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the NOCD Community

how did y’all resist confessing things and reduce feeling that nasty deep pitted guilt and shame?

Since im working in a christian band(as a backstage helper and now am also managing the social media platforms of that band) i noticed that since than i became really hard on myself on the things i can do and not. I have that "in that position i shouldnt do certain things, cause i have responsibility, i dont want to ruin the name of that band" and this gave me so much pressure. I want to work as a christian song writer, i would like to write non christian songs too, and this is where the problem begins. Now i have this "only God" mentality, that for us christians everything should be about God, some worldly song are bad cause its against God, love songs are bad cause its lust and this is just about songs, but ive fallen into this rabbit hole that everything that its not about God its against him. Im so afraid that in my position as christian i will show a bad picture and thats a big pressure. So i will share what happened. With my friends we have fun by writing worldly songs, like parodies, we making fun of what todays worldy music is about (not every just some rap, pop music), how the songs doesnt have any value, its about money, how much money i have, girls, evers girl wants us for the money, i have luxury cars, i live the best life, and from all of this suddenly it turns to my heart is cold, nobody loves me, im alone, and making fun of this sometimes helps me to see behind all this fake happiness that this lifestyle will give, that i have money i have girls im so cool, im the king but deep down im suffering... so it helps me realizing this, and again we dont do that as we value this or we live like that, its a parody we show eachother how stupid these style of music is and its sad that the world likes this, but again not all of them cause since then i met non christian people who thinks the same about those songs. So this also made me feel sinful that we write these songs and we shouldnt do this. Yesterday i wrote a lyrics that was a little bit different than the other ones, it wasnt about money and how cool i am, it was about love, breakup and i didnt wrote that from my heart cause i dont have those experience and i was focusing on making it like these non christian breakup songs, and it became actually good. Today just randomly i thought about i try to send it to someone cause it could be a good song, and also i would feel good if something i did wil become big. And here is the problem lies, i feel like this is egoistic and agaist God cause i did it cause i want this to be about me, that something i did becomes big and famous... I sended the lyrics to someone and i want expect it but imediatelly got a respons and they liked the lyrics and they will make a song with that, so do you think i was happy about it? Oh no... suddenly i got hit by shame and a big anxiety that what i did was not right as a christian. I made a non christian song thats against God cause its about love and breakup which in my mind is lust and I made that relevant... and a huge fear and guilt hitted me and since then im afraid i did something wrong, i just acted from my ego, for my good sake, it wasnt about God and im dissapointed about myself. I try to see it as this song isnt that bad its not about sin, sex and drugs, its just about breakup, but my mind says i just try to make it like sin i good... also the person i sended has sinful wordly songs too, but he has many romantic, more about love songs, but the thing that he has sinful music makes me feel so bad and dissapointed about myself. I contributed to sin... its bad cause here noone can help me, the first thing i got from my family was "then why you did it, you shouldve thought about that". And it made me fear more cause dont get the support i need. So i try to find the support here...

Anyone else get bad ocd after posting anything anywhere? It’s truly not because I care about what people think, it’s kind of more complicated. Like I think if I post it and feel a certain way while I post it or have certain thoughts, they are “stuck” inside the post and I’ll keep having them until I delete the post. If I give into this compulsion, I immediately feel better and like myself again. If not I’ll feel hot on my head, restless, have sweaty hands and feet, and feel nervous. I know this sounds very random and hard to believe. I think it is part of Pure O ocd, and a lot of my obsessions and compulsions are mental, and some are what I used to think of as “imaginary”, like visual things that are in my head. But also, when I resist doing this compulsion, things usually get better. It’s just harder to do on some days.

I had the worse OCD, like I can't even function nor move without breaking down and I can say that I've done a lot of self-harm. I experience all kinds/types of OCD and it was torturing. Then, I got this one-eyed rescue cat; I thought I rescued her, turns out she was the one rescuing me. A year after I got her, I got another cat (this time, a deaf one). They made my life worth living, seeing them makes me happy. I still experience some episodes and sometimes I regress but it wasn't as hard as before. Since the both of them have special needs, they are a bit more handful than the "normal" cats but doing tasks for them (e.g. preparing food, cleaning up, taking them to the vet regularly, bathing, grooming, and such other things) made my life meaningful! Maybe if you can get a pet, I suggest you get one! Adopting/Rescuing might help you and the animal you are getting. Have a blessed night! (or morning)

How can you tell the difference between actual memories and false memory OCD? I try to do this but every time I do it my mind wonders off

How are y’all dealing with commanding intrusive thoughts?

I feel like since I was 15 where OCD really started kicking, I feel like I was living on survival mode and now I'm 25 and OCD has never been worse, I think I spent most of my life surviving, on the other hand others spent it improving and investing in themselves, which leaves me with a big question mark, how can I compete, knowing that today's societal standards are harsh and pretty much unrealistic, I feel alienated, overshadowed and straight up not belonging here, I really can't find my place in this world.

2 years ago I worked at a store for only 3 days. It was a family owned business that does a lot of events for wedding showers, baby showers, birthdays etc. I knew of this family from a private school I went to for one year in high school but did not know they owned this family business. I went to school with the daughter who was a couple of years older than me. She was the popular girl in school and is beautiful. Her dad and older sister owns the business and she also works there. The owner hired me because at that time, I was aspiring to become a florist and was making floral arrangements that she was interested in her business. When I had started the job, I was doing outside work. Not floral work that I thought I would be doing. I noticed that me, and two other women were doing all the outside work while everybody else was inside talking and laughing all together at the coffee bar. I thought to myself.. “we are doing the hard work while the family and friends get to have fun.” I got really defensive over it and called my mom. She told me I needed to tell the owner (the oldest daughter who hired me) how I felt…and so I did. But what I wanted to say came out all jumbled and didn’t really make any sense - I couldn’t get my point across because I became so overwhelmed in the moment. The owner started talking down to me.. like if I was a child and that how “everyone has different rolls and positions so some people work outside and some stay inside.” I knew this. But it was the fact that the three of us we were working so hard outside and I come in for one minute and see a group of women having a full on conversation and laughing at the coffee bar doing nothing to help the actual business. Now, I shouldn’t have assumed this, but I couldn’t help but think it wasn’t fair. I got really upset, picked up my floral arrangements that I had made for them and walked out abruptly. I couldn’t stop thinking over that day. I emailed the owner and said I was sorry for walking out. I got no answer. A few days after, I felt like I needed to return my t-shirts. I folded them neatly and walked in and the beautiful sister I went to school with was at the front desk. I told her I wanted to return these shirts and asked if she could please tell her older sister that I was sorry. I also noted that I had really bad anxiety. She gave me a very uninvited face and said “I will let her know”. I said thank you and walked out. I could feel her watching me leave and felt so bad about myself. 2 years go by and recently, like couple of months ago, I went BACK because all this time I had been thinking about that day. My OCD thinks I constantly need to apologize and that I’m always wrong for my actions. When I walked in, the popular girl I went to school with was there with one of the girls that I originally worked with outside. I asked if I could please talk to her sister. She said “My sister only comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” … that day was a Thursday. So I just asked her if she could please tell her sister that I was sorry again. I constantly replay that day. I constantly compare myself to the girl I went to school with. I constantly feel like I did something wrong…. Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed they were doing nothing. Maybe I should apologize to the sister again. I can’t even make floral arrangements anymore because I feel that the flowers are associated and contaminated with the store and the people. I loved gardening and because part of the business was a garden or for people to buy plants, I feel like I can’t like flowers or gardening anymore. When I drive past the building I can’t help but think. I think about them all the time. About how much I messed up! I overreacted and maybe I deserved to be talked down to. I constantly compare myself to the girl i went to school with. I convince myself that I constantly need to apologize even tho it was 2 years ago. Even though I know there has been way worse that has happened to me or even to other people, this is the day I can’t get out of my head and I don’t know why. Sometimes, I even convince myself that I have the incident wrong.. like I forgot a big part of the situation and I’m way worse of person in the story than I think I am.. even though I already blame myself for it all. What if that job would have been an amazing opportunity if I just wouldn’t have said anything. Maybe they really were just having a short conversation and headed out when 5 minutes after. I do take medication but sometimes I feel so hopeless and immensely down about life because of this. So many of these unwanted thoughts about these people I really even barely know.. sometimes it’s hard to even think I’m actually living anymore. SO SO sorry this so long.

My OCD kicks very hard this morning. But it's a different topic. A few days ago I had applied for a small job and talked to the people there. In 2 months I will start my modules to finish my studies for my degree. Now I'm in a constant loop thinking about whether I have the capacities to work while studying and it's driving me crazy. Once I think I settled on an opinion, it switches again...so many what ifs "what if you mess up and ruin your studies" "what if you disappoint at this new job or have to quit because it's too much" "what if you don't have the capacities to do both" etc. it all ends in a shamefull or very stressful, catastrophic scenario where I'm a bad person. On the other hand if I deny the job I'm scared I might regret it or it feels like just trying to escape the situation or responsibility

so me and my boyfriend just kissed. it was my first kiss and his. i was playing with his hair like putting it in a ponytail then i said “can we kiss” and he’s asked me before and i kinda avoided it because of hocd and rocd. we both went in but didn’t really like pucker or anything and im so embarrassed and i didn’t feel ANYTHING. it was so awkward after and we just said i’m sorry and moved on but like i didn’t feel anything, except anxiety after because i didn’t feel anything. i would just say our lips touched for like a second like nothing even happened. please help me

I have my first therapy apt Monday - looking forward to it! However, I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD. I’m advocating for myself and hoping to figure out what all is going on so I can learn correct coping techniques to get better! I guess I’m writing this to maybe see if anyone can help me understand or can relate!? I had my first panic attack a few months ago! After a few weeks my mind got scared that feeling anxious and stressed out was going to make me become schizophrenic or some insane situation. I somewhat got over that fear after several months of everyday panics about it. Now I’m in a loop and scared everyday that I’m “stuck”. I felt like I was experiencing dereliction and things weren’t real. And my mind takes off with that feeling everyday and feeds me these constant ‘what if’ thoughts and make things seem real. I am worried and in tears off and on everyday. It’s like a tug of war because I know it’s not true but in that same breath I feel like it’s real and true! It’s exhausting and scary! Can anyone relate? Does this sound OCD related? Thanks so much! Hugs to everyone ❤️

I have a scheduled overnight sleep study next week and I'm worried that I'm going to yell a racial slur in my sleep or when the sleep technician wakes me up in the morning. This really upsets me because racial slurs are wrong and I would never want to shout one. I'm afraid I'll go into the sleep study worrying so much about shouting a slur, that I'd potentially dream about it, think about it so much, and end up shouting one. I hate this. I know I need to sleep during my sleep study and now I'm worried about this. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.

OCD is crazy and ridiculous. Why make me anxious over meaningless thoughts. Or is it that I’m anxious and my mind is throwing me hundreds of thoughts to try and figure out why I’m anxious. I guess it doesn’t matter what comes first but sometimes it can be frustrating that I get heart drop sensation when and ocd thought comes to mind. None the less opening up ocd to my friends and family has provided me a good system. Although I still struggle like right now I’m at the bar eating some ramen seeing people be in the moment enjoying life while I’m discussing my OCD can be depressing. None the less I made have leaps and bounds and even with the misery of OCD I still see life as such a gift.

I’m getting Groinal around my own brothers, when I saw his stomach. I don’t know if it’s groinal I hope it is, it even felt like it grew a little and I was stopping it. And then “if this was another guy you would definitely like it”. I try say “if I was actually gay I wouldn’t have dumb thoughts like this” but it doesn’t work my mind says I’m gay anyways

Honestly, I relapsed so hard these days. I can´t keep my mind free of intrusive thoughts. My mind always come up with something I did or I think I did that makes me feel Iḿ the worst person ever. I feel super ashamed and guilty. I can´t stand it anymore. Im crying in my bed right now, out of frustration.

i have my first therapy session on here in a couple of weeks. i was going to wait until i had my first session to stop doing compulsions and stuff but i decided to try erp on my own and see what happens.

One more question for y’all! I’m sure this is many of us, but I literally cannot sleep. If I do fall asleep, I maybe drift off for an hour or two. Then, I’m startled awake….intrusive thoughts running wild, heart racing….and then I lie awake the rest of the night. Just stuck in panic mode until the sun comes up. Then I have to start the day…already being in the rabbit hole for hours. I’ve tried every natural “remedy” nothing works. I’ve tried the pharmaceutical route…that also doesn’t work! Sleep has now become the enemy and I’d rather just stay awake all night. Does anyone have anything that helps them?? I’m desperate. The body/mind can’t heal without proper sleep. Also…and maybe folks can speak to this too. I’m back on my SSRI (3.5 weeks in) after being off for a few months (mistake). It’s torture waiting for the effects to kick in.

I don't know if I've always struggled with OCD in one way or another and never realized it or if this is simply a recent development from a lot of stress suddenly put on me all at once... At the start of this semester I had registered for a "Death and Dying" class thinking it would be an interesting elective. I went in expecting a more objective outlook on the subject, but the first two classes I attended, the teacher had us talk in groups and it ended up getting really personal and uncomfortable for me. It included an anonymous poll from students, showing how many of us had dealt with varying causes of death in friends and family, and I was already nauseous and holding back from crying. I had to leave in the middle of the second class because I couldn't handle the discussions without bursting into tears. Crying while trying to talk about difficult subjects is not new to me, I cry very easily, but I never expected it to interfere with school this way. I stood in the hall wondering why I was the only one visibly struggling to stomach the contents of this class. I took a walk around campus and I believe this is where the depersonalization/derealization began. I didn't feel in control of my body at all and my head felt so foggy as well as feeling nauseous. For the next few days I felt so horrible. For some reason, I started imagining myself getting the gun we have for defense from my parents room and taking my life. I want to live. I love my life and I have no reason to want to go through with that. But these thoughts were so overwhelming and consuming that I couldn't focus on anything else. This combined with the feeling of not being in control of my body became a very scary situation for me mentally. (Worth noting that it's ONLY ever the gun. I never think about overdosing or hanging or anything else like that. I think it may be a combination of it being a quick and violent method.) I even had to leave a few hours into a shift at work, something I NEVER do. I slowly opened up to my mom every now and then about these feelings by typing them in my notes and showing them to her (again, I cry very easily. It's dfficult to speak between sobs.) But after a few more days I couldn't take it anymore. I cried hysterically and finally told my parents I was dealing with these intrusive thoughts because it felt like such a dire situation. Thankfully, they responded with wanting to help as well as locking up the gun in a safe. We went for a car ride and had a long talk about intrusive thoughts and other things that could have caused me to become so distressed (recent death in the family I didn't know how to cope with, my father passing before I was old enough to understand, my fears for the future, etc.) I felt way better after all that, but the intrusive thoughts still stayed. I was still in a depersonalization episode and couldn't shake the feeling of being "doomed" as if even of I don't take my life, something bad is going to happen. (This is already lengthy so I think I'll make this 2 parts)

I'm really saddened by the effects of all this. Like, there's this constant thought that I've done something bad to my little cousin that prevents me from acting normally with him, it breaks my heart because he likes me a lot, he's never acted like I'm a danger to him, the only thing he does most is give me affection and I'm often unable to receive it because of this fear of being a possible danger to him. My aunt often says that he wouldn't act like this if something bad had happened, and that comforts me, but then I think, "What if he didn't notice? What if he was asleep at the time? What if his mind went blank and he didn't even know anything bad had happened?" These thoughts scare me, it's as if I'll never know for sure and I know we have to deal with uncertainty, but how do we do that when it involves something so serious?

I keep having horrible nightmares of me doing terrible things to people. Like being a sexual deviant or something and it scares me and makes me feel bad about myself. Is this normal?