Kickstart your recovery journey with a caring community of others
working to conquer OCD
I’ve never really been one to take meds but I just started Prozac today and I’m scared I will become dependent on them. And the parts of me I most enjoyed about myself will disappear and I’ll be someone I don’t know. I don’t want the thoughts to continue any longer. I just want peace and quiet
Hi everyone. I just want to vent because I am struggling with OCD so badly in a way that I haven't in a really really long time. Like doubting my memories and wanting to check/repeat movements and actions Ii make sure I don't touch things that I feel are contaminants. I haven't been like this in 3 years. It's hard to be back. It's scary. I know I can do it but god I'm so deeply frightened. I've always had a chaotic life, and it's been a really hard year with everything going wrong on top of it...but I think what set this flare up off is my relationship of 9 years (with someone I've known and loved since I was 17, and I'm 34) coming to and end and realizing that despite my efforts to heal this relationship....it is good that it ended because it was emotionally abusive. Like classic gaslighting, manipulating to meet boundaries, and constantly insulting me and me not noticing because of my trauma emotional abuse. I'm devastated to have both come to this realization and knowing I have to leave this behind because repair is not possible due to where my ex is at in this point of time. When we were together, our love seemed like the most certain thing in the world. I thought she was going to be the rest of my life, and I looked forward to being with her. I would always tell myself that no matter what happened in life I would have her...and with all the crazy awful bad luck things I had going on in my life she was a beacon of hope. It's so hard to lose that and to have to start all over again, working a scary job I hate and living alone in a home where i witnessed a violent death. Everything is so uncertain and scary and I know that one of the many (knowable and unknowable) reasons my ocd is flaring up is because I am trying to protect myself and trying to find certainty in the face of the unknown. I just feel so trapped and scared. Like my life will never get better and I'm doomed. It's so hard to wake up at 5 am to fight the urge to go in and out my front door to make sure I'm not touching the item I'm scared of contaminating me and feeling like if I do touch it....I'm dead. It's over. Theres no way to clean or repair it. That there's no coming back. I'm just really really really scared. It's scary to doubt my memories and perception again. I know it's because of stress and change and grief...but it's so hard. I've been doing ERP, inner child work, mindfulness and meditation and they help but it's still so frightening and they don't always help for long before I start getting scared and spiraling again. I know I have to go through this process and I know it will help me heal from the abuse....it just seems impossible and frightening and hopeless. I'm trying so hard to not give up and I am reminding myself that I've done this before and I can do it again and again. Please send good vibes
IDK WHY I HAVE THIS FEAR and even if i know that this is not logic im still scared that im a psyhopath like omg im so scared how do i get over this im so scared this fesr hase been here for 2 months does anyone have advice?
I’ve been having better weeks recently. Weekends are still a struggle for me but I’m pushing through and each week they are getting easier. I went out yesterday and had a few drinks with my partner it was lovely to have a laugh and get a little drunk. I usually avoid alcohol because I’m always scared of how I’ll feel the next day. Today I’m a bit anxious thoughts are swirling around but to be honest I just keep agreeing with them. I.e. “Ah yes maybe that is true” I’m not arguing with my head. I’ve been conducting my own erp which to be honest has been hard and has lead to me crying afterwards. A game changer for me in my recovery process is talking to my mum and fiancé about what is going on with me and the thoughts I have had. Part of the shame was the fact I hid these thoughts and feelings for so long. 7 years in-fact. I buried them deep down! Now it’s not a secret anymore it’s out there if my ocd gets bad i know there is someone to turn to, someone to talk to! They are great at not reassuring me, which is annoying sometimes but for me necessary which is amazing! From being a little girl my I was never career orientated, I mean I want a good job but it wasn’t my main ambition. For me my dream was to get married and have children. I was so shy as a teenage and would get these intense crushes on boys (looking back probably obsessions) I would just want to be with them, day dream about having a boyfriend. I was a bit of a later bloomer compared to my friends and didn’t get my first boyfriend until the age of 15. He wasn’t particularly nice to me and as a woman now I can see how that damaged my self -esteem. Fast forward 5 years I meet my now fiancé at 20 after having my first ocd breakdown at 19 which was in relation to sexual orientation. Before this the idea of me being potentially gay or bisexual never crossed my mind. I became plagued with intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature. I began to think I was attracted to my friends and that I couldn’t be around them. I thought I was lying to my new boyfriend and using him because I hadn’t told him about these thoughts. These thoughts have plagued me for all of my 20’s. At no point was I aroused by them it was the opposite. I tried to seek help several times and I just couldn’t be honest and open because I thought my therapist would confirm my worst fears “I was gay or at least bisexual” At 26 my boyfriend became my fiancé. We bought our first home 6 months prior. I went into a state of panic and shock. Questions began to whirl around my head “Is he the one?” “Do I love him?” “What if I am gay and I haven’t figured it out yet” “what if we get married and I figure it out then and I’ve trapped him into a marriage with me” This was the moment I realised I cannot avoid this anymore I lost 3 stone in weight was unable to sleep, eat, I got signed off from my job it was awful. I had therapy but it wasn’t overly great and I’m back on a waiting list but I am getting better. I’m not avoiding triggers however uncomfortable they make me feel. My life is moving forwards, I’m getting married next year, I’ve booked my venue, I’m getting small glimmers of excitement for the future. The future I’ve dreamed of! I’m not weird, disgusting or manipulative I’m not hiding my “true self” I’m someone who has suffered with a very misunderstood mental health condition for nearly a decade. If anything I’m strong, I’m courageous, I’m resilient and I can and am getting better! Go me!! 💕
Hi all, I’m planning to start anti depressants for OCD just wondered if anyone has found this effective with intrusive thoughts? I’m scared if once they have worked I go off them and have a relapse?
Hi all, my name is Ryan and this is the first post I am sharing on this app. I struggle with a lot of forms of OCD, as I’m sure many of you do as well. My first memory of experiencing OCD symptoms was when I was 2.5 ish. However I did not get formally diagnosed until I was 25 after the OCD becoming debilitating during 2020. I got prescribed medicine then. It helped a bit but while on it I still experience symptoms. I feel like medicine silences the irrationality a bit. But it’s always still there. I’ll be honest I don’t like taking medicine. I don’t like the way it makes me feel, how it numbs some things but intensifies others. When I have gone off my medicine for one reason or another my symptoms definitely intensify. I am currently off and strongly considering starting again because OCD is starting to control my life again. Since I went without medicine for 25 years of life it’s so hard to justify taking it. I sort of feel guilty, like I was able to do it without before. My OCD has gotten worse throughout the years but I also remember some really hard times before I was diagnosed and I got through it. I wish there was a better option. The medicine isn’t perfect but it’s something. It’s a constant struggle for me.
I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??
Why must my OCD always make up the scariest scenarios to torment me with. Some guy was hitting on me on reddit and the convo didn't get far before I just blocked him but now my OCD is like 'he's gonna be mad and DOX YOU/STALK YOU' huh??? how did we get here?? now I wanna compulsively delete my account .. These new meds better kick in fast T-T
Everything is triggering my ocd thoughts right now. It started very quickly the other day. I’ve tried all the relaxation techniques and little therapy techniques. I don’t know how to get out of it. Anyone know how to make them stop. Or like how long this anxiety and stuff is gonna last for
I don't know what to do or how to stop this : ( if anyone has advice please, please let me know! It's happening to me that whenever I watch/read TV at night, get into an argument with a loved one, or haven't talked to them for a while I start to have intrusive thoughts/images that they're gonna get fatally hurt. For example, about seven months ago I had a car accident. I don't think I was left necessarily traumatized, but rather every time I have (the previously mentioned) intrusive thoughts I begin to reimagine my loved ones in that same (or similar) situations... and no matter how much I try to NOT acknowledge them...they often lead me to having anxiety or panic attacks. The only way that I seem to be able to stop these intrusive thoughts is by sleeping it off… but then that leaves to lack of productivity throughout the day and affects my life… I try my best to not give in into compulsions…especially because I also have dermatillomania so I KNOW that if I DO give in…it’ll end up bad. I’ve tried writing things down to see if it helps to calm me down. Although that did work for a while, I’ve started to feel/think that if I write my thoughts down they’ll increase possibility of actually happening :( so I’ve stopped doing that for a while now. I don’t know what to do anymore!
Yesterday I was checking the freezer in case a stray kitten might have get stuck inside of it, I did so because the night prior I had fallen asleep while my parents were making food and I feared my snoring might have distracted them while they were picking up something to cook from the freezer not paying attention if a stray kitten entered it. But as I was finished checking I realised I had to wipe water from the melted ice from the freezer because my mom would have noticed it and thought I had rummaged through the freezer and checked it herself, and since she would have opened it because of me, there was a chance once again a kitten could have entered the freezer because of me so I would have to go check it again. I didn't wipe it good enough in my opinion before they got back from work, as I refused to go wipe more water after having spent nearly half an hour checking and wiping, at this point I had wiped from the freezer to the hallway, always thinking I had displaced more water further and further, worrying a single drop would cause her to check the freezer. The process to check the freezer takes a while because I have to hold my tablet to record the entrance of the freezer to see if a kitten has come close all the while removing every item from the freezer and recording inside with my phone, and replacing every item while rotating it to see if a kitten isn't on it, which can take upwards of half and hour each time, not counting the wiping of water afterwards. I feel like crap now cause it's been a day since it happened and I forced myself bot to go check the freezer again but now since I felt a tiny bit of "pleasure" not wiping what I thought would be a tiny drop of water before my parents came back home, I feel depressed and can't enjoy my hobbies which feel corrupted now... It's hard to explain...
Anxiety is causes me to loop back to negative thoughts about my sexuality. I have had a gay experience when I was a young teen/preteen. Can’t remember the exact age and don’t remember every detail. It’s not something I would pursue or try again. Since then I’ve had multiple girlfriends I’m 31 now. I have a son but these thoughts don’t come when I see a man or even a sex scene with a man. It tends to just pop up the worse times are at night before bed when I’m completely alone. I use to have a bad porn addiction or have one still it’s been a full week sense I’ve done PMO. Of course usually I’d smoke weed and then PMO. Now without it my anxiety is high. I question if I’ll even be able to get hard with a woman, what if I changed and now I’m just not interested in women? What if I used porn to avoid being gay? I’ve never had these thoughts before and never watched gay porn until I developed this SO-OCD. Then i did watch gay porn on two different occasions to see if I would get any sort of arousal. Eventually I would just lose interest but it would also lead back to me watching regular porn and getting turned on and most of the time I caved and did PMO. I’ve fought the urge to do that and have been trying to just sit in my doubt watch some tv, using different show to rewire my brain away from being so over sexualized. Because even tho this happens when I’m alone it also can happen while watching tv. I’ll envision them being sexual. I never pictured myself in these situations until someone asked if I could see myself doing it. That’s when Id get super uncomfortable and nauseous almost like I gotta do something I truly don’t want to but someone is forcing me to do it. An image appears and my mind says well you can see it. That means you’re gay. Trying to do any of this without reassurance is the hardest part. Sometimes I self reassure and have to catch myself. But letting go seems similar to me saying fuck it and having a drink that I don’t want to have. Like I might be capable but I don’t want it
I didn’t have any female desires before this. I was so happy with my bf and only wanted him. Now it truly feels like I’ve been lesbian all along though even though I don’t really feel like I’d be truly happy with a woman. I was just with my bf right now and I felt nothing. I tried to picture a life with him in the moment and I felt nothing, I look at him and feel nothing. but after that and watching him leave, I just started sobbing. My heart feels like it’s in my throat, my eyes won’t stop burning, I cant even breath right. Watching him leave felt like a goodbye. It really feels like I have to break up w him and tell him what’s going on and I don’t know what to do. I know I love him so much and before all this I had no doubts that he was my best friend and my partner and everything. The one person who truly felt like home and now even though I’m still not even sure if this is ocd or not, or if I’m gay or not I feel like I have to break up with him. I feel like I have to tell him. I feel so guilty that he’s with me and I’m feeling like this he deserves so much better.
Hi! I'm Elle. I'm a writer with NOCD. I have OCD myself and as I research and interview clinicians for the articles I write, I am constantly learning new language for things I've experienced but didn't know words existed for. Let's talk about intrusive experiences!
Why does false memory always pick on situations that are so far in the past? Mine literally came to me 6 whole years after a drunk night out that I couldn’t stop obsessing about. The scary thing for me is the real detail in my false memory that my ocd is now saying is ‘evidence’, my therapist keeps saying that the ‘evidence’ really isn’t evidence and deep down I think I do know that but for me it’s the real details that keep me hooked. It’s like how can ‘this’ be real but ‘that’ not be real if you get me? It’s all so confusing and my brain hurts. The brain is a wild thing.
I posted about this yesterday but I feel like I’m in an extremely obsessive cycle right now. So basically I started college and moved into dorms. My roommate and I were cool at first then began to experience some issues. Mainly codependency on both ends. So I pulled back to regain control of my emotions and also to make better decisions since I don’t want codependent friendship. I did this with the help and guidance of my therapist. I have also been in therapy for almost two years. So today, my friend seems bothered in class bc she has her nursing cohort in class and Idk if she wanted to go talk to them rather than me or what she wanted to do but she usually says bye to me after class and she just got up and left. Which was odd to me. She then was super silent later in when she got home to the dorms so I asked if wverhtbing was ok she said yeah and said she had a headache. While that may be true she hadn’t been quiet toward me or like that in the past. So anyways I’ve been in an obsessive cycle of trying to “find answers” as to what’s wrong with me and why I struggled in friendship my whole life. Why I’ve chosen some unkind friends before. I have searched the internet up and down trying to figure out what is “wrong with me” and see if I’m unliksble or if there’s traits that need “fixing” so I can be liked better. This also enables me to go into perfectionist mode and remind myself of all the flaws I have and try to fix them. It’s exhausting and tiring. I’ve done some major work on myself in therapy these past two years and have actually made drastic changes, yet I still sometimes feel like why haven’t I mad decent good friends, and why am I feeling like a bad person all the time even when I’ve improved a lot of things. Any advice. Is this a compulsion?? I feel like it is bc my brain freaken hurts and I feel like I am looping. I got home around 4:30 today and have been on the intnernt for four hours searching smh.
I just had my first therapy session today, it went well, but I’m curious if anyone else often feels slightly overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings when it’s over. It kind of feels like it triggers my obsessive thoughts a bit. I’m not sure if this is part of the process or not. I’m just scared therapy won’t work or will make my thoughts feel worse and more real.
So me & my gf are taking a break & i dont blame her. i confessed to her my intrusive thoughts because i felt bad when in reality im realizing this was ocd. She felt like i didnt love her for days after that. we have decided to go on break. she only seems to care ab my mental health genuinely when im saying something about our relationship. but then again she said if i need time alone i can take that. then she said she loves me too much & she wants me to seek help but bro😐 how when i cant even afford it. it kinda pisses me off idk. i don’t think she cares about my mental health as much as she states🤔 or maybe thats ocd speaking? idk im still trying to understand this shit. help pleaseeee
Im doing this for a while now and i always realize that im doing a compulsion cause i try to avoid reacting and i send more anxiety to my mind. Or i trying to refocus on what i do too hard which is also a compulsion cause then im fighting to put my focus here and im sending the message to my mind that focusing on that things is bad, so it sends me more. The other thing i hate to hear is "this doesnt matter, its not a big deal" like respond like this... if i could say "this doesnt matter" i wouldnt have ocd. Ofc i rumminate cause its important to me. Its just stupid. Trying to not respond or react to the thoughts became a compulsion for me, i do it in a state of fear. And idk what to do, please share youtr advice if you have one
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
