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My brain keeps saying what if it’s not OCD and you are in denial and you are just using OCD to cover it all up…

Ever since I caught my... now-ex, I guess... having cheated, and I worked the nerve to talk to him and break it off in a surprisingly strong and boundary-concious way for myself, I have been looking at housing areas around me. I can't move out soon even if I wanted to since I want to apply for disability and that can take a year or so, I have no job and no saved up money because we used it all when he had no job/refused to get one and was hoping it would be quick and easy for him to find one (took him 4 months). I have no car so I was/am checking mover services over and over. I keep looking at the bus routes in the city to make sure the apartments that are available NOW are around them, which I know makes no sense because there is job guarantee they will be available later. Which... leads me to checking again the next day. Or later that day. All stemming from discomfort that he is just still lying even "just as roommates" and it is a trigger for my ROCD even without being in a relationship anymore. I am so frustrated. This would be my first time moving out on my own. The uncertainty and fear and distrust here is eating at me but I have no friends or family to go to so, I'm just... stuck.

When you wake up and start actively thinking and worrying about it all, you're bringing it all into your head. Like they aren't intrusive anymore. You just think about them and worry, with me just thinking "oh my god, I'm g..." like I've convinced myself. But I don't want to have convinced myself. Worrying all this thinking is gonna be in my head all day. I feel anxious. Does anyone recognise this?

Do compulsions change? The onset of symptoms started a month ago and since then I’ve been diagnosed 3 times with ocd. 3 times because my anxiety got so bad that I was a psychopath that I had to make appointment after appointment with therapists/psychologist. Not even a psychologist telling me I wasn’t a psychopath was enough. Ig making the doctors appointments was a compulsion. Since I obtained these three separate diagnoses for ocd it seems to have calmed me. This is weird and now I’m doubting I have ocd. My day is still bombarded with thoughts and I believe I still have a compulsion but it’s not like I used to do. I used to Google 6+ hours daily when I was in my worst phase of it. I’m productive now but am avoidant of anything that has to do with serial killers, violent crimes on the news, and even some words that trigger me because they’re related to my themes. My most obvious compulsion or at least I think it it’s a compulsion is shaking my head and saying no either out loud or in my head. I do this subconsciously now when I do almost anything. I’m just used to it and I do it especially when the thoughts hit or if I’m triggered by anything I mentioned above. I doubt I have ocd because I’m not consumed and impaired like I was a few weeks ago because of it. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to that because it would ensure that it was just ocd even though it was hell and at one point had me thinking about suicide.

So I just did the DOCS assessment my therapist assigned me after my first appointment and I got a low score on on it (14) which means I don't have OCD. Did this happen to anyone else? I finally thought I knew what was wrong with me and that ERP therapy would work, but now I'm worried that my therapist won't be able to work with me or that my thoughts actually mean I'm a terrible person because I don't have it.

I’ve posted on here about recently losing my cat. When I get really upset and cry about her not being here anymore, I have thoughts that I’m not actually upset and it’s just an act. I know it’s not, she was my baby and I miss her and love her more than anything. These thoughts are so horrible, how do I make them stop😞

Something just isn’t right. I used to be different, attracted to much older men and guys in general, and it felt good to be gay. And I used to be completely against pedophilia, cause I know it’s wrong, that should be a universal thing, and these thoughts haven’t always been as present as they are now. But now, it’s the complete opposite. It’s like me being a pedophile is all that exists in my head. I feel like no one gets it and keeps basing it on their own experiences and OCD in general when it’s not that easy. I keep having these thoughts and while yes I may react negatively I think I’m just trying to do that to avoid actually acknowledging that I may just like these things. I mean I can never enjoy myself sexually without thoughts of kids or literal infants show up in my head. How I could become this person? I believe it’s because I was exposed to a lot of sex and porn when I was younger and I gained some kind of sex addiction and now I can’t enjoy sex like I used to cause I need something different to get off. Makes sense to me, so Idk how anyone can “reassure” me when this sounds like the logical explanation behind everything. And yes, an OCD specialist told me I have OCD, but misdiagnoses can happen. I just am this person. Do I want to do these things? No, I know better, but if I really had OCD these thoughts wouldn’t feel like they’ve become my entire identity and who I really am. Who I used to be is gone and now it’s this. There’s nothing I can do to change that.

Why is it making me think I like these things, when I don't, just because I'm not disgusted by them? And I think this person is nice, if a bit odd, but because of that, it's telling me I must like her and I'm getting a response that feels real, all because of the way I'm assuming they look at me, and makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not shying away from it. (But anything that seems remotely sexual with anything sends off things in me, like sexual disturbing things and makes me think I like them too because they seem sexual. Same with kids). But I don't want it but, my god, it feels so real. It's messing with me, it's going "you like her." And I'm not always fighting it, which brings on more response, which makes me more convinced and then it gets persistent. I've never had anything like this. Please does this sound familiar?

Lately my intrusive thoughts are centered on my kids. Why is ocd coming for what is most precious to me?? This is so painful and the hardest i’ve ever had to deal with. The more I tell the ocd it isn’t true the more it tries to make me feel that it is. I can’t live like this😢

So I just downloaded this app to see if it could help. For the past few years I’ve been wondering if I have OCD. I know I should ask to talk to a therapist about it but I’m too scared to ask my parents because I don’t want them to think I’m broken. I got put in school therapy a few months ago for my depression and anxiety but I was too scared to tell her about my intrusive thoughts because I didn’t want to be told that I’m insane pretty much. Forgive me, I don’t know the names of the different ocd types, but pretty much this is what I experience: constantly throughout the day I have thought that I’m secretly a pedophile and these might be the worst ones. I have had really bad thoughts I’ve had for months now is that there’s a person or an entity under my bed so I physically will not stand within a foot of my bed because I seriously believe that a hand will come out and grab my ankle or that I’ll see eyes. This thought has been affecting my sleep for weeks now too because if I don’t have my sleep mask I think I’ll look up and see a person. The reason I don’t know if it’s OCD or not is because I don’t really have any physical compulsion. It’s mostly I just have to scream over the thoughts in my head and tell myself to please stfu. A big thing I struggle with is I think really bad thoughts and I can’t stop no matter how much I want and I get so so so scared that I’m going to manifest it by thinking about it too much and then I can’t stop thinking about it even more. Another thing is that I’ve had a few different periods throughout my life where I was so scared to be near my dad because what if he was a pedo??? I’d heard so many crime stories about that but the thing is I love my dad and I know that it’s not true, like I know it for 100% that it’s not right or true but I still think it and dwell on it for no reason. I also have a really bad thought because I have almost no memory of my childhood for no reason, like I can’t remember anything specifically traumatizing that would cause it but because I don’t remember it i get really caught up on the idea that I could’ve been m0lested or something by a family member and I just can’t remember. Another one I struggle with is with my sexuality. I’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality since 8th grade (I’m in 11th now) and I settled on lesbian a while ago but the reason I have barely come out to someone is I feel like I’m a big faker and I am constantly second guessing myself and I just can’t stop thinking what if I come out to everyone and then in a year I realize I don’t even like girls and then I just solidified the horrible stereotype of sexuality phases and now I’m a horrible person??? But I know it couldn’t be that because I’m sure I like girls? There was also a period where I genuinely was worried I was trans even though I didn’t feel like a man at all and my whole world was crashing because I kept thinking what if I actually am and then I have to go through rhat whole process and everyone will hate me. Another thing is I love to clean and when my home is cluttered I feel like I can’t think and I feel like I’m going crazy but that might not be related to this. Anyway that’s only a fraction of my thoughts I have so many I can only remember a few but is it actually OCD? Should I talk to someone about it? Or am I just being dramatic? Sorry for this whole thing but I have no one to talk to about it

How do I get over when you do something wrong and get “punished” but u cant keep obsessing about it? Like you’re omg that was wrong of me, why didn’t I just do the right thing? Imma tell yall. Don’t judge lol. But it’s a very popular crawfish place in my town, and it’s at a gas station building and beer hectic. The lines are usually a mile or 2 down the street. There’s a side street that’s near the front and it’s a light and the first time, a guy let me cut In front of him. We went today and tried to see if somebody would let us cut and we tried but they got mad and told the place and they told us they weren’t taking our order since we cut lol. I felt so bad and stupid. I can’t stop obsessing over it. Help

I’m newly diagnosed with ocd. My theme has morphed since my symptoms started. I keep having reoccurring thoughts and images of documentaries and shows about serial killers/mass murders that I’ve watched in the past before all this and it never bothered me. When I get the thoughts I feel like it means that I’m gonna be just like them and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Yesterday it hit and all I did was sit on my living room couch, look at the wall, and do this tic thing I’ve done. I shake my head and either say no out loud or in my head. When I wake up I start to do this and continue to do it throughout the day with or without the thoughts. To me I feel like if I don’t do it then it means that I don’t have OCD. I feel like I’m faking all of it and it’s just an excuse to cover the fact that I’m truly like these people. I constantly see mental images of the faces of these killers and all I feel is pure dread. I look back to every mistake I made as a kid and think it proves that I’m a psychopath and that I’m absolutely ruined as a person. I keep thinking that I fake being a good person even though it’s genuinely who I strive to be no matter how I feel. I keep doubting every interaction or nice deed I’ve done for people and keep thinking it was all fake and it’s not me. I love seeing people happy and well and I’m so confused. I’m worried I’m being lured back to the phase I was in 3 weeks ago. I was in so much fear over this stuff I wasn’t eating, sleeping, socializing. The only thing I did was wake up, immediately get hit with the thoughts, Google, and repeat. My only break was when I was asleep. I love to sleep now for a reason. My dreams are normal and the thoughts/images aren’t there. Sometimes my dreams felt so real then I woke up and was hit with the reality (thoughts). At a point I agreed with myself that if any of these thoughts about harm/being a serial killer was true then I’d just end my life before I ever did anything to anyone. I don’t wanna die but if I’m really this horrible of person then I’ve got no good reason being here. I’ve been doing better than that for the past week or so but it still is there in my mind. When I start to feel optimistic or looking forward to something then it comes in. I love to cook and do crafts and when I do that stuff it tends to come in and I end up not finishing what I start. At times it comes down to getting dressed. When I find things I’d like to wear I sometimes get a thought or “voice” that goes something like “this is the outfit you’ll wear to commit a murder”. I’m so sick and tired of this stuff. When I go out it’s like “have your fun now but when you get back you’re gonna kill ur family and then go to jail for the rest of your life so enjoy your last day of freedom”. I feel like a narcissist or something writing this because I feel like I don’t have ocd because I’ve been doing better and don’t have the anxiety I used to over the thoughts. I’ve been diagnosed by 3 professionals including a psychologist and still can’t believe it because there’s times where I’m still productive and stuff. It’s still there but as of the past week it’s not as bad as it was three weeks ago. I just wish I could wake up and it just been over. I miss who I was 2 months ago before all of this started. It happened overnight on a vacation I was on and ever since I feel like a different person. I at times look to pictures of myself and life before all of it started. I miss it. Idk if my intrusive thoughts now about documentaries and shows about serial killers are even ocd. I’m freaked out. It keeps making me think I’m gonna do the horrible things they do even though I’d rather die before I hurt anyone. I HATE THIS!!!

OCD is excruciatingly painful. I don’t think any other forms of torment on earth can rival it, except maybe schizophrenia-type disorders or physical torture. I have come a long way from where I started. I don’t believe I have OCD, as it is clinically defined, anymore (though some experts might disagree). I no longer have any intrusive thoughts. I have the silence and freedom in my mind that I always wanted—but never could attain before. But I remember the days when the thoughts ran like wildfire through my brain, each thought scarier than the last—the never-ending, repeating sentences that were like frightening music 🎶 that never shuts off. Only people who have experienced these thoughts can understand the mental pain and anguish. Even on the other side of the disorder, where I am now, the OCD still haunts me every day. It’s mostly in the background, but I can always feel its shadow. The roots of perfectionism and fear still run very deep. Every day, as I work on further recovery, I find that I am peeling back more and more layers that I didn’t even know were there. I understand everyone who says they despise their OCD. I find it hard to convey to other people the amount of pain this disorder causes. But every day now I have an opportunity for joy if I choose it. And I love that. Some days are mostly normal. I can almost forget about the OCD for hours at a time. I always sleep in peace, even my naps. And even though every day has significant OCD-related struggles, I also know that every day I am getting better.

Hello, this is my first post. I'm Mag (or Maggie) and I'm 24. I have OCD. Last few months it has been really tough. I finally sought help a month ago (I was diagnosed with it for a year already but didn't receive treatment). After an assessment, I was told that in my case it is highly recommended to start with medication. This terrifies me. I am terrified by the thought of medication changing who I am. On another hand, I am barely keeping it together. I cry a lot. I obsess so much and the compulsions barely make it better anymore. I am unable to feel normal anymore whenever I'm home, alone with my thoughts. I feel sick a lot. I'm exhausted all the time. Yet the medication somehow still seems scarier than all this. I don't know what to do.

I see a lot of people posting the same posts here (myself included at one time) to get reassurance. but there is a sad truth here: no one can help you but yourself. the only thing that will help you is therapy and acceptance of uncertainty. you are literally fighting your brain and you will NEVER win. There will never be enough reassurance for you and yet you can't accept the worst case scenario. there are even people who post the same thing in order to draw people's attention to their posts. but it won't happen. you are your own worst enemy, you are your own best friend, you get to choose whether to be enemies with yourself or friends.

This is about pornography addiction. Back when I was still greatly suffering through it, I remember watching videos I shouldn't have when I was a lot younger. It genuinely did have an effect on my well being and it made me act out in ways no kid should. No kid should be exposed to these things for that matter. I keep focusing on this one time where I made a taboo search about all something and it had the word "lil" in it. After I did this I just started crying badly because of how much of a problem this was for me but now I'm getting thoughts that are saying I did this because I wanted to see kids and that's really scary because I don't want to do that. I really don't want to believe that and I would not want to do that to myself. I didn't see anything inappropriate when that happened from what I remember but I just want stop thinking about these two sides of the event. I think I was around 18 at the time. Something like this also happened when I saw this really disgusting playlist on YouTube that had children in it and creeps saving videos. I couldn't believe it to be true so morbid curiosity came in and when I went through them they were very real and it was very disgusting. I remember freaking out about this so much and I couldn't calm down for that night. It was terrible. I hated that so much. What really scares me about that is before I found this I was watching videos that were fine but just when everything was coming to an end that playlist came up in the midst of it and it made me feel absolutely disgusting. I just hate how much porn messed up my life and I wish I could take it all back. I still get haunting memories of it every single day one way or the other and I'm never at peace with it fully. It always messes with my mind and I can't let it go because of uncertainty. I also hate that through my addiction, I've seen very questionable content without even trying to look for it, which I can't stand. I hate that shit so much. I make specific searches that I find reasonable but even still bad things show up regardless. I just feel disgusting about this completely and it's one of several things that has always kept my self esteem very low. I don't know what to do.

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

I’ve been suffering with pure ocd for the past 8-9 months with ups and downs, which has been impacting everything, I’ve tried my best to convince myself to identify that they’re only thoughts and don’t define me, but the fact their pure and I just have mental compulsions is so draining, I feel like I can’t take this anymore, and the doubt that comes along with it is so bad, I’ve also been on meds which haven’t helped at all, still feeling depressed and anxious all the time. Yesterday, I read how someone having was having thoughts regarding kids, I now fear that I’ll get the same which I really don’t want and now just constantly ruminating over that, im constantly just worried about my future, career and relationships as I’ve always wanted to do a lot of things in life, and the past year has been hell for me, I dunno what to do anymore? I’ve got a month till I’m seeing a private therapist, does this ever get better , I just wanna be myself again without these thoughts bothering me all the time and that feeling of having to be scared of them coming into my mind, and not having to life with the doubts. I also get thoughts of ending it all, but that’s now what I want but I feel so trapped in my own head. Please does anyone have advice, I’ve tried everything, meditation, medication, trying to convince myself it’s just my mind, but I can’t stop the worry and just accept the intrusive thoughts without feeling so distressed.

This is going to be a long post so to anyone who will read it and will share feedback, thank you. I’ve realized I’ve lost all respect for myself. When I was 14 years old I experienced my first ever intrusive thought. I was with my childhood friend whose dad passed away when we were babies. I had a thought that I hope he went to hell and if he were alive, I’d rape him. As a 14 year old kid that really scared me, and the thought still scares me to this day. I’m 22. I researched my symptoms and of course, OCD popped up. I went through many therapy sessions, and I finally got diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago. I’ve had a really bad confessing problem that whenever I have an intrusive thought, I HAVE to confess it to people, especially if the thought is specifically about them. My childhood friends mom found out I had this thought about her dead husband and basically pushed me out of my friends life to “protect her” that if I were to ever tell her, her mom would make sure her daughter never spoke to me again. This happened about a year ago, and to this day I believe subconsciously it has stuck with me because of the fact that I made someone so uncomfortable that they had to push me out of their life. Especially since they were people who have known me since I was a baby. I’ve started using alcohol and other substances to numb this pain that I endure. My OCD has even started taking over my new relationship. He thinks I’m perfect in every way and I just can’t seem to believe that. I’ve already gotten fears that I’ve cheated on him and or will cheat on him in the future. He’s one of the most precious people I have ever met, and though I have already told him a few of my intrusive thoughts and have explained to him what I go through, I feel as though if he found out about other thoughts I’ve had that he would cut me off completely, just like other people have in the past. I can’t help but feel like a terrible person and friend for all the thoughts I’ve had. I never thought I’d be in this situation where I’m experimenting new substances and getting drunk every weekend. I’ve really failed and not sure what to do at this point. I don’t feel I deserve to be happy or take care of myself. The situation with my friends mother is a prime example.

So I’m going to try and make this short. Is anyone experiencing there brain thoughts or even themselves thoughts like this “I have been through this 3 times before in my life, I know exactly how to fix it. However, I think my brain knows I’m trying to trick it with ERP or ACT therapy.” Idk, like I know exactly how to fix this episode of OCD as I have had three previous relapses in my life. However, I’m scared and terrified that my brain is just smarter than me. Like idk if this makes any sense. I’m terrified that I will never get out of this. Then when I think like this, like I start to remember everything that has happened since my first ever episode, like have always experienced these symptoms and I just ignored them? Have I always just been like this? Was I happy when I wasn’t or was experiencing this? It so hard to explain. Like I’m not scared, but I am, I’m more frustrated and annoyed, but also sad. Idk I feel like I’m losing it. I talk to myself out loud to gain some confidence, but then I question like don’t crazy people talk to themselves, but I can’t be crazy because I’m aware that I’m talking to myself. Idk I feel alone, like I’m going to be like this forever. Like I will never outsmart my brain. It’s just weird. Also not to mention like literally everything triggers me. Everything. I suffer with DP/DR, so every conversation or action I do my brain just questions everything! Literally everything. Idk what to do. Can anyone relate to this?