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Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

So, the last 2 days I have been running an experiment on myself with what food and drinks I consume to see of it would have an effect. I haven't had a single intrusive thought in weeks before this. So I know refined carbs, caffeine and food with E numbers are all neuroinflammatories which makes the neuropathways on your brain harder to use. Making it harder for people with ocd to rationalise. For the last 2 days I drank nothing but carbonated drinks and processed food high in saturated fats and f***, the intrusive thoughts came in like a tsunami and were hard to deal with even with the knowledge I have on how to deal with it. Highly recommend not to do the same experiment. So this can cause high levels of homocysteine. Vit B12 is used to break this down but I didn't have any B12 during this. I also planned to upset my methylation as this is the method on which our gut usually digests stuff and creates hormones. I've been looking into something called the brain-gut dysfunction as it's linked to bowel problems and stress/ depression etc, a of which can make ocd harder to manage. I don't expect you to analyse everything but when you eat, especially junk food or snacks consider what may be healthy for your brain. The healthier your brain is, the better it works.

Do you guys sometimes think the WORST things? Like SO inappropriate. You know your family wouldn’t want you around or if they knew what you thought they would absolutely think you are sick and not want you to be around their kids or family? Idk I am really convincing myself I am not okay. And this isn’t OCD. I am so scared.

I’ve been sleeping great for the last few months, but just recently I have been having a hard time sleeping at night even if I try to take a nap. So obviously I’m more tired than normal, which makes my ocd worse. Now when I try to fall I sleep i have anxiety flare up and makes it even harder to fall asleep. I’m literally tired trying to fall asleep relaxed and comfortable and can’t. Does anyone else have this problem?

My boyfriend showed me a video on Instagram with a person interviewing a couple on the street asking the guy if he’s okay with his girlfriend having male friends, trying to bait them into saying it’s not okay but they were just like no obviously that’s fine, and they said anyone who tries to control who you’re friends with is controlling and isn’t worth your time. This really triggered/upset me because my boyfriend has a female friend he’s known longer than me, but they’ve had feelings for each other on and off in the past. Over last year and the year before their feelings came up again and we had a rough time within our relationship with him being confused and me being insecure. Last summer he broke up with me (it ended up being temporary) and while we were broken up he hung out with this girl a lot and they kissed once. We later got back together and worked through it and he said that it made him realise it was me he wanted to be with. But basically I’m still really insecure as I always have been and my OCD focuses a lot on this girl and what they did etc. I have at times expressed that their friendship makes me uncomfortable, and before they’d kissed I know that he thought I was being controlling but I was just afraid of what would happen with their feelings, and then what I feared did happen. Now even though we’re stronger than before and he says he’s 100% sure it’s me he wants to be with and his feelings for her are gone, I still feel so insecure and ruminate on it all a lot and have compulsions relating to it. The words from this video “controlling” and “not worth your time” are going round and round my head and I’m so afraid that’s what he thinks of me or will come to think of me and that I’m a bad person, and I just can’t stop thinking about it. I cried with my boyfriend after seeing the video and he knew why and reassured me, but of course OCD doesn’t take reassurance. It sucks because I know it’s partly OCD, but it also feels like a genuine thing to be worried about given what’s happened in the past. Thinking about it all really takes over my life a lot of the time. Anyway sorry about the rant :/

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something kinda personal because I don’t really get to talk to my family about my life without being judge. So I have had anxiety/OCD and more since I was a kid. I have some terrible thoughts, including about the dead and etc. anyways I feel like I was neglected as a kid and a young teen but I don’t want to put false blame on my parents. I just need to know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt different, I’ve had these terrible thoughts and feelings that I wasn’t enough. My sibilants would always tell me to stop crying, shut up, call me names and hurt me. I always thought it was just a sibilimg thing until we got older and they still bask my mental health and hurt me. For example my sister and I worked at the same place together and people there didn’t like me . And all I did was kept to myself. Well my sister threw it in my face all the names I was called and it hurt a lot. My siblings don’t know about my ocd bc when I shared it back in 2021, they laughed at me and told me to stfu. There’s moments where they are nice, but more where they judge and hurt me. Nobody in my family seemed to care for me until I was on the verge of killing myself a few years ago. I’ve always gotten my basic needs from my parents, but I can always feel the difference in how my mom and dad talk me to my other siblings than me. My mom calls me names and my dad just recently stopped only bc he was having bad anxiety (when it’s in his favor). My mom always screams at me about money and getting my dog outside and my dog being bad ig. But no matter what I cannot catch a break. I am told my parents feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m so sensitive, and my siblings have kids and made a comment if their kids were ever like me they would “nip that in the ass”, to stop them young. I kinda just sit there and take this all. Always have. I always stick up for my siblings and help them. But when it comes to me they don’t care. Same with my parents. My mom tells me to not tell her what I’m going through bc it’s gotten old. Can anyone help me? Help me understand. Is this neglect? Like is this why I always feel hurt and just not good enough. They make me feel like the black sheep.

Racing thoughts and can’t sleep. Dealing with scrupulosity and ROCD and addiction. I’m so sad

My mind is literally running around in circles over this…. Bit of a rant, so stay if you’re ready to read it…. Okay so bit of back story: in the past while I’ve been with my bf, before I had ocd, I used to basically “like” or react to whatever post/photo (to an extent) I do admit some things were like why tf would I even like that…. Anyway so even tho I never had any bad intentions I used to like whatever, and not think twice about it…. I’ve always had the rules/boundaries for my partner that if he sees a photo of a girl in a bikini to just scroll on and not like or react because even if he had no intentions it made me uncomfortable… which is a fair request not that he was the type of guy to do that anyway… a lot of time has passed by since back then & I developed ocd (mainly POCD, ROCD AND SEXUAL OCD) I took myself off social media Agers ago because of being triggered and it just filled my head with bullshit. But I’ve recently had the intrusive thought “what if one day if you go back on socials you come across a tik tokker I followed who I’ve looked up her onlyfans befroe in the past - not with intent - just out of curiosity but still massive regret” anyway - me and my partner had a convo because of this thought, even tho I know confessing doesn’t help, and he basically said to me even tho I don’t consider myself bi anymore since I’ve been with him because of my expectations of him (which is fair) then it should be the same for me, wether it’s a shirtless guy or a girl in a bikini I don’t know (unless she’s my friend) then It’s not okay for me to like - now I’m just pointing out that’s not an issue for me, even if I would never have any intent by liking some tik tok persons photos or something like that - he still wouldn’t ever have intent either and I wouldn’t ever want him doing something like that…. So since that point because he said to me don’t like photos of guys with their shirts off or girls you don’t know in a bikini, it’s sparked all these questions in my head like , “what if it was a girlfriend of mine with their bf at the beach, or what if it was a friend of his that I became friends with his gf and they posted a photo at the beach, what if it was a friend of mine who posted a photo of her and her friend at the beach, or what if it was a photo of my boyfriend with his mate but they were at the beach, what if an old friend died and someone posted something for them but they were in a swimsuit.” Anyway I know these things sound ridiculous but that’s what ocd is, it makes me question my own morals…. Because my brain is not logical - it’s hard for me to understand right from wrong cause for so long I’ve felt everything is wrong, and because of how I used to be I just used to think that liking certain photos was normal…. I sometimes depend on him to tell me what is okay or not because I don’t have that logical part of my brain working, anyway as you can imagine I’ve had all the “you would like this, you wouldn’t like that, maybe this maybe that” all that BS! Putting images in my head, confusing me so much… I would never want to do anything to disrespect my relationship or man. When I’ve tried to ask him these specific questions it has made him almost break up with me because he can’t handle hearing this stuff 24/7… all the hypothetical things that won’t happen etc. He refuses to read or listen to those questions about specifics which he is totally in the right about putting up boundaries - I just am confused because ocd tells me one thing while my heart says another…. I have thought to myself that I wouldn’t have worried if he ever liked a photo of one of our mates with his gf, because I knew there would be no intent; but he still just wouldn’t do that because the girl is in swimmers and he feels that is disrespectful to me or our relationship. And now it’s saying well you don’t think any of this is a big deal it’s been repeating that for so long…. Like when I’ve found out something is disrespectful to my partner and he has voiced if he wouldn’t do that then I shouldn’t either - then it’s obviously disrespectful to me because anything that he feels disrespected by obviously I think is bad too cause I never want to harm my relationship. It just keeps saying “you don’t think this is a big deal” putting all these different scenarios in my head… like I’m not trying to think that??? Just because I may not have seen things as a big deal back then, doesn’t mean I feel that way now, when I heard it from his perspective it made me think differently and think I should have the same expectations of myself that I do for him - that Is fair and equal! But then I just have these continuous things go through my head trying to make it seem like I want to do those things or something… making it seem like that I think “he shouldn’t care because I have no intent” like um hello??? I know he would never have intent but I know straight up certain things would make me uncomfortable if he liked it. He is aloud to care just like I care about him liking certain things - my rules should be the same as his, isn’t that fair??? He does have a point, tho im not anymore, but I used to identify or think i was a different sexuality until I met my man, I didn’t want to associate with that label again when we were together. So really it should be the exact same rules for me as it is for him… so why the fuck does it keep saying that I will do these things or want to do these things or don’t see them as problem? When I actually do now. Even if I had no intent it’s about not disrespecting my bf, he never has spoken up and said these things before so I never used to see an issue with liking anything back in the day but I just feel like my whole viewpoint has changed now. All it needs to come down to is that if someone is shirtless or it’s a girl I’m not friends with who has a bikini on or something along those lines, then I won’t press like, simple it should be, not so simple for my ocd brain 🧠 to understand, because it puts lots of different hypotheticals to make me doubt and question everything, I would never mean to do anything that would hurt him, or disrespect him but he’s actually verbally told me what he thinks is okay and not okay - I trust other people’s judgment more than my own because I have ocd. It’s not like “oh my boyfriend told me no but I still want these things or think it’s acceptable” it’s not like that at all, when your partner verbalises to you something makes them uncomfortable you should be respectful if you love them & I do love him so much… why is it so hard for my brain to understand I’ve had a change of opinion compared to what I thought was okay in the past…. He won’t answer my specifics so just to be safe even if I never had intentions I’m just not going to like anything that has a girl in a bikini (unless it’s my friend) or a guy that’s shirtless - because I now view that as not acceptable because of how he has put it to me…. Why does ocd torture people like this? It’s demanding I give it Answers, I literally was just crying and almost having a panic attack today saying “JUST STOP” over and over again while I showered. I almost lost my relationship today because I can’t stop confessing for almost 2 years. I have lost him before because of confessions constantly, he doesn’t deserve this as much as I don’t deserve to go through this either. Like I just don’t understand why it keeps saying “this isn’t a big deal to you” when it has become one, just because it may not have been in the past doesn’t mean I have that mindset now. F U OCD.

i was “diagnosed” with OCD less than a year ago. the reason i use quotation marks is because my psychiatrist isn’t very thorough, although i’ve only ever had one psychiatrist so maybe this is the norm. essentially, i went in to tell him i’d been struggling with intrusive thoughts, and he just said “that sounds like OCD” and wrote me a prescription for medication to treat it. when i went in to talk to him about it, i’d already had the suspicion i’d been dealing with OCD after learning about it in my college psych 101 class. ever since i was 8 years old, i’ve had awful intrusive thoughts regarding my faith, and i’d combat them through repeating prayers or little sayings over and over again in my head. i’ve been doing this for over ten years now. i have other intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (if i really have OCD) , too, but that’s the bulk of it. here’s the reason i’m writing this, though: the medications i’ve been taking haven’t helped much, so i think i need therapy, but therapy makes me nervous. i’ve been taking anti anxiety medication for roughly 5 years, so when i told my psychiatrist i was dealing with intrusive thoughts, he was really surprised because the medication i was on is used to treat OCD all the time. he’s tried a couple different changes to my medication, but none have worked, which leads me to believe i might need therapy to bridge the gap. therapy terrifies me, though, because i have this sinking feeling that if i seek out therapy, my therapist will discover i’ve been lying about my symptoms without me even knowing that i’ve been lying, if that makes any sense. i’m sorry this is so long. i guess i’m looking for some encouragement.

How would I book an emergency appointment? I’m having a bit of an ocd crisis over here lol

Some of the convos on here scare me. Like I genuinely think a small amount of people on here have other issues besides OCD and it’s making me freak out about if that’s me too.

Either it’s the truth or OCD itself but I feel fully convinced that I am THAT. No matter what I say or do it’s always there, there’s no running from it. I of course feel no kind of sexual excitement from these thoughts, but there are times when there’s a brief moment when it feels like I do. I’ve said it so many times but I’ll say it again: I don’t wanna be this person nor do I want to do these things. Nor do I want to feel anything like THAT towards THAT. But there’s absolutely no anxiety happening in my body (other than when I get scared of what other people may think) when these thoughts happen. Not to mention they happen way too naturally as if it’s what i want to think (I have no idea if any of these thoughts are intrusive anymore) I don’t even think I have any compulsions either, everyone has told me ruminating and constantly questioning it is my compulsion, along with of course the reassurance seeking. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know anymore. Then there’s the twitching which might just be me doing it on purpose to prove something to myself like “hey look you’re twitching your head persistently that must mean you ARENT THAT”. I can’t even think about men either. What happened to me being gay? Like it feels like I have to FORCE myself to think about what I’ve always known to like. What does that indicate? it feels like I’ve lost my mind and there’s no hope of returning back to where my mind was before. Maybe I’m posting this for you all to tell me that I’m not who I think I am, maybe I’ve grown reliant on strangers reassuring me that I’m not a pedo lmfao. There’s a long ways away til my therapist to tell me the truth of what this all means. But I do apologize if I have been using OCD as a self diagnosis because I don’t wanna deal with whatever else it might be. And if I am diagnosed, I can’t help it, I’m a pessimist. Good night.

Today I was brave enough to go out, together with my toddler, and walk to the church house, where I was going to meet the priest to have a chat about my struggles. As the Lutheran church has been so welcoming to me, I felt entitled to do so. The priest has been so kind every time I have met him, that I was very confident about today, and despite the very harsh weather (we were -17°C with feels like -24°C) I would much preferred to have stated home, but I didn't. I did my best to be there. Still I didn't make it on time. I had to call the priest 2 times to apologize and let him now we were almost there. I explained him, my baby girl she is still slow to walk in so much winter clothing and shoes, and it was so cold. I somehow knew I shouldn't have gone there. But I thought it was my OCD sending me negative or intrusive thoughts. The priest wasn't the same today, he seemed to disconnected from the conversation, he wasn't happy today, he seemed bored and not interested in talking, I got confused and uncomfortable, since he invited me to go and talk. He insisted me on saying hello to the deacon there, but I was very scared to so so, since she just came back yesterday from Africa, she was there more than a month. So I was so worried thinking: "what if" she brought a disease home? Since no one told me, what was she really doing there and where, they just said on service, it's not so hard to assume perhaps she was in some place assisting people in need and maybe suffering from some diseases. Still they introduced myself to her, she didn't seem any nice, she seemed to not to be eager to meet me, as in the past due to extreme fear and isolation I was into, I failed to visit her and talk to her I guess she must have remained me. She had handshake with me (which I got so nervous) and then she came close to my child to greet her. But I got even more nervous. After all, I came home, took long shower, gave one long shower to my toddler also. I couldn't handle the anxiety about: "what if the deacon is ill without having visible symptoms yet, since she had to take several planes and being at airports, and maybe to have been around people who was very vulnerable and ill? So I decided to send an sms to a colleague of the deacon, I have met her a couple of times and she seemed nice. After I wrote the message, before I even sent it I thought I didn't want my question to be misunderstood and get them upset with me or think something wrong, so I asked to the chatgpt to re write the message in a very respectful way. So the AI did it. I sent it, it took several hours until I got a response. When I got the response I was so hurt by her words. She never even answer my questions. She just said something like this: Paulina, I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way, I'm worried and very convinced you need professional help with all of this... Among other few words she wrote. I felt like she tried to say that I'm crazy. It's something I have noticed here, people tends to be rude or to sharp to say things about mental health. To suffer from anxiety and OCD its not to be crazy or insane. To struggle from this psychological disorders doesn't make me stupid, crazy or dangerous. I suffer from this all the day every day. It makes my life a hell, the last thing I need is someone being rude and treating me as a crazy or mentally impared person. I'm not. After thinking a while about germs words I wrote her an answer and I cried my eyes out. I feel more calm now. But it feels so hard to live in a society where people has so much ignorance about OCD and how badly affects the life on the individuals who suffer from it. I wish people was more empathetic, kind and supportive. Instead being harsh and rude. The only good thing here is I was outside with my daughter, and I tried despite all, to recognize my effort and to feel I did one thing different today. I hope someone can share with me if you