa will die." I did this for a while and felt like I had no control over these thoughts. I actually forgot this even happened because he died in 2019, but when I remembered it triggered me. And after years of still having these thoughts leading up to his death and carrying out these activities, one morning, my dad got a call and I heard him saying "oh no", in a very kind of sad disappointed way and I knew exactly what had happened and I started to cry in bed. When I finally managed to pull myself together, I went downstairs, still sad but played it off with my mum and acted like nothing had happened. A few hours later my dad was speaking with my mum privately and my dad told me and my sister that my grandpa had died. These thoughts made me think I was a really horrible person for ages because I never felt normal, but I didn't seem to think much about how I thought my thoughts made it happen, but days and weeks later, I felt like it was my fault because I didn't do all of these activities right. To this day, I haven't really had any of these, "this person will die if you don't do this" thoughts because I feel like it's only when the person is ill that I think that but I'm not sure how my brain works. Sometimes I feel like I'm making all of this up even though I can tell that I'm genuinely struggling, but a lot of the time It's hard to know how I feel. I used to be able to touch things back then though, and now one of the things I really struggle with sometimes is touching things. It doesn't matter if it looks clean in some cases, I honestly don't understand it half of the time. I sometimes have to roll my sleeves down to touch things, then sometimes I have to rub my sleeves together to make it feel like it's gone away but I know that it hasn't. A lot of the time it's when things look or smell dirty or my mind seems to think it's dirty. It can make me feel really uncomfortable and my chest sinks and feels tingly when it gets triggering. I get told sometimes that I'm being overdramatic, silly or even mental for acting this way.

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w

Thanks for sharing your story. It's very common for people to be hard on themselves and think they're "making things up." Personally I believe this is one of the few negative things to come from our society's increased mental health awareness. It's great that it's all being talked about more, but sometimes we treat these labels and diagnoses like badges that "allow" us to feel a certain way. As if not having a certain diagnosis means that you have no right to complain or to ask for help. I can offer my two cents based on what you wrote here, but please remember that I'm not a therapist. This is based on my own experience, my own discussions with therapists, and my own personal research. Even though I use the word "you," I don't actually know YOU at all, so I mean it as more of a general "you." These sorts of beliefs and behaviors (rolling your sleeves a certain way to touch things, avoiding anything that might be "contaminated," worrying that someone's death is your fault, etc) basically all revolve around one thing: control. This hyper-fixation on control typically stems from emotional wounds from early childhood. It could be the environment you grew up in, the dynamic you had with our parents, some sort of traumatic event that happened, or any other host of things. It doesn't really matter too much, what matters it that for one reason or another, you developed a belief that things outside of your control were somehow your fault, and that it's up to you to prevent bad things from happening to yourself or to others. The "logical" and "rational" parts of our brain don't really start to develop until roughly age 7 or so. So any mental patterns that we develop before that tend to be very illogical and primarily emotion-driven, and they are VERY deeply attached to our nervous system. That's why these behaviors feel so important to us, despite us knowing that they are completely illogical. It's very confusing as adults. So no, you aren't being overdramatic or faking anything for attention. You're simply doing what you legitimately feel like you have to do to survive. You deserve to get help, no matter what your diagnosis may or may not be.

Anonymous

Date posted: 44w

Sometime people don't understand but we should keep fighting for our best and don't think that death of your grandpa is your fault . You have no control over it . Sometime we can't accept that our every loved one will leave this world and we have to continue day again normally . There is nothing to be ashamed of this because everyone come here(world) to fulfill their purpose and leave . If in any possible way I hurt your feelings I am sorry 😔. But stay safe and think positive about yourself.

AnonymousAnx...

Date posted: 23w

My OCD experience

I’ve always had OCD, and for most of my life it was little things that seemed manageable at the time or something that would phase out of my head within a couple days/weeks/months. But, the older I got the more severe it became, I’d find myself collapsing deeper and deeper within my own head trying to out think the thoughts that bothered me. About a year ago I had a thought that rattled me to my core. My brothers and I were watching a movie in our mother’s room when my youngest brother turned to me to say something. His close proximity to me triggered a fleeting sexually explicit image in my head and that thought caused me to spiral. Asking questions like, “are you attracted to your minor brother? Are you attracted to minors? Are you gay? Etc.” a couple days went by and my mental stability continued to crumble until I broke down to my mother, she was understanding and we found a a psychiatrist. I got on medication and for a while everything was slowly but surely trending in a positive direction. The thoughts would still pop into my head but they were becoming more manageable. As we all know OCD and mental illness comes in waves. Currently my OCD has been pretty severe. I feel those intrusive thoughts latching on in my head and it’s been very hard to kick them. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself being uncomfortable being in close proximity with my little brother because I feel as though I am capable of harming him in any way. And the more uncomfortable I become being around him the more I find myself lashing out in anger towards the people I care about the most. Those moments of anger cause me to spiral even farther as my head fills with ideas like “what if you are capable of hurting someone or even murdering them?” There’s times where these thoughts rattle me so much that I feel like it would be better to be in prison where I couldn’t harm someone or that even being dead would be a better solution than possibly running the risk of hurting someone in my life I care about. This is about the jist of it, a majority of the OCD I have is centered around the idea that I am capable of harming my little brother physically, mentally, sexually. It’s been exhausting and it feels like there is no end in sight.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

A quick Vent here

I'm sry if this may make people worry or feel uncomfortable in advance! Hello everyone as u can see I struggle with ocd and I HATE IT WITH MY LIFE , it started in 2020 covid obv contamination ocd started here , I used to carry alcohol everywhere and used to wash my hands so much that it bled ( had to wear gloves to cover it so friends or family won't see it ) and everything else started since then , harm ocd with myself or friends I couldn't hold a knife..it was really hard..and I have unwanted sexual thoughts ocd , I have panic attacks bc of this..I sometimes cannot look people into their eyes and its so random and so scary..thoughts about.. 🍇..whether it's me or I'm gonna harm someone else uk..I sometimes cannot function properly.. unfortunately friends don't understand it rather think it's about " perfectionism "..I wrote those thoughts and stuff in a journal in more details ofc and doodle ( I'm scared someone will find it ) I hate myself tbh and I don't think someone will read this... I suspect I have ADHD with all this but ocd is " ur faking it " even though lots of people have hinted about it , I thought I actually killed someone for 2 years a girl..until I realized what HOCD is , I thought I faked my ocd too in fact , I have perfectionism ocd too it's bad and I HATE PURE O it's so DRAINING uk.. also idk if this has caused a problem for anyone but if y'all know the Truman show ( basically if u don't know the main character is being filmed and his life is fake and he doesn't know it ) THAT MOVIE HAS HARMED ME SO BADLY FOR YEARS that until today I have to check in the bathroom if there are cameras cuz like ocd makes me think I'm living in a fake world , I used to think people around me , everyone was like a Ai model or smth.. everytime until today I have to clean the toilet seat bc it may be dirty..I have been taking up to 5 showers a day cuz maybe I'm dirty..that's it for today tysm if u read this till the end I'd like to know ur thoughts if u got tips or have similar experiences ! 🤗 U get a chocolate bar 🍫 bc u earned it bc ik how ocd is so frustrating ( I also noticed everyone who has ocd is so nice right 😆! )

Summ3r_

Date posted: 14w

ocd about everything

I don’t even know where to start because there’s so much going on in my head and it feels like there’s so much evidence for every thought. Like my ocd feels like it doesn’t just have one specific theme it’s honestly every theme and it just switches throughout the day depending on the thoughts I have. This started all about a month ago, this whole ocd flare up. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for about 3 years now and looking back on my childhood, I feel like I’ve had it for probably my entire life. My grandpa just recently died back in February and I feel like this whole ocd spiral is a result of dealing with grief especially because it didn’t even hit me for the whole month of April for some reason and things felt “normal”. But since this ocd flare up has started I’ve been constantly reviewing and revisiting my past, all my childhood memories and so many of them are terrifying which is weird because I never had a traumatic event hppen to me as a child. I feel like it’s always been “self-inflicted” trauma if that makes sense? My mind is telling me so many things related to so many topics like maybe I liked my family member as a kid and have just hid it to fit in with society? That my anxiety as a kid has caught up with me and I’m turning into a psychopath? That I’ve always been a creep and enjoyed looking at peoples privates or chests, etc but just ignored or allowed the thought this whole time. Also before this whole flare up I remember always feeling on autopilot and not really alive like everything I did I just felt numb about it. Which aids my ocd to tell me that these feelings are real and the thoughts are true and that I’m “waking up” or realizing or something. I haven’t felt such intense anxiety and distress since I was a kid and I didn’t even understand my own thoughts. It’s like I’m either hyper aware or totally unaware of what’s going on around me and it gets me thinking about my existence, personality, what my role in life is and like genuinely what I’m even doing in the moment like what’s the reason behind everything. I’m constantly questioning my intentions because I don’t know if they’re true or not and it’s like my ocd doesn’t even allow me to consider the thought it just jumps to conclusion. Like telling me I’m guilty before proven innocent. It honestly feels like so much at once to even simply call it ocd or anxiety because it feels like a crisis and any moment I could spiral and breakdown completely. Going to school everyday feeling like anytbing could trigger a panic attack at any moment makes me feel like I can’t be left alone with my thoughts. And like overall since I got down this rabbit hole, my first obsession was harm to myself, then it was harm to others specifically my family, then it was being a pervert or pedo, or being attracted or someone or something I shouldn’t be, which then makes me question my existence and who I am along with also being hyper aware of my facial movements like my eyebrows, nose, etc. Like why does ocd have to involve itself in every aspect of my life? It feels like there’s always something wrong that I need to fix.

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How my ocd traits affected me (undiagnosed.)

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